Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not find this funny?

227 replies

Whatthough · 03/01/2023 16:31

My husband has a daughter who is 10.

Recently she has started telling literally everyone who comes to our house that I drink all the time (variations of that sort of thing).

The thing is I genuinely hand on heart do not. No more than any other person maybe a glass of wine on the weekend or something but I really do not drink much at all.

I don't know why it's started but she seems to think it's hilarious. I've told her not to say it a few times now but honestly it's starting to piss me off now. She said it to my mum earlier again.

AIBU to get mad if it's said again seen as asking nicely doesn't get me anywhere? DH just thinks it's a joke. Not a funny one. And as awful as it sounds it's just starting to make me dislike her.

OP posts:
Ariela · 03/01/2023 19:04

I think you need to point out the consequences of this lie to your DH and insist he nips it in the bud. Suppose she talks to her friends at school and says you always have a drink in your hand whenever she stays - safeguarding issues could be raised and preventing her visiting your DH as he's living with someone with a hue alcohol problem.
For your part, it might be good to do dry January every time she visits this month.

grumpycow1 · 03/01/2023 19:05

If she’s doing it to you, she may well be doing it at school too (Bullying). Plus there may be consequences of someone reporting it if she says it to the wrong person. Your DH needs to tell her firmly not to do this and if she doesn’t listen there need to be consequences. You are not unreasonable at all. But don’t engage in a battle with her yourself, it will just make it worse. She is clearly baiting you.

Shodan · 03/01/2023 19:08

If she says it front of people, I'd suggest just saying to your friends/guests "Oh don't take any notice of dsd, she's being a silly billy again. She thinks it's funny to fib about me drinking."

Or, something that used to work on my kids was to 'drone' them out- you pick up the ball she's dropped and go on and on- "yes, I do drink! Everyone does! We'd die if we didn't drink. I drink water, juice, tea- I like a nice Earl Grey sometimes- coffee, Sprite..." etc etc

Obviously the first thing to do is to get your DH to have stern words with her though. I feel for you- it must be very tedious.

ArabellaScott · 03/01/2023 19:12

It sounds to me like you need to have a think about why she is doing this. I would say it points to her having a problem with you, and wanting to communicate that but not feeling able to. There are lots of fairly obvious reasons she may resent you or feel angry with you - or it may be that in fact she wants to get closer to you - she may also even be 'testing' you to see if she can trust you. You won't really know until you set aside some time to sit with her and ask her, develop trust and give her a space where she can open up.

ContadoraExplorer · 03/01/2023 19:12

illiterato · 03/01/2023 16:36

Say “yup, one glass every time you wet the bed”.

I shouldn't laugh but I totally did.

It would piss me off too OP. Has she perhaps heard someone else make the joke once and thought it was an adult sort of thing to say, I know I did stuff like that when I was young although they were generally one off comments?

The three options I'd consider would be:

*Ignoring if she is looking for a reaction
*As above and winding her up to give her some of her own medicine
*Or sitting down and having a serious but age appropriate chat about alcoholism and how it's a serious illness and not actually something to joke about (even if you rarely drink and clearly aren't one). At 10 I think I would probably have understood and also felt respect for being treated as a bit more mature but you'll know yourselves whether that would be suitable for her.

OooScotland · 03/01/2023 19:12

Chickenly · 03/01/2023 16:39

I’d have a stern conversation with your DH where you point out that she’s telling people lies about you having a substance abuse problem and this kind of lie could develop into things that involve social services if said to the wrong person, the wrong way or with the wrong variation. It’s not a joke to an adult, it’s a joke to a 10yo who doesn’t understand the potential repercussions.

Where did she get this from? How did it start? I would expect my DH to stop her from saying it and explain to her how serious these kinds of jokes can be - she simply doesn’t understand that, if taken the wrong way, this could be a really big problem.

I understand why you’re embarrassed but she’s only ten. She has no concept that she’s actually hurting you by doing this. It does not to stop but don’t blame her.

