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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I feel bad even writing this - do they get it

313 replies

Bigcrane · 03/01/2023 07:08

I feel awful even writing this but it makes me so low

I try and be a good daughter, and a sister to my only brother, and their families

I pick up the financial brunt - just paid the bulk (75% I think) of a 5k family trip away, hosted Xmas, paid for the panto trip for all, paid for the Santa day out at a theme park, paid for the kids activities etc whilst away on trip.

We do earn more then my brother and his wife, and my parents are retired with savings but less income (obviously) .

I do this because I love them. But I just don't think they make the connection between my effort and that cash. I work massively hard to get promotion, do hours of unpaid work, juggle all this with 2 under 6. My husband does the same. Both full time and it's tough.

All the time we were away my mother kept saying "you really need to work less hard", with my sister in law nodding away. Whilst sat in the cottage I had paid for. No one really acknowledged the financial cost to me of all these lovely things we did. All the time mum saying " I hope your resolution is to work less"

I know I'm an idiot just not to stop doing it - and I'll be told that here. I just don't seem to be able to do it, as I want us to be able to do these nice things together and my parents genuinely can't afford it. I do however want them to get the link between my effort and our good times and just say thankyou. Am I an idiot?

OP posts:
ridiculoso82 · 03/01/2023 10:48

Lovely stuff to do with family (you love and enjoy their company…. So many on mumsnet don’t seem to!) is a long walk with a flask of hot choc, simple lunch around one of your homes then after lunch board games and then older kids take younger relatives off, meeting for brunch somewhere cheap and cheerful, and everyone throws in their family share.

DelurkingLawyer · 03/01/2023 10:49

My FIL used to say, “gifts are sticky”, meaning that they create all sorts of unintended connections, obligations and discontents.

You only have to look at all the threads (unwanted presents from DP/PIL, resentment at being expected to pay for a freeloading friend, feeling patronised by those who always treat others, not wanting DP/PIL to buy the “first” item for baby) to see that it’s rarer than one might think to give or receive a gift with no strings at all.

It’s no surprise that OP’s family might have complicated feelings about her behaviour, including genuine concern for OP overworking, at the same time as a sense of entitlement that they find hard to admit to themselves, or trying to make themselves feel better about their place in the family economy by putting her down in some way.

Whether or not OP wants to reduce her hours, the only way of restoring the balance with the family is not to treat them so much. I am sure it is well-meant but it has unintended consequences for the family dynamic.

Sugargliderwombat · 03/01/2023 10:50

maybe they'd be just as happy in a cheaper cottage and going to free christmas events etc. They probably would rather you weren't burnt out and they didn't get the benefit of your salary.

ridiculoso82 · 03/01/2023 10:51

Spending all that on extended family

and you’re not rolling it in yourself AND you have two young children

Really you should be putting all that money towards your mortgage and yours kids. Not massive splurges on extended family Santa trips etc

inthedeepshade · 03/01/2023 10:52

I think it is natural to want to treat your family with the fruits of your labours. It would also be nice of them to acknowledge it! I get why you feel unappreciated. The answer shouldn't be "well just stop treating them then" because they're your family and you love them. You just want them to say thank you and show some appreciation!

I'm in a similar boat. I have worked incredibly hard to build my career and i am generous to my family. At Christmas my dad made some snide comment along the lines of "must be nice to be rich" when I offered to pay for something. It felt like a total slap in the face. I thought he would be proud of me. I actually think that in some cases your (one's) family's feelings about you, good or bad, are generally so unconditional that they are impervious to career success or failure. Maybe that's what is going on for you OP?

AdoraBell · 03/01/2023 10:54

I think your resolution should be to spend less. If you and your family want to do the same next Christmas then have a conversation about the costs, hue to split them on a less expensive option.

Verbena17 · 03/01/2023 10:55

The reason for doing nice things is not to get praise or thanks.
i realise you’re doing nice things and in your mind, perhaps you believe it will hold your family together more but I’m sure that’s not true.

Why the need for a big family 5k holiday away?
Why not all chip in for a family bbq round at your mum and dad’s or something.

That being said, it’s tedious doing nice things for others all the time and them not seeming grateful, however, if you keep on doing it, they will perhaps think you’re easily financially able to do those things and that you enjoy doing those things.

At the point where you are bogged down with doing them and life in general, is the time that you perhaps change and stop doing them.
Think of your own two kids - financially, why don’t you put more money into their savings or nice things to support their futures?

