MIL upset about no sleepovers after decorating a room for DD

[MollyPocket]

We went to PIL for lunch on New Year’s Day and MIL announced that she wanted to show us something upstairs. So we followed her and she proceeded to do a grand reveal of our DD’s new bedroom, all bedecked with pink princesses and unicorns (not my taste but clearly a lot of effort gone in). She proceeded to request we make a start with her first sleepover next week.

DD is just turning 4 months and getting her to bed is challenging at the moment (often resorting to co sleeping) so I was a bit shocked and felt she’d jumped the gun a bit. We haven’t even discussed sleepovers yet.

I basically told MIL that while the room looked great, it was much too soon to be having sleepovers. Honestly I don’t think I’ll be keen on the idea for ages yet.

MIL didn’t say much but was clearly a bit put out. Later on she texted me to say she was upset as she had put in a lot of effort and was so looking forward to regular sleepovers. She asked when we could start. I said that as DD is breastfed and often co sleeps it won’t be for quite some time.

Yesterday I though about it and felt bad for MIL and started to think maybe in a couple of months if DD will take a bottle and isn’t co sleeping so often we could try it and see how it goes.

But then I caught sight of a text popping up on DH’s phone, so picked it up and read their conversation (yes I know I shouldn’t). MIL actually said to DH that ‘he mustn’t let me carry on breastfeeding longer than necessary in order to keep DD from doing overnights at their house’! In a previous text she’d told him she had hoped to be doing overnights 1-2 times a week (erm, nope).

DH had been trying to temper to situation and told her we’d let her know when we’re ready, but the way I feel now I’m not sure I ever will be!

DH and I are homebodies so while the time might come that we want a babysitter for the odd night out, it hasn’t even occurred to us yet. If she doesn’t calm down I’ll be asking my own parents to do it.

However I have never limited their daytime visits - although I am always there as I don’t want people taking her without me yet.

Am I being unreasonable or is she just nuts?

Breezy is the way forward here I think.

'Ahh she's still not sleeping well yet MIL, sorry.'
'We're not quite ready yet MIL, sorry'.

Never over explain. For the sake of your dh and keeping the peace try to be civil but don't go into detail. Just keep it light but firm then change the subject. You should never feel pressured to let your child go anywhere ever. I don't get this possessive entitlement some people have over their grandchildren, it's bizarre.

I wouldn’t trust her in the future, she doesn’t respect you as DD’s mother and she will constantly try and overstep boundaries. DH needs to put her in her place now so she knows to avoid this continuing and getting worse. 4months is wayyy to young and it’s very selfish as only for her benefit. I have a 4 year old who has never slept at anyone else’s house, that’s my preference and I won’t change that for anyone until I would be comfortable, not even my partner. Stay strong and don’t doubt yourself at all!

What is it with this obsession on MN of grandparents insisting on overnight stays with GC. What’s to miss out on, they’re asleep.

I never once slept at my grandparents and my eldest who is now 7 has only stayed over once when I was in labour with his brother.

My parents and in-laws see the GC a lot, babysit in the day or evening, we all visit them or they come to us. They’ve stayed later to do bath, story and bed, taken them out on day trips. I just can’t see what extra they are missing out on.

I would be really cross with DH for saying that you discuss it (stopping breastfeeding for her convenience). He should have immediately told her where to go. You need to stand shoulder to shoulder with this. If my mum had ever tried to pull a stunt like this, she would have been given short shrift. As it happens, I did like DD to have the occasional sleepover but my mum absolutely respected my parenting.

If you don't nip this in the bud now, her demands will escalate. She needs to be absolutely clear that your child will not be staying over, and will possibly never do it either. Don't give her an inch.

Far too young. MIL seems a little mad!

WAit til she is 2, then a once weekly sleepover will be bloody bliss!

Way too young. Stand your ground. I agree, Breezy is the way to go but be firm.

When your baby is older she can start spending an afternoon with MIL, and they can play in the new bedroom and acclimatise to it. Then when your child is nearer 2, and happy to stay at MIL's, a single overnight may be lovely. MIL has got a bit excited!

My in laws wanted my baby to sleep over from really young - it's a thing they do in their family, well off people but with solid working class roots. I wasn't used to it, not done in my family. Another extended family baby then arrived who did the sleepover thing with them. Thing is my kids are now not so close to them and I do feel a bit sorry about this. I feel my kids, now teens, missed out a bit, their house is often rammed with family kids, the sleepovers are the bonding bit. But 4 months is very young.

