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Original poster

Divorce settlement and DD

161 replies

Newname50 · 04/01/2023 01:07

I’ve name changed as probably outing, I’m a long term user of Mumsnet.

Exh and I divorced 3 years ago. I offered to take a reduced settlement to avoid going to court. Ex and his solicitor insisted on the court route as they didn’t think the outcome would be a 50/50 split.

50/50 split was the outcome. House to be sold when DD is out of full time education at age 18.

So this time is fast approaching, she finishes college this summer.

DD is aware of the ruling, but not of all of the details.

It has clearly been playing in her mind. Her father has not sat her down and talked sensibly to her. He is pension age, has a decent civil service pension so income wise he is comfortable.
Nor has he started to look into what he can do accommodation wise. Realistically he would either buy a two bed terraced, or rent.

I have another 15-20 years to work, have a house with a mortgage. Ex resides in marital home, which is mortgage free.

DD has rung me tonight in hysterics. Saying it’s my fault that she will be homeless (!) as she will not live with me if her father cannot afford to buy a house big enough for the both of them. I am in no doubt that this will damage our relationship, which is absolute priority to me.

When I bought this house, I was self employed and my loan to value ratio was low. A family member offered to loan me a deposit which I accepted, with the plan that I will repay them when I have my settlement.

Last year, exh looked into equity release, and whilst this won’t be the full settlement, I am now considering accepting this in order to protect my relationship with DD.
I can use this plus a loan to repay family member the deposit.

I don’t know enough about equity release, what would happen when exh dies, would the house have to be sold then to repay the equity company?

Sorry this is long, any advice much appreciated.

OP posts:
TimeForTeaAndG · 04/01/2023 01:10

I don't know anything about equity release but surely you could have sat down and discussed things with DD like you've expected your ex to do?

Original poster
Newname50 · 04/01/2023 01:12

I should have solid, I have spoken with DD several times about the situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
Newname50 · 04/01/2023 01:12

*said

OP posts:
CatherinedeBourgh · 04/01/2023 01:13

With equity release the interest will usually be added to the debt, which by the time your xh dies is likely to mean the entire value of the house goes to the mortgage company.

In the meantime, your xh gets to live rent free in the house you jointly own.

He's shafting you and using your dd to do it. If you want them to stay in the family home, he should take out a loan for the half he owes you which he then repays from his income.

I suspect he will suddenly not be so fixated on staying in the house.

You could also sit your dd down and take her through the numbers, how much he will get, how much you will get, what he can get with his portion.

Don't let him get away with feeding her this crap.

Original poster
Newname50 · 04/01/2023 01:14

I have provided a hopefully balanced view. Exh is very blinkered, he, in his opinion, was the only one who contributed financially in the marriage. He conveniently forgets that I paid equally for the mortgage, bills, holidays etc

OP posts:
Original poster
Newname50 · 04/01/2023 01:17

Thank you @CatherinedeBourgh. She is so blind sided by him and his family. It’s always “poor dad”. He isn’t poor in any aspect, he plays on the poor me thing.

He openly ignores me in front of DD. He’s a total dick but of course DD doesn’t see this. Which is fair enough but she’s an age now that she should be aware of some of his failings.

OP posts:
Aprilx · 04/01/2023 05:55

I really don’t understand what it is you are trying to achieve with equity release. How it helps anybody here, how it ties in with the ruling to split 50:50? And I do have a good understanding of financial services (have worked in it for +thirty years) so it isn’t a lack of knowledge generally, I just can’t make any sense of the plan. Can you spell it out what you think would happen?

fajitaaaa · 04/01/2023 06:01

I'd explain to her that her ad took you to court and this is what the judge decided was fair so that's what's happening. It's a hard lesson for her to learn but you separated finances at that point and he is not your responsibility.

fajitaaaa · 04/01/2023 06:02

Would you consider going through the details of the judges ruling with her - would that help?

Martialisthebestpup · 04/01/2023 06:05

But if he can buy a two bed terrace he will own a house big enough for him plus a room for your DD/spare room when she’s away? Surely that would be the best option for everyone?

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/01/2023 06:06

Martialisthebestpup · 04/01/2023 06:05

But if he can buy a two bed terrace he will own a house big enough for him plus a room for your DD/spare room when she’s away? Surely that would be the best option for everyone?

This.

StridTheKiller · 04/01/2023 06:14

He has already poisoned DD. No point you going without on top of this. She'll grow up and see through him if you keep plodding on.

