Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Divorce settlement and DD

161 replies

Newname50 · 04/01/2023 01:07

I’ve name changed as probably outing, I’m a long term user of Mumsnet.

Exh and I divorced 3 years ago. I offered to take a reduced settlement to avoid going to court. Ex and his solicitor insisted on the court route as they didn’t think the outcome would be a 50/50 split.

50/50 split was the outcome. House to be sold when DD is out of full time education at age 18.

So this time is fast approaching, she finishes college this summer.

DD is aware of the ruling, but not of all of the details.

It has clearly been playing in her mind. Her father has not sat her down and talked sensibly to her. He is pension age, has a decent civil service pension so income wise he is comfortable.
Nor has he started to look into what he can do accommodation wise. Realistically he would either buy a two bed terraced, or rent.

I have another 15-20 years to work, have a house with a mortgage. Ex resides in marital home, which is mortgage free.

DD has rung me tonight in hysterics. Saying it’s my fault that she will be homeless (!) as she will not live with me if her father cannot afford to buy a house big enough for the both of them. I am in no doubt that this will damage our relationship, which is absolute priority to me.

When I bought this house, I was self employed and my loan to value ratio was low. A family member offered to loan me a deposit which I accepted, with the plan that I will repay them when I have my settlement.

Last year, exh looked into equity release, and whilst this won’t be the full settlement, I am now considering accepting this in order to protect my relationship with DD.
I can use this plus a loan to repay family member the deposit.

I don’t know enough about equity release, what would happen when exh dies, would the house have to be sold then to repay the equity company?

Sorry this is long, any advice much appreciated.

OP posts:
Campervangirl · 04/01/2023 07:14

Personally I'd give it one last shot at trying to reason with dd then I wouldn't entertain anymore conversations, it beggars belief, I've read a few threads on MN where the DC think it's their right to get involved in divorced parents finances.
"Dd this is the last time I'm going to discuss this with you.
When we divorced it was a court ruling that the house would be sold when you turned 18, the house that I paid half towards.
I moved out and had to rehouse myself using a loan that has to be repaid when the family home is sold.
Your df has had the sole use of the family home that I paid half towards, whilst I had the stress of leaving my home, that I paid half towards.
You're concerned that you and df will be homeless, this is not the case, df can buy a smaller property, I on the other hand, without the sale of the family home, will have to sell my current home to repay the loan and I will be homeless.
Your df has known for xx number of years that the house would need to be sold.
I don't want to discuss this again unless you can put yourself in my situation and understand my position "
I would not settle for anything less than 50% Op especially when the pressure is being piled on by dd who is acting under pressure from her df and clearly doesn't have any understanding of adult life and finances.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 04/01/2023 07:21

At her age, she should be embracing independence. Not relying on her parents. Does she have a part-time job? (Assuming she is still in education.)

Calling you and wailing that she will be homeless, suggests some manipulation behind the scenes.

Does she love with you or ex? Or 50/50?

crimsonlake · 04/01/2023 07:33

Perhaps I am stating the obvious but why did the ex get to stay in the fmh with your daughter and not you?
Are you currently renting or have you bought another property, does your daughter have a room at yours?

jay55 · 04/01/2023 07:34

Don't shaft yourself.
You've been paying interest while he sits pretty.
Your relative has been losing interest and security while he sits pretty.
Your daughter needs to understand her father is trying to make you homeless, not the other way around.

Original poster
Newname50 · 04/01/2023 07:36

For clarity, exh is almost 70, there is a large age difference between him and I.

House is worth 160k, so would be difficult for him to find somewhere decent, but he has some savings apparently that could be put to also.

Thank you all for the advice re equity release. That was what I wasn’t sure about. So DD would have to select the house in any case.

She is 50/50 re living arrangements.

I’ll try talking to her today, and see how she is.

OP posts:
Overandunderit · 04/01/2023 07:38

OP please don't do equity release. Your ExH is manipulating your DD to get what he wants and you'll be worse off. He'll essentially be able to stay in the house and then the house does back to bank if he lives a long time.

Sit DD down and explain the situation. She's nearly an adult. Don't let her get to you like this.

Explain she'll always have a home with you but this is already decided.

MintChocCornetto · 04/01/2023 07:46

She is way too involved in things that aren't really her business, expect that is your ex's doing

I would sit her down and go through the court ruling & explain the implications of equity release for her future. Two can play at that game.

And don't you dare give up one penny of that settlement.

Soontobe60 · 04/01/2023 08:00

As the house is such a low value, it could be very tricky. That puts a different slant on things.
I’m assuming he would struggle to get a suitable 2 bed house with £80k, and he won’t get a mortgage at his age. If you decided to take him to court for your share, the courts would not make him intentionally homeless. Just out of interest, when you bought the house, did you both put an equal amount into the deposit or did he have more from a previous property? Could this be why his family are so antagonistic?
Are you in a position to be able to take rent off him in order to pay back your family loan rather than him selling the house?

