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Original poster

Divorce settlement and DD

161 replies

Newname50 · 04/01/2023 01:07

I’ve name changed as probably outing, I’m a long term user of Mumsnet.

Exh and I divorced 3 years ago. I offered to take a reduced settlement to avoid going to court. Ex and his solicitor insisted on the court route as they didn’t think the outcome would be a 50/50 split.

50/50 split was the outcome. House to be sold when DD is out of full time education at age 18.

So this time is fast approaching, she finishes college this summer.

DD is aware of the ruling, but not of all of the details.

It has clearly been playing in her mind. Her father has not sat her down and talked sensibly to her. He is pension age, has a decent civil service pension so income wise he is comfortable.
Nor has he started to look into what he can do accommodation wise. Realistically he would either buy a two bed terraced, or rent.

I have another 15-20 years to work, have a house with a mortgage. Ex resides in marital home, which is mortgage free.

DD has rung me tonight in hysterics. Saying it’s my fault that she will be homeless (!) as she will not live with me if her father cannot afford to buy a house big enough for the both of them. I am in no doubt that this will damage our relationship, which is absolute priority to me.

When I bought this house, I was self employed and my loan to value ratio was low. A family member offered to loan me a deposit which I accepted, with the plan that I will repay them when I have my settlement.

Last year, exh looked into equity release, and whilst this won’t be the full settlement, I am now considering accepting this in order to protect my relationship with DD.
I can use this plus a loan to repay family member the deposit.

I don’t know enough about equity release, what would happen when exh dies, would the house have to be sold then to repay the equity company?

Sorry this is long, any advice much appreciated.

OP posts:
Getoff · 04/01/2023 10:33

If he has a good pension, surely he could afford to pay interest on an 80K interest-only mortgage? That would probably be a small monthly outgoing?

I don't know if he could get such a mortgage at a good interest rate, but I feel it ought not to be a problem. Technically this would probably be categorised as equity release, but it's not a bad option in the way that traditional equity release usually is.

In the last thread on equity release, there were people arguing that equity release nowadays is a completely different thing than it used to be, it's just a loan, and the interest rates aren't necessarily bad. I haven't looked into it, so I don't know if that's true.

Puckthemagicdragon · 04/01/2023 10:36

Equity release - avoid avoid avoid. The interest eats away the value of the house so eventually you're left with nothing. Or to put it another way, your daughter will have no inheritance

Theunamedcat · 04/01/2023 10:36

I wouldn't sit down and be reasonable with someone who tried to turn my children against me

Stick to the court order your hands are tied

Livetoplay · 04/01/2023 10:36

He’s going to struggle to get a mortgage at the age of 70

purpledalmation · 04/01/2023 10:40

I would definitely not go down the equity release side of things as it would probably decrease your ultimate share. Speak to a solicitor if you are looking at this to protect your asset. Could you defer the sale of the family home until DD is 21? Or even until she leaves home?

Getoff · 04/01/2023 10:43

My first though on the OP, which wasn't helpful in any way, is how can a 50:50 settlement of actual assets be fair, when there's a 20 year discrepancy in human capital. 50:50 means the OP will spend the bulk of her life with far more assets than he will have for the remainder of his. Unless she was a much higher earner, or contributed more to the marriage, I don't see how that is fair.

Now that I know the amount of assets in question is so small, I'm far less bothered though. The amount of assets could well be outweighed by other financial considerations.

StripeyDeckchair · 04/01/2023 10:45

You stick to what the court ordered - how your Ex decides to action this is up to him and not your issue.

Your daughter needs to grow up a bit and see that this is the outcome of divorce & reflects the input into the marriage by both parties. The court was impartial & unbiased in making the ruling.

Do not let your Ex manipulate your daughter so you suffer financially

mellicauli · 04/01/2023 10:47

If the judge thought it was the fairest outcome, it probably is.

Do not accept a lower settlement: your daughter will not be homeless. She is 18 years old and doesn't understand how these things work. You really need to secure your own future rather than pandering to her emotional manipulation.

Do not get involved with equity release - it is a complete rip off and not in your interests.

Also sure that when you get your settlement that the loan which is owed on it is not part of the 50%. SO if it is a 200k house and the loan is 20k, the loan should be paid off (180k) then split between the 2 of you (90 each). You both owe that money, not just you. The equity and the debt needs to be split between the two of you.

ILoveMyBedTooMuch · 04/01/2023 10:59

Getoff · 04/01/2023 10:43

My first though on the OP, which wasn't helpful in any way, is how can a 50:50 settlement of actual assets be fair, when there's a 20 year discrepancy in human capital. 50:50 means the OP will spend the bulk of her life with far more assets than he will have for the remainder of his. Unless she was a much higher earner, or contributed more to the marriage, I don't see how that is fair.

Now that I know the amount of assets in question is so small, I'm far less bothered though. The amount of assets could well be outweighed by other financial considerations.

I'm guessing she didn't take any part of his pension.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/01/2023 10:59

Livetoplay · 04/01/2023 10:31

I’m going to go against the grain and say that if I was financial comfortable I wouldn’t want to see my ex struggle or lose a house he wanted to stay in if there was an alternative.
can you sit down and talk to him realistically about this?
if he can’t afford to buy a place with what’s left and he’s pension then it may be worth finding a compromise. I can see why your DD is upset.

How much can he afford to give you if the house isn’t sold? Do you need that money right away or can you put an agreement into place that he stays, you both own it and on his death his half goes to DD?

How much would Equity release give you - presuming his does it and you take that ££ with no other claim in the house?

