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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend left me sitting alone at her baby shower ...aibu to be annoyed?

238 replies

aailope · 04/01/2023 11:36

It was my friends baby shower (who is Italian ) and the majority of her friends are Italian and obviously her family.
She asked me if I would help her decorate the venue for her baby shower.
So I went over 2 hours before and helped.
Then she told me to go have a rest and pointed me to a table.
So off I go and sit down,assuming this is the table we are sitting at.
Now bare in mind I know nobody else.
So all the guests start arriving and sitting at tables (nobody sits at my double as nobody knows me )
A hour passes I'm still sat there alone and everyone is here and all chatting away (mostly in Italian )
I notice my friends family all sat at one table and my friend sat with them.
After 2 hours my friends sister comes over and asks me to join there table.
I felt ridiculous.
I felt like a total idiot,I have anxiety to start with so wasn't going to just get up and join any table.
Now if that was me I would of put her on the table with her family from the start.
Aibu to be annoyed ?

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 04/01/2023 12:21

So what happened after the sister asked you to join them?

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 04/01/2023 12:22

She suggests a sit down after all the hard work, no one has even arrived at the point, but you behaved like a car she'd parked.
Most people would have had a breather then mingled (smiling politely until people realise they need to use English)/fetched a drink/gone over to the friend.
Unless she is well aware you need to a mother hen in these situations I imagine she'd be astonished to discover you thought she'd deliberately separated you from the other guests and had been waiting for someone to give your next move.
Your social anxiety sounds tough but I don't think you can expect people to realise your needs if you don't communicate them.

OwwwMuuuum · 04/01/2023 12:24

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GreenManalishi · 04/01/2023 12:25

It's not so easy for someone with anxiety to just walk up to random people and join in.
It was a big thing for me

Absolutely. I can fully understand how this would be the case. However what you're failing to do is see it from her point of view. Your inability or reluctance to mingle at a party means that you need to accept that a party with strangers isn't something you're going to enjoy and plan accordingly.

You might have said when you got the invite, XX you know, I'm not sure that big parties are my thing, I can't handle big groups of people that I don't know, but I'm absolutely happy to come and help you set up and then leave you to it and take you out for dinner another time to celebrate just us two if that would work?

I've got friends that I see one on one because they don't do big groups and they're open enough to communicate that and people accept it. Baby showers aren't my thing, and I'd avoid one like the plague but I'd absolutely be up for blowing balloons up and picking things up to help set up, and helping to clear away, and marking the event with a friend in another way.

You can choose to be offended, or you can take some accountability and know your limits.

Squeezita · 04/01/2023 12:25

YANBU, if she saw you sitting alone for 2 hours and never once came over then she is a selfish user.

Block and delete if there is no reasonable explanation.

I had the opposite but similar problem. A friend of mine got married and I wasn’t given a +1 which I was fine with, but the seating plan for the wedding breakfast seated me with her family who basically ignored me the whole time (we are all of different ethnic backgrounds, not English). I did try talking to them but received monosyllabic responses so gave up.

My friend did have other single friends attending so I’m not sure why I wasn’t seated with them. However, my friend is lovely and the rest of the wedding was fine.

OnlyFannys · 04/01/2023 12:26

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What a horrible post, social anxiety is a mental health issue it's more than being 'shy'

meloonhead · 04/01/2023 12:26

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Yea, because you sound SO lonely yourself @OwwwMuuuum. At least OP was invited. Doubt anyone would want someone with your attitude.

meloonhead · 04/01/2023 12:27

Lovely!* But lonely also fits.

OwwwMuuuum · 04/01/2023 12:28

If you have social anxiety then why even attend a party?

anotherdayanotheralias · 04/01/2023 12:28

Some unsympathetic responses on here from people who have no idea what it's like to have social anxiety but I am surprised if your friend knows this about you that she didn't try to facilitate some introductions. It's part of hosting and especially as you'd helped her out and there was the language barrier and no one else you knew there. Not sure I'd have sat there that long feeling awkward!

Squeezita · 04/01/2023 12:28

GreenManalishi · 04/01/2023 12:25

It's not so easy for someone with anxiety to just walk up to random people and join in.
It was a big thing for me

Absolutely. I can fully understand how this would be the case. However what you're failing to do is see it from her point of view. Your inability or reluctance to mingle at a party means that you need to accept that a party with strangers isn't something you're going to enjoy and plan accordingly.

