Friend left me sitting alone at her baby shower ...aibu to be annoyed?

[aailope]

It was my friends baby shower (who is Italian ) and the majority of her friends are Italian and obviously her family.
She asked me if I would help her decorate the venue for her baby shower.
So I went over 2 hours before and helped.
Then she told me to go have a rest and pointed me to a table.
So off I go and sit down,assuming this is the table we are sitting at.
Now bare in mind I know nobody else.
So all the guests start arriving and sitting at tables (nobody sits at my double as nobody knows me )
A hour passes I'm still sat there alone and everyone is here and all chatting away (mostly in Italian )
I notice my friends family all sat at one table and my friend sat with them.
After 2 hours my friends sister comes over and asks me to join there table.
I felt ridiculous.
I felt like a total idiot,I have anxiety to start with so wasn't going to just get up and join any table.
Now if that was me I would of put her on the table with her family from the start.
Aibu to be annoyed ?

It’s hilarious how many terrible hosts there are on this thread,

Here’s a tip: when you invite people to an event, make sure they have a seat or are mingling, they have a drink and some food and check they are having a good time.

If you don’t do these things, you are a shit host.

Your guests anxiety has nothing to do with it.

she was probably caught up in the exhilaration

Of a baby shower? I've read it all on here now. Opening some packets of babygrows = witnessing the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel for the first time.

@aailope, she was rude. This isn't all on you. You did her a big favour and she was rude in return. So now you know your friend has rude tendencies, you might want to think about not worrying so much about being so polite and socially careful with her. She's not bothered. In fact next time she asks for a favour I'd say 'no, I've got plans'.

I'm not sure that Elton John himself King of the Partythrowers could make someone who couldn't leave the house a couple of years ago, have a good time at a party in a room full of strangers who didn't speak the same language.

But what did you want to happen @aailope from your posts I've inferred you didn't actually want to sit with the others due 2 reasons- language barrier and not knowing them. Would you only have been happy if your friend had sat with you?

Sometimes I'm very sociable, other times not - if I'm in a not sociable phase, I'll evaluate whether I want to go to a party or gathering or not, particularly if I really only know the host - I'd never expect the host to spend the evening focussed on whether or not I was making the effort to talk to people and mix - and that's without the added complication of speaking a different language to most of the guests.
Presumably you knew about the language issue in advance? If you anticipated this being an issue, why not ask if you could take a friend along.

If it were my party, I'd introduce Helpful Friend first to the member(s) of my family or friend circle who had the best knowledge of Helpful Friend's language (in this case English) to help break the ice.

I also think in the kindest way YABU. But only because I don’t think you were looking after yourself in the best way by attending. And I say this as someone who had severe anxiety for years but got managed medically and through therapy and now I’m much better. I’m still not the best at putting myself out there but it takes time and it does get better. My husband is a fantastic support and helps me a lot but at the end of the day it’s down to me. I wouldn’t have gone to an event like this so early into my road to recovery as you seem to be.

I think in future instead of thinking you’re letting a friend down by not attending, think about what the situation is and can you handle it. This is all baby steps. It doesn’t happen magically overnight but you already know that.

That’s a bit harsh. Being in a room full of people you don’t know and speaking a language you don’t speak would be an awkward situation for any but the most social butterfly. Personally I probably would have gone to my friend, coo’s over the baby, smiled and said ciao to her family and then left.

Well, yes - it's just basic manners, isn't it?

Without being there it’s quite hard to judge the situation. I can envisage a situation with a busy room, casual set-up with people mingling and it’s not that obvious OP is sat alone. Or I can envisage an organised room where there’s a table full of friends and family chatting away and then there’s OP obviously sat separately like a lemon on her own.

It also depends how much your friend understands about your anxiety. If she knows how much you struggle I would have expected her to do more to look out for you.

It’s not your choice to have social anxiety, and that’s horrible for you.

It was your choice to just sit there for 2 hours though.

I went to a christening party recently where I knew nobody. I don’t have social anxiety but even so, I got bored with saying to strangers I’d never see again, “oh I love your son’s outfit!” in the hopes I could start a conversation and not stand around like a lemon. So after doing that a few times, I went and played on my phone in my car for 30 mins, before re-appearing.

A good host would have introduced you to someone at least once. But then what when that person drifts off? Or when you’re on a family table of Italians speakers?