I think there’s a maybe a psychological reason you’re trying very hard to do these things but if you’re doing it to be thanked, it’s for the wrong reasons.
Start free/ cheaper traditions if you still want to do stuff with them all but don’t feel like you need to do it.
A quick pop round your parents for a cuppa and natter is what they’ll only really care about.

Applesonthelawn · 03/01/2023 10:58

It might make them feel bad that they appear to be taking from you. It may make them feel more secure if you were on their level financially. That's no reason to stop working, if that is what is best for you and your family (I generally think it is best for them, but circumstances vary).
I'm also a high earning, manically hard worker and I think it generally makes other people feel bad, so I stopped sharing any of it many decades ago. It seems to work better that way. No-one knows what I earn, and I don't really flash it around anyway.

Schnooze · 03/01/2023 10:59

If they say thanks at some point then that’s enough. They shouldn’t need to have to gush. Take them at their word about the working less hard. It sounds as if they have your best interests at heart.

If they never ever say thanks then that’s just rude.

ridiculoso82 · 03/01/2023 11:00

I could understand wanting to splash out on family if I was single or in a a couple who didn’t have a mortgage

but to have children and / or mortgage and splash out…. No bloody way.

my money is channelled first and foremost in to MY children and paying off my mortgage

StaunchMomma · 03/01/2023 11:04

Next time you're encouraged to work less, just tell them what it would mean in terms of losing the trips and treats. Maybe they already realise this and would be happy to pair it all back if you got to ease off the pedal a bit? It all sounds like quite a lot - having another family member constantly pay for things would really stress me out. I'd feel a bit charity case and a lot guilty!

Families with little money also enjoy their quality time together, OP.

Crunchymum · 03/01/2023 11:05

All the time we were away my mother kept saying "you really need to work less hard", with my sister in law nodding away. Whilst sat in the cottage I had paid for. No one really acknowledged the financial cost to me of all these lovely things we did. All the time mum saying " I hope your resolution is to work less"

I hope you pointed out to your mum that you working is what funded their whole festive period.

I think you have some CF's on your hands here as surely no-one would expect someone else to pay for 75% of a 5k family trip away / the hosting of Xmas / panto trip for all / Santa day out at a theme park / kids activities etc

You need to stop doing it, and you need to tell them to stop passing comment on your life choices given they are more than happy to accept your bloody money.

Mirabai · 03/01/2023 11:06

So did you actually say “It’s my hard work that’s paid for all this”?

It’s difficult to know whether they’re ungrateful or genuinely worried about you.

workinmums · 03/01/2023 11:07

Crunchymum · 03/01/2023 11:05

All the time we were away my mother kept saying "you really need to work less hard", with my sister in law nodding away. Whilst sat in the cottage I had paid for. No one really acknowledged the financial cost to me of all these lovely things we did. All the time mum saying " I hope your resolution is to work less"

I hope you pointed out to your mum that you working is what funded their whole festive period.

I think you have some CF's on your hands here as surely no-one would expect someone else to pay for 75% of a 5k family trip away / the hosting of Xmas / panto trip for all / Santa day out at a theme park / kids activities etc

You need to stop doing it, and you need to tell them to stop passing comment on your life choices given they are more than happy to accept your bloody money.

But this is where many are getting it wrong on this thread.

DID OP FAMILY ASK FOR ALL OF THIS?

That's the first question. So how can they be CF's?

Charlize43 · 03/01/2023 11:10

I specifically stepped away from seeing a friend who liked to buy expensive gifts and book and pay for expensive restaurants because they always came along with the line, 'I know you'd never be able to afford something like this' and the constant reminders that she was a CEO on a six figure salary. I found it grated after a while and it led me to start questioning her motivation.

There was also an element of control attached as well as she would ring up and say 'I've booked tickets for us to see this theatre show next week' without actually being asked if I had any interest in seeing it in the first place. It made me feel uncomfortable and more like a paid companion than friend.

But much worse was hearing her disparage other friends saying 'after all the things I've paid for.'

museumum · 03/01/2023 11:15

Unless your family are very stupid then they will fully realise that working less will mean less money/luxuries but they seem to be telling you that your health - mental and physical is more important to them than these treats you buy them.
I think you should reflect on why they keep saying this to you - are you burnt out or unavailable due to work? I doubt they’d keep saying it if you weren’t working too hard/much.

bridgetreilly · 03/01/2023 11:16

It’s perfectly reasonable to say that you choose to work hard so that you and your family can enjoy the things you want them to. Or you could listen to them and consider working less hard, but having more time to enjoy things that don’t cost as much.

