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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL upset about no sleepovers after decorating a room for DD

818 replies

MollyPocket · 03/01/2023 12:05

We went to PIL for lunch on New Year’s Day and MIL announced that she wanted to show us something upstairs. So we followed her and she proceeded to do a grand reveal of our DD’s new bedroom, all bedecked with pink princesses and unicorns (not my taste but clearly a lot of effort gone in). She proceeded to request we make a start with her first sleepover next week.

DD is just turning 4 months and getting her to bed is challenging at the moment (often resorting to co sleeping) so I was a bit shocked and felt she’d jumped the gun a bit. We haven’t even discussed sleepovers yet.

I basically told MIL that while the room looked great, it was much too soon to be having sleepovers. Honestly I don’t think I’ll be keen on the idea for ages yet.

MIL didn’t say much but was clearly a bit put out. Later on she texted me to say she was upset as she had put in a lot of effort and was so looking forward to regular sleepovers. She asked when we could start. I said that as DD is breastfed and often co sleeps it won’t be for quite some time.

Yesterday I though about it and felt bad for MIL and started to think maybe in a couple of months if DD will take a bottle and isn’t co sleeping so often we could try it and see how it goes.

But then I caught sight of a text popping up on DH’s phone, so picked it up and read their conversation (yes I know I shouldn’t). MIL actually said to DH that ‘he mustn’t let me carry on breastfeeding longer than necessary in order to keep DD from doing overnights at their house’! In a previous text she’d told him she had hoped to be doing overnights 1-2 times a week (erm, nope).

DH had been trying to temper to situation and told her we’d let her know when we’re ready, but the way I feel now I’m not sure I ever will be!

DH and I are homebodies so while the time might come that we want a babysitter for the odd night out, it hasn’t even occurred to us yet. If she doesn’t calm down I’ll be asking my own parents to do it.

However I have never limited their daytime visits - although I am always there as I don’t want people taking her without me yet.

Am I being unreasonable or is she just nuts?

OP posts:
Chevybaby · 04/01/2023 19:36

YANBU. MIL sounds like an absolute nutter.

Soothsayer1 · 04/01/2023 19:39

She is the child's grandmother and it's her son's child, therefore has a right to build a relationship and your child also has that right. A bit of communication and empathy would go a long way in this situation, ideally from both sides
Grandparents have no rights over grandchildren.

BajaBaja · 04/01/2023 19:41

Co-sleeping is the best thing for babies under 1yr old, it coregulates their nervous system and reduces cot death.
This is scientific evidence and quite well known fact nowadays by paediatric doctors etc.
Also the WHO recommends breastfeeding until age two. :)

MissConductUS · 04/01/2023 19:42

Soothsayer1 · 04/01/2023 19:39

She is the child's grandmother and it's her son's child, therefore has a right to build a relationship and your child also has that right. A bit of communication and empathy would go a long way in this situation, ideally from both sides
Grandparents have no rights over grandchildren.

Correct. The only exception US courts have made for this is when the grandparent has an ongoing, long standing relationship with the child, which would be detrimental to the child if terminated. It's all about the best interests of the child.

Out of the gate with a new baby, the grandparents are entitled to nothing.

NarkyNarwhal · 04/01/2023 19:42

Your MiL sounds like a controlling monster. You’re not being unreasonable. I can’t believe she wants you to stop breastfeeding just so she can get her claws in your daughter. Urgh!!!

T1Dmama · 04/01/2023 19:44

Notmytiep · 04/01/2023 11:29

OP, please don't engage in any conversation with your MIL regarding how long you'll be breastfeeding for. I say this because even yourself may not know how long for. I said would stop at 6 months but went on for about a year because my DS refused formula of any kind so I had no choice. It's a very uncertain decision.

THIS ^^
but also don’t use the co-sleeping or breast feeding as a reason…
Make it VERY clear that you’ll breast feed as long as it suits you and baby and not for any other reason… AND also that even after you’ve finished breast feeding if you’re not ready to be apart from YOUR baby then no amount of bullying will make you change your mind!
my MIL was also vindictive like this but tbf she was also hideous to me so Atleast she wasn’t 2 faced 🤣

ScotsBluebell · 04/01/2023 19:46

This sounds crazy to me and I wouldn't have gone along with it even though I had the best MIL in the world - but she would never have asked. Son was 3 - 4 before he was comfortable with sleepovers, although he would spend afternoons with my mum and dad, and with my MIL, gradually extending to whole days. He was close to all of them and much loved, but I certainly wouldn't have stopped breastfeeding until we were ready.

tigerlilly22 · 04/01/2023 19:48

I'd never have left mine overnight at that age. Far too small. My daughter has asked me to have my little grandson overnight while her and her boyfriend go to a gig. I have agreed to have him but I have said I will stay at her home with him where all his things and all the things that make him feel safe are. I agree with you.

