MIL upset about no sleepovers after decorating a room for DD

[MollyPocket]

We went to PIL for lunch on New Year’s Day and MIL announced that she wanted to show us something upstairs. So we followed her and she proceeded to do a grand reveal of our DD’s new bedroom, all bedecked with pink princesses and unicorns (not my taste but clearly a lot of effort gone in). She proceeded to request we make a start with her first sleepover next week.

DD is just turning 4 months and getting her to bed is challenging at the moment (often resorting to co sleeping) so I was a bit shocked and felt she’d jumped the gun a bit. We haven’t even discussed sleepovers yet.

I basically told MIL that while the room looked great, it was much too soon to be having sleepovers. Honestly I don’t think I’ll be keen on the idea for ages yet.

MIL didn’t say much but was clearly a bit put out. Later on she texted me to say she was upset as she had put in a lot of effort and was so looking forward to regular sleepovers. She asked when we could start. I said that as DD is breastfed and often co sleeps it won’t be for quite some time.

Yesterday I though about it and felt bad for MIL and started to think maybe in a couple of months if DD will take a bottle and isn’t co sleeping so often we could try it and see how it goes.

But then I caught sight of a text popping up on DH’s phone, so picked it up and read their conversation (yes I know I shouldn’t). MIL actually said to DH that ‘he mustn’t let me carry on breastfeeding longer than necessary in order to keep DD from doing overnights at their house’! In a previous text she’d told him she had hoped to be doing overnights 1-2 times a week (erm, nope).

DH had been trying to temper to situation and told her we’d let her know when we’re ready, but the way I feel now I’m not sure I ever will be!

DH and I are homebodies so while the time might come that we want a babysitter for the odd night out, it hasn’t even occurred to us yet. If she doesn’t calm down I’ll be asking my own parents to do it.

However I have never limited their daytime visits - although I am always there as I don’t want people taking her without me yet.

Am I being unreasonable or is she just nuts?

With my mum, although she was never pushy etc I went over to stay with ds to my parents house so it was a lovely visit from both me and ds, I bf for ages and hewould.not take a bottle so it was that or nothing.

Did you even read Wish's post? It may be essential to treat one set of parents different to the other, my DCs have never been looked after by FIL as he's an alcoholic. My dad is fine to have them overnight but in no circumstances would we leave them with FIL. We're not in pre school, it doesn't all have to be fair, that's not how life works.

Are you actually joking? Did you read the text she said the OPs DH?

So she thinks you're breast-feeding to spite her oh dear. She's obviously got over excited and thinks it's her baby too.

My mil used to say bfing was selfish because no one else could get a look in... low and behold later when I did ask for help, I'd get a call after an hour or 2 because it was too much hard work.

Don't do it, until a toddler at least. Any night waking, difficulty settling will be blamed on you and breastfeeding. You may be opening yourself up to more criticism.

Any sleepovers should be to benefit you if you need the childcare, and she's available/happy to. Otherwise what's the point you ll be sat at home missing your baby, and your baby/toddler/young child will miss mummy.

Maybe arrange some day visits so baby can nap in the room when you're there if you want to.

Yep that's a horrible comment, nothing wrong with GC staying with GPs, like I said my DS1 stayed from 4 months, when they were junior school and early senior school age they stayed at least once a week at my parents house. I did the same with my paternal GPs.

I never stayed with maternal GPs as they were awful people and my mum would not have wanted me to stay with her mum, her PILs were amazing people and loved having us.

I don't think it's unfair to treat the parents differently though, I would never palm my kids off to untrustworthy/controlling people just for a night out. The OPs MIL has some questionable boundaries.

MIL is being presumptuous in the highest degree. She doesn't get to decide if baby has sleepovers or if you breastfeed. Good on you for being clear with her that it's just not happening. She sounds like someone you need to make sure knows who the parents are early.

Are you fucking joking? 🤣

This really does need to be nipped in the bud. It’s not just about sleepovers, it demonstrates a desire to control.

What on earth comes over women when their children procreate. Boundaries, people.

My Mil did this too… decorated a ‘nursery’ and bought every expensive baby item you can think of for her house - including a fully kitted out wardrobe with 0-3 clothes- for my partner only to take baby over for a couple of hours each week. I’m not sure what she was expecting from us. But she now says to him she gets depressed seeing all the things she purchased going to waste. Not once did she offer to send them over (not that we needed them) but some MILs do things out of the kindness of their heart, others do it all for show. My mother in law is the latter…

What comes over most new grandmothers is an overwhelming love that is the closest thing to how they felt when they had their own children. It comes out of nowhere and knocks them of their feet.

