MIL upset about no sleepovers after decorating a room for DD

[MollyPocket]

We went to PIL for lunch on New Year’s Day and MIL announced that she wanted to show us something upstairs. So we followed her and she proceeded to do a grand reveal of our DD’s new bedroom, all bedecked with pink princesses and unicorns (not my taste but clearly a lot of effort gone in). She proceeded to request we make a start with her first sleepover next week.

DD is just turning 4 months and getting her to bed is challenging at the moment (often resorting to co sleeping) so I was a bit shocked and felt she’d jumped the gun a bit. We haven’t even discussed sleepovers yet.

I basically told MIL that while the room looked great, it was much too soon to be having sleepovers. Honestly I don’t think I’ll be keen on the idea for ages yet.

MIL didn’t say much but was clearly a bit put out. Later on she texted me to say she was upset as she had put in a lot of effort and was so looking forward to regular sleepovers. She asked when we could start. I said that as DD is breastfed and often co sleeps it won’t be for quite some time.

Yesterday I though about it and felt bad for MIL and started to think maybe in a couple of months if DD will take a bottle and isn’t co sleeping so often we could try it and see how it goes.

But then I caught sight of a text popping up on DH’s phone, so picked it up and read their conversation (yes I know I shouldn’t). MIL actually said to DH that ‘he mustn’t let me carry on breastfeeding longer than necessary in order to keep DD from doing overnights at their house’! In a previous text she’d told him she had hoped to be doing overnights 1-2 times a week (erm, nope).

DH had been trying to temper to situation and told her we’d let her know when we’re ready, but the way I feel now I’m not sure I ever will be!

DH and I are homebodies so while the time might come that we want a babysitter for the odd night out, it hasn’t even occurred to us yet. If she doesn’t calm down I’ll be asking my own parents to do it.

However I have never limited their daytime visits - although I am always there as I don’t want people taking her without me yet.

Am I being unreasonable or is she just nuts?

The takes a village saying I have always struggled with.

It takes one decent parent, you don’t need anyone else to get involved. It just creates confusion.

I agree with you. Probably said by someone who has never lived in one. The twee notion that everyone locally to whoever you are has each others back etc. There will be some communities where this is so. And some people lucky enough to have a wide range of people routinely and regularly in their lives. But for many this is just not so. Many people hardly know their neighbours.

Ahh, sounds like my own MIL.

For those who say limiting contact is crazy, it's sometimes required for the MIL's baby rabies to calm down and for the relationship to remain somewhat intact. MIL might need a cooling down period for her to see some sense, right now she seems to be absolutely fixated on the baby and can't seem to see straight. A bit of distance will show her where her place is in this new family -it's not smack in the middle of it. Politely keep her at arm's length for a bit, don't give her unlimited access. It doesn't have to be anything dramatic, simply a little bit of a cooling down to calm the situation (although I don't recommend saying that to her).
Op. From someone who had a sit down talk with my overbearing MIL, be prepared for her to go nuclear no matter how kindly you draw your boundaries, be ready to step back immediately and let her tantrum by herself, don't stay to listen to any verbal abuse. Her behavior really isn't about you so try not to take what she might say personally(I know it's super hard), but do protect your own mental health, with a new baby that's so important.

I don't recommend sit down talks because overbearing people will often see that as an opportunity to exert even more control, manipulate and argue with your decisions, so refuse to explain or discuss your decisions at all. Also these "talks" have the potential to completely ruin whatever relationship you have with your MIL, you really don't forget what she says or does, the message to your husband was already a huge red flag that she might not know when to stop. Good luck op.

Lovely that your MIL has sorted a bedroom and put effort into you DD, but should have asked. SIDS risk is halfed by 6months but is at its peak around 4months. My LO is 10months and only done a sleep over with him (whilst being with him) recently as he doesnt sleep well. He will be atleast 1-2yrs old before he has a sleep over on his own, as I'm not ready for them to shoulder the risk or comfortable he isn't with me yet. Do it when you are comfortable, also try not to cosleep until atleast 6month, as hard as it is. I was exhausted with LO around 4months but would ensure he was in his moses basket even if I was nodding off and he was awake. Safest place for them.

Erm….under no circumstances whatsoever would I be leaving any child of mine in that house!

That’s an astonishing level of coercing and controlling behaviour - and encouraging the stopping of breastfeeding so she can have sleepovers is gusting sociopathic.

