Friend left me sitting alone at her baby shower ...aibu to be annoyed?

[aailope]

It was my friends baby shower (who is Italian ) and the majority of her friends are Italian and obviously her family.
She asked me if I would help her decorate the venue for her baby shower.
So I went over 2 hours before and helped.
Then she told me to go have a rest and pointed me to a table.
So off I go and sit down,assuming this is the table we are sitting at.
Now bare in mind I know nobody else.
So all the guests start arriving and sitting at tables (nobody sits at my double as nobody knows me )
A hour passes I'm still sat there alone and everyone is here and all chatting away (mostly in Italian )
I notice my friends family all sat at one table and my friend sat with them.
After 2 hours my friends sister comes over and asks me to join there table.
I felt ridiculous.
I felt like a total idiot,I have anxiety to start with so wasn't going to just get up and join any table.
Now if that was me I would of put her on the table with her family from the start.
Aibu to be annoyed ?

once people are given a diagnosis / label, their whole mindset shifts to it being something they cannot change.

I agree. I know it sounds harsh - I had severe OCD (now very well controlled and fairly mild 🎉) but I went into my diagnosis with a view to working on getting myself back to normal. Not just lying down and accepting it as a part of me that I can’t change and therefore other people must accommodate. It hasn’t been easy and of course some days have been worse than others in the last few years, but I’ve always been mindful that it’s not for other people to make special allowances for me, but for me to take control of what I need to do in that moment.

Oh no, neither do I. I get social anxiety myself and have found myself in similar situations where I’ve been the ‘outsider’. I went to a school gate ‘friend’s’ house once as she’d invited me for coffee but when I got there a big group of her friends were there. I didn’t know anyone and barely knew the mum. It was awful. They were all laughing at events they’d been to etc and obviously had a lot of social history together. I stayed about an hour, ooh and aahed in the right places and then said my thank yous and hot footed it out of there. I couldn’t wait to get through my front door. I don’t blame the mum, she was just very sociable and extroverted and I wasn’t.

Your friend sounds like she's a bit thick and oblivious.

Absolutely the opposite. The Friend included OP by giving her a special role tailored to the needs of OP, a positive, creative involvement in the quiet time before the crowds arrived all speaking Italian.

If you are 14, YANBU, but if you are an adult I think YABU. Anxiety or not, the baby shower was about her, and not you, so you should just chalk it up to a bad day and move on.

Who did she think was going to sit on my table
maybe other guests or friends but they ak congrated around the family table*

It's not so easy for someone with anxiety to just walk up to random people and join in.
It was a big thing for me
Of course it's not, I understand that but, surely as you know you get anxiety you have coping strategies in place. For example if things get too much for me, I'll go outside for a while or even leave altogether. My strategy would not to stay in a situation that makes my anxiety worse. Even after half an hour I would have found my friend and said ' all rested, right, where we up to? Who can I meet?' If it was a prickly bad day I would have left and sent a text saying that I was really sorry, i have a headache coming on and I dont want to spoil things for you.
To be honest you need to take control of your own life and have skills ready to deal with your emotions.

she and her baby are the stars
😂

She was bloody rude.

It’s a shame that your anxiety makes social situations so difficult BUT that isn’t your friend’s problem or responsibility.

Obviously you do need looking after. If that had been me I would have just got up and introduced myself to people on the other tables?

Not ideal of her but sounds like she was tied up. YABU - you should have gone and introduced yourself to some people or just quietly slipped out - why on earth did you sit there seething for 2 hours ?!

I think evryone forgets that OP couldnt just join in, especially that she didnt know any italian, and those gueast were chatting in italian, the language that OP doeasnt speak.

The fact that she knows you are anxious in social situations makes this bad as she could have easily brought you over and introduced you to people. She is your friend so must know what you are like.

So you sat at a table for two hours - and did nothing? Really?! And no one came up to you, or said anything?! And you still sat there?

OP - gently. I have anxiety - diagnosed. So im
not going to slate you. However - it was a party, a baby shower, they were probably busy. For someone with anxiety that’s always going to be hard. Well done to you for even going. You should have left straight after. She was not a great friend by leaving you on there (who even does that!) BUT your anxiety is not her problem. Good luck.

You were asked to join them, yabu.

My thoughts exactly.

If a friend told me to go somewhere and rest after I helped them, I wouldn’t assume that they meant for me to stay at the place they pointed to me for the rest of the party. I would have asked before I sat down about seating for the party before it started since I may sit there as to not move again if I didn’t have to.

OP could have asked the friend before people arrived about seating arrangements. I‘m surprised it didn’t come up before while OP was helping the friend set up the venue.

I'm sorry you've been through this OP but I don't think it's your friend's fault. She may just not fully realise how difficult these situations are for you. I would assume if I told someone to have a bit of a rest, that they wouldn't think I'd assigned them to a table. I'd think they were OK to move around and introduce themselves.

