MIL upset about no sleepovers after decorating a room for DD

[MollyPocket]

We went to PIL for lunch on New Year’s Day and MIL announced that she wanted to show us something upstairs. So we followed her and she proceeded to do a grand reveal of our DD’s new bedroom, all bedecked with pink princesses and unicorns (not my taste but clearly a lot of effort gone in). She proceeded to request we make a start with her first sleepover next week.

DD is just turning 4 months and getting her to bed is challenging at the moment (often resorting to co sleeping) so I was a bit shocked and felt she’d jumped the gun a bit. We haven’t even discussed sleepovers yet.

I basically told MIL that while the room looked great, it was much too soon to be having sleepovers. Honestly I don’t think I’ll be keen on the idea for ages yet.

MIL didn’t say much but was clearly a bit put out. Later on she texted me to say she was upset as she had put in a lot of effort and was so looking forward to regular sleepovers. She asked when we could start. I said that as DD is breastfed and often co sleeps it won’t be for quite some time.

Yesterday I though about it and felt bad for MIL and started to think maybe in a couple of months if DD will take a bottle and isn’t co sleeping so often we could try it and see how it goes.

But then I caught sight of a text popping up on DH’s phone, so picked it up and read their conversation (yes I know I shouldn’t). MIL actually said to DH that ‘he mustn’t let me carry on breastfeeding longer than necessary in order to keep DD from doing overnights at their house’! In a previous text she’d told him she had hoped to be doing overnights 1-2 times a week (erm, nope).

DH had been trying to temper to situation and told her we’d let her know when we’re ready, but the way I feel now I’m not sure I ever will be!

DH and I are homebodies so while the time might come that we want a babysitter for the odd night out, it hasn’t even occurred to us yet. If she doesn’t calm down I’ll be asking my own parents to do it.

However I have never limited their daytime visits - although I am always there as I don’t want people taking her without me yet.

Am I being unreasonable or is she just nuts?

Wow. She is a bit batshit.
BF your child needs to be your priority.

your dp needs to sort this. However bear in mind that in the future you will likely gladly appreciate this so don’t turn the possibility off entirely- just not yet !

I absolutely love threads like this. I really hate conflict and am terrible at standing up for myself but my eldest is 5 and he's still never spent a night away from home in spite of some not so subtle fairly presumptuous hints. He don't want to anyway as he's a real home bird but I have no interest in the idea. They can presume away and quietly hope til they're blue in the face. It's not happening. I just wish I had the nerves of some of you so I could be a bit more direct about it. Still it helps to know I'm not being unreasonable and I do get to decide where my own children sleep. Tell her to jog on and keep your baby next to you where they belong.

Totally bat shit.

I wouldn’t be happy leaving my child alone with someone so controlling and manipulative.

It's not unfair. It's based on the adults relationship.

So women are by default usually the family secretaries and men CBA.

You're the one inserting your personal issues into this thread.

She sounds a bit controlling to be honest but can she have a word with my mum!!! My mum has never had my kids to sleep over and never had no intention. I hoped she would be a hands on grandma but her worst nightmare would be to spend any time with my kids - or any kids for that matter.!!!! She brought me and my brother up and we had a fab childhood but she has no intention of spending nights or days looking after children again!!! I asked her once and her response was they are my kids not hers!!!!

Your MIL is both selfish and thoughtless.

When I read the title, I assumed your DD was at least 4 or 5 years old, wanted a friend or two at sleepovers at GMa's house and GMa had said no - room is too beautiful for you tykes. Personally, I had no wish at all to look after my DGD overnight till she was about 3 or so.

You could send MIL info about the extensive and long-term benefits to your daughter of being breast fed.

YANBU she sounds crazy and OTT. DS1 stayed at my parents from 4 months as he was the worst sleeper ever, my mum can be full on but always said she'd be happy to have the DCs from about a year if we wanted, she was never pushy, we were desperate.

I would be fuming about the text, is your DH in agreement with you or has he just responded because its what you want?

I am not sure if be happy with unsupervised visits at all TBH. Our DCs have always stayed over with friends, family etc, we've always been pretty chilled about it but if we couldn't trust someone 100% then it would be a no.