You might have said when you got the invite, XX you know, I'm not sure that big parties are my thing, I can't handle big groups of people that I don't know, but I'm absolutely happy to come and help you set up and then leave you to it and take you out for dinner another time to celebrate just us two if that would work?

I've got friends that I see one on one because they don't do big groups and they're open enough to communicate that and people accept it. Baby showers aren't my thing, and I'd avoid one like the plague but I'd absolutely be up for blowing balloons up and picking things up to help set up, and helping to clear away, and marking the event with a friend in another way.

You can choose to be offended, or you can take some accountability and know your limits.

Your inability or reluctance to mingle at a party means that you need to accept that a party with strangers isn't something you're going to enjoy and plan accordingly.

You must be a terrible host if you see someone sitting alone for 2 hours on a table alone and can ignore them for 2 hours.

[Say]: I'm absolutely happy to come and help you set up and then leave you to it

Why are you advising OP to be a doormat? Is this how you treat your friends if they aren’t extrovert enough for you?

KalvinPhillipsBoots · 04/01/2023 12:28

Stop moaning OP, I think your friend was busy and you are an adult, you could of introduced yourself, or make your excuses and left.

KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 04/01/2023 12:31

Did you speak to her before hand to say ‘ooh, I’m a bit nervous, whose the best English speaker coming, could you introduce me?’. Otherwise YABU and your friend is not a mind reader. Communicate!

Dreamsoffreedomjoyandpeace · 04/01/2023 12:31

Wow there are some horrid people on Mumsnet today! OP why would you subject yourself to this?!

In my younger years there’s no way I’d have joined a random table of people. It’s so difficult to understand how it feels to be that anxious when you’ve never felt it. I’d have been shaking and unable to speak. If that’s pathetic then whatever, but it wasn’t controllable.

I think if you’d been left for half an hour then your friend may just have been distracted but two hours?!! Even if she didn’t know about your anxiety, you’d think she’d pick up on it after seeing you on your own for that length of time.

Dreamsoffreedomjoyandpeace · 04/01/2023 12:32

If this happened now I’d just leave.

Backstreets · 04/01/2023 12:32

Appreciate the friend had a lot to do but considering how much op helped out beforehand you'd at least expect a check-in? I'd feel a bit used.

Original poster
aailope · 04/01/2023 12:33

@OwwwMuuuum why? Because it's my friends baby shower and it's important to her so I wanted to be there and also she wanted help setting up
I wouldn't not turn up

OP posts:
OnlyFannys · 04/01/2023 12:34

This thread is a depressing insight into the ignorance many people have around anxiety as a mental health issue. Those suggesting its pathetic to feel this way are incredibly lucky that you cant relate to how much of a struggle it is for some of us

mymeatballsmymeatballs · 04/01/2023 12:36

Were you the only person helping her set up? You didn't know anyone else, just her? She ignored you once set up was done and everyone else arrived? If you answer yes to all three questions, I think we know why you were invited. 😬

OrlaCarmichael · 04/01/2023 12:37

I think social anxiety is a red herring here. This would hard for lots of people. Someone from the main/large group, or the host, should have made a gesture early on, or some introductions. This must have become excruciating, and harder for OP to leave the event or join in the longer it went on imo

OwwwMuuuum · 04/01/2023 12:38

Nah, I don’t buy that. You have to work on your social skills. Not just sit back and say it’s too hard to talk to people.

BeeColourful · 04/01/2023 12:38

OwwwMuuuum · 04/01/2023 12:28

If you have social anxiety then why even attend a party?

How do you think anyone ever recovers from social anxiety if they don’t put themselves out there?

OnlyFannys · 04/01/2023 12:38

OwwwMuuuum · 04/01/2023 12:38

Nah, I don’t buy that. You have to work on your social skills. Not just sit back and say it’s too hard to talk to people.

I think you are the one who needs to work on their social skills

Nanny0gg · 04/01/2023 12:42

Hoppinggreen · 04/01/2023 11:38

Perhaps she should have been better at introducing you but most adults can go and introduce themselves instead of sitting alone for 2 hours (I appreciate some can’t)

And clearly the OP is one of them...Confused

Original poster
aailope · 04/01/2023 12:42

@OwwwMuuuum oh so shut up
You clearly have no idea what your talking about ....

OP posts: