Divorce settlement and DD

[Newname50]

I’ve name changed as probably outing, I’m a long term user of Mumsnet.

Exh and I divorced 3 years ago. I offered to take a reduced settlement to avoid going to court. Ex and his solicitor insisted on the court route as they didn’t think the outcome would be a 50/50 split.

50/50 split was the outcome. House to be sold when DD is out of full time education at age 18.

So this time is fast approaching, she finishes college this summer.

DD is aware of the ruling, but not of all of the details.

It has clearly been playing in her mind. Her father has not sat her down and talked sensibly to her. He is pension age, has a decent civil service pension so income wise he is comfortable.
Nor has he started to look into what he can do accommodation wise. Realistically he would either buy a two bed terraced, or rent.

I have another 15-20 years to work, have a house with a mortgage. Ex resides in marital home, which is mortgage free.

DD has rung me tonight in hysterics. Saying it’s my fault that she will be homeless (!) as she will not live with me if her father cannot afford to buy a house big enough for the both of them. I am in no doubt that this will damage our relationship, which is absolute priority to me.

When I bought this house, I was self employed and my loan to value ratio was low. A family member offered to loan me a deposit which I accepted, with the plan that I will repay them when I have my settlement.

Last year, exh looked into equity release, and whilst this won’t be the full settlement, I am now considering accepting this in order to protect my relationship with DD.
I can use this plus a loan to repay family member the deposit.

I don’t know enough about equity release, what would happen when exh dies, would the house have to be sold then to repay the equity company?

Sorry this is long, any advice much appreciated.

It matters for as long as the house is in her name.

That's the risk when you choose to partner, marry and have children with someone 20 years younger. I'm not judging, just stating that choices have risks.

But that’s the entire point of the exercise - he pays, she no longer owns half the house. So it’s none of her business how he raises the money to buy her out.

@Blossomtoes but he'll need to take the equity out while it's in both their names to then buy her out, won't he? So the debt will be both of theirs?

Op I have been in the exact same position as you, although my Dc was more mutual by the sounds of it. Like you my ex wanted to shaft me out of 50k by doing some kind of equity release. I did not agree as to me, I wanted to secure my financial future as a paramount.
Giving myself permission to not be responsible for anyone else’s happiness anymore was liberating. DM me if you need to.

I explained above - you involve a conveyancing solicitor to see how it can be done.

Not equity release, but my XH remortgaged to buy me out of our house - really common practice. It happens in a same day series of transactions - my charge on the house was lifted, the remortgage (with him as sole owner) was completed, the money went to solicitor account, who paid me - all safe in the knowledge that my charge was lifted.
It’s just a question of knowing how to do it.

Mesher Orders are still granted, and frequently. There’s certainly a move away from them as it’s recognised that sometimes you’re just kicking the problem down the road. But I don’t know where you have your information from that they’re not used now. They very much are still an option.

So, with his percentage of the house sale he could afford a smaller home.

Your DD isn't going to be "homeless" then as she will have a home just not the one she's in.

I think you need to be brutally honest with her, she's old enough to hear the facts although she may not like them. If you don't have the relationship where you can ask him to talk her then she's going to have to do it herself.

Please don't make a decision to your own detriment because she's being a drama queen.

Besides, at 18, your daughter should be looking to her own home, not having tantrums about Mummy's and Daddy's. I'd re-orient her focus towards her own future.

Exactly.

She could be gióne in a couple of years & Op still paying off debt!

How much would a 2BR terraced place cost? If it would cost similar to the 80k that the ex will get then show your daughter this, and explain that downsizing does not equal homelessness.

Thank you for all the advice!

To answer some questions-

Yes, DD is a bit dramatic. But she is, naturally, worried about her fathers future, and ergo hers.
Deep down she knows that she won’t be homeless, but because, in her eyes, I am the one who is taking her fathers home, then I am the bad guy.

So although she could live here with me if he ends up somewhere that she cannot have a room, then her animosity towards me would be high, and she would not live here due to that.

No, it isn’t any of my business how exh raises the settlement. But it will affect DD however he does so, in that the house will be sold and won’t, as he has told her, always be her home after he dies.

I cannot express how angry I am with him for poisoning her and making these false promises. For not being organised in readiness for this to minimise the distress to her. He is so bitter, and he is allowing that to over spill and cloud everything else.

DD is not planning to move out of the area and go to uni, her career choice means this won’t be necessary.

Yes, he could buy a decent ish property with 80k, but that is for him to decide.

How about a double or quits offer? 😉

He either buys you out of your half now, or signs the house over to you in its entirety and you let him live there until such time as he dies or goes into a home. All sorted out 100% legally.

Downside is that you’ll pay CGT and have to find some way of paying off the family loan.

Upside is your daughter still stands to inherit exactly the same, and long term you get £80K ish more than you settled for 😉

Does she understand that by staying in the house he made you homeless? That you had to borrow from family to put a roof over your head and hers? He was happy to do that to his early-teens daughter.

That would really get to him @Testina! And as much as I like that idea, he would never go for it. Also, I can’t raise the funds to pay the loan off.

@NancyJoan, he didn’t care one not about that. He was just happy to stay in his bloody castle.

I didn’t buy straight away, rented for a few years.
This has been dragging on for years.

@Newname50 sadly it wasn’t really a serious suggestion - but I thought you’d enjoy the idea of it 🤣
Good luck to you. You have to stand firm and it’s quite “lucky” that you need to pay off the family loan so you can tell your daughter than you simply have no option to wait.

@Testina oh I certainly did 🤣🤣

Ah thank you. I don’t feel as though I have any other choice but to stand firm.

Parents worry too much about kids. By the time you are 70 she will probably visit you once a month and ring for 10 mins once a week.

@JLoti well I hope I’ve built up a good enough relationship for us to be having more frequent contact than that!

Yes I do worry about her. I worry about how this will affect her. You only have to look on the relationships board here to understand that viewpoint.

As others have said- she is old enough now to have some awareness that you were left 'homeless' in the split, and were forced to make do and improve your circumstances how you could. He's had the advantage of having a stable home, and years to organise a solution to his housing- you were given none of that. And she's old enough now that to be honest I would be having that conversation frankly with her. I don't agree with children being brought into situations regarding finances and separation usually, but he's inserted her with half truths- she's almost 18 and I'd be telling her clearly the view from your side.

You are entitled to £80k. That is not particularly much money so he might well be able to remortgage, cash in his pension or do equity relase so probably could pay without having to sell the home and therefore the daughter would still be housed but that is for him to decide.

Yes I do worry about her. I worry about how this will affect her. You only have to look on the relationships board here to understand that viewpoint.

My first thought on how it might affect DD is that if you try to spare her the full truth of the toxicity of her father, she could well end up in relationship with someone just like him. Bit horrifying, I'm sorry.

May sound harsh. However ur daughter is not going to live you with him forever. In the mean time why can't she have one of the two bedrooms? If he can afford a 2 bed.

If not then the reality is she would need to live with you hardly homeless.

I suspect she is being manipulated. However by the time she realises it will be too late and you'll have been screwed over.

Get the house sold take ur 50%. Equity release sounds a terrible idea.

Explain things to your daughter that he can get a 2 bed and she always has a home with you.

I would not get screwed over financially because u allowed myself to be manipulated by a near enough adult. Child or not.

You need to remember long term its for her benefit as well.

We all think that! I wish I had put myself first more than I did. I now have one child who lives 60 miles away who visits every 12 weeks and one who lives 30 miles away who I see once every 4/6 weeks. At least she calls though. I had good relationships with them too! Stop worrying about her. You will be the least of her worries when she finds her someone and settles down. Parents become a bind when older and you then wonder why you invested so much time in them and worried about them so much. She is being dramatic. Don’t pander too it.

I’m no expert in this stuff but a couple of suggestions to consider if you’re priority is helping DD with her feelings of unfairness (clearly these are not warranted, but she’s only young and her dad seems a good manipulator) while not shafting yourself (or her - because, after all, she may well be impacted by his poor financial choices eventually)

Am assuming you currently have a home with space for her and that she spends time at both your houses, but that she considering his house her childhood home etc

so -

Are you (and the person you owe money to) in a position to consider a written addendum to your agreement which allows him to stay in the marital home until she finishes university/full time education and sell at that point? From what you’ve said this is possibly only 3/4 years away (if that is the path she is taking) and it seems more likely she will be able to disengage from her ties to this home once she’s finished studying and is getting a job and her own place anyway.

Alternatively would you be prepared, if it came to it, to loan him back any money once the place was sold, to ensure he can afford something reasonable? You could put a second charge on the property/have it all drawn up legally, so that money comes back to you eventually.

I realise none of these options are ideal for you, and I think there are probably some instances when children can be given more details than is healthy. But she’s 18 and she is (at her dad’s behest) inserting herself into the situation.

So maybe try and sit down and have a conversation about her concerns and what you can do to help alleviate them. If her concern is her connection to the house then option 1 and she has time to get used to the idea. If it’s more “what will happen to dad” then option 2, but don’t be pushed into agreeing the fine details with her - that has to be between you and him and depends on what is actually affordable for you etc. it’s more like - of course I will help make sure you he has somewhere suitable to go if I am in a position to do so, I won’t let him fall through the cracks etc

Try to be non judgmental and focus on the behaviour she sees from you and want you want to model to her in terms of compassion/security etc. Don't let the unfairness of the fact that you’re still cleaning up his rubbish undermine the end game. Eventually she will be a fully fledged grown up and she will either see through his manipulation or she won’t - but this way she will see you as fair minded and reliable, rather than whatever picture he tries to paint (money grabbing/unfair etc). Own your relationship with her and your actions, don’t let him undermine that.

i know it’s a bit alternative as a perspective, but hope it’s in some way helpful to think about it from this angle.