So, no. Under no circumstances are you being unreasonable here. In fact, if anything, you’re being far to reasonable - this is a veritable festival of red flags!

Mammabii Low contact to me means a long term thing rather than a cooling down period as you describe. A cooling down period might well be needed yes, I agree! Re discussing yes such discussions an be used to manipulate further but equally can be used to draw very clear lines. And if those lines are ignored then a cooling down period which MAY or may not lead to LC may follow

I’m sorry, but it’s very obvious you have never breastfed, or did for a very short period of time.

My 19 month old breastfeeds to sleep. He drinks out an open cup/sippy cup during the day. He’s never had a bottle. Ever. And likely never will. Switching to a cup and breastfeeding have zero connection.

Breastfeeding isn’t even just about the milk to a young toddler. It’s also about the comfort and closeness of Mum, and the bedtime routine.

I’m sorry, but it’s very obvious you have never breastfed, or did for a very short period of time. Infancy refers to the first 12 months also.

My 19 month old breastfeeds to sleep. He drinks out an open cup/sippy cup during the day and has done since 6 months old. He’s never had a bottle. Ever. And likely never will. Switching to a cup and breastfeeding have zero connection.

Breastfeeding isn’t even just about the milk to a young toddler. It’s also about the comfort and closeness of Mum, and the bedtime routine.

It's perfectly safe to cosleep from birth as long as you follow the "Safe Sleep Seven" (rules). Please get better informed about cosleeping and don't advice in a subject your are not up to date on.

🥇 there ya go

Haven't rtft, read the updates though.

No way would my dd have stayed anywhere until I was ready. Bf or not.

Glad you and your dh are united on it.

But just wanted to add when you speak to MIL, don't apologise. You have nothing to apologise for. She jumped the gun and made assumptions. It was her choice to decorate a room for your dd.

Rather than using any form of apology, merely use the term unfortunate if needed.

Tell her it's lovely she wants dd to have a room and that she's so excited to have decorated already, it's unfortunate she's done it so early that it won't be used for sleepovers anytime soon. But you're sure it will still be lovely when you're all ready for dd to stay for some time. Whether that's a few hours in the day, or a night.

And like you've said, if she's not understanding, you remain firm. Good luck.

For me, the biggest of the many red flags MIL is flying is the fact that she went to your DH, behind your back, to criticize your parenting. She is selfishly trying to get him to make you stop breastfeeding, which is currently best for both baby and you, so she can have sleepovers, which don’t benefit DD, you or your DH at all. Mil is dehumanizing DD by ignoring her needs so she can play mommy.

I would get to the bottom of motives for alone time with your DD. What does she plan on doing with her that she can’t do on a regular visit with you and DH present?

When I had my oldest, my mom kept pushing to babysit. My oldest was a very high needs premie who exclusively breastfed and co-slept. When my DD was four months old, my DH and I gave in and set up a time with my mom so she could watch my DD for a couple of hour while we went to a movie. I pumped several bottles (it was definitely overkill, but I just wanted to make sure there was plenty of breastmilk for my DD). When we returned to my mom’s house, my DD was hysterically crying. The bottles were all sitting out on the counter. My mom had bought formula the week before and gave that to my DD because she insisted it was better than my breastmilk (she didn’t believe I made enough breastmilk and wanted me to switch to formula). She had also left my DD crying in the bouncy seat because she wanted to finish her laundry. She said she was trying to teach her to cry it out because she didn’t believe in high needs babies, only spoiled babies who needed to learn to wait. Because of being premature, my DD couldn’t cry herself to sleep. She would just keep getting more stressed and upset until she was hysterical for hours. My mom wanted to babysit so she could show me that my parenting was wrong and she knew better.

I get a similar vibe from your description of your MIL. After that one time, we didn’t allow my mom to babysit any of our kids until they were verbal enough to tell us everything that happened while we were away and were completely weaned (we did extended breastfeeding, so well after their second birthdays). We also let my mom know that the reason why was because she went against our wishes with our DD and consequently caused DD harm. My mom saw the error of her ways after she complained to some friends who were doctors and they told her how wrong she was.

I would have your DH talk to MIL and tell her that you guys won’t tolerate her criticism of your parenting decisions. He should let her know that you are willing to visit with her as a family, in the daytime, and she needs to accept that and stop pushing for more. I wouldn’t use MIL for a babysitter until she has shown she is willing to abide by your wishes and put DD above her wants.

