MIL upset about no sleepovers after decorating a room for DD

[MollyPocket]

We went to PIL for lunch on New Year’s Day and MIL announced that she wanted to show us something upstairs. So we followed her and she proceeded to do a grand reveal of our DD’s new bedroom, all bedecked with pink princesses and unicorns (not my taste but clearly a lot of effort gone in). She proceeded to request we make a start with her first sleepover next week.

DD is just turning 4 months and getting her to bed is challenging at the moment (often resorting to co sleeping) so I was a bit shocked and felt she’d jumped the gun a bit. We haven’t even discussed sleepovers yet.

I basically told MIL that while the room looked great, it was much too soon to be having sleepovers. Honestly I don’t think I’ll be keen on the idea for ages yet.

MIL didn’t say much but was clearly a bit put out. Later on she texted me to say she was upset as she had put in a lot of effort and was so looking forward to regular sleepovers. She asked when we could start. I said that as DD is breastfed and often co sleeps it won’t be for quite some time.

Yesterday I though about it and felt bad for MIL and started to think maybe in a couple of months if DD will take a bottle and isn’t co sleeping so often we could try it and see how it goes.

But then I caught sight of a text popping up on DH’s phone, so picked it up and read their conversation (yes I know I shouldn’t). MIL actually said to DH that ‘he mustn’t let me carry on breastfeeding longer than necessary in order to keep DD from doing overnights at their house’! In a previous text she’d told him she had hoped to be doing overnights 1-2 times a week (erm, nope).

DH had been trying to temper to situation and told her we’d let her know when we’re ready, but the way I feel now I’m not sure I ever will be!

DH and I are homebodies so while the time might come that we want a babysitter for the odd night out, it hasn’t even occurred to us yet. If she doesn’t calm down I’ll be asking my own parents to do it.

However I have never limited their daytime visits - although I am always there as I don’t want people taking her without me yet.

Am I being unreasonable or is she just nuts?

Sounds like your MIL thinks she for some reason has a right to your baby?! Her effort is amazing, but she should have asked instead of assumed. She has no right to get upset, especially since your child is only 4 months old. Regardless of being breastfed/co-sleeping etc. I'm sorry, I think your MIL is being completely out of order. Especially since they have unlimited day time visits.

Is nobody going to raise the point of the ghastly decor? Why do people think girls have to be surrounded by bloody pink and unicorns??

i would say it's connected - mine has very strict rules around gender stereotype rules, just as she has for her own rules and needs. She thinks things are just so and other people are a bit sense not to see how it should be.

*dense

I’m assuming she’s not going to breastfeed till the child is 18 yo and leaving home? You’ve misinterpreted my comment.

I’m assuming the OP isn’t planning on breastfeeding the child until she is 18 yo and leaving home. You’ve misinterpreted my comment; I was simply suggesting the child couldn't have sleepovers until those milestones were achieved. I voted YANBU; those suggesting low/no contact are bonkers, however.

No but plenty of babies don’t need bottles if they are breastfed for at least a year. No need to make ridiculous comments about feeding until 18.

The comment about getting her 100% on a bottle definitely indicates stopping breastfeeding completely and switching to formula and bottles whilst the baby is still a baby (because otherwise formula / bottles don’t apply) ie quite soon.
The OP may very well have no intention so far of stopping the baby breastfeeding within the first year so I just think it’s an odd thing to recommend, that’s all.

Badunkadunk so you think that posters suggesting low contact are more bonkers than the MIL who has fully decorated a bedroom in her home and is demanding a 4 month old breastfed baby stays at her house?

I didn’t suggest getting her on the bottle within a year; stop inferring things that I didn’t write. Show me where I said within a year. The child will either switch to bottle or cup at some point in it’s infant life.

Yes, because indulging in passive-aggressive behaviours of low/no contact is not how well-functioning adults behave. Thrash it out and create some boundaries, for crying out loud.

Fucking hell, she's a piece of work. Your baby, your choices. Tell her to sling her hook!

No, this is wrong. The WHO breastfeeding recommendations are for all babies everywhere and they make this quite clear. It's got nothing to do with water quality.