T1Dmama · 04/01/2023 19:51

Soothsayer1 · 04/01/2023 19:39

She is the child's grandmother and it's her son's child, therefore has a right to build a relationship and your child also has that right. A bit of communication and empathy would go a long way in this situation, ideally from both sides
Grandparents have no rights over grandchildren.

while She’s the grandmother that does not give her the right to bully a relatively new mother not stopping breast feeding or allowing her sleepovers! It’s totally out of order… the OP has stated there is a lot of contact during the day… there is absolutely no need EVER for a sleepover…
The text to her son was totally disrespectful too, not only is she disrespecting her DIL opinions but she’s putting her son in the middle of herself and his wife!… totally out of order… and she’s heading in the direction of her son falling out with her.

MissBelle83 · 04/01/2023 19:53

Sherbetdib · 04/01/2023 19:09

The suggestion that MIL thinks OP should stop breastfeeding pretty much now is implicit in the text. And given the timing of being told 'no' to the overnight stay. Her text is inappropriate. And designed to influence her son to influence his wife to stop breastfeeding sooner rather than later all so she can have baby overnight. It isn't nice.

OP is not talking about cutting Granny out. She just doesn't want Granny having baby overnight. Which is her call. And not for Granny to grumble about.
Gran is either a bit loopy, or manipulative. Neither are good. They really aren't. So a clear no was the right answer.

Show quote history

OP has said that they would look at reducing contact from MIL. I'm shocked at how many MNers have suggested cutting her out.

It also wasn't implicit in the text, it's just how you've interpreted it. She hasn't told her to stop breastfeeding.

I'm genuinely shocked at the tone of the posts on this thread. Did anyone stop to consider that MIL might have actually thought she was doing something nice...but instead it's 'how very dare she suggest looking after her grandchild, she must be insane!!!' . The timing of sleepovers are a matter of personal opinion and circumstance, OP and DH are in control of this, there's no need for dramatics.

I love an evil MIL thread as much as the next MNer but the reaction has been totally over the top.

Ultimately, none of us know the full story and I hope they can resolve it amicably.

Badunkadunk · 04/01/2023 19:55

Got to get your baby into an independent sleeping routine and 100% on bottle first. Baby comes first, not sleepover demands. It’s lovely that she made the effort, please underline that; MIL just being a tad defensive. But we always stayed over with our wee ones until they were ready for sleepovers without us. My mother always stayed at ours if we needed a babysitter (after 2 months if I recall correctly - breastfeeding didn’t work out for us and we never encouraged co-sleeping).

Elisi · 04/01/2023 20:04

4 months old? Don't think so.......

Kizzy192 · 04/01/2023 20:08

She's nuts. And that's coming from someone who left son at two months old for their first sleepover (and has done every other week since). If my mum had behaved like that, she wouldn't be doing sleepovers at all. And she can do one with the bf comment. I hope your dh has been supportive of you.

Sheerdetermination · 04/01/2023 20:10

I’d leave your MIL to fret about this and put it right out of your mind. Trust your maternal instincts and do your best for your daughter. My dc is over 2 and he won’t be going on sleepovers for many years yet. I thought I’d bf to 6 months. We’re still going now. And co-sleeping. You simply do what’s best for your child and yourself and put everyone else out of mind.

MissBelle83 · 04/01/2023 20:15

MrsRandom123 · 04/01/2023 20:11

Well, that's going to be an awkward conversation 😬

Wishawisha · 04/01/2023 20:19

Badunkadunk · 04/01/2023 19:55

Got to get your baby into an independent sleeping routine and 100% on bottle first. Baby comes first, not sleepover demands. It’s lovely that she made the effort, please underline that; MIL just being a tad defensive. But we always stayed over with our wee ones until they were ready for sleepovers without us. My mother always stayed at ours if we needed a babysitter (after 2 months if I recall correctly - breastfeeding didn’t work out for us and we never encouraged co-sleeping).

