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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to see in-laws over this

131 replies

atsoftplay · 03/01/2023 10:02

I have been married coming up to 9 years and have a 3 month baby.
When I met dh his sister was incredibly hostile to me and has never accepted me, after years of her unfriendliness which has got worse since ds was born I decided I didn't need her in my life and would go no contact.
However here's the predicament, dh parents won't see me unless I see his sister as they feel I'm excluding her and they come as a family or not at all and dh won't see his DP without me as he says we come as a family too or not at all.

I now feel it's down to me to tolerate his sister so he can have a relationship with his DP although he says he'd happily go no contact if I don't want to see them which makes me feel guilty that it's all down to me.
I genuinely don't wish to have a relationship with his sister but nor do I want to be the reason they don't have contact either which has devastated his sister but dh isn't bothered because he can see how she treats me.
So aibu to have no contact with sil despite the consequences for the rest of the family I have suggested dh see them without me but he won't budge saying if I don't want to go WE won't. Battling with conscience here.

OP posts:
Original poster
atsoftplay · 03/01/2023 10:04

DP as in parents not partner if that wasn't clear

OP posts:
BeardieWeirdie · 03/01/2023 10:05

You’re not the one setting ultimatums here. Fuck ‘em. If your SIL is so horrid and your PIL are so set on prioritising her, it’s probably a blessed relief for your husband. 10 husband points to him for prioritising you!

Anotheryearsameshitshow · 03/01/2023 10:06

His dps are batshit. If they weren't they would visit like dps do. The sil tagging along is bullshit. Your dh standing by you is admirable. Doesn't happen enough.. If dh isn't bothered then don't you be. Enjoy your dc without their drama I say....
Don't attempt to understand such people..

PenelopeTitsDrop3121 · 03/01/2023 10:06

Their problem,not yours. Have they told sil she needs to make more of an effort? I doubt it.

Wayk · 03/01/2023 10:06

Agree to see them on the condition that his sister is pleasant to you. If she is rude again go no contact.

KalvinPhillipsBoots · 03/01/2023 10:06

That's their choice OP, make that clear to them, his sister needs to address her attitude with you, I agree with you, cut the toxic deadwood from your life. Make's life so much easier

mayflower21 · 03/01/2023 10:07

I'd say Appreciate your husband being on your side, that's the most important thing, and I guess you don't have to like SIL but could you meet her with, just have minimal interaction?

Original poster
atsoftplay · 03/01/2023 10:08

Wayk · 03/01/2023 10:06

Agree to see them on the condition that his sister is pleasant to you. If she is rude again go no contact.

I would like that but after 9 years I can't see any change.

OP posts:
Peacelily38 · 03/01/2023 10:09

I don't really see it as you being the cause of not seeing his parents as it's them that have made the ultimatum.

Dello · 03/01/2023 10:11

Could you just agree that you and SIL are “neutral” ie not instigating meet ups and not friends separately, but tolerate each other, say hello and don’t criticise each other or make things difficult?
Surely lots of families?most have a few of these relationships.

SolitudeNotLoneliness · 03/01/2023 10:12

They've set the ultimation. You pick what the next step is - easy, you don't see them as you aren't being forced to endure a person who has Bern hostile for 9 years.

Rather silly of them to make that ultimation, wasn't it.

Theunamedcat · 03/01/2023 10:12

Go no contact they all need to see the consequences of their own actions especially after putting you through nine years of this

StrawberryWater · 03/01/2023 10:12

You’re not the one giving ultimatums and neither are you being nasty so sod them all. They’re the ones who will lose out, not you and not your child.

Also they’re your partners family, if he doesn’t want to see them then let him lead on that. You should be giving him a hug for having you’re back. He’s probably sick of his sister being the priority and golden child anyway.

ClaryFairchild · 03/01/2023 10:14

If your DH is happy to not see his DP then there is more to this than just his sister being nasty to you. There is probably a history of her being awful over different things and his parents prioritising her.

Kitkatcatflap · 03/01/2023 10:15

Is the sister in a relationship? Does she have children? How old is she? Her parents dragging her to family days out like a sulky teen seems a bit ridiculous. Are the parents aware of her bad behaviour? Can we have some examples of how she badly she has treated you?

