MIL upset about no sleepovers after decorating a room for DD

[MollyPocket]

We went to PIL for lunch on New Year’s Day and MIL announced that she wanted to show us something upstairs. So we followed her and she proceeded to do a grand reveal of our DD’s new bedroom, all bedecked with pink princesses and unicorns (not my taste but clearly a lot of effort gone in). She proceeded to request we make a start with her first sleepover next week.

DD is just turning 4 months and getting her to bed is challenging at the moment (often resorting to co sleeping) so I was a bit shocked and felt she’d jumped the gun a bit. We haven’t even discussed sleepovers yet.

I basically told MIL that while the room looked great, it was much too soon to be having sleepovers. Honestly I don’t think I’ll be keen on the idea for ages yet.

MIL didn’t say much but was clearly a bit put out. Later on she texted me to say she was upset as she had put in a lot of effort and was so looking forward to regular sleepovers. She asked when we could start. I said that as DD is breastfed and often co sleeps it won’t be for quite some time.

Yesterday I though about it and felt bad for MIL and started to think maybe in a couple of months if DD will take a bottle and isn’t co sleeping so often we could try it and see how it goes.

But then I caught sight of a text popping up on DH’s phone, so picked it up and read their conversation (yes I know I shouldn’t). MIL actually said to DH that ‘he mustn’t let me carry on breastfeeding longer than necessary in order to keep DD from doing overnights at their house’! In a previous text she’d told him she had hoped to be doing overnights 1-2 times a week (erm, nope).

DH had been trying to temper to situation and told her we’d let her know when we’re ready, but the way I feel now I’m not sure I ever will be!

DH and I are homebodies so while the time might come that we want a babysitter for the odd night out, it hasn’t even occurred to us yet. If she doesn’t calm down I’ll be asking my own parents to do it.

However I have never limited their daytime visits - although I am always there as I don’t want people taking her without me yet.

Am I being unreasonable or is she just nuts?

I didn’t allow sleepovers with DD until she was old enough to talk and communicate enough with me. That way she could tell me if she actually wanted to sleepover or if there was anything that upset her when she did.

I’m not saying your IL’s pose a risk but it’s fact that those known to children are greater risk than strangers so I would want my child to be able to communicate well enough before sleepovers happened and even then they’d only happen if needed.

As your MIL doesn’t appear to respect your boundaries I would not trust her to respect your rules when in the sole care of your child either.

Your DH needs to tell your MIL that the subject isn’t to be raised again until you or he raises it.

I very stupidly allowed this once when my baby was six weeks old. I was in agony with engorged breasts. No break at all, as you will still need to pump as often as you would feed, which can be hard work. Had I not been in pain I wouldn’t have slept well anyway knowing my baby wasn’t there..

She’s a fucking loon. I didn’t have my DGS to sleep over until he was 9 months and I took care of him every day !

Totally agree with this and the other posters!! That’s crazy behaviour from her
yanbu

I worry slightly that i’m going to be a little bit like this when i’m a gp!
My dc have rarely slept at their gp’s house because they don’t want to-they’re stricter than we are!
I would politely but firmly say no until you are ready. Perhaps let the baby sleep there when you go over in the daytime & when they’re older, I expect they’ll love having a room that is just for them to play in.

The behaviour of OP's MIL is beyond the pale but the attitude of a couple of posters on here towards grandparents in general is absolutely appalling.

going to agree with pp MiL is off her rocker. regular overnights with a tiny breast feeding baby! get her a tamagotchi off ebay she wants to look after something so bad.

Outrageously nuts and she done up the bedroom so that's on her

This is really weird. Of course a breastfed 4 month old baby should not be going for sleepovers anywhere, unless there’s some kind of emergency. When I ready the title I thought it was going to be a 9,10,11 YEAR old! Totally bonkers. Stand your ground and make sure DH is 100% onside with you.

What does your Fil say about it?

Out of order she wants to try and stop you BF as long so she can have her. That’s not on. Yes she’s excited but she needs to calm right down. Maybe start letting her have her for an hour or two in the day whilst you get some shopping done etc. Might help. As annoying as it is, she is probably just excited and means well.

I agree, she’s batshit and she can’t be trusted.

Stopping BF early is a risk for you AND your baby. You would be equally batshit to start giving baby bottles to suit MIL.

You didn’t ask her to decorate a room for your child. it’s clear that she did it to manipulate and guilt trip you and your DH.

Id be keeping a very careful eye on her on not letting my child stay over night until she was about 4 or 5 . That’s years not months.

