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Original poster

Was this rude? (Please ignore if your problems are never trivial; this is!)

159 replies

SarahAndQuack · 02/01/2023 12:39

DP and I went to a small party at my boss's home; he'd cooked a roast dinner. DP looked at it and said 'ooh, potato gratin for the third day in a row!' to me. I thought this was rude so said something like 'it all looks really delicious!' Since I'd not acknowledged the comment, DP repeated 'we've had potato gratin three days in a row now!' DP did also, to be fair, say it was delicious. We are now disagreeing. DP thinks it was a perfectly fine comment and doesn't really believe me that it was rude. I think it was rude.

Who is right?

OP posts:
TangledWebofMincemeatDeception · 02/01/2023 13:43

Definitely rude and obnoxious. I would have done the same and offered an out, but clearly she didn’t catch that.

Some people aren’t very clued up on social interactions.

itsgettingweird · 02/01/2023 13:43

"Oh yay - potato gratin - I love it" not rude

Her comments though could be misunderstood as rude because the words won't always be neutral even with the delivery being happily intoned.

Even if "oh wow - I love potato gratin - I'm really pleased to have it again" had been used it would have been less directly negative sounding but could have been misunderstood for sarcasm.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 02/01/2023 13:43

OP played this well by not explicitly stating 'her' and it got the usual "he's an idiot" type of response before OP started adding "her" to posts.

@SarahAndQuack are you really bored? Gender has nothing to do with this at all.

RethinkingLife · 02/01/2023 13:44

SerenaTee · 02/01/2023 12:48

If the delivery implied “yay, I bloody love potato gratin and am happy to have it for the third time in as many days” then it’s a compliment to the host. If the delivery implied “fucks sake, not potato gratin AGAIN” then it’s rude.

That's what crossed my mind. Part of me would be thrilled to have roast potato/gratin for 3 days. I'd be thinking, this really is the festive feasting implied in the holiday.

It all comes down to the delivery and the nature of the follow-up.

ineedasweatshirt · 02/01/2023 13:44

Really rude. I'd be so insulted if I were the host.

Original poster
SarahAndQuack · 02/01/2023 13:44

fancyacuppatea · 02/01/2023 13:36

He's obviously a bit thick if he didn't catch on to your hint to belt up.

She's definitely not the least bit thick. She's an intelligent woman (which I guess is why it bugs me; it's not as if she couldn't get her mind around this).

OP posts:
TangledWebofMincemeatDeception · 02/01/2023 13:44

Mind you, reading it again it she did add that it was delicious. So she did fix it a bit!

Original poster
SarahAndQuack · 02/01/2023 13:45

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 02/01/2023 13:43

OP played this well by not explicitly stating 'her' and it got the usual "he's an idiot" type of response before OP started adding "her" to posts.

@SarahAndQuack are you really bored? Gender has nothing to do with this at all.

I think you mean the other poster who asked me this, not me!

OP posts:
ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 02/01/2023 13:46

Commenting on the food at a social gathering is considered gauche and tacky. Presumably you are there for the company, and the food is tangential.

People who can't think of any other conversational topics need to work on their interpersonal skills.

Floweryflora · 02/01/2023 13:47

I’m not sure it was rude as such, mote clumsy and awkward. Something I’d expect a child to say, one who had yet to learn any manners.

Anotherbloomingchristmas · 02/01/2023 13:48

My ex bil asked a mutual friend whose father had spent a short time in prison ‘how’s the jail bird.’
My dsis was furious.
I wasn’t surprised tbh, he’s from Yorkshire.

PenanceAdair · 02/01/2023 13:50

SarahAndQuack · 02/01/2023 13:39

No; I just figured it wasn't relevant here. Often it is, I realise. I would NC if I thought it was important to be gender neutral, but didn't.

Show quote history

Oh I agree it isn't relevant; it was simply a funny observation of how some posters tend to respond depending on the sex of the subject.

NegroniLover · 02/01/2023 13:52

Very rude & I would not be impressed if I were the host.

wildseas · 02/01/2023 13:53

I think that this is one of those tricky rules which depends a bit on the nature of the relationship.

If I had my sister or a close friend over and served something they don’t like, or something they’d eaten 2 days in a row I would feel comfortable with them saying so.

