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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not to see in-laws over this

131 replies

atsoftplay · 03/01/2023 10:02

I have been married coming up to 9 years and have a 3 month baby.
When I met dh his sister was incredibly hostile to me and has never accepted me, after years of her unfriendliness which has got worse since ds was born I decided I didn't need her in my life and would go no contact.
However here's the predicament, dh parents won't see me unless I see his sister as they feel I'm excluding her and they come as a family or not at all and dh won't see his DP without me as he says we come as a family too or not at all.

I now feel it's down to me to tolerate his sister so he can have a relationship with his DP although he says he'd happily go no contact if I don't want to see them which makes me feel guilty that it's all down to me.
I genuinely don't wish to have a relationship with his sister but nor do I want to be the reason they don't have contact either which has devastated his sister but dh isn't bothered because he can see how she treats me.
So aibu to have no contact with sil despite the consequences for the rest of the family I have suggested dh see them without me but he won't budge saying if I don't want to go WE won't. Battling with conscience here.

OP posts:

Original poster

atsoftplay · 03/01/2023 10:52

Why is your DH telling you stuff she has texted him privately? Is he a bit if a drama queen?
No I saw this pop up on his phone which was beside me, I glanced as it lit up but this isn't about individual things it's her general hatred.

OP posts:

SugarplumFairyyy · 03/01/2023 10:55

Put it back on SIL and say until she can start acting kindly towards you, then you won't tolerate being around her. End of.

AmandaHoldensLips · 03/01/2023 10:56

You really don't need people like that in your life. They do nothing but bring stress and misery.

If your DH's family have decided to turn it all into a big drama with ultimatums, then that's down to them. Similarly, if your DH decides not to see them, then that's up to him.

However, you are perfectly entitled not to have anything to do with your SIL. (I bloody hate people like that.)

parietal · 03/01/2023 11:00

It really is a pity if a family splits apart like this.

If you can attend events with PIL but not speak to the SIL, that might be a reasonable compromise. If she continues to be rude, you can leave.

I would encourage DH to maintain his relationship with PIL separate from SIL.

Kitkatcatflap · 03/01/2023 11:02

She's in her late 30's and in a relationship! Was not expecting that OP. She sounds like a big spoiled baby. Why on earth are her are his parents accomodating such behaviour? Okay, to be a bit reserved in the beginning but after 9 years and a baby. Why do they get to say 'it's her and not us' yet demand that YOU include her. If she doesn't like you why does she want to be included anyway?

I think your DH is trying to have your back but in doing so has shifted the onus onto you. Does the sister live with her parents? Can your DH not visit his parents without you? A surprise visit with the baby to give you break and he gets to keep the relationship going so you don't bother.

Aftersevens · 03/01/2023 11:06

SIL sounds like a spoilt child. In your position I’d simply ignore her nastiness, like you would a child. Invite her, be polite to her and just ignore anything nasty she says. Don’t let it bother you. You can’t change her but you can decide to not let her affect you.
Your DH sounds lovely btw.

GabriellaMontez · 03/01/2023 11:07

She sounds horrible. Don't blame you for wanting nothing to do with her. I'd do the same.

Continue to send birthday cards to IL. Up to them if they want to stop seeing you.

Would you go to an event if she was there? Eg a family wedding? Or do you mean you want invite her over?

SugarplumFairyyy · 03/01/2023 11:07

What did she do recently after birth of DC that has pushed you to the point if no contact?

Schnooze · 03/01/2023 11:09

You make your reasonable decision. You are not then responsible for your DH’s.

PomBearWithoutHerOFRS · 03/01/2023 11:10

Just tell in-laws "why are you so set on sil and I being in the same place when she has spent nine years making her dislike of me plain? I don't want to see her, she's rude/hostile/bitchy (whatever fits) and I am not going to tolerate it any more. You say it's not you, it's her, and I agree, so am happy to see you. She is not welcome."
You are not under any obligation to tolerate shitty behaviour from her or anyone else. Just because she's related to your husband doesn't give her some kind of special pass to behave badly. Stand your ground. Life is way too short to take her shit !

Bookworm20 · 03/01/2023 11:10

At the end of the day, they are ones giving the ultimatum. All you have done is simply say you no longer want to see this partciular member of his family who has been repeatedly horrible to you. And thats your choice entirely and I don't blame you.

You haven't excluded anyone else from seeing anyone. They are ones who have now escalated everything.

Let them crack on. I'd make it clear to DH that you are not stopping him seeing anyone and that is entirely his choice, but make it clear YOU are not the person putting this choice on him. His family are. Don't let his family railroad you into seeing someone who is horrible to you, by effectively emotional blackmail.

You are not the one stopping anyone elses contact. They are.

mamas12 · 03/01/2023 11:11

I had this it was a kind of jealousy which I found quite icky
the family were enmeshed and I couldn’t’fight’ it
this is not on you I understand your dp leaving the decision to you as he probably hasn’t really opposed them in this way before but as you’ve understood that makes you the bad guy
i would ask your dp to say to them all that you will meet somewhere neutral for the first few times and he expects them to be kind and considerate as will you
then when she does start then you will leave and have nothing to do with her
your dp then can say to parents you both tried so if they want to see grandkids then they need to see your little family without her
good luck

Xrays · 03/01/2023 11:14

How old was sil when all that happened? It doesn’t completely excuse it but if she’s 30ish now (unless I’ve misread) and this was 9 years ago we’re saying she was 21ish? That’s really young and she probably thought you’d never see the texts to her brother. I’d be inclined to cut her some slack for the sake of getting on with everyone and be prepared to just start over - obviously that works both ways and she also has to do the same. Seems a shame to lose everyone over it.

