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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not find this funny?

227 replies

Whatthough · 03/01/2023 16:31

My husband has a daughter who is 10.

Recently she has started telling literally everyone who comes to our house that I drink all the time (variations of that sort of thing).

The thing is I genuinely hand on heart do not. No more than any other person maybe a glass of wine on the weekend or something but I really do not drink much at all.

I don't know why it's started but she seems to think it's hilarious. I've told her not to say it a few times now but honestly it's starting to piss me off now. She said it to my mum earlier again.

AIBU to get mad if it's said again seen as asking nicely doesn't get me anywhere? DH just thinks it's a joke. Not a funny one. And as awful as it sounds it's just starting to make me dislike her.

OP posts:
RewildingAmbridge · 03/01/2023 17:28

I'd have a very serious talk with her, explain the potential ramifications of her continuing with this make it into a conversation about damaging someone's reputation and bullying and that you feel upset that she has been treating you this way, that you thought you had a nice relationship and cared about each other, so you hope all the sensible kind girl you know she is, from now on she won't want to continue to cause you genuine upset. If she tries to laugh it off, just bring it back, I'm trying to tell you Jane how this is affecting me, and how this kind of behaviour affects people generally. I want us to have a grown up conversation etc.

BellePeppa · 03/01/2023 17:28

Anisina · 03/01/2023 17:26

She's 10. WTF at people suggesting you tell people she wets the bed. How fucking pathetic.

That isn’t what is said. The OP says it directly to the girl every time she’s being a jerk, not announcing it on a loudspeaker on a street corner.

springerspanielpuppy · 03/01/2023 17:29

Your DH has to deal with it, she needs to learn respect the jokes gone to far and he has to reign her in. Why is he not doing this?

BradfordGirl · 03/01/2023 17:29

Interesting that so many people advise humiliating a 10 year old girl and not her adult DH. There are no suggestions that she jokes about his bed wetting.

Iam4eels · 03/01/2023 17:29

Fraine · 03/01/2023 17:22

What an exaggeration. Consequences are a part of life and she will know the wetting comment is a response to the alcoholism accusations,

Show quote history

It's not an exaggeration. Some of the hallmarks of emotional abuse of a child are the deliberate humiliation of that child in front of others, making the child the butt of jokes, using sarcasm to purposely upset a child, shaming a child for behaviour typical to their age/development stage, sharing private information (real or fabricated) with the aim of embarrassing the child.

Telling people the child is a bedwetter/wets herself in order to shame her into behaving would definitely raise way more safeguarding eyebrows than a parent enjoying a drink.

Anisina · 03/01/2023 17:29

BellePeppa · 03/01/2023 17:27

It’s also a shifty thing that this kid is doing. I wet the bed till I was about six or even seven (or may be even older). Enough of pussy footing around children’s brattish behaviour!

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The child is 10. An adult humiliating a child to get their own back is a shitty parent.

Fraine · 03/01/2023 17:29

Rustyhandlebars · 03/01/2023 17:23

Say,
But at least I don't pick my nose!

Another very good suggestion.

BradfordGirl · 03/01/2023 17:30

From some peoples suggestions on here, I can see why so many have difficult relationships with their teenagers.

Fraine · 03/01/2023 17:30

Anisina · 03/01/2023 17:29

The child is 10. An adult humiliating a child to get their own back is a shitty parent.

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That’s the point isn’t? OP’s DH is a shitty parent who refuses to parent his child, so OP needs to defend herself if he won’t step up.

Fraine · 03/01/2023 17:31

BradfordGirl · 03/01/2023 17:30

From some peoples suggestions on here, I can see why so many have difficult relationships with their teenagers.

Yes, kids who are allowed to say whatever they want and have no boundaries will grow into sulky teens.

Eeiliethya · 03/01/2023 17:33

It's a really strange thing for a 10'year old to pass comment on and find it funny. Is it possible she's overheard someone say this, noticed a reaction and repeated for effect?

Her dad needs to speak to her and explain that it's hurting your feelings and not true.

BellePeppa · 03/01/2023 17:33

BradfordGirl · 03/01/2023 17:30

From some peoples suggestions on here, I can see why so many have difficult relationships with their teenagers.

I have a great relationship with my young adult children. Always have had, never had the tantrums or door slamming or ‘I hate you’s etc but I’d have been putting them firmly in their place if they kept this nonsense up! I do think the dh needs to step up though.

Rustyhandlebars · 03/01/2023 17:35

Does your SD dislike or resent you for some reason? Or is this just childish humour?

Anisina · 03/01/2023 17:36

BellePeppa · 03/01/2023 17:33

I have a great relationship with my young adult children. Always have had, never had the tantrums or door slamming or ‘I hate you’s etc but I’d have been putting them firmly in their place if they kept this nonsense up! I do think the dh needs to step up though.

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I'm sure the threat of being humiliated made them the well adjusted adults they are today.

anotherdayanotheralias · 03/01/2023 17:37

You could try ignoring her but I think she already knows she's got to you. Shame one of the people she's saying this to don't contradict her or point out it's nasty - does everyone just laugh? She may tire of this and start another 'joke' but if she learns to do this to others it's behaviour that's going to get her into trouble eventually.

Fraine · 03/01/2023 17:39

Anisina · 03/01/2023 17:36

I'm sure the threat of being humiliated made them the well adjusted adults they are today.

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Teaching kids that it’s ok to humiliate your step-mum is not the way to make them well adjusted adults.

I bet if dsd was saying this to her bio mum or dad people would be singing a different tune.

Iam4eels · 03/01/2023 17:40

Fraine · 03/01/2023 17:39

Teaching kids that it’s ok to humiliate your step-mum is not the way to make them well adjusted adults.

I bet if dsd was saying this to her bio mum or dad people would be singing a different tune.

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Nope, I'd still be saying that using humiliation and shame as a parenting technique is evidence that you're a shit parent.

Irridescantshimmmer · 03/01/2023 17:41

The 10 year old is maybe doing this with malicious intent to ruin your reputation.

There has to be consequences or she will push more boundaries.

What those consequences are is best for you and your partner to decide but it has to be enough for the message to hit home to her so she does not ever try to cause trouble again because when she's a teen, all hell could break loose and then you've got Dantes'inferno on bonfire night on your hands.

saturnisturning · 03/01/2023 17:43

BritAbroad101 · 03/01/2023 16:33

If you’ve reacted like it winds you up then obviously she’ll say it more! That’s how jokes work.

Nah my 8 year old knows if a joke is hurtful then it isn’t a joke.

Original poster
Whatthough · 03/01/2023 17:46

So he either nips it in the bud or he could potentially have a big problem and lose contact over a 'joke'

I'm more arsed about my own child. I have a 3 year old, last thing I need is her telling people I'm always drinking.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 03/01/2023 17:46

ChimpMcGarvey · 03/01/2023 17:23

She’s been asked to stop and she hasn’t stopped.

The wet the bed comment is a brilliant way of showing her that lies aren’t funny, and jokes are only hilarious when the other person is laughing too. I would give that reply every time.

Otherwise she’ll grow up to be one of those twats that is nasty but calls it “banter”.

And then when she has a sleepover and one of her friends wets the bed she'll think it's ok to laugh at them.
Lovely.

Kanaloa · 03/01/2023 17:46

Fraine · 03/01/2023 17:39

Teaching kids that it’s ok to humiliate your step-mum is not the way to make them well adjusted adults.

I bet if dsd was saying this to her bio mum or dad people would be singing a different tune.

Show quote history

Joining in by doing it back is hardly teaching a great lesson. There are ways to deal with bad behaviour that don’t involve participating in it.

MoscowMules · 03/01/2023 17:47

DS when through a phase like this he was about 6. Mummy is always drinking gin, mummy like to drink all the time.

I didn't, I don't. More concerning is I'm a loan parent, so always the responsible parent and the consequences could have been awful had someone reported it!

And also anyway a Moscow Mule is my favourite, not gin!!! 🤣

But I digress...

One day I just snapped and I did raise my voice and I said something along the lines infront of guests and other people.

"DS I have told you time and time again to stop lying about me! I am fed up of it, go to your room NOW"

He never said the joke again 😳

Probably wasn't my finest parenting moment, probably did humiliate him, but I'd had enough.

MichelleScarn · 03/01/2023 17:48

Irridescantshimmmer · 03/01/2023 17:41

The 10 year old is maybe doing this with malicious intent to ruin your reputation.

There has to be consequences or she will push more boundaries.

What those consequences are is best for you and your partner to decide but it has to be enough for the message to hit home to her so she does not ever try to cause trouble again because when she's a teen, all hell could break loose and then you've got Dantes'inferno on bonfire night on your hands.

And when the step daughter gets asked 'every day? Even when she's driving the car? Oh yes!' The repercussions this could have!
What a horrible child.

Iam4eels · 03/01/2023 17:49

MoscowMules · 03/01/2023 17:47

DS when through a phase like this he was about 6. Mummy is always drinking gin, mummy like to drink all the time.

I didn't, I don't. More concerning is I'm a loan parent, so always the responsible parent and the consequences could have been awful had someone reported it!

And also anyway a Moscow Mule is my favourite, not gin!!! 🤣

But I digress...

One day I just snapped and I did raise my voice and I said something along the lines infront of guests and other people.

"DS I have told you time and time again to stop lying about me! I am fed up of it, go to your room NOW"

He never said the joke again 😳

Probably wasn't my finest parenting moment, probably did humiliate him, but I'd had enough.

That's not humiliation. That's setting a sensible boundary and enforcing it, he'd been warned about not doing it.

"DS, I only drink because you wet the bed" - that would be humiliation.