Not to see in-laws over this

[atsoftplay]

I have been married coming up to 9 years and have a 3 month baby.
When I met dh his sister was incredibly hostile to me and has never accepted me, after years of her unfriendliness which has got worse since ds was born I decided I didn't need her in my life and would go no contact.
However here's the predicament, dh parents won't see me unless I see his sister as they feel I'm excluding her and they come as a family or not at all and dh won't see his DP without me as he says we come as a family too or not at all.

I now feel it's down to me to tolerate his sister so he can have a relationship with his DP although he says he'd happily go no contact if I don't want to see them which makes me feel guilty that it's all down to me.
I genuinely don't wish to have a relationship with his sister but nor do I want to be the reason they don't have contact either which has devastated his sister but dh isn't bothered because he can see how she treats me.
So aibu to have no contact with sil despite the consequences for the rest of the family I have suggested dh see them without me but he won't budge saying if I don't want to go WE won't. Battling with conscience here.

I'd say if she can apologise and acknowledge her wrongdoing then fine otherwise no. Odds are she won't but it's her choice.

Sorry, that should have said ‘just to keep my PIL’s happy’

You don't need to have a relationship with your DH's parents, but I would not want your baby when older to have no relationship with their grandparents. If that means DH visiting them with your DC but without you, then so be it.

You can only make decisions based upon what's best for you.

You've decided you value yourself too much to allow your dignity to be eroded by one person's behaviour. It's a choice you were well within your rights to make.

What others do in response to that decision is down to them alone. Their actions are not your responsibility (although they will likely tell you that they are, and that any schism in the family is the direct result of your choice. This is BS).

Your decision is not to see SiL. If MiL's choosing to make this a condition of your seeing her too, that's down to her. I would be disinclined to allow myself to be emotionally manipulated into a decision I don't want, and take the view that I'm allowed to prioritize my own mental health.

Likewise, your DH's choice is his. I'm in the position of being NC with most of my in-laws: my DH does still maintain a (LC) relationship with them and that's okay.

There seems to be a peculiar motto in your DH's family of 'we come as a package' and one of us means all of us'. IMO that's very immature and silly. Couples and family members are not joined at the hip and all have individual autonomy and minds of their own.

Do what's best for you. Frankly I can see your point. Life's too short, and melodrama like this is tedious and a waste of energy.

They are trying to bully Op into seeing someone who is nasty to her.

Who needs that shit for GPs?

I might be tempted to give it one chance with SIL, maybe a family meal out, if she kicks off then tell your PIL you've tried, and if they want to see you without their dd that's fine, but if they take their original stance then so be it.

I'd give them one last chance. SiL is civil or you won't be seeing her again and if that means not seeing PILs then so be it. Ultimately its them missing out on seeing their son and grandchildren though their own behaviour.

Why is your DH telling you stuff she has texted him privately? Is he a bit if a drama queen?

Why shouldn't he, they're married for goodness sake, it's secrets that cause problems and drama in relationships. If sis in law wants him to know her negative opinion of his wife then of course he's going to tell her.

The trouble is that as much as your DH says he is will go no contact unless he has severe issues with his family, it will eat away at him. It will be YOU making the decision about his family, not him and years later if they fall ill etc it will be you that made this decision. I would see them but make it clear you are not going to tolerate any rudeness. At least then you have tried?

You're NOT being unreasonable and neither is your husband. He's doing 100% the right thing. He's supporting you, his chosen life partner, whom he clearly loves and respects, against outside harm. He's standing by you, just as he should.

Don't be surprised, don't feel uncomfortable, don't think it's awkward, don't imagine that he isn't doing this willingly. He's actively choosing you because he loves you, and if he had to make that choice 100 times over, he'd still choose you every time.

I had a similar situation with my family because of my stepfather. I'd need to see my mother (under his heavy influence) and stepfather alone, or I'd be "cut out". He didn't expect me to turn around and say that it wouldn't be me who would be cut out of their life but it would be them who would be cut out of mine, and they could also kiss goodbye to all future hopes of seeing any grandchildren, too. It took a while to sink in, but they never ever managed to sway me otherwise, not even my mother practically begging.

Your husband is doing the same; he's putting you first. Take heart from that, be happy, enjoy your time together and your mutual love, and ignore the awful in-laws, both parents and sister. Let your husband ignore them, take comfort from the fact that he has your back covered, and be there for him if and when he needs it. That's what a true loving relationship is all about.

Swearing shouting and name calling, which once she calms down we're expected to forget because that's just how she is.
We don't want our ds to grow up in that environment.
PIl won't hear a word against her so dh can't talk to them about it as they are so close to her.
Dh feels he tries to put down boundaries to make it work with dp but they just get ignored because it's their way or not at all which dh says has always been the way and always will be.
If dh wants to cut contact that's up to him but I feel it's been put on me as if I don't facilitate contact he won't either.

if I don't facilitate contact he won't either.

Does that really matter?

No one should have to endure the company of someone hostile and antagonistic for the sake of other people. You are entitled to have boundaries about who you let into your life. You just say no. What your DH or anyone else chooses to do about that is their business.

First post nails it.

I thought you were going to say your DH was gutted and trying to persuade you to see her. But he has agreed to go NC with the lot of them - sounds like he has had a lifetime of everything you've experienced in the last decade and wants to focus on his new family.

It sounds like he also doesn't expect his family to bring much to a relationship with your new son. That would be the reason most people stayed in touch.

He sounds like a rare find. Trust his instincts.

