MIL upset about no sleepovers after decorating a room for DD

[MollyPocket]

We went to PIL for lunch on New Year’s Day and MIL announced that she wanted to show us something upstairs. So we followed her and she proceeded to do a grand reveal of our DD’s new bedroom, all bedecked with pink princesses and unicorns (not my taste but clearly a lot of effort gone in). She proceeded to request we make a start with her first sleepover next week.

DD is just turning 4 months and getting her to bed is challenging at the moment (often resorting to co sleeping) so I was a bit shocked and felt she’d jumped the gun a bit. We haven’t even discussed sleepovers yet.

I basically told MIL that while the room looked great, it was much too soon to be having sleepovers. Honestly I don’t think I’ll be keen on the idea for ages yet.

MIL didn’t say much but was clearly a bit put out. Later on she texted me to say she was upset as she had put in a lot of effort and was so looking forward to regular sleepovers. She asked when we could start. I said that as DD is breastfed and often co sleeps it won’t be for quite some time.

Yesterday I though about it and felt bad for MIL and started to think maybe in a couple of months if DD will take a bottle and isn’t co sleeping so often we could try it and see how it goes.

But then I caught sight of a text popping up on DH’s phone, so picked it up and read their conversation (yes I know I shouldn’t). MIL actually said to DH that ‘he mustn’t let me carry on breastfeeding longer than necessary in order to keep DD from doing overnights at their house’! In a previous text she’d told him she had hoped to be doing overnights 1-2 times a week (erm, nope).

DH had been trying to temper to situation and told her we’d let her know when we’re ready, but the way I feel now I’m not sure I ever will be!

DH and I are homebodies so while the time might come that we want a babysitter for the odd night out, it hasn’t even occurred to us yet. If she doesn’t calm down I’ll be asking my own parents to do it.

However I have never limited their daytime visits - although I am always there as I don’t want people taking her without me yet.

Am I being unreasonable or is she just nuts?

4 months??! I thought you were going to say that dd was 4 years old!

Mil is clearly very keen to have sleepovers, but this is your baby. Stick to your guns!

No, these times are precious for you and your husband. Savour them and enjoy every moment. MIL has been thoughtful with the room but it’s on your terms not hers. Stand your ground.

She is out of order, stick to your guns, you are the mother, this woman has no boundaries, a red flag!!!

1 to 2 times a week! She's your baby that seems very excessive for any child even if she was older.
My MIL used to have my baby overnight if we went out but she was bottle fed and it certainly wasn't as often as that.

I’d be breastfeeding till DD is 10.

YANBU. She needs to fuck off. Not her child. 100% up to you if and when you decide to let your DD have a sleepover there. It's not like you asked her to do the room. 4 months is sooooo young too. My son is 3 and I've still not had him stay over anywhere without us yet. I'm now ok with the idea but only at my parents (as I'm a control freak and can badger my own parents but don't feel as comfortable with in laws).

The fact your MIL is being manipulative and controlling would put me off even more. My MIL has a tendency to overstep with my DC (3 year old and 6 month old) and that puts me off letting her get too involved. Always gives unwanted and useless advice too. Wish MILs would be more respectful to the wishes of the MOTHER.

You're being way nicer about it than I would. Also her messages with your DH are concerning. How dare she comment on the way you choose to feed baby, especially when it's just to suit her.

Grrrrrrrr!

Why are you so shocked? MIL may well think she's doing something nice but OP was clear she's not ready to do that and MIL is persisting. MIL doesn't come first here.

I have 2 adorable DCs and I have said I'm looking forward to sleepovers when they are 5! No way would I want my youngest who is 4 months- I would have o/n if needed but this is way too pushy.!

Is this her first grandchild. I think way way over excited to the point of takeover. It’s your baby not hers… going to take some handling that one. May the force be with you.

Also define 'necessary'? Because the WHO recommends a minimum of 2 years, which I suspect is considerably longer than MIL is expecting.

Agree. The evidence is in the room she made for a four month old that no one even asked her for. She chose to do this with no prompting from anyone or even asking and has gone as far as texting her own son in hopes to get her way. Low contact is definitely the way to go. The audacity..