I wouldn’t lose my DD for the sake of £80k that I didn’t really need - look at it from her POV, her DDad - elderly and retired- is about to lose his home.

Op is not in a comfortable position though. She has to service her mortgage and has promised to return the money she was loaned for the deposit on her property once the joint marital home is sold. Her dd is 18 and her creditors rightly should expect their money back.

titchy · 04/01/2023 11:07

Could you point out to her that his plan means she won't inherit a penny from him, whereas you have prioritised having a property to leave when the time comes.

SirMingeALot · 04/01/2023 11:10

At his age, depending on the area of the country it's conceivable that he might be able to access social housing specifically for older people. There are areas where demand doesn't much outstrip supply, and if the house is only worth 160k at present he might well live in one of them. That does mean DD wouldn't be able to live with him OP, but then it appears neither of them see that happening in the longer run regardless.

OverTheRubicon · 04/01/2023 11:10

Don't do it. My uncle was the same, my aunt was screwed over and he still found more things to emotionally poison the kids with.

123sunshine · 04/01/2023 11:20

Firstly I would give a bit of time/grace, 6 motnhs maybe a year, at 18 your daughter maybe undecided where her life is going and understandably feels a bit wrongfotted at the loss of her family home, rightly or wrongly. Is she likely to go away to university or is she looking to get a full time job? Once she has a direction in life then I would be pushing for the enforcement, but not beforehand, however at some point the court order does have to be enforced and your ex husbands finances are simply nothing to do with you. In order for him to take equity release on the property, your name would have to be off of the deeds as you no longer reside in the property and are too young for equity release, plus you need your money out and a clean break. He could sell and purchase a smaller property if there is a shortfall he could purchase using a mortgage (Retirement Interest Only if he meets the affordability Criterea) or by an equity release lifetime mortage where there is no affordability criterea, he can then either service the interest payments (on equity release) or allow them to roll up frankly thats his issue not yours.

Ignore those commenting on your daughters inheritance etc, he could end up in care and there would be no money anyway. An inheritance isn't a given right, just a nice bonus.

43percentburnt · 04/01/2023 11:20

He needs to Speak to a mortgage broker about a RIO mortgage. This is an interest only mortgage and only a few high st lenders do it. You pay the interest each month so an option for someone with a good pension. The interest does not ‘roll up’. Repayment is usually on death or care home entry. If you borrow 80k you owe 80k on death and have paid interest monthly in the interim.

ChristmasRoses · 04/01/2023 11:22

It's a Court Order, enforced by the Court, not you. It's out of your hands. Have your solicitor remind him of his obligations and consequences if he doesn't comply with the Order

TooManyPlatesInMotion · 04/01/2023 11:32

If your dd finishes college this year then she is old enough to jave a sit down chat and run through what the court ordered (on the application of her father!). Show her the docs, talk her through.

Presumably all your ex would need is a 2 bedroom flat or house? He should be able to achieve that if currently mortgage free. So what is the issue for either of them?

longtompot · 04/01/2023 11:36

Exh and I divorced 3 years ago. I offered to take a reduced settlement to avoid going to court. Ex and his solicitor insisted on the court route as they didn’t think the outcome would be a 50/50 split.

50/50 split was the outcome. House to be sold when DD is out of full time education at age 18.

Is your dd aware of this @Newname50 , that this is down to her father and not you?

lieselotte · 04/01/2023 11:37

Martialisthebestpup · 04/01/2023 06:05

But if he can buy a two bed terrace he will own a house big enough for him plus a room for your DD/spare room when she’s away? Surely that would be the best option for everyone?

Exactly this.

The court made its ruling, the house gets sold when dd is 18.

The other option would be for him to buy out the OP's share, but equity release would be an extremely unwise way of doing that in my view. Presumably such an arrangement would also have to be approved by the court.

I also agree to tell dd that if the house is valued at eg £400K, he gets £200K and that's what it buys him. It's actually fortunate that the marital home is big enough to be split in two and still leave enough for him to buy something outright, even if it's a small two bed terrace.

lieselotte · 04/01/2023 11:40

Ok I see the house isn't worth a huge amount but I assume in the area you live in, there are cheaper options as well. Or he could move to a cheaper area?

Quitelikeit · 04/01/2023 11:44

thinking about it does it actually matter to you where he gets the 80k from?

Stravaig · 04/01/2023 11:56

Your daughter is almost 18 - it is time to stop protecting her from who her father is. Lay it all out for her.

The choices he made during the divorce, and could be making to secure his own future. How he is weaponising her to manipulate you into a position which is harmful to you and your best interests. Challenge her to not be used by him in this way.

DD will not respect you long-term for caving in to him in hopes of appeasing her. Show her a person who respects themselves and takes responsibility for their own life.

ApiratesaysYarrr · 04/01/2023 12:01

Martialisthebestpup · 04/01/2023 08:02

The rent idea could be a good one.
He would owe you rent on your share of the house. So only half of what it would cost to rent a similar property.

I disagree, I think it would be a terrible idea.

If he defaults, OP will be faced with either taking him to court to repossess the part of the house that she owns, or allow him to continue living there rent free and scot free while she pays.

Blossomtoes · 04/01/2023 12:02

Quitelikeit · 04/01/2023 11:44

thinking about it does it actually matter to you where he gets the 80k from?

No it shouldn’t. Provided he coughs up £80k it’s none of her business.

Angeldelight81 · 04/01/2023 12:09

I am actually amazed they allowed this. They don’t normally allow messers orders any more, even 10 years ago. A clean break was very much insisted upon.