Not to see in-laws over this

[atsoftplay]

I have been married coming up to 9 years and have a 3 month baby.
When I met dh his sister was incredibly hostile to me and has never accepted me, after years of her unfriendliness which has got worse since ds was born I decided I didn't need her in my life and would go no contact.
However here's the predicament, dh parents won't see me unless I see his sister as they feel I'm excluding her and they come as a family or not at all and dh won't see his DP without me as he says we come as a family too or not at all.

I now feel it's down to me to tolerate his sister so he can have a relationship with his DP although he says he'd happily go no contact if I don't want to see them which makes me feel guilty that it's all down to me.
I genuinely don't wish to have a relationship with his sister but nor do I want to be the reason they don't have contact either which has devastated his sister but dh isn't bothered because he can see how she treats me.
So aibu to have no contact with sil despite the consequences for the rest of the family I have suggested dh see them without me but he won't budge saying if I don't want to go WE won't. Battling with conscience here.

Does your SiL want to see you?

Why can't you be kept out of the mix?

You're in a tough situation (I've been in a similar one) and I can understand you don't want to have anything to do with your SIL but I'd give it another go so as not to cut your DH and DC off from your ILs.
Maybe you and your DH could write to your SIL and PILs and outline that you're deeply upset at how your SIL addresses you and deals with you and ask her to please be more respectful and polite in future. You can say you love/appreciate your PILs etc but it's causing stress to you and you worry about the impact on your baby in future.
If I was you I'd also ask your DH to tell your SIL that he doesn't want her bad mouthing you to him.

I don't see any reason you should be your SIL's verbal punching bag.
If they don't want a relationship with their grandchild, that's their choice. But you do not have to accept abuse to facilitate that.

I know its really difficult but if I were you I would go NC do you want your child around sil? I think your oh should talk to his parents and explain that sils behaviour is unacceptable and that he needs to do what's right for his family and if they chose not to see you then that is up to them put the responsibility on them not on you

You would be shooting yourself in the foot if you started seeing SIL.

Better not to go down that road. PIL have backed themselves in a corner, holding a 3mo baby as ransom for SIL. Don’t play into their hands.

You made your decision out of self preservation, they are emotionally blackmailing you
Don't cave in , been there and got the t shirt

Yikes, if she’s learnt anything in the last 9 years and has behaved like this after a tiny baby is on the scene, then nothing is going to change her. I genuinely don’t think your baby is safe around her, volatile people are unpredictable.

but I'd give it another go so as not to cut your DH and DC off from your ILs.

Good grief no.

Op won't be cutting them off-they will be doing it themselves!

They are trying make everyone put their adult daughter first.

That's fucked up.

Because they won’t see him without SIL and he’s supporting his wife by not giving in to their blackmail

I think you should stick to your guns and not see horrible SIL. Your DH clearly values you and your child as his family now and his priority. Good for him. Don’t feel guilty.

I have some experience of this. My sil is a selfish brat and always has been. She created a huge fuss over a number of things before we married, caused a huge scene at our wedding and big family fall out after. We gave her plenty of opportunity to apologise but she never did, and was supported by her parents as she still lived at home. Ultimately it has affected our relationship with her and pil. Over the last 20 years I have tolerated her, and I am a kind person so still make am effort for things like her birthday or Christmas, and I never make it awkward when we do see each other. Pil were not much better, very unsupportive, but again we have maintained relationships.But the pay off for this is my husband knows that I will not bite my tongue to him about how I feel and every now and then I need to have a huge rant about what a selfish bitch she is and the hateful things she has done.Over the last few years after my fil died she has continued to show her true colours and dh and I have agreed that after my mil passes away (which could be in 20 years, who knows) we will be reducing contact even more, perhaps ending it completely. As hard as it seems, you do get used to tolerating people, because even if you don't show it you know that you have the moral high ground. I also will moan about her to very close friends and my sister, but if you saw us together you would never know how much I despise her.

No, that's not what is happening.
The parents have refused to see OP without SIL. they have not refused to see their son. It is DH who is then bizarrely refusing to see his parents.

There's nothing bizarre about him supporting his wife by refusing to see his parents without her. He is backing her decision to not be coerced into seeing PiL when SiL is there.

I am amazed you cannot see that.

Does the SIL work? Does she have any friends or is she one of those women who see all women as a threat?

sounds like DH is being great and already doing this or equivalent.

If you SIL is really that bad I'm not sure you have any other options.

I cannot see why he would not go to see his parents alone/ with their grandchild. It has nothing to do with his wife.
Unless, of course, they are abusive.

Is SIL a teenager who still lives at home and PIL need to take her everywhere with them? If not why can’t DH and you see him parents without her being there? SIL sounds very controlling

@atsoftplay I would sit with your husband and say you don't want to make him choose between your family and his parents, and it needs to be his decision. You don't want to make the choice for him as you don't feel it's your right. See what he says. He sounds like a good man.

If they won't see their own son that is their choice, and is not your fault.

Why do you need to make a point of going NC with his sister? If you don’t get along then you could have quietly ignored her. I don’t have any issues with my husbands brothers but I still never directly communicate with them, the concept of my going NC with them just doesn’t make any sense.

So I am going to go against the grain here, I think you have raised the stakes and created a war when you could have just got on with your life and accepted you and the sister are not going to be friends. And of course her parents are going to side with their daughter.

I think that you are right to go nc with sil and it’s obviously a decision that you haven’t taken lightly.

I think that the best thing you can do is speak to pil, explain that you love them and will be sad if they don’t want to see you. Let them know that you understand they’re hurt but the door is always open for them but that you won’t be changing your mind about sil.

I would also suggest to dh that he doesn’t make/communicate a final decision now because it will escalate everything. Ask him to wait 6 months and see if his parents come round. but ultimately with his family it does need to be his decision.

I'd get DH to tell PIL that sister behaves or you're all leaving - then as soon as she does something nasty, get up, get your coats and leave

I had my SIL be openly hostile and it got worse when she realised her time to have children had run out. She never married or had kids, she even said to DH on our wedding day well I never thought you would marry. Many things happened I won’t go in to exact detail but a couple were extreme and involved the death of our child and my miscarriage. Yes she was that much of a total cunt.

So I refused to see her for 5 years, it caused huge issues. I am still the ‘bad one’ according to MIL though after being awful to me last year she became absolutely hysterical about how terrible her DD is.

The only issue ever in my marriage was when I said I would go NC, DH did not support me, I left him for a few months at that time. It was my choice to go back to him. He is actually scared of his sister.

It’s extreme jealousy on your SIL part. At every family get together mine was always having some sort of crisis or issue. Of course a baby gets a lot of attention so they escalate. Her behaviour was at its very worst when DS was a toddler. Something is deeply wrong with my SIL and I suspect yours.

I do see mine now very occasionally. You will never be able to reason with your SIL and it sounds like a lot of unhealthy co dependant relationships. My in laws still treat SIL like an infant.

I am an absolute delight when she occasionally visits, this is sort of twice a year for the day. I have everything she ever wanted. I never understood that life well lived is the best revenge until now. She would have been delighted if we had remained apart.