I read it as 4 years not 4 months and still thought it was unreasonable. I would probably never let my kid stay with her after that.

I actually didn't vote but fyi I would be in the 97%...however it is possible to agree with OP whilst also considering other perspectives.

How quickly people are to jump on a bandwagon of outrage and call another woman (they've never met) crazy is remarkable.

I do think she is testing boundaries here. Tread carefully here. You don’t want to set anything in stone.

I don't think needs a bandwagon to be outraged that a grandmother would pressure the mother of their grandchild to stop breastfeeding early in order to enable them to have sleepovers. Sleepovers that are in no way beneficial to the overall health and development of the baby (vs. breastfeeding, which absolutely is).

She's nuts! 4 months is so young.

Mine's 8 months and goes every 4 weeks or so for 2 nights at MIL as we like to have couple time and they're bottle fed. But that was my decision, MIL didn't demand it!

YANBU
Your MIL is nuts 🙄

YANBU
Your daughter is way too young and most importantly still breastfeeding. Breastfeed as long as you want. May be DH can help you by talking to MIL to wait till DD is abit oder? 4 months is way too young to spend a night away. I wouldn't do it either!

I live on the other side of the world from my family and my partners are nowhere nearby either so there are days I wish that I had someone who would take my little one for a while so I could get a good night's sleep. But when I really think about it - he's 23 months and only just (as in the last 4 days) stopped breastfeeding to sleep and he still wakes up in the night and needs comforting a couple of times so if it was a reality I don't think I would be comfortable leaving him with someone else overnight even now!
Its great that your MIL wants to spend time with your little one but she is being super demanding and definitely jumped the gun going to that length of setting up a room before sleepovers were even discussed. I'm so offended on your behalf about her comments on how long you should be breastfeeding, it is absolutely nothing to do with her and your should breastfed for exactly as long as you want to! She's definitely over stepping many boundaries with this behaviour. I hope you are able to find a peaceful resolution, but I think you are totally justified in how you are feeling!

This happened to me! I also immediately started to rationalise it, what was 'fair', until she said to my face, with a 4 month old, you need to think about stopping breastfeeding, it's not fair on me. I'm still with my DH, and still see her, 15 years on, but I keep her needs at arms length. Luckily my DH understands what she's like, I think it sounds like yours does too? But I have had to keep my guard up that whole time (whilst being totally friendly), she isn't quite right, she has tried to take them on 'adventures' as if they are in an Enid Blyton book, actually quite dangerous stuff.

I was expecting your daughter to be 5 or 6 yo reading this. 4 months, bloody hell MIL calm down! Not only is it too early, she’s still so young, but it’s also very presumptuous of her.

I have four grandchildren under 6 and I adore them, but I just can’t understand this desperate desire from some grandmothers to muscle in even with young, breastfed babies.

She’s had her own, they grew up, she doesn’t get to bully you into stupid power struggles with yours. Stand your ground, and insist your partner grows up and stands up to his completely unreasonable mother.

I see this view point too, I have always had my siblings babies from just one month onwards. I have ALOT of nieces and nephews and will always give the parent a well deserved overnight break. Its always worked well for us as when they got older and parents went back to work, the children were comfortable.
I don't see anything wrong with that.
However telling mum to stop breastfeeding is not OK.

Can I ask would you allow your own parents to have the little one? It sounds as though you don't have a great relationship with MIL due to you stating "she is manipulative and Controlling"

Is nobody going to raise the point of the ghastly decor? Why do people think girls have to be surrounded by bloody pink and unicorns??
And the rest of it is mad as well.

Will grandma be sleeping in the room with baby ? It’s not usual for babies now to sleep away from their parents. Her view is old fashioned and not safe sleeping practice. I think the reality of a breastfed baby away from its mother may shock her to not ask again. Babies don’t read rule books. Not suggesting an overnight stay. Just her fantasy is different than reality.

Nah, you and/or hubby need to shut this down ASAP! YNBU