MIL upset about no sleepovers after decorating a room for DD

[MollyPocket]

We went to PIL for lunch on New Year’s Day and MIL announced that she wanted to show us something upstairs. So we followed her and she proceeded to do a grand reveal of our DD’s new bedroom, all bedecked with pink princesses and unicorns (not my taste but clearly a lot of effort gone in). She proceeded to request we make a start with her first sleepover next week.

DD is just turning 4 months and getting her to bed is challenging at the moment (often resorting to co sleeping) so I was a bit shocked and felt she’d jumped the gun a bit. We haven’t even discussed sleepovers yet.

I basically told MIL that while the room looked great, it was much too soon to be having sleepovers. Honestly I don’t think I’ll be keen on the idea for ages yet.

MIL didn’t say much but was clearly a bit put out. Later on she texted me to say she was upset as she had put in a lot of effort and was so looking forward to regular sleepovers. She asked when we could start. I said that as DD is breastfed and often co sleeps it won’t be for quite some time.

Yesterday I though about it and felt bad for MIL and started to think maybe in a couple of months if DD will take a bottle and isn’t co sleeping so often we could try it and see how it goes.

But then I caught sight of a text popping up on DH’s phone, so picked it up and read their conversation (yes I know I shouldn’t). MIL actually said to DH that ‘he mustn’t let me carry on breastfeeding longer than necessary in order to keep DD from doing overnights at their house’! In a previous text she’d told him she had hoped to be doing overnights 1-2 times a week (erm, nope).

DH had been trying to temper to situation and told her we’d let her know when we’re ready, but the way I feel now I’m not sure I ever will be!

DH and I are homebodies so while the time might come that we want a babysitter for the odd night out, it hasn’t even occurred to us yet. If she doesn’t calm down I’ll be asking my own parents to do it.

However I have never limited their daytime visits - although I am always there as I don’t want people taking her without me yet.

Am I being unreasonable or is she just nuts?

You don't need to treat adults fairly
You choose the best option for the patents and child.

You don't need to treat adults fairly

Seriously? Everything you teach your kids gets thrown out of the window when they reach adulthood?

If you have a sleepover your boobs will get really sore and painful and you could get mastitis! My mum used to have my DD for me overnights from around 10/11 months old, as I am a single mum and needed the breaks, and although it was really needed, I would be in a lot of pain for it! I breastfed until DD was 32 months too!

I'm sorry but what the hell. That made my blood boil. Why would your MIL expect to have sleepovers with your precious baby who is still so so young. I have a 3.5 month old and don't feel ready to leave him with anyone at all apart from his dad.

So much no. Tell her to back right off!

That’s really judgmental. I don’t have the ability to do that with no family around but leaving the baby with the GPs overnight doesn’t make you a lazy parent!

I do think MIL is overstepping her and giving opinions that are frankly none of her business but ffs we all need a break once in a while and the nuclear family is a very recent concept since we all used to live with extended families

Crikey, I was prepared to say YABU at first, thinking your daughter was 5 years old or something like that!

Equal and fair aren’t the same thing. Which I also teach my children.

My mum is very responsible and respectful, I’d be happy with her having DD overnight. Another grandparent thought it was funny when a friend let her grandchild fall into a fireplace and was scarred for life, I wouldn’t let them have DD unsupervised at all, never mind overnight.

Am I being unequal or unfair? Couldn’t give a shit tbh. My child’s safety is paramount. No adults feelings are more important than that.

I don't know ow how to break it to you bit yes.

As an adult I also don't have to speak to people I don't want to, have a bed time.or eat food I don't like.

Don't worry you'll find out soon

Your baby is 4 months old she needs to be at home with you and your dh not sleeping in a strange house without you.

She’s mad! And sly too! She decorated the room not as a ‘lovely surprise’ for you, but to pressurise you and your DH. Don’t fall for it - stick up for yourselves and your very young baby.

Your DD isn’t a toy for her. It really pisses me off when grandparents do this. I can’t ever imagine trying to muscle in on a grandchild of mine. There’s no thought at all for your baby, only for herself.

Get your DH to tell her that sleepovers are a long way off - years away. I’d also cut down on contact with her until she stops being so controlling.

No but it’s just a pattern that mothers favour their own mothers (why wouldn’t we?) and in parallel, grandmothers favour their daughter’s children.

Please don’t @ me with personal anecdotes. I get that here the MIL overstepped boundaries with advice on something that she really shouldn’t have concerned herself with.