Badunkdunk Going low contact with people who are clearly strange has to be more protective of the op’s mental health as a new mother than having to thrash things out with someone who I bet has been crossing people’s boundaries all her life for crying out loud! I would suggest the only non well functioning adult here is the MIL. Classic victim blaming by you.

Absolutely. It has nothing to do with access to clean water and everything to do with when our immune systems mature.

The amount of misinformation about BF is worrying 🤦🏻‍♀️

🚩 🚩 This screams a lot of red flags to me. To decorate a room for a 4 month old to stay over, without discussing with you first, is at best extremely presumptuous and at worst a manipulation to guilt and you into doing what she wants. The message to your Husband about breastfeeding shows a mentality that I would find very concerning. Set firm boundaries now. This is your baby, don’t feel pressured into doing anything you aren’t 100% comfortable with.

Sounds like they are and MIL is still trying to push when frankly it is none of her business how OP feeds nor should she be telling her son to influence his wife so she can get sleepovers. A decent grandparent would have asked the parents directly their feelings on it and accepted whatever answer or simply say they were available once parents were comfortable before deciding to decorate a room to begin with. She sees the baby every week if I read correctly so she doesn’t need sleepovers and if she continues to push, yes they should limit contact because it shows that she cares about her wants and desires and is willing to go over OP to get her way when possible. Who is to say OP pumps breast milk for these sleepovers and MIL decides the baby needs formula instead because the breast milk isn’t enough in her eyes?

Jesus! My eldest has had one overnight in his entire life and that was when he was 3 and a half (years not months!). No way would I be pressurised into anything. 4 months old is tiny.

I could have written this post when my daughter was a baby. I have a wonderful relationship with my MIL and
my kids have Stayed over several times as much older kids, but I couldn’t let them as babies. I breastfed well into toddler hood. However, we did go round often i r the day time so that my kids could spend lots of time in the room, and she would look after them there for a bit. We even had a sleepover ourselves so she could stay over, but I stayed in bed room with her.

I got angry for you just reading this! She sounds awful, you don’t owe her anything! Grandparents are supposed to be there for any (wanted) support, not to make demands!

I can understand her enthusiasm but she is way OTT and has lost sight of reality.

So you continue to thrash it out, stand your ground and set boundaries. This isn’t difficult or rocket science. It takes a village to raise a child and no good ever comes out of driving a wedge between a son and his mother, or grandchildren and grandparents. Someone has to be the bigger, better person and de-escalate the situation. And yes, usually that has to be muggins (i.e. us) but so what? I cannot fathom what the motivation would be for such appalling advice to cut people off unless such advice-givers a) legitimately think this is the right course of action because they have never effectively managed conflict in their lives, or b) love the opportunity to escalate the drama and cause a bit of marital strife. Yours, The DIL of a Once Very Manipulative and Controlling, but now Very Happy and Constructive, MIL.

There is no discussion necessary. Stand your ground and INFORM her that you will be breastfeeding and cosleeping for as long as you see fit and while her offer is very much appreciated (if it is) your baby is too young and you will let her know when you feel baby is ready for a sleepover. Avoid language such as "I feel" or "I think". Leave no room for arguments!

Ha ha, she is completely nuts. Stick to your guns OP. 4 months is way too young for sleepovers. She had her babies, had her time to enjoy them.

Very good advice from Laylababe5. You are the parent, you lay the ground rules.

I agree with you baddunkadunk. The MIL has well overstepped, is being manipulative, and the OP and her husband are behaving in an adult fashion to deal with it! Low contact may be necessary further down the line if MiL does not also respond an adult fashion to their discussion with her. Glad that you sorted things with your own MiL, just shows what is possible!!

It takes a village to raise a child and no good ever comes out of driving a wedge between a son and his mother, or grandchildren and grandparents.

No good comes out of driving a wedge between husband and wife either. I agree all about boundaries and said considering LC IF MIL continues with this behaviour.

Being the bigger person also means knowing when to put your foot down and not entertain such behaviours.