I think you need some counselling to find out why you can't accept your husbands support without adding further drama to the situation.

She is awful, you know it, your husband does too.

His parents support her awful behaviour and could care less about you.

Your husband is supportive of you and is prepared to step away from the drama.

But that isn't enough for you.

You have to make this worse by making it all about your guilt.

Stop it.

They are awful.
They aren't going to change.
This is it.

Accept your husbands decision regarding his family and step away from this drama.

You cannot fix his family.
Step away from it and focus on your child.

If I was your spouse your guilt drama would annoy me.

It really isn't normal.

He is supporting you and wants some peace.

Stop adding to the drama.

After your latest update, no wonder your DH isn't bothered about going NC. The SIL behaves abominably, his parents say nothing, and you are both expected to just sit there and take it?

No . Just no. Life's too short for that shit and you have already, unbelievably, put up with this for 9 years.

It won't get any better.You don't need any of them in your lives and you certainly don't want to expose your child to such toxic behaviour. You have nothing to feel guilty about OP. This is all on them.

Stick to your guns.

They’ll back down.

If they don’t, their loss - they lose their son and their grandchild.

Exactly. You don't want or need these people in your life. Neither does your DH. So why on earth would you want them in your baby son's life. They have well and truly made their bed!

You're a decent person, so t's natural to feel bad about going NC. But that doesn't mean it's not the right thing to do.

They are making the problems not you. If you don't want to speak to her that's fine. They are the ones making the ridiculous rules on top of that.

After 9 years, you have the right to decide to exclude her. Especially to protect your dc from all this.
What everyone else does in response to your decision, is entirely up to them. They're trying to control you with these threats but their behaviour is not in your control.

Exactly.

PiL's need to be told "anybody in this family can see anybody else they wish to, Sadly, DW won't see SiL, because her hostility is intolerable, but we're not telling anybody else what to do, & we wish you would follow suit."

Then - listen to your DH.
Let him manage this.
He can keep the door open to his parents, but he's prepared to take a stand to protect his wife. Stop feeling guilty & lean in to him!

You CANNOT allow yourself to be essentially held hostage by blackmailers.
It's a fucking disgrace, frankly - how PiL's are weaponising the situation by threatening to stonewall their own son until his wife agrees to forced contact with their hostile daughter.

You dint have to do anything, it’s all these other people with their ultimatums that are causing problems. You are happy for DP to go but it’s up to him if he doesn’t.
Hes using you as an excuse

I wouldn't be seeing someone so vile. Sounds like they enable her.
I don't be bullied in to spending time rut her

So aibu to have no contact with sil despite the consequences for the rest of the family I have suggested dh see them without me but he won't budge saying if I don't want to go WE won't. Battling with conscience here.

Lay down the weapons you are beating yourself up with.

YOU have nothing to have a guilty conscience about.
Your DH is backing you to the hilt. Let him!
HIS family, HIS decision on whether he sees them solo or not, & he is making all the right choices here.

You might find this essay a useful parable - (substitute SiL/MiL/FiL as applicable).

“Don’t rock the boat” – dealing with Cluster-B’s

I've been thinking about this phrase a lot lately, about how unfair it is. Because we aren't the ones rocking the boat. It's the crazy lady jumping up and down and running side to side. Not the one sitting in the corner quietly not giving a fuck.

At some point in her youth, Mum/MIL gave the boat a little nudge. And look how everyone jumped to steady the boat! So she does it again, and again. Soon her family is in the habit of swaying to counteract the crazy. She moves left, they move right, balance is restored (temporarily). Life goes on. People move on to boats of their own.

The boat-rocker can't survive in a boat by herself. She's never had to face the consequences of her rocking. She'll tip over. So she finds an enabler: someone so proud of his boat-steadying skills that he secretly (or not so secretly) lives for the rocking.

The boat-rocker escalates. The boat-steadier can't manage alone, but can't let the boat tip. After all, he's the best boat-steadier ever, and that can't be true if his boat capsizes, so therefore his boat can't capsize. How can they fix the situation?

Ballast!

And the next generation of boat-steadiers is born.

A born boat-steadier doesn't know what solid ground feels like. He's so used to the constant swaying that anything else feels wrong and he'll fall over. There's a good chance the boat-rocker never taught him to swim either. He'll jump at the slightest twitch like his life depends on it, because it did.

When you're in their boat, you're expected to help steady it. When you decline, the other boat-steadiers get resentful. Look at you, just sitting there while they do all the work! They don't see that you aren't the one making the boat rock. They might not even see the life rafts available for them to get out. All they know is that the boat can't be allowed to tip, and you're not helping.

Now you and your DH get a boat of your own. With him not there, the balance of the boat changes. The remaining boat-steadiers have to work even harder.

While a rocking boat is most concerning to those inside, it does cause ripples. The nearby boats start to worry. They're getting splashed! Somebody do something!

So the flying monkeys are dispatched. Can't you and DH see how much better it is for everyone (else) if you just get back on the boat and keep it steady? It would make their lives so much easier.

You know what would be easier? If they all just chucked the bitch overboard.

You've not set any ultimatums but you've made your stance clear - no contact with SIL. If the PIL don't like it, tough. If your DH won't make a decision himself that's his problem not yours. Just tell PIL you're happy to see them but not the SIL, you're happy for DH to see SIL but you and your children wont be having any contact with her. They're adults, they should realise at this stage not everyone is going to get on and just deal with it.

If they throw their toys out of the pram or go no contact then it shows how little regard they place on your DH and their grandchildren.