Friend left me sitting alone at her baby shower ...aibu to be annoyed?

[aailope]

It was my friends baby shower (who is Italian ) and the majority of her friends are Italian and obviously her family.
She asked me if I would help her decorate the venue for her baby shower.
So I went over 2 hours before and helped.
Then she told me to go have a rest and pointed me to a table.
So off I go and sit down,assuming this is the table we are sitting at.
Now bare in mind I know nobody else.
So all the guests start arriving and sitting at tables (nobody sits at my double as nobody knows me )
A hour passes I'm still sat there alone and everyone is here and all chatting away (mostly in Italian )
I notice my friends family all sat at one table and my friend sat with them.
After 2 hours my friends sister comes over and asks me to join there table.
I felt ridiculous.
I felt like a total idiot,I have anxiety to start with so wasn't going to just get up and join any table.
Now if that was me I would of put her on the table with her family from the start.
Aibu to be annoyed ?

I don’t really agree, it was her party, she clearly got caught up, someone came over and supported the op.

when someone has this level of illness that they need to be supported in this manner. Then either they need to articulate this in advance to their host or take a carer /support worker with them.

I feel Really bad for the op. It must be hellish for her, but telling her it’s her friends fault and she is rude is not ok.

You had a bad time and you were anxious. Doesn't mean it's your friend's fault.

I've hung out with Italians a bit, they all do this big group thing where everyone is thrown in together and acts like a big chaotic family. It's expected that you will get in the thick of it, not wait on the sidelines to be asked to join in. I think it's a cultural thing that you think is rude but it isn't to an Italian. They're just not wallflowers.

So basically, she didn't do much to make you comfortable, in some cultures that's rude, I think for an Italian you're just expected to be a bit more robust.

I totally understand why you’re upset. But I don’t think it’s fair to be annoyed with your friend.
Does she know you have crippling social anxiety? If not then it’s not at all weird that she would expect you to be able to look after yourself. Even despite the language barrier.
There’s also the possibility that she asked you to come early to help so that she could spend a bit if time with you before the madness of all the other guests took over and she knew she’d be pulled in all directions!

@BellePeppa I get what you’re saying but I just don’t think OP’s friend should be blamed or be forced to take responsibility for OP’s anxiety. I really do sympathise – I also have diagnosed, medicated anxiety and there was a period after my daughter was born where it was so acute I was suicidal – and I find situations like that very hard. But acting as if I deserve special treatment because of it and it’s anyone else’s responsibility to manage but mine has got me nowhere. It’s only since I’ve accepted that it’s my problem to deal with that things have got any better.

Some really harsh responses on this thread and I'm shocked at the one that suggests OP should have brought "a carer".

Anxiety of any kind is incredibly common and the "suck it up" responses show a real lack of understanding of it as a condition. OP's actions are "can't" not "won't".

If you're hosting a party, it's on you to make sure that all your guests are comfortable. If the OP's friend was actually a friend then she would have known that OP feels uncomfortable in these types of situations and included her, or at least sat her with people who she knew would keep her included. That's what I would do as a party host or a friend.

And if it was a friend who had gone out of their way to help me set up for my party then I'd be making a point of including them to say thank you for their help.

OP I think your feelings are totally valid, you've done nothing wrong and your friend behaved in a selfish way.

Eek, that's not good.

Unfortunately there are an awful lot of people around saying they have anxiety because they occasionally feel anxious which is very different to the medically recognised type and needs treating differently. Before your update I think a lot of people assumed the first type (I know I did) which will lead to the comments on getting your act together. I wish people would use the terms correctly as it causes problems for people who need to be able to accurately describe a medical condition.

Well done for supporting your friend and yes she should have supported you too at the event.

Awful. She must have noticed you there. Also the fact that they were all speaking a different language to you should have made her even more aware.
Highly inconsiderate.
If I had been in the same situation

Sorry posted to soon. If i had been in the same situation [ I have been] I would find it incredibly awkward to go and interrupt a convesation at a different table. I feel for you.

YABU.

As an adult, it is perfectly reasonable to assume the host indicating a chair and saying "have a sit down before it all kicks off" doesn't mean "here is your assigned seat, stay there."

Your anxiety is your issue to manage. I've struggled with it myself and am still on the meds, but I never expect other people to manage my social situations for me. If I can't face mingling, I approach my host and say "thanks for having me, I need to head off now, have a great evening." Otherwise I put my big girl pants on and walk over to where people are getting drinks or food or whatever and try join in.

Sitting there like one of Lewis's is just daft.

Interesting to think what the replies would of been if the OP was Italian and everyone there was English bet it would've been a completely different thread.