Martialisthebestpup · 04/01/2023 08:02

The rent idea could be a good one.
He would owe you rent on your share of the house. So only half of what it would cost to rent a similar property.

Darhon · 04/01/2023 08:03

Please get what is yours. He could have settled and didn’t do now the court outcome has to play out. Don’t take the equity release. In the longterm that is worse for your daughter. You have less income and he has a smaller amount to leave her. He needs to take the pain and downsize I’m afraid. She’ll have a room still.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 04/01/2023 08:17

Also, it’s a good lesson to your daughter about not getting screwed over!

SebastiansLeg · 04/01/2023 08:22

I think what campervan has said is very apt. Your DD is only seeing it from her Dad's side and not that you had to fund your property where you are now. The court decided a 50/50 split was fair to both parties, they are impartial. He has known this was coming for years, it isn't like this happened suddenly.

I would also tell her that you paid toward the mortgage, bills and holidays, in fact I would write down a list of things you paid toward so that you don't miss anything off, not costs, just things you paid for.

You are entitled to your share and you should get it.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 04/01/2023 08:23

This was decided as being fair by the courts. You actually offered less. I dont think it's a good idea to let your daughter have a say. It means you would be reinforcing her dads emotional manipulation and letting her think that she has any business getting involved in your finances.

GarlicCrackers · 04/01/2023 08:25
  1. Don't be a pushover
  2. Take what is owed to you
  3. Your daughter is young and will grow up. She might not understand now but she will
  4. If you insist on being a pushover then you're not exactly showing her the right way to stand up for your rights/entitlement

You sound kind and considerate but in this context I don't feel like it will do you any favours.

Angeldelight81 · 04/01/2023 08:25

My ex went down the, making the children homeless and enforcing in the court order and chucking the kids out route. Actual children not 18 year olds. They still love him and think the sunshine is out of his arse so I wouldn’t worry too much.

Angeldelight81 · 04/01/2023 08:27

oh ok I’m

confessionstoday · 04/01/2023 08:30

Tell her that's what the judge decided and you are not allowed to go against an order of the court.
Simple.
She will get over it and as she gets older she will understand

SD1978 · 04/01/2023 08:30

He's the one who has brought your daughter into this, not you. You left the marital home, and this is continued to increase in value I'd assume. How big a difference if there between the equity he's offering and the actual value of the 50/50 split. How long ago did you divorce? He's had time to deal with this and make a plan- he hasn't and is trying to use your daughter to guilt you into giving him want he wants. Giving up what you've been entitled to, because he's manipulating your daughter, isn't going to do you or her any favours in the long term.

KILM · 04/01/2023 08:32

So if she's with you 50/50 anyway, she has a bedroom with you - so where's this 'homeless' idea coming from as she very obviously won't be....this has to be her dad winding her up otherwise she's REALLY misunderstood something here....

rookiemere · 04/01/2023 08:33

Do not give up any of the settlement, that's exactly what ex wants.
I would explain to DD that you are only in the house you have because of a loan which needs to be repaid and the only way to do that is through the settlement.

Tell her that you do not wish to see Ex homeless or in too small home either, but you need a mechanism to pay back the loan.

Citylab · 04/01/2023 08:36

If he had a big pension, this should have been taken into account during the divorce. It's probably worth as much as the house or more.

So why is he getting 50% of the house?

FirstnameSuesecondnamePerb · 04/01/2023 08:37

I think you should have a full and frank with dd about how money works.
In particular the position that her Dad is in, with a guaranteed income for the rest of his life is not in your future. That you are simply getting back what you put in and presumably he will be fine to buy and or rent somewhere else. If you want to, you could reassure her (esp if she is mid A levels) that you will do nothing until she has finished her first year of Uni, or some other fixed point.

Rainbowqueeen · 04/01/2023 08:38

Remind her that this arrangement was decided by the court who had all the information and is an unbiased third party.

Also that 50-50 is very standard.

Do not do the equity split. Your ex is not poor and has several years to prepare for this time

diddl · 04/01/2023 08:38

So you have a house with a mortgage, he has a house he can sell & buy something outright with his share.

She is 18 & could work & rent.

How the actual fuck is she in any way shape or form about to be homeless.

Don't get into debt for her.

She sounds ridiculous.

It also sounds as if your relationship is already damaged with the way she is carrying on.

kingtamponthefurred · 04/01/2023 08:40

Your daughter will not be homeless if she has one parent she can live with. If she does not wish to live with that parent, she has the same options as other young adults who do not want to live with parents-find a job and a flat or house share.

Swipe left for the next trending thread