I say that as someone who has no contact whatsoever with dhs family - and neither does he. We cut them out about 6 years ago after they all refused to acknowledge Ds autism and essentially put all the other grandchildren above him and his needs (we never expected the reverse; just some consideration and things like not singing happy birthday loudly in his face at a family party when we’d explicitly told them he is terrified of music and singing - if they’d warned us we would have just happily taken him out for a walk in the garden at that point and come back in again. And so on and so, so many examples)!

Butchyrestingface · 03/01/2023 11:19

It's his parents making the ultimatums, not you. So you needn't feel guilty on that front. What do they say about their daughter's behaviour towards you?

I am a bit surprised by this though:

his DP although he says he'd happily go no contact if I don't want to see them

Does your husband not get along with his parents? I'd have been devastated if my mother threatened me with such an ultimatum, not "happily" offer to go no contact with her.

catclimbedtree · 03/01/2023 11:23

SIL is late 30s according to OP so this isn't something we can blame on youth even taking 9 years off.

I agree with Pom with "Just tell in-laws why are you so set on sil and I being in the same place when she has spent nine years making her dislike of me plain? I don't want to see her, she's rude/hostile/bitchy (whatever fits) and I am not going to tolerate it any more. You say it's not you, it's her, and I agree, so am happy to see you. She is not welcome."

I think it is brilliant your Dh being completely on your side. After 9 years I wouldn't be all forgiving which is what the PIL want as then you can all play happy families but SIL is nasty, why should she get a free pass? She isn't going to change and I wouldn't want her around me or my child.

So the deal is you don't see his parents. That is on them, not you. They have set the criteria.

DisforDarkChocolate · 03/01/2023 11:24

I'd stick with no contact for several reasons -

She's had a lot longer than she deserved to learn to be polite.
Allowing one family member's poor behaviour in this way is never a good idea, let her see the consequences of her behaviour (and let the parents see what they have enabled)
Your husband is backing you up because he sees how badly they are all behaving, stand with him
Allowing your child to see you being treated badly is never a good idea. Good luck.

starfishmummy · 03/01/2023 11:26

Why is your DH telling you stuff she has texted him privately? Is he a bit if a drama queen?

Why wouldn't he discuss her texts with his wife considering the situation? Are you the sister?

Northernparent68 · 03/01/2023 11:26

RunLolaRun102 · 03/01/2023 10:46

Your DH needs to man up and either be confident enough to see them alone (with baby) or cut them off. He shouldn’t be putting the decision making on you, that’s not fair.

The husband is backing up his wife by not going, if he goes alone he’s condoning the sil behaviour.

ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 03/01/2023 11:27

They are blackmailing you aren't they? They are not nice people at all and this is not the way to deal with the problem making it your problem when it is theirs.

GerbilsForever24 · 03/01/2023 11:30

If DH is so close to his family, and you don't care fi he spends time with them without you, I don't understand why he's refusing to do that? I get on just fine with my in laws, but DH spends LOADS of time with them without me. I like them. They like me. and we spend time together when necessary. But ultimately, DH is their son and my DC are their DGC .

Blanketpolicy · 03/01/2023 11:32

His choice. Just ask that he makes it clear to his DPs and his sister that you are actively encouraging him to keep in touch with them so he and your children have a relationship with their grandparents and it is his choice, and his choice alone, to cut all contact with them.

diddl · 03/01/2023 11:32

I have suggested dh see them without me but he won't budge saying if I don't want to go WE won't. Battling with conscience here.

Good for your husband.

A sensible man not letting his wife be treated badly & not tolerating shit from his parents.

Don't feel bad at all Op-they aren't worth it & will be no loss by the sounds of things.

Tamarindtree · 03/01/2023 11:35

Do the parents are aware their daughter hates you and is openly nasty and or rude to you and instead of saying to their daughter that she is embarrassing them and should grow up, they are indulging her bad behaviour and insisting that she is always there whenever you and your husband meet up?

I would go jo contact with all three of them until his parents apologise and agree to see you without her being there.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 03/01/2023 11:39

This all sounds very pathetic in that no one can have relationships with single members of family without the rest of the family tagging along.
It's all very co-dependent in both sides.

Op nope, I wouldn't be seeing them but I'd tell my husband to just visit his parents if he wants to see them.

Coi123 · 03/01/2023 11:39

I cut my toxic, nasty, jealous bully of a sil out of my life a few years ago and it was the best thing I ever did. Putting up with it just to keep my DHL’s husband was having a huge impact on my mental health and the only thing I regret was not doing it sooner. PIL, although sympathised and saw exactly where I was coming from, are too soft to call her out on her bs so that did put a strain on things for a while but things are ok now. However, whatever they thought I didn’t care as it wasn’t enough to be treated like absolute shit. SIL is now happy as she has her mum and dad all to herself and dh has always had a bad relationship with her so he’s happy too. PIL see us separately but want us all to be friends again now we’ve had children but there’s no way my children will be allowed near her. Good for you for setting your boundaries op, you are not in the wrong here.

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