Ha ha I was waiting to read that her age was ten .. There have been a few posts very similar to this on MN over the years. The answer is basically to enjoy your lovely baby and tell your MIL (kindly) that the room is lovely and maybe your DD will be ready when she's two 🙂. Maybe your MIL didn't BF and therefore doesn't see why you should. But anyway, it's your baby, your decisions, etc etc. Keep your confidence in what you're doing and keep it up!

You’re not potentially undermining your child’s immune system so your MiLs unicorns don’t go to waste. Good grief. She’s 4 months old. She will have zero memory of it and it’s too soon. Great to have a babysitter who’s so willing but talk about the cart leading the horse. It’s your baby, not hers.

She's nuts and very pushy. Your baby, not hers!

This is insane. My ds is 4.5 and has never slept over any where, Dd is 8 and has had a few nights at my mums here and there and one night at a friends that’s it. Who would you want your child to be away from you one night a week if you didn’t have to.

AIBU

I'm really starting to feel taken for granted by so called friends. There's been a few instances and comments over the past year that have just really grated on me. I'm heading into the menopausal age group so was just thinking is it me being petty.

At the summer a get together was being organised and drinks were being discussed by my DH and friends DH on the phone whilst we were out walking,they agreed what they were all having and on the shopping list they were getting in (we square up costs)So when phone call ended between them I asked what I was having considering they had completely failed to even ask me, to which I replied " don't fkn worry I'll sort myself out"!!!!
On that occasion later that night I was pulled up on having the last glass of my own wine which I'd brought even though I'd shared at start of the night
Now I walk friends dog 4 days a week (which was from a litter we had)unpaid,dog is collected and dropped off.
My dogs have to be dropped off and collected on one day a week,so I basically do all the running whilst working 30+ hours a week.
Now over the festive holidays that I'm on holiday they failed to tell me when they were working,so one day dog was left all day,no one msgd or text to remind me they were working or that I was to get dog. I've also been unwell before Christmas and not once did they offer to get dog walked by someone else.
Definitely think they are taking the piss now with absolutely no regard for me and all I do.

You might get more responses if you start a new thread for this!

Wow she’s crazy and overbearing! No way would I allow her to her overnight until I was ready and after reading that text, I’d be reluctant to at all! She’s trying to stop you BF your baby so she can sleep there! Wow I’m gobsmacked! My DS is 4 and neither parents have offered to have him but tbh I’d not trust them!

Id have a word with DH and tell him exactly how you feel!

BF baby and only 4 months old - your MIL is bonkers!
She's obviously keen to help you both out but she's been a mum, she's not your dcs mum.

YANBU she is fucking bonkers. I cannot imagine how someone has that sense of entitlement over someone else’s child.

You need to very firmly knock on the head her assumption that it’s just the breastfeeding stopping your tiny baby having weekly sleepovers. I’m always staggered and appalled when family puts pressure on mothers to stop BF so they can all have a go playing Mum.

That would be lovely when your child is six but at four months that’s just ridiculous.

This is completely mad of her.

You keep breastfeeding as long as YOU want; that is none of her business. My son has just turned 2 and he still isn't ready to sleep over somewhere without his father or me there (we have a childminder who can gets him to sleep though so we can go out in the evenings now).

You will know when the time is right for both weaning and staying somewhere else. I didn't wean him fully until 20 months and that was what was right for us, and even now I wouldn't be sure anyone else bar

You sound like a very kind person (and I'd hate all the pink too!). Wishing you all the best with your daughter x

That was the opportunity for your Dh to say no

and he didn’t.

Discussing with her is leaving the door open to your baby staying with her.

I would worry if you and Dh ever split up you would be arranging custody with 2 people or your child will be raised by mil

Time for Dh to stand up to his mother.

God bless you I’d have gone full ballistic at all of this. Haven’t read the comments but anyone not on your side on your parenting choices about your basically newborn can get themselves checked out along with your MIL 😂😂 absolutely scandalous of her!!!

If MIL wants a baby to look after, she can have her own. She doesn’t get yours.

How about I come with you and I’ll fucking tell her 😇😉