If I had my team over for dinner and one of their partners who I don’t know commented like this I would think it was rude. not a deal breaker but not polite

ivykaty44 · 02/01/2023 13:55

if id cooked your dh and you potato gratin and he declared it was the third day in a row he had eaten it, I would think he was being rude. It's as if the host should have known what he'd eaten and he wanted something different.

I had people for dinner back in the summer, 4 of them had previously been for dinner some 3 months prior and id made a particular dish which they had raved about.

So I made it again along with another choice for pudding, the one guest that hadn't previously eaten with his declared that she didn't like either of the desserts id made - I found that rude, its not a restaurant love. It would have been polite to decline and say she was full from the main course and starter...no need to say it

some people don't know when to keep their mouth shut and smile sweetly

caringcarer · 02/01/2023 13:55

Dreadfully rude he said it the first and unbelievable he repeated it.

lottiegarbanzo · 02/01/2023 13:59

Of course it's rude. I'd be a bit put-out as a host even if the implication was 'oh yummy, I love this, so great to have my favourite again!' because I'd want to be allowed to feel I'd done something special and well thought-out. It would puncture my 'good hosting' bubble.

Allowing the host that illusion, even if their food is terrible, is part of the ordinary dance of good manners performed by guests and host, together. Host provides, guests appreciate. Ego of host is stroked, their time, effort and thoughtfulness are appreciated, guests are given a meal. Everyone ends the evening happy.

JulesJules · 02/01/2023 14:01

I think it's rude, especially as your host doesn't know your DP very well.

lottiegarbanzo · 02/01/2023 14:01

And 'if you have nothing nice to say, say nothing' is a pretty simple social rule. This wasn't nasty but it wasn't nice either. There is just no need nor benefit to voicing every thought out loud.

blueshoes · 02/01/2023 14:07

Apologies if I missed it but I am not clear whether this comment was said within earshot of the host and other guests or whether your dp thought it was a private comment to you. The fact that you said it is a small party and you could not respond to her directly seems to suggest that others can hear.

It makes a difference whether it is a private comment or one to the table or within earshot of the table.

If it is not just directed at you, it is rude and shows a lack of how others could perceive her comment: 1. it is not relevant to anybody that it is the 3rd time in a row she has eaten it (quite a self-absorbed comment) and 2. the host would perceive it as a lack of imagination on their part, same ol, same ol despite the clear effort that has gone into it. To repeat it is criminal.

Does your dp cook?

blueshoes · 02/01/2023 14:08

And it is your boss' party. If I were you my heart would sink. Your boss will connect your dp with this comment.

MeridianB · 02/01/2023 14:21

FlirtyMelons · 02/01/2023 12:40

It's rude, why would he even comment. Its the sort of thing a 5 yo would say, or my teen autistic DS who has no filter.

First post nails it!

TangledWebofMincemeatDeception · 02/01/2023 14:22

It was obviously within earshot of host and possibly others, otherwise OP wouldn't have to worry about whether or not it was rude.

starfishmummy · 02/01/2023 14:26

Rude if there was any chance the hosts could have heard! As a whisper to you when they were not nearby, not so much so.

Strugglingtodomybest · 02/01/2023 14:27

SarahAndQuack · 02/01/2023 13:42

Sorry, how do you mean, ignored her?

I don't want to tell her what she can or can't say, but I wanted to know whether other people would have thought this was rude, or not, because I feel there's a pattern of her saying things that I think offend people, and then her wondering why people are offended. She hasn't asked for help with social skills and I think finds it all upsetting (and it would be for me, too, and god knows I get things wrong often too). But she does sometimes ask why people don't include us/DD more.

Show quote history

Sorry, I see on scrolling back that you actually said, "Since I'd not acknowledged the comment, DP repeated 'we've had potato gratin three days in a row now!'" and I think a pp translated it to you ignoring her. Either way, "ignore" or not acknowledged" are similar enough. She repeated herself for your benefit, not to be rude to the host.

I think if she's asking why you two are being excluded from things, it's fair enough to tell her that she's maybe a bit insensitive at times. But honestly, I am truly shocked to read how so many people find this comment rude to the point that they'd ask someone to leave, or not invite them back, and so your DP might struggle to get her head round it too. She stated a fact, and she was happy about that fact. Surely a host wants guests to be happy and pleased with the menu?