However it does not excuse this kind of behaviour, which only occurs in a small minority of GMs like the MIL in the OP

My eldest slept at my mums once a week from 6 weeks old but that was to help me as she was a dreadful sleeper, and I had severe PND.

There is no right or wrong age for a baby to be left overnight, the only thing that matters is that both you and your partner are comfortable with it. It does not matter what anybody else thinks or says, it needs to be purely your decision.

I think it’s unreasonable for a grandparent to ‘expect’ a child of any age to sleepover once-twice a week.

to have a child 2 days a week is over a quarter of parenting, that’s insane.

It’s not unreasonable if that ends up happening due to childcare or if families just get into a groove of it which works for everyone especially the child, but to expect it is extremely strange.

I’m flabbergasted honestly, her eagerness and pushiness is extremely off putting and quite frankly I’d be worried she wouldn’t give the child back!

In all seriousness though I think grandparents forget how much work it with a newborn.

Wind her up ... tell her you are going to breast feed until db is 4 years old.
Seriously this woman has a problem - why would you as a grandparent volunteer to look after a db before it sleeps 8 hours straight? :) (says she having babysat before dgc did this. dgf got db at 7 am whilst dgm -me- went back to bed, Oh how that reminded me of my db when they were little, ahem)

She’s nuts. Don’t allow sleepovers until DD talks.

Nope, she's very out of order
And messaging your husband to tell him he must put limits on the breastfeeding relationship between you and your baby so that SHE can have your baby? Something wrong with her thought process
If she wants a child who can stay with her one or two nights a week then she could always apply to be a respite foster carer

I don't recall ever staying overnight with elderly family, I would go in the day to great aunt's house (only person in the grandmums role).and she would stay over.at.oura.or.come on holiday with us but we wernt toys to play house with

When my dil asked me to have dgc overnight baby was 5 months old.. 1 night became 2...was a request from her though not me... That first night when I realised it meant back to sleepless nights!!
😱How lucky was I when dgc slept through!! Every time!
I would never have asked for overnights.

We bought the DCs cot secondhand from a woman who had done exactly that. She had decorated and kitted out a nursery then got upset that the DC never stayed.

The cot had had zero use.

Ridiculous! The baby is 4 m9nths old ffs.
You don't need to do any of this.

The most truly twisted thing of this already fucked situation, is that she’s trying to incite your H into interfering with you breastfeeding your child, just so she can get her mitts on her to play mummies with her son’s baby. So fucked.

Yeah, this is infuriating! So manipulative

I was expecting your DD to be 4 years, not 4 months!

Your MIL is batshit!

I think a lot forget how tough parenting is, or misguidedly expect something different as grandparents vs. parents.

My MIL is lovely but was definitely angling for an overnight stay when I really wasn't ready. That all changed when she had DS for an afternoon and realised/remembered how difficult it was. Now she'll happily do an hour or two, and happily hand him over at the end 😅

My son was not breastfed and his first sleepover was at 18mnth for 1 night because i was ill in hospital and my mum was visiting me so he stayed with his other grandma MIL but me and his dad weren't together by this point you are not being unreasonable
Maybe compromise if you can and leave her for an hour get your hair done or nip to shops when your ready it maybe she feels that she can't relax with baby if mum's watching etc x

I would be really cross with DH for saying that you discuss it (stopping breastfeeding for her convenience). He should have immediately told her where to go. You need to stand shoulder to shoulder with this.

I agree with this from @TheFormidableMrsC, OP. It's a pivotal movement for DH, and your family unit. He needs to draw brutally clear lines, and stand wholly with his wife and child. No discussion with MIL, no negotiations. You can always relax things later, if and when MIL learns some boundaries and respect.

Her demands are outrageous. Decorating a room as a fait accompli is extremely manipulative. Her message to DH entirely disrespects your role as mother - she places herself above you. She has no genuine care for you or your daughter, what's best for you. She is focused solely on meeting her own needs. She is entirely happy to drive a wedge between you and DH.

I would make it clear that she has lost all trust and will now need to earn it back. That it will be a long time before she has any unsupervised contact of any kind. Maybe never, if she doesn't sort herself out. Ideally this would all come from DH, or both of you together. Is he on board? I'd be watching carefully to see if I had a husband, partner and co-parent; or if he was still mummy's boy at heart.