Im sure there’s a book for new grandparents that can help with some of this. My mil read one and would often say things like what do they recommend now for…. I was able to explain exclusively bf to her and no extra water or formula and no leaving baby to cry etc. I was lucky as she was v respectful, but I think the book helped. Don’t know what the book was though!

My mil did similar to this with her spare room and also got this hideous 1980s pram from a charity shop that would never be used, I made it very clear baby wouldn't be sleeping over anyone's house before they turned 1. Luckily mil moved to a 1 bed flat quite soon after and my oh also realised she wasn't capable to look after our child alone due to mil health and mobility. Set your boundaries now and don't give in! Husband also needs to be on your side.

Good luck for your chat OP. Like @Ivymom, my concerns immediately jump to what she has in mind as soon as you're out of her house - be that adding solids too early, leaving baby to cry etc.

But there might still be some useful opportunities for you if you can keep her on moderately sane ground talking it through. If you're struggling with sleep, getting yourself a nap while at MIL house may be helpful? Even an overnight stay altogether there. It would give you the opportunity for a bit of respite at some point in the next 6 months, but also mean you could give clear instructions & see if she's able to follow them. eg

• I'm going to bed now, but as soon as DD seems tired, please bring her in to me for a feed.
• She can nap in the (ghastly pink palace) room, but should have an adult in the same room until she's 6 months.
• Please don't take her out of the house until I'm awake again.
• You can look after her if she wakes in the night so I can rest more, but please don't leave her to cry, or bring her to me to feed if she won't settle.

Doesn't have to be these - whatever your preferred boundaries are. It would give you the opportunity to rest a bit and also assess if she's capable of following your parenting requests while you can hear what's going on.

I didn't send either of mine anywhere overnight until they could talk & have it explained to them what was going to happen & tell us back what had. But I did benefit from a few nights out where I returned to GPs house late in the evening.

You don't have to offer those halfway options, but they may be useful to you if she comes halfway to her senses... good luck!

Absolutely stunned by this!
Some people are so anti bf it's mental.
Shocking behaviour. Glad her doctor friends put her straight. Often needs to be an outside the family opinion to make them see sense

I would be really annoyed that she had decorated this room behind your back. Yes it’s her house, but it’s your baby, and the equipment may not be suitable. Plus she probably won’t be aware of current safety issues, such as no blankets for sleeping and position of baby in a crib/cot. I would not trust her. This has all been for her benefit not baby’s or to help you out. And she’s having a tantrum because she hasn’t got her way.
Plus your baby is bonding with you, and that bond is really important. She doesn’t need anyone else at the moment. And that breastfeeding comment to your DH is appalling. I would call her out on that, and tell her very firmly that she needs to reel her neck in and mind her own business. That it is your baby not hers and if she ever wants sleepovers in the future she needs to earn your trust big time.

@MinnieGirl

I would be really annoyed that she had decorated this room behind your back.

But overkill. MIL doesn’t need permission from anyone to decorate a room in her own home.

*bit

I completely disagree if something is being used on my child I should have a say on if I consider it safe or not. Weather it’s a for cot or ornament or even a blanket(which isn’t safe) my mil is currently insisting that babies need baths every day from birth, which is not current skin recommended. Outdated information is dangerous on Sid and even basic skin care levels. Nope no not going to happen until age of comfortable and they understand what is currently safe.

No she doesn’t need permission to decorate a room in her own house. But it’s a nursery for a child that isn’t hers. It’s freaky like one of those channel 5 movies where a psycho steals a child! Yes that’s drama and over kill but still freaky.

Well obviously you have a say as to whether anything gets used by your child or not. But that’s not the statement. You don’t get a say in how someone decorates their home. In the same way that person doesn’t get a say in whether or not the child uses it.

That was what I was trying to get at!
Of course she can decorate her house however she wishes…
But why has she kept it so secret? I suspect she knows deep down that OP would not be happy….
And it’s the baby equipment.. different generations do not have the same ideas or safety information. And OP should be able to say what is suitable, not just have to accept it because MiL has bought it…

MiL has shown how sneaky she is and I would not trust her ever again, at least until the children were old enough to tell you everything that happened…

You're being very literal.

Of course someone can decorate their house however they like. This isn't about the decor, this is about MIL ambushing OP with an unreasonable request, and using the room as a means of applying additional pressure.

I’m glad I’m not the only one that got the creepy hand that rocks the cradle vibes!