This. I know everyone is being lighthearted about it but it sounds to me like its something she may have got from her Mum. Is there any resentment there between you/dh and her? Could she be planning to use this allegation to reduce dd’s contact with dad?

If its said to the wrong person outside the house you could absolutely have problems at work or with social services if you don’t get her parents to nip it firmly in the bud.

amiold · 03/01/2023 19:13

"She's started lying like a small child again 🙄 hope she grows out of it before big school because nobody wants to be friends with a liar. Did I tell you where I went the other week..." and totally change the subject and ask her to go and do something elsewhere if she tries to but in again "xyz can you go and do such and such please we're talking"

Tinkerbyebye · 03/01/2023 19:14

Iwould be asking dh to have a talk with her about the fact it’s not funny, it is now way past a joke and it has to stop, now. He needs to explain what will happen if she doesn’t, ie removal of screen time, stay in room whatever

how often is she with you? I would now consider going out when she is there and not taking her, then advising her that she feels now how you feel

WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 03/01/2023 19:15

@Whatthough

YADNBU. I am on your side 100%. My DH doesn't drink - stopped some 5 years ago, and last spring and summer, he seemed to go through a phase of making stupid snarky 'jokey' comments (when it was just me and him, AND when we had visitors,) about what a fucking lush I am, how I sit at home with a drip strapped to me, and how I fall all over the kitchen like a big old pisshead. Hmm

He has also said things to a neighbour 'jokingly...' I said 'I have a bit of a headache today...' and in front of a neighbour he says 'that'll be the 2 bottles of wine you necked last night' when I hadn't HAD anything. (And I hadn't had anything for a week!) He seemed to think it was funny when he made out I was a massive alcoholic.

Clearly thought he was funny and clever, and after the 10th time he said something - in as many weeks - I snapped and yelled at him. I said I was sick to DEATH of his stupid STUPID fucking snarky remarks and potshots about my drinking ... Especially when I don't even drink that much! 2 or 3 glasses of wine once a week most weeks. He sloped off saying 'well I tell ya what, I just won't fucking speak then!' Hmm I said 'speak as much as you like, just stop making shitty remarks about my alcohol consumption. You CLEARLY have a stick up your arse about not drinking. Don't take it out on me.'

He made out it was nothing to do with him not drinking, but it was. Why else would he say this? Hasn't said anything since I had a go at him, but I very VERY rarely drink in front of him now. I wait til he has gone to bed, OR til he is at work, when he is on a late shift.

SlatternIsMyMiddleName · 03/01/2023 19:20

My kids said this too. I just rolled my eyes and reminded them where their pocket money came from.

CantPreventSpring · 03/01/2023 19:23

Can't believe how many people are suggesting humiliating a 10-year-old by telling people they wet themselves, no matter how annoying and naughty the child is being. This isn't an argument between people of equal power! You're the grown up ffs.

I concur with the poster who said they understand why so many parents have bad relationships with their teens. You see a lot of eye-rolling about "gentle parenting" and I do agree sometimes it can be used as an excuse for not holding appropriate boundaries, but the teenage years are where you really see the fear and shame-based approach fall apart. Unless you've managed to crush their spirit so much they're just anxious and neurotic for life, but never rebel.

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 03/01/2023 19:27

I remember saying things like this about my aunts. They'd joke together about being lushes. And I (incorrectly) assumed I was one of them and could make the same joke. But being a child I obviously didn't understand the subtleties of joking about alcohol and probably made them out to be alcoholics. I wouldn't go mad on her- do you think she knows what she's doing? If you substituted chocolate for alcohol in her jokes would you be as cross? Does she understand the significance between an alcoholic and a chocoholic?

TimeToFlyNow · 03/01/2023 19:27

Send her to her room every time. Tell her she can come out when she stops telling lies

Arseulaundress · 03/01/2023 19:30

illiterato · 03/01/2023 16:36

Say “yup, one glass every time you wet the bed”.