Good lord! First off -

1-2 nights a week! She doesn’t want sleep overs she wants a custody arrangement.

Precisely this!!! 2 nights a week would be over a quarter of the time! And does she think the other grandma gets the same rights as her? If so, you'd only see your own child 3 nights a week!! Or does she think she's so special that she's the only one with such entitlements?

I breastfed my little girl before bed every night until she was 21 months old. It was an important part of her bedtime routine, she loved it, it made her feel secure and comforted, not to mention the health benefits.

At 4 months your child should be exclusively drinking milk anyway for the next 2 months (which has probably changed since your MIL had babies, when the recommendation was to wean at 3 or 4 months rather than 6). Make very sure one way or another that your MIL knows you're not going to sacrifice your daughter's health and emotional wellbeing for HER fulfilment. She's an adult ffs. 4 months is tiny. My little girl was 18 months the first time she spent a night without us and it was a big deal.

I remember spending nights with my grandmother when I was about 4 or 5, with my sister, and we often ended up crying to come home. I don't think I ever once spent a night with my other grandmother without a parent present. We still have a very good relationship.

Yes she's nuts. No one should get in between a breastfeeding mother and her baby. Don't let anyone push you into stopping before you are ready.

This.very selfish woman wants the.baby not to breastfeed any more so that she can have the child? That's not love. It's all about gratifying her own wish. As for texting your husband, She's actually trying to stir up trouble between you in the hope of gaining access to your baby.
You are going to have trouble with her in the future. You'll do nothing right which she will duly inform your husband of. She'll campaign endlessly to rule the roost. She will also want to have the baby all to herself and spring surprise trips away on you.
You should make it clear what you and your husband's boundaries are and he has to step up and support you. Let her know you know about the text and ask her why she's trying to cause trouble.

1-2 nights a week! She doesn’t want sleep overs she wants a custody arrangement. Yikes.

This!

Good grief! I thought your DD was going to be 4 years old, when I read 4 months I nearly spat my tea out!

She is treating your DD like a doll to play with and trying to trample all over your boundaries.

I do appreciate the white hot love for the first grandchild (assuming it's her first?) I say this as someone who sent her 6 mth old to grandparents for a night but this was agreed and not forced on us by an overbearing and controlling relative.

Wow! My daughter has the occasional sleepover at the grandparents now and she's 5 yrs old. Your baby is far too young and you should not be rushed to give up precious moments with her just so MIL can have sleepovers. She may well feel upset due to her decorating efforts but she didn't even ask if you'd be ok with it before decorating so that on her unfortunately.

Neither of my DCs ever had a sleepover at either grandparents.
As a MIL myself it really wouldn’t and hasn’t ever crossed my mind to automatically expect my DGCs to come for a sleepover - obviously if they wanted to it would be lovely!
She’s so out of order I would seriously wonder how much of a relationship I would want her to have with my child/children.

I've had three kids and they never went for sleepovers until well past two years old!!!
They were never away from DH or I before then and I breastfed them as long as I and they bloody wanted to (despite MIL, FIL and SIL all saying it was gross, creepy and yes, they really did say this, "weird and unnatural!")

What is it with grandparents who insist on having grandchildren sleeping over? This insistence that they have to have the child to themselves away from the parents is insane. Some pretend it is for the parents' benefit, your MIL isn't even doing that. When DD is older and IF you would like a night out or a quiet night in etc, you may love the idea on occasion. You may even love the idea once a week. Equally you may always hate it and are not obliged to comply. Your child, your choice. They are emotionally blackmailing you with the bedroom thing. Stay tough because she won't drop this.

Give it another 4 months and you’ll be begging her to have her for a night or two to give you a break. Tread carefully, breastfeeding aside, you’re very lucky to have help , so maybe like you said in two months or so , allow it , it will come in handy long term

Nip this in the bud right now. She is trying to divide you and dh so she can take over parenting your child. This is manipulation and she is nasty. I would go ape over this , but I would suggest a family conversation with you and dh together telling her it’s not going to happen now or ever. You’ll have to shut this down as honestly she is a nut. It won’t get any better unless you act swiftly and cut this thread off.

Weird, as everyone else has said.

Two thoughts: Has MIL got any daughters of her own? Did she always secretly want a girl to dress up and play dollies with? Is that maybe why she’s so hell-bent on sleepovers?

And secondly, AIBU to hope and pray your DD bursts into inconsolable tears every time she sees the unicorn room?

Sounds like baby is the last accessory to complete refurbished room.