Was this rude? (Please ignore if your problems are never trivial; this is!)

[SarahAndQuack]

DP and I went to a small party at my boss's home; he'd cooked a roast dinner. DP looked at it and said 'ooh, potato gratin for the third day in a row!' to me. I thought this was rude so said something like 'it all looks really delicious!' Since I'd not acknowledged the comment, DP repeated 'we've had potato gratin three days in a row now!' DP did also, to be fair, say it was delicious. We are now disagreeing. DP thinks it was a perfectly fine comment and doesn't really believe me that it was rude. I think it was rude.

Who is right?

This is the kind of thing my DD would say. But then she's only 11, and autistic.

I inwardly cringe a little bit sometimes and just hope that whoever we're with understands and doesn't think she's being rude.

If my adult DH said that however I'd be pretty annoyed.

Sorry just saw your answer to this. It's her way of communication - does the host know her well? If so I'm sure he would have understood.

We all want to know if the host heard op?

But as you said yourself you gave her an “out” with the way you responded the first time. For her to then repeat it shows she’s not very good at picking up signals and she’s seemingly not got good social skills or manners. Her comment was rude and unnecessary.

I agree with @unclebuck as I too would struggle being out to someone’s house for dinner with a partner like that.

Yes, very rude.

Definitely rude.

My children are Autistic (as am I) and they sometimes say things like this and don't understand why they are rude. I tell them they don't have to understand why it's rude, just that it is and then I give them alternative things they could say instead in similar situations.

I think you need to do that with your partner.

Serena said what I was going to. What was her tone of voice? If it was quite light and high then I'd assume she was happy, if it was quite slow, lower toned