MILLYmo0se · 04/01/2023 06:23

If that was the court ruling, that they house be sold, can you just make changes like going for equity release instead? Never been to court so ive no idea how it works

ShippingNews · 04/01/2023 06:31

Equity release would not be a good option at all. It is targeted at older people who need to get money to live on, and the entire amount ( plus interest) is payable to the equity company on the person's death. Normally that isn't a big thing because most people don't get one until they are pretty old . Someone of your ex's stage of life, would accumulate a huge amount of interest by the time they die, to the point where the entire proceeds from the sale would go straight to the equity company. He should simply get a loan and pay you out.

JamNittyGritty · 04/01/2023 06:35

Read an article recently about equity release not being worth it due to huge interest and how surviving family of a person who has done this are left with nothing / sometimes debt when the person dies. Don’t do it. Explain to dd that going to court was dad choice and this was what the judge decided- that from the sale he can afford a home with room for them both. Explain that you staying in your home requires the sale of the house so you can pay loans you borrowed when buying it and without the sale you run the risk of losing your home. Reassure her both parents love her and want to provide a home for her. She’s young and understandably upset and emotional but am sure once all done and dusted she will see reason.

KangarooKenny · 04/01/2023 06:36

Equity release is not a good option. Don’t let your DD force you into something that will be wrong for you in the long run.
Your DD will leave home and forge her own path, you need to do what is right for you. Get legal advice.

loveisagirlnameddaisy · 04/01/2023 06:41

Aprilx · 04/01/2023 05:55

I really don’t understand what it is you are trying to achieve with equity release. How it helps anybody here, how it ties in with the ruling to split 50:50? And I do have a good understanding of financial services (have worked in it for +thirty years) so it isn’t a lack of knowledge generally, I just can’t make any sense of the plan. Can you spell it out what you think would happen?

I understood what OP meant. Rather than ex sell the house and split equity with her, he'll stay in the house and use equity release funds to pay her a reduced settlement. She'll then make up the shortfall in what she owes family member with a loan.

loveisagirlnameddaisy · 04/01/2023 06:43

ShippingNews · 04/01/2023 06:31

Equity release would not be a good option at all. It is targeted at older people who need to get money to live on, and the entire amount ( plus interest) is payable to the equity company on the person's death. Normally that isn't a big thing because most people don't get one until they are pretty old . Someone of your ex's stage of life, would accumulate a huge amount of interest by the time they die, to the point where the entire proceeds from the sale would go straight to the equity company. He should simply get a loan and pay you out.

He may also owe more than the house is worth either before he dies or when he dies. I don't know what equity release companies do in this instance.

fajitaaaa · 04/01/2023 06:45

Realistically he would either buy a two bed terraced, or rent. so she'd have room?

Soontobe60 · 04/01/2023 06:46

Equity release won’t work in this situation. There is a limit as to how much ER can be taken against a property. So for a house worth, say, £300k, you might get £80k from ER. In the OPs situation, she is entitled to £150k, so there would be a huge shortfall with no means of getting that money off her ex.

OP, I suggest you sit down with your DD and all the figures set out in front of you. Show her what your income is and what ex’s income is. Explain the situation calmly and without apportioning any blame. I’m assuming that your ex received a decent lump sum as part of his pension? He’s emotionally manipulating her!

tenbob · 04/01/2023 06:50

Stay the hell away from equity release…

Do you have anyone in your social
or family circle who works in finance or law and could be an impartial person to gently explain the top level details of the settlement and what would be the usual outcome - ie ex buys his 2 bed terrace and you also buy somewhere smaller but she has space at both

If it is someone neutral, it could help her feel less pulled between 2 parents

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/01/2023 06:56

Gosh, no don’t do this. I think I would give your dd as much financial detail as possible, his income and yours. Iterate you paid half of the mortgage on the marital home, whatever he pretends otherwise.

She sounds impressed by money right now so I think I’d explain doing it this way, you’ll be protecting her inheritance to the best of your ability and if you allow him to take equity release the whole house, your half included will likely end up going to the mortgage company leaving her nowhere to live. Two can play that game. Pig.

Kissedbyfire1 · 04/01/2023 06:57

He’s trying to get the settlement he originally wanted by using DD’s emotions. Perhaps say to her that the outcome was court-ordered at her dad’s insistence and therefore your (and her dad’s) hands are now tied. If you wanted to get into it (which I wouldn’t as it’s none of her business), you could say that you tried to avoid court and you offered a reduced settlement at the time but her dad was adamant and that has turned out to have been a mistake from his perspective.

TeenDivided · 04/01/2023 07:00

Surely all you need to do is to sit down and say:
Look the house is valued at about £400k.
Your Dad gets half of that £200k.
For £200k he can buy this, or this, or this.

Drywhitefruitycidergin · 04/01/2023 07:03

Perhaps he could rent his half of the house from you if he wants to stay - formal agreement, market rate.
Ultimately it's his bad planning not your problem and he's blackmailing you via your daughter. Shitty behaviour

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