Divorce settlement and DD

[Newname50]

I’ve name changed as probably outing, I’m a long term user of Mumsnet.

Exh and I divorced 3 years ago. I offered to take a reduced settlement to avoid going to court. Ex and his solicitor insisted on the court route as they didn’t think the outcome would be a 50/50 split.

50/50 split was the outcome. House to be sold when DD is out of full time education at age 18.

So this time is fast approaching, she finishes college this summer.

DD is aware of the ruling, but not of all of the details.

It has clearly been playing in her mind. Her father has not sat her down and talked sensibly to her. He is pension age, has a decent civil service pension so income wise he is comfortable.
Nor has he started to look into what he can do accommodation wise. Realistically he would either buy a two bed terraced, or rent.

I have another 15-20 years to work, have a house with a mortgage. Ex resides in marital home, which is mortgage free.

DD has rung me tonight in hysterics. Saying it’s my fault that she will be homeless (!) as she will not live with me if her father cannot afford to buy a house big enough for the both of them. I am in no doubt that this will damage our relationship, which is absolute priority to me.

When I bought this house, I was self employed and my loan to value ratio was low. A family member offered to loan me a deposit which I accepted, with the plan that I will repay them when I have my settlement.

Last year, exh looked into equity release, and whilst this won’t be the full settlement, I am now considering accepting this in order to protect my relationship with DD.
I can use this plus a loan to repay family member the deposit.

I don’t know enough about equity release, what would happen when exh dies, would the house have to be sold then to repay the equity company?

Sorry this is long, any advice much appreciated.

I didn't think you could do equity release on mortgage free properties?

I think mortgage free properties are the only ones eligible for equity release.

Also obviously you’re also completely entitled
to just explain to her that this is what court decided, even though you offered to do it differently and avoid court, and so this is what’s happening. As PP have said - don’t feel bullied into taking a worse deal.

Just thought that if there’s a gap between your entitlement and your immediate need there may be another way to go at this which gives you more security and control than the equity release, puts your dad in a better position (assuming she will inherit), but is also a win with your relationship with daughter, that’s all.

Not your dad - your DD 🤦🏻‍♀️

so one should not be concerned about what/how their children feel in case they visit less often than once every 6 weeks when they reach adulthood?

I’d love to hear your adult children’s view on this

I think you should remind your dd that you rented for some time and that yoy were only able to buy because you borrowed all of the money. Have you told her how much you owe on the mortgage and to the person you borrowed from?

I think a really frank conversation about how you bought your current house for x, you borrowed y from the bank and z from (I presume) family all whilst her father stayed in the marital home mortgage free, which was specifically done for her. You struggled. Her father did not. Now you have a debt to pay to x relative and they are expecting their money. A matter of honour and so forth.

What about going onto rightmove with your dd and showing her what he can get for 80k? You say he has savings and a decent pension, ergo he could get more. If you know how much more, also show her those houses.

Your dd is 18, I don’t see anything wrong with discussing your finances with her.

I agree with others that you shouldn't agree to accept a figure lower than the court awarded amount. Your dd may not want to leave her childhood home which is understandable. So I think you need to explain the costs that you've spent on housing since your separation and that without the help of your relative you wouldn't have been able to buy a house but that your debt now needs to be repaid.

I doubt your ex will be able to release 50% equity to satisfy your share. As a child you don't think about housing and clearly your ex hasn't made any long term plans.

@Stravaig that has been my concern for years. I always try to be the parent who provides positivity and balance.

I do need to talk with her about this, she already knows that it is ok to end relationships when they aren’t right for whatever reason.

It’s just difficult when it’s her father who is the toxic one.

The judge made a decision based upon what was fair for both you and exh. If exh refuses to follow court order drag him back to court. Make it clear to him the house will be sold as per court order. When your dd is 18 put the house up for sale. We ith.a court order he can't stop you. You dd be will g try ow up eventually. I had a similar situation in that my exh poisoned DD against me because when exh cheated on me I refused to give him another chance. My dd was at uni through DH cheating, which she refused to believe. She was not at home to see court proceedings and sale of house. Exh fed her crap about poor Daddy on his own with nothing while I moved on quite quickly into new relationship. My dd refused to speak to me for 3 years during which time I got engaged and remarried. It was only a year later when she got engaged she contacted me as she wanted me at her wedding. She had point blank refused to attend my wedding and was rude to my new DH. I went to her wedding and she grudgingly allowed my new DH to attend with me. We have patched things up and she has given me 2 dgc now. The relationship withy DD has never gone back to how close we were before I divorced her Dad and she occasionally makes a comment about poor Dad.....is on his own......can't afford a nice house like you have etc. I try to ignore it but it is hard not to snap and say he has what he deserves.

The thing is, the Judge didn’t say the house had to be sold, he said you had to be paid half the value when your DD turned 18. Your ex was mortgage free. He should have been saving as hard as possible to pay you out for your share if he wanted to keep living there.

There is no way you should be financially disadvantaged because he hasn’t planned.

Also, you’ve said you owe a big chunk of the equity to someone else. I don’t think you have any choice but to force a sale in the circumstances.

@Newname50 It sounds like you're on the right track. She will figure it out with more life experience. Hard though it is, try to keep focus on what will be best for her and for you in the long term, instead of scrambling to preserve a sweet relationship with her in the present.

It's unfortunate that she's not moving away to study/train, as that would give her some distance from the situation in a very natural way. Given her father's age, I'd worry about him roping her in as ad hoc carer if she doesn't fledge the nest soon.