DreamingOfAGreenChristmas · 03/01/2023 11:19

How does your DH feel about this? Working so hard and then spending it all on your family?

How does it affect your 2 small children? Do they reap the benefit in family time to make up for all your extra hours working rather than with them?

I wouldn’t do anything in reaction to their thoughtless comments. Act only in pursuit of what YOU want for your own life.

You have lots of options.

Carry on as you are if it makes you happy. But address their attitude by saying “I work to make sure we can all have times like this”

Carry on your workload, but talk carefully with your DH about how you use your income. Should you save more for your own futures? Bear in mind that it is unlikely that you will have anyone paying for your hols once you retire. Life could be much tougher for your kids, they might be talented but starving artists etc. Would it be best to focus on things within your own family/ saving for kids Uni, your pensions, etc. Your home, to which you can invite your relatives.

Work fewer hours and have more time together within your nuclear family.

You are so generous because you love them, and yet not close enough to say to them that you work because you want to afford these things. They might be horrified! Can you find a moment to have a mini heart to heart with one of them and say ‘I felt really awkward during the conversation about NYRs, and I couldn’t quite work it out. The thing is, DH and I work as we do to pay for the holidays and the fun times out etc. We couldn’t do it on our basic salaries. We love doing these things but I wasn’t sure if you were saying ‘stop!’ “

ridiculoso82 · 03/01/2023 11:21

How does your DH feel about this? Working so hard and then spending it all on your family?
That is a bloody good question

DNBU · 03/01/2023 11:21

You’re not an idiot OP.

Why did you pay 75%, were you paying for your parents?
& if so, why do things the others can’t afford?

isittheholidaysyet · 03/01/2023 11:25

I wonder if you are paying for 'nice' things that they would be happy without (and cant afford), but they go along with because they want to be with you and enjoy spending time with you and want you to enjoy it too.

Some examples from my own family:

We often go on holiday together, we all camp and have been brought up camping, but my dad has started to find camping a struggle now he is older. So when my sister suggested a joint family camping holiday, he immediately suggested, and found, a holiday cottage instead. This meant he had to pay for a lot of my and my sister's costs, because it was out of budget. (He has good savings). We are all thankful and really enjoyed it, but would have enjoyed the camping just as much.

My husband and I like to have a coffee in a cafe now and again, my parents see this as a waste of money, so we often buy them coffee, they enjoy it, but would have been happier without as they see it as a pointless spend.

When my sister holds parties, everything has to be perfect, matching decor and balloons, matching printed invites etc. These things are pointless to us, but we know she spends money on them because it really helps her enjoyment.

Is this the kind of thing which is happening here. Would you be happy to do it your families' way? Or do you need the 'nice' things in order to enjoy the events?

Mariposa123 · 03/01/2023 11:29

My brother in law does this. He seems to equate love with spending money. The problem is he doesn’t really take into account what other people in the family actually want (eg takes parents out for expensive dinners when his father is in a restricted diet for medical reasons, so can’t eat anything on the menu!) so it falls a bit flat. He’s always so busy with work that his parents rarely see him, so I think really would prefer his time than his money.

Crunchymum · 03/01/2023 11:31

workinmums · 03/01/2023 11:07

But this is where many are getting it wrong on this thread.

DID OP FAMILY ASK FOR ALL OF THIS?

That's the first question. So how can they be CF's?

Show quote history

Anyone who accepts a free holiday cottage, free days trips, the free hosting of Christmas etc is a CF in my opinion. Either say No or offer to contribute.

No way on Earth would I accept this from any family members, no matter how much more than me they earn. This is taking aside the fact the people who accepted all this are then questioning why they OP works so much!

Notjustabrunette · 03/01/2023 11:32

My MIL does this. She equates spending money = how much you care about someone. It doesn’t. She complained about how much she spent on a family day out, however no one asked her to spend that, or even expected it.
Maybe you do need to work less and also spend less? You don’t need to be paying for a Santa day out for some else’s kids. I don’t even do that with my kids 😂.

ShimmeringShirts · 03/01/2023 11:34

Not everyone values money and trips and days out the way you seem to. They’ve said yes to spend time with you, sounds like they’d rather you took it easier and they didn’t have to go to all the stuff you plan out. Money isn’t the be all and end all of life and good times, so many people prefer some quality time with their family over money being splashed about.