HazelBite · 03/01/2023 10:17

I get where to OP's In Laws (The Parents) are coming from, thinking that both sides of the family should make the effort to be pleasant to one another and not cause disruption and an atmosphere when they meet HOWEVER, what ever efforts are made it never works and they are being unreasonable not to realise that it won't work.
My twin sons partners do not get on and after much heartache we see them as couples individually on separate occasions and try not to have family occasions where both couples are present.
My advice to the OP is for the time being go along with what they want, however painful, they will soon see that it won't work and revise their ideas.
Its all very sad really, but I can see where everyone is coming from.

Anotheryearsameshitshow · 03/01/2023 10:23

My dh wasn't bothered about reconnecting with his dm. I encouraged him to. Backfired big style. Follow your dh's lead op.

MissMarplesbag · 03/01/2023 10:34

atsoftplay · 03/01/2023 10:08

I would like that but after 9 years I can't see any change.

Show quote history

Actually this is a good opportunity for you to make your point about her behaviour. See them again and as soon as she starts walk out and text them that you'll never see them again. The reason being is that they've brought up a badly behaved brat.

Madamecastafiore · 03/01/2023 10:38

Start seeing them again and set boundaries re her behaviour, then if she oversteps you tell them exactly why you will no longer have a relationship with them and ask them if they'll be happy also not having a relationship with their grandchildren because you guys also come as a package.
She'll fuck up, you'll be able to say, there we go, her choice to fuck everything up and you can then get on with life without any guilt as it would have been her choice not to take the olive branch,

thequestionmartyiswhenthehellarewe · 03/01/2023 10:39

Does SIL actually want to tag along? It seems more of a problem your PIL have created. YANBU as it was their decision, not yours.

Original poster
atsoftplay · 03/01/2023 10:44

Kitkatcatflap · 03/01/2023 10:15

Is the sister in a relationship? Does she have children? How old is she? Her parents dragging her to family days out like a sulky teen seems a bit ridiculous. Are the parents aware of her bad behaviour? Can we have some examples of how she badly she has treated you?

Sil is in a relationship no dc but she's late 30s and yes they are well aware of how she is but if anything is brought up they say but that's not us that's her.
She just didn't like me from the start before she met me she didn't want to meet me and when she eventually did she text my dh saying I would probably use him and he should get shot, she's always referred to me as her.
Dh says she was like it with all his girlfriends, they are a close family who are all very involved with each others lives and she sees me as an outsider who's taken him away, especially when he moved to my hometown which was an hour away she said he was abandoning his family to get his leg over.

OP posts:
RunLolaRun102 · 03/01/2023 10:46

Your DH needs to man up and either be confident enough to see them alone (with baby) or cut them off. He shouldn’t be putting the decision making on you, that’s not fair.

Edinburghmusing · 03/01/2023 10:46

Your husband is wrong to put this on you.

yiu are perfectly entitled not to see his family.

it is then his choice whether or not he sees his family without you. Not your responsibility

RunLolaRun102 · 03/01/2023 10:47

atsoftplay · 03/01/2023 10:44

Sil is in a relationship no dc but she's late 30s and yes they are well aware of how she is but if anything is brought up they say but that's not us that's her.
She just didn't like me from the start before she met me she didn't want to meet me and when she eventually did she text my dh saying I would probably use him and he should get shot, she's always referred to me as her.
Dh says she was like it with all his girlfriends, they are a close family who are all very involved with each others lives and she sees me as an outsider who's taken him away, especially when he moved to my hometown which was an hour away she said he was abandoning his family to get his leg over.

Show quote history

Why is your DH telling you stuff she has texted him privately? Is he a bit if a drama queen?

Bananarama21 · 03/01/2023 10:48

I'd love to her the other side of this, things aren't always black and white in these cases. I'm the sil in the situation only I had a falling out with sil over not been able to attend an childs birthday party as I had plans. She had spoken to me disgustingly and I called her out on her previous behaviour of my mother and the way she berated her, my poor mum has alot of with my dad who has terminal cancer. She would paint herself as being the victim which isn't the case. She's tried hard to exclude me from family events but I've put my foot down. If you don't want to go don't but your dh should atleast go and have a seperate relationship.