Awh bless she sounds lovely. Albeit a little over enthused on the babysitting front.
I would tell her you feel baby is too young for sleepovers but when the time comes they will be first on the list!

YANBU, 4 months is too young for sleepovers unless of course there is an emergency or such. Our son and DIL started doing "date nights" when our grandson was around 6 months old and that was on average once a month, not 1 or 2 nights a week! By then I was used to pick him up from his daycare regularly, his dad would then pick him up from our place a few hours later. He was also with us days he had a fever or daycare was closed. That way the little one was perfectly at home here.

Have you actually read the OP, @Aubree17 ? The MIL sounds batshit.

She doesn't sound lovely. She told her son to stop OP from breastfeeding her child for her own benefit. She sounds anything but lovely.

YANBU but I would kill her with kindness as my response. Meet her and say the thought was lovely but it will be some time before your baby will be ready for a sleepover. She’s breastfed and also in your opinion, as her mother, too young. Say you hope she will enjoy many sleepovers in the future but not right now. If she takes it well, then job done and she’ll back off. If she doesn’t and gets difficult then you are within your rights to go nuclear and tell her that she’s being unreasonable and unless she learns to respect your boundaries she’s going to find having a relationship with her grandchild difficult (not a threat just the actual reality of her being difficult)

97% of nearly 3000 votes say you are not being unreasonable - that’s quite a ratio, which hopefully will strengthen your resolve in this matter, OP. Keep us updated!

Mad as a box of frogs, it’s totally for her benefit and not for your child’s (or yours). Babies aren’t even supposed to go into their own rooms at 4 months!

Your mother in law is absolutely fucking insane

do not allow her around your baby without you there. Get your partner on board asap- she needs strong boundaries, like yesterday

good luck op

Hell would freeze over before I let my child sleepover, she’s batshit. Get her a reborn doll to play with.

I BF to 26 months, suggest you do similar! DD is over 3 and hasn’t stayed anywhere without us yet, we don’t need the childcare and have no desire to leave her with anyone.

My DC both stayed over with grandparents from time to time from about 6 months old, when they could take a bottle. But this was my/our choice and done to our timescales. I'm so glad we did as now they are older they happily go at half term for a few days of free childcare and their relationships with all of their grandparents are close and independent from us as their parents, which is think is lovely for them (the DC I mean). I would suggest that despite her pushy and OTT behaviour you don't burn your bridges entirely with MIL and think about allowing them to develop a close bond from a fairly young age when you are all ready.

Oh my days, she's 4 months old!! And she'd like up to 2 nights a week?!!

Tine to let her know, firmly, that this is YOUR child and that sleepovers, if they occur, will not be weekly but on the occassional babysitting basis.

It's a massive overstep on her behalf to have done a bedroom without discussing it first. Don't let her use that as a stick to beat you with.

How awful of her to try to use the room as emotional blackmail!

Your DH needs to grow a pair.

She is nuts. Your daughter would still be to young if she was four YEARS old. At four months she is not designed to have sleepovers, she is designed to be with her mother as that is how babies are designed.

She is in absolutely no position to tell you how to care for your child or sulk when you dont do what she wants. Regular sleepovers are absolutely ridiculous to expect. At any age if its for the sole benefit of the grandparent.

I can never understand why all these mothers and MIL’s are so desperate for sleepovers, why want the responsibility plus the hassle of being woken up maybe multiple times in the night. I think they are mad

I think you should visit her soon and say what you've said to us - that she's being pushy and controlling over issues that are 100% not her choice and she's being manipulative by suggesting your parenting choices are to ruin things for her.

Tell her in no uncertain times that you do not want your child away from you every week, with anyone!

If you don't stamp it out now, you're in for a really bumpy ride, I think.

Well if you knew how she treated me your opinion may be different. She’s not my mother thank God and quite frankly she’s a horrible, controlling and rude woman. She’s lucky that she sees my child at all.

Is your mil from a culture where her own mother or MiL did most of the raising her own kids and it was assumed she'd get her own turn when grandchildren arrived?

Thats the only reason i can think of for someone to have these expectations who isn't batshit.

Thanks @SidTwaddell i couldn’t have put it better myself!

Wow, MIL is cuckoo 😂. And who are the 3% that voted YABU?!