I would put it down to her being busy. Could she have noticed more and done more? Yes. But I would put it down to oversight and distraction at what was a busy event for her.

Sounds like my idea of hell, I hate those situations and can totally feel your pain/awkwardness 😩 I’ve been in the other position at hen do when it was me who knew everyone and I knew if I was some people coming I’d be feeling majorly awkward at not knowing anyone else. I got trapped in behind the big long table we were sitting at and couldn’t get out to move about and speak to people. I hated knowing people were there and might have been feeling uncomfortable although luckily they were sitting beside someone (speaking English) and my mum was doing her best to accommodate them. Later in the day I ended up sitting with my SIL all day as I knew she didn’t know anyone but it meant I felt like I couldn’t leave the table. I think when you host something like that you think before it ‘who will be alone’ and then try not to leave them out. She could have at least just got you to help with things so you had a job to be doing rather than sitting feeling awkward

I can envisage the situation perfectly: half of my family is Italian. Whilst I speak the language quite well, I am not fluent enough to “banter”. I have been at many events where I have to sit with a rictus grin feeling like a spare part.

BUT lesson learned, OP. I too have medicated anxiety (yay! the MN ailment!) and I always always have an exit plan from social events. So a quick, “Gosh, is that the time? Sorry, must dash home for the dog” “Must be getting on the road, long drive” “Just got a call from dd who is stranded…” etc etc etc is my way to escape any embarrassing or awkward situation.

OP having anxiety or not… Not introducing a guest to other guests who all know each other is bad manners. Especially after helping to set up the party for her. I would be pissed.

UANBU

Again I think this is unfair, she clearly got caught up and didn’t realise. It’s not clear if she realises fully the ops situation

op I think well done on your progress. Don’t let this set you back and don’t let it make you think badly of your friend. Ignore those trying to remove her from your life also and make it even harder for you.

Unless you are sure she knew fully you would not be able to leave your table and would just have to sit there. Then I suspect it’s just she got caught up.

Being at a party not knowing anyone apart from the host AND with a massive language barrier, would be far too much for many people to handle and feel comfortable with. You're blaming it on your social anxiety but in reality, most people would have just made their excuses and left. Be kinder to yourself, you pushed yourself too far on this occasion, it's not your friend's fault.

When you're an adult, anxiety or not, it's also up to you to voice your needs, because people are not mind-readers and won't guess them. So many people have a hidden disability, a MH issue, undisclosed pregnancy, a chronic disease etc..

I once hosted a large party and someone told me (privately) that they are autistic and needed a quiet place to isolate if the noise got too much. No problem, happy to accomodate it, now that I knew it. Last summer I was in first trimester of pregnancy and easily tired. I got invited to a barbecue and pool party that lasted from noon to midnight. I asked the host in advance if I could have a room to have a nap there in the afternoon. He was happy to oblige as I had simply asked him. It would have been unreasonable of him to sit there uncomfortable and expect the host to read my mind and offer me a place to nap if I didn't ask him.

Also, the host has needs of her own. Hosting a party is a lot of work, even if people help out. Also, she's pregnant, presumably in her third trimester, so possibly tired and difficulties movign around, and presumably also wants to enjoy her party. I'm a bit introvert myself, so hosting a party requires a lot of mental efforts on my part. I don't have the extra energy to read the mind and guess the needs of every single person invited.

In what way?

Honestly, YANBU.

For everyone saying she got caught up in "hosting." Hosting who exactly? Part of hosting is making sure that people feel included and not left out. I don't necessarily think the friend is in the wrong here or a bad friend-potentially a poor host if she happily allowed a friend who knew no one and didn't speak the language to sit alone for 2 hours-but I doubt it was intentional.

However, I can fully appreciate where OP is coming from. I have social anxiety too, and would really struggle to simply get up and join a table full of people that I don't know and don't fully speak the language. If you don't have SA, you don't really know what it's like and for everyone saying "you're an adult" yes, she is, but if it was that simple, SA wouldn't exist, would it?

Yes, OP's anxiety is not anyone else's responsibility, but one would make an assumption and not an unfair one at that-that if a friend invites you to an event where you don't know anyone-they would make an effort to try and introduce you and involve you somehow. That doesn't mean that OP expected her friend to be by her side all day, acting as translator.

It's pretty basic hosting skills, IMO and failing to do that, means she failed as a hostess. I wouldn't necessarily raise it, OP, but I understand where you're coming from completely and just maybe don't attend events with her if you don't know anyone else or work on your SA if you can to build your confidence.

It's not UR to expect a host to introduce their guests and anyone saying otherwise is a poor host.

How would you do this if they didn't speak your language and you didn't speak theirs?
Just curious to know how you would start a conversation if it was you in OPs shoes.