It isn’t though is it? It’s a party with lots of family and friends, who you may not have seen for a while (particularly if foreign like OP’s friend), a chance to be excited about the pregnancy, some nice spoiling. It was her day, not OP’s, and I think it’s quite entitled to think she should’ve spent the couple of hours of her party ‘accommodating OP’s anxiety’.

Theres nothing wrong with being anxious. But mumsnet seems to think it’s reasonable for the rest of the world to go out of their way for it, rather than it being an individual’s issue to work on. It isn’t.

And had the host introduced OP to her family and got her a seat in the middle of the party, this thread would’ve been ‘AIBU, forced to socialise when I have anxiety’.

I’m really trying to picture and understand this.

Your friend told you rest at a table after decorating and you just sat there for 2 hours? Did you not get up to get refreshments, play the dopey games, go the bathroom, get up to look at the present table, wander near your friend who you did know?

You just sat waiting for permission to join another table?

Is this actually a clinical condition or just that you get very self-conscious around people you don't know?

We all feel 'anxious' around new people, all of us.

It's easy to stick a label on this and blame everyone else rather than accepting that you are an adult who plays a role in how you and others interact

I can't for the life of me imagine being 'told' to sit somewhere and actually staying there for over an hour while the people I was supposed to be with, carried on socialising.

All it took was to go over and say 'Ciao'

Presumably your friend knows about your anxiety? In which case this was a very shitty thing to do.

I think without the Italian context I would have said YABU. However this happened to me when I went to visit a friend in Milan she decided we'd meet a bunch of her old school friends in a park all Italian and I just sat there whilst they laughed and chatted. Not a single one engaged with me, it was horrible and I was nearly in tears. I eventually took her to one side and told her we did something different or I was leaving to find a hotel room! She did take heed and we went for dinner.

We all feel 'anxious' around new people, all of us.

Amen… even the most outgoing person has that moment of be transported back their first day of school not knowing anyone or who to sit next to. Lord knows I do. The key is, to take a deep breath, plaster a smile on your face and jump in.

The key phrase to use is “Mind if join?”

Exactly. You've identified a problem, that your social anxiety leads you to avoid going and joining in with social groups. Now what are you going to do about it? There's plenty you can do. Or you can just throw your hands up, be mad at your friend and remain stagnant as if it's an unavoidable and absolute part of life that can never change.

Have you read the OP's posts? This will answer your question.

Being anxious in certain situations is an entirely normal and healthy human response.

Having a clinical diagnosis of anxiety which requires therapy (med and/or talking) is an entirely different thing.

I think we need different words for the clinical diagnosis and the day to day normal (albeit unsettling) condition.

It's similar to people having a clinical diagnosis of OCD vs getting a bit antsy if things aren't "just so" or (what really gets my goat) people using their apparent OCD to excuse them being rude e.g. "Oh don't mind me, I'm a bit OCD about [insert annoying behaviour]"

The OP has answered all these questions. You can read her posts by clicking on 'See All' on her OP.

Your friend sounds like she's a bit thick and oblivious.
If you have a known condition, then take that fact about yourself into consideration when you go places. You could ask friends to look out to see where you might sit.
You could have said to the friend before everyone arrived 'now remember I get fairly anxious when people are around so can you make sure there's a seat for me near X or Y maybe.'
Maybe then she'd have said 'oh gosh yes I'll tell my sister to keep a place for you beside her'. So even if the anxiety cannot be controlled then you can make accommodations for yourself but still enjoy the opportunities for socialising.

I wonder if sometimes you wait to be told or fall into a 'role' with some people where you take a child role and allow them to be the adult who tells you what to do.
These stronger, controllling personalities might also make you feel safe because they direct you and this can make you less anxious because you can rely on that person to tell you what to expect.
That type of friend can do the job of taking on the unexpected for you. A bit like a parent. But this can also be a disadvantage in that you end up feeling like a kid who doesn't know what to do.
Then you might unwittingly stay in that 'child' role rather than think to yourself 'now what would my adult self do?'

Having a clinical diagnosis of anxiety which requires therapy (med and/or talking) is an entirely different thing.

Yeah, the problem with that statement is in the aspect of how diagnosis occurs and the ever shifting sands of what constitutes clinical anxiety.

Many people are medicated for what is your run of the mill worry and it doesn't work

Anyway, despite what a diagnosis may say, the problem is often that once people are given a diagnosis / label, their whole mindset shifts to it being something they cannot change. I posit that the OP didn't get up and go over to the group because of her fixed anxiety mindset ("I can't do this because I have anxiety"), not because the group were awful bitches deliberately ignoring her

Because you have anxiety. But no, she was no BU to not worry about sitting people at certain tables at her baby shower, she would have been busy enjoying herself. Gently, it’s your issue.

FGS. You are not the centre of the universe. You're certainly not the main focus of anyone attending a babyshower run by Italian preg mamma attended by her Italian Family and Italian friends.

She and the baby are the stars.