I see this through the lens of my MIL caring about SIL children more than ours. On one hand, I get it. On the other hand … it feels unfair.

it's not so much that she wants this, it's more the attempt to covertly override the wishes of the babies mother and disrupt the bond between mother and baby.
I could understand a new Gparent getting over enthusiastic but this is in a different category imo

agree with @BreatheAndFocus ...decorating the room like that is a form of ambush, she intends that OP feels unable to refuse her request because of all the trouble she's gone too

She's presumptuous and bonkers. I'm not precious but I still didn't leave any of mine until 2 (my youngest is 2 in March and we will be leaving him for him first sleepover then) they were all bottle refusers so I couldnt even if I wanted early on. Even at nearly 2 my youngest still breastfeeds and even though I don't need to pump milk for him, I still have to pump myself so i don't get mastitis and aren't in agony. Letting your baby sleepover might seem like to the person offering that they are doing you a favour, but the thing is by the time you've pumped milk to send, then pumped again to avoid a dip in supply and making yourself ill it's a lot of faff and inconvenience for you for very little gain. I wouldn't put up with anyone pushing sleepovers, not even with an older toddler nevermind such a small baby, it's when you are ready, willing and are completely comfortable leaving them, not when someone else who wants to have another go tells you you should. I'd take sleepovers off the table completely for the foreseeable future, nice bedroom or not.

Ha ha, never been on there, but 'just NO' comes naturally to mind when you hear this kind of nonsense

I thought exactly the same thing until I read she is only 4 months old.

My daughter breastfeeds my 10 month old GS and I would never of suggested she wean him off her. Mind you she would have told me straight it was no business of mine.
I look after my GS 2 times a week 8 hours in total, see him most days bar weekend’s and I have a close bond with him but I know he would be distressed without mum and dad on a sleepover plus my daughter would worry all night.
your husband needs to be direct and tell his mum that she has no right to expect him to tell you when you stop breastfeeding, she needs to back off and learn her place!

Of course UANBU she's tiny. MIL decorating a room at hers was manipulative and nuts. Her text to DP shows she doesn't respect you as baby's mother. Unfortunately I think she's shown her true colours. I would not be leaving baby unsupervised at any point now or in future.

@MeridianB If they amp it up, I'd calmly ask what they need to do overnight with DD that they cannot do with you there. Presumably you're OK with them taking her for a walk in the pram on her own etc. And you'd be happy to stay at theirs with DD (if you would be) so get them to explain why they need her alone.

I agree, this is what gets me about these relatives who push so hard to have the child alone and / or overnight against the parents’ wishes. Some of them even say “alone time”. There is never any reason given. I suspect it’s because the GPs etc want to “parent” the baby their own way because they don’t approve of the parents’ parenting style. In some cases I strongly suspect that they want to try to train the baby to sleep through- because DIL is “spoiling” the baby by picking him up in the night. So they’d leave him to cry. I had one relative who would have jumped at the chance to “toughen up” a baby, she used to say the parents were holding him too much and kept saying “he’ll get spoilt” which we all used to ignore. Left alone with him in her house I’m 100% sure she would have left him to cry in the night, and done all sorts of outdated discredited things because she thought the old ways were the best.

@MintyFreshOne

You and others have taken my comments out of context.

A previous poster suggested that the only people voting against the OP must all be nightmare MIL's 🤦🏻‍♀️

I'm trying to balance this by pointing out that equally, there are some parents who are keen for their kids to sleep over with the grandparents to give them a break from parenting duties.

I had a friend that used to have the odd weekend away and leave her toddler DS with his 70+ yr old granny. She didn't care that granny found it exhausting because she always put her own needs before the health of her MIL.

I've never understood those parents and grandparents who did every weekend sleepovers. Mine probably did once a month at most, some months depending on social life they did two but other months non.

First dc had his first sleepover at about 9 months but we also slept over (had a friends wedding so was with in laws all day and they put him to bed but we were back about midnight and was there first thing.

He was over 1 before he had a proper sleepover where we weren't there when he woke up. No way could I have done a weekly or bi-weekly sleep over.

OP your MIL is so stark raving bat-shit crazy that I would seriously be worried about ever leaving her alone with my child! Stand very firm! (I would run away!)

4 months?! Yanbu
I'd be ready for my daughter to have sleepovers at probably 4 years, not 4 months.

I don’t understand why they would want sleepovers of all things.

My eldest ds early 20, so I am a way off being a grandmother yet but christ, I doubt I will have any desire to go back to a baby crying in the night.

I’ll just visit and take the daytime cuddles and hand back to mum and dad when they get fussy.