Host could have done better, but bottom line for me is that it was your decision to sit at the same table on your own for 2 hours!

Yes many, what's your point? Many people misuse the label but op clearly isnt one of them as hers was so bad that she couldnt leave the house without panic attacks until fairly recently. As someone who has been professionally diagnosed with social and general anxiety disorde and had years of therapy and medication to try and treat and manage my anxiety I find it very frustrating that people misuse the label and also posts like yours that seem to insinuate it's not a genuine medical issue for many people

It's really weird behaviour to be sat at a table and not move at all for two hours. I would find that very odd tbh. If someone sat me on a table I would get up and talk to people as soon as they started arriving. If you're socially anxious then I get it might be hard for you but it's still very strange to do that.

@OnlyFannys that's what mine was classed as generalised disorder and social anxiety
I had cbt and prescribed sertraline and diazepam (just for emergencies )
It was debilitating
I had no life for a year
My partner had to literally walk me anywhere I had to go.
Quit my job
I couldn't go in a shop etc
It was the worst time of my life

Unless this is a very new friend she must know about your acute anxiety, in which case I do think she could have looked after you a bit (though you say you don't need looking after).

Did you give her a heads up as to how hard it would be for you?

I think it would be hard for anyone to attend an event where you are the only person speaking a different first language to everyone else. If the guest knew you did not speak Italian then I think they are all rude.

I'm sorry op. Did no other people there speak English at all?

@aailope People are being unkind to you. You did nothing wrong. You went there hours in advance to help your friend. Least she couldve done is to make sure you were not alone knowing you only knew her and like others didnt speak Italian. Imagine a group of people are chatting comfortably in their native language and ypu interrupt in another language and put them in spot. It would have been awkard for all.

Sounds like ypur friend invited you for help only. She should've asked clearly her family for help.
Pps who say you are adult, so you should have introduced yourself and demand a seat on another table remind me of the character Peter Sellers playes in the party. I am from ethnic minority and I would never let a friend who dont speak my language sit alone in my party where everyone is enjoying expect for the one who came early to help me.

Pps who are quick to blame OP need to see if they would have responded the same if OP was non English speaker and all guests spoke in English and OP didn't know anyone other than the host. And before anyone jump on me, english is my 2nd language.

She wasn't a good host but it was a bit odd that you didn't feel able to go up to her.

It was debilitating
I had no life for a year
My partner had to literally walk me anywhere I had to go.
Quit my job
I couldn't go in a shop etc
It was the worst time of my life

This sounds bloody awful Op, and not for one minute am I minimising your distress. You were definitely very brave to give it a go and attend the party, and really kind to give your time helping set up.

I think where I'm coming from is more your expectations of her on the day, and your expectations of yourself, and how you felt it might have gone knowing that she'd be busy busy spreading her time between everyone equally, plus the fact you know you don't speak Italian.

It sounds like you've got a reasonably close friendship as you were there to help set up, so it would be a shame for you to feel that this was her fault, and let your annoyance that you didn't have a good time at the party ruin your friendship going forward. Unless you genuinely feel that she told you to sit in the chair and not move for two hours. In which case, it's probably not going to recover.

Maybe some did. Was OP supposed to go from table to another checking who speaks English?

It doesn’t take much empathy and understanding to imagine why a person might sit alone feeling a bit paralysed by anxiety.
Perhaps op’s mind was spinning: should she get up and leave? Oh no that might look rude, should she approach the host? Oh god what if I can’t get heard, can I interrupt them mid conversation?

I imagine op felt a bit frozen by fear. Not anyones fault directly but Labelling her as odd or strange is rather unkind.

Try not to dwell on it op. It was great that you turned up and helped your friend and you eventually managed to mingle a bit.

Its probably worse replayed in your mind.

Op, now that you mentioned your have anxiety issues, the problem has become your anxiety. Your friend was rude and thoughtless on this occasion.

You were very brave to go under the circumstances.
But I don't think your friend was being deliberately cruel. Her entire family turned up and as host she had to deal with them. Family can be very demanding.

I think she sent her sister over to see if you were alright.
People don't always recognise the depths of anxiety and perhaps this just wasn't the right setting for you to be in and when you feel like that it gets magnified because you feel that everyone is looking at you, but they weren't. It was a party where you didn't know anyone and didn't speak the language. That would be difficult for anyone. But also difficult for the host to give you the attention you needed when her whole family was there