That's absolutely what I would do. Treat her as if she were a heckler in your stand-up routine.

RealBecca · 03/01/2023 19:30

DH needs to step up. I wouldn't be having her alone until he nipped it in the bud. I'd also find I couldn't take her anywhere because drinkers dont drive or supervise children and their friends.

CantPreventSpring · 03/01/2023 19:36

"If you substituted chocolate for alcohol in her jokes would you be as cross? Does she understand the significance between an alcoholic and a chocoholic?"

Really good questions from @Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov. I think a lot of people are reacting as if this is an adult, with an adult's full understanding, making this joke.

Twiglets1 · 03/01/2023 19:37

She sounds like a PITA.
I would be getting her Dad to tell her it’s not funny and it annoys you.

lmnabc · 03/01/2023 19:40

Your partner/husband needs to show a united front with you and put a stop to it. End of. He sounds like a wimp.

Bertha21 · 03/01/2023 19:41

You have 2 options. Ignore and she will get bored, hopefully. Or put in a consequence. First of all your dh needs to properly tell her it’s not acceptable. Pointing out does she like to be lied about. The safeguarding consequences etc. Tell her you will both start to remove items each time she does it. Your dh needs to have your back.

Poppasocks · 03/01/2023 19:50

Record her next time and pull the video out on her 18th!

Tamarindtree · 03/01/2023 20:13

I wouldn’t find it funny either.

My cousin had a long term partner who one day started to joke about her being a chocoholic and encouraged her children to effectively join in.

She wasn’t/isn’t overweight and doesn’t consume any more chocolate than anyone else but he delighted in telling everyone that she was addicted to it and always eating it!

It was quite perverse and at any family gathering he would make a big show about my cousin ‘obviously she’s going to order a chocolate dessert, she can’t get enough of it!’ Etc

He would interrupt conversations to drop in a chocolate themed comment.

It might sound trivial and petty but it was hugely embarrassing for her and he would not stop even when asked by her and other family members.

He would do this pathetic jazz hands thing and say he was only joking.

He did it everywhere and spoke to strangers in shops and restaurants about her being a chocoholic in front of her.

He was an absolute prat and the whole family was relieved when she finally dumped him.

Obviously your situation concerns a child’s behaviour and your partner needs to tell her that it’s not a joke, it’s not funny and needs to stop immediately.

Ginburee · 03/01/2023 20:15

I am sorry but your DH needs to be interviening as I would be really upset by this.
It has gone beyond joking and is bullying behaviour now, it is totally unacceptable.

OliveWah · 03/01/2023 20:16

I wouldn't want to humiliate a child in front of others, but perhaps @Whatthough could have a conversation with DSD (with DH there too) and let her know how it feels when she tells people this lie about you. Perhaps then you could say "How would you feel if I were to tell people you wet the bed all the time, even though you don't? Would you think that was funny, or would you feel upset and embarrassed and want me to stop? I wouldn't do that to you, because it's unkind and untrue, but can you see how the lies you're telling are hurting me? I need you to stop please."

If she carried on after that, I would probably just say "Don't be a dick", each time she repeated it. It's dickish behaviour, and she knows it. If DH doesn't like DSD being called a dick, then he needs to deal with her behaviour. How would he like it if she started telling lies about him?

2bazookas · 03/01/2023 20:16

Say " Is that your idea of a big joke? Okay. How they'll all laugh when I tell them you wet the bed every night."

Trymein · 03/01/2023 20:17

Have you not seen all the pictures of children drawing ‘mummy drinking gin’. Yes it’s not funny to us, but it gets a laugh from some and that’s what they pick up on. She’s a 10yr old girl for goodness sake, don’t shame her with things like wetting the bed - what sort of adult would do that do a child, it’s bullying! Just ignore, nobody is going to think you’re a lush, in fact the more you deny the more people will think you have something to hide.