Why should the OP get a baby onto a bottle (100%?) and stop breastfeeding though? - the OP has not mentioned wanting to stop breastfeeding at all.

Stravaig · 04/01/2023 20:19

Luckily OP presented things in a very measured way. Silver lining, if MIL does find the thread, she'll read a lot of very blunt responses, and might start being more respectful of her DIL!

Calphurnia88 · 04/01/2023 20:21

MissBelle83 · 04/01/2023 19:53

OP has said that they would look at reducing contact from MIL. I'm shocked at how many MNers have suggested cutting her out.

It also wasn't implicit in the text, it's just how you've interpreted it. She hasn't told her to stop breastfeeding.

I'm genuinely shocked at the tone of the posts on this thread. Did anyone stop to consider that MIL might have actually thought she was doing something nice...but instead it's 'how very dare she suggest looking after her grandchild, she must be insane!!!' . The timing of sleepovers are a matter of personal opinion and circumstance, OP and DH are in control of this, there's no need for dramatics.

I love an evil MIL thread as much as the next MNer but the reaction has been totally over the top.

Ultimately, none of us know the full story and I hope they can resolve it amicably.

Show quote history

There have been over 4,000 votes on this and only 3% think OP is being unreasonable. If you are in the 3% you are a clearly in the minority.

I don't know if you have breastfed, or are familiar with breastfeeding, but to pressure someone to stop breastfeeding early (which is what MIL is doing by saying DH should prevent OP from not breastfeeding longer than 'necessary') in order to satisfy your own needs is morally wrong, as it's in neither the best interests of mother or baby. Also define 'necessary'? Because the WHO recommends a minimum of 2 years, which I suspect is considerably longer than MIL is expecting.

To suggest that someone's choice to breastfeed is manipulative (as you did in your previous reply) is incredibly ignorant.

Coffeepot72 · 04/01/2023 20:25

She is the child's grandmother and it's her son's child, therefore has a right to build a relationship

I don’t think the grandparents have any rights?

Can you imagine a divorced couple, shared custody arrangements, then Grandma pitches in with her rights to a few nights per week too? What a mess that would be.

Isthisexpected · 04/01/2023 20:27

There have been over 4,000 votes on this and only 3% think OP is being unreasonable. If you are in the 3% you are a clearly in the minority.

^ and have rather warped ideas about what's best for babies!

QuinnLovesEris · 04/01/2023 20:28

I breastfed mine til at least one, and I'd not have been comfortable with them staying overnight anywhere without me til they were over two. I'd assert your boundaries once and once only. Any pushing from ANYONE to stop you breastfeeding or trying to get you to let them have her overnight before you're ready, I'd tell them to FOTTFSOF and then some.

Cactusmad · 04/01/2023 20:35

Mum n baby are a dyad until 9 months old . So what ever affects mum affects baby and vice versa. She had her go at parenting and it’s moved on massively. Her approach shows that. My question is why does she need the baby to herself overnight. A few hours in a babies company will build a relationship. Overnight won’t. A gentle approach as a grandparent is best , we don’t know everything.

Dotcomma · 04/01/2023 20:38

You need to nip this in the bud before it escalates into a runaway train that you have no control over. If you want any help from anyone then it's down to you and your husband to make decisions together about your child and ask whoever you want help from. Please don't allow MIL to interfere with anything otherwise she's smack bang in the middle of your marriage - that's your little baby's place not hers.

I speak from experience here - my MIL started to interfere in our relationship by persuading my husband that her wishes with regard to our newborn daughter were his to execute - and instead of saying no or i'll discuss it with wife & let you know, he came home to me and said 'my mum wants blah blah' and that's where the trouble started. They'd hatch plans and I was expected to go along with them - no way. So I stuck up for myself and DD (now 17) and said no to anything he came home with from MIL that didn't suit me or that hadn't come from his own sense of being a father. I left him when DD was 4, domestic abuse at it's worst. 11 years later he hasn't changed, now MIL lives with him, we are still married, he won't divirce cos of his precious pension.

pollymere · 04/01/2023 20:41

BF for as long as YOU want, including night feeds. I managed for 19 months (just night feeds by the end). I would also recommend leaving sleepovers until after potty training too after mine had pooing accidents when left with MIL. Wouldn't even consider it before aged three or four. maybe use it for naps at your MIL's? Don't let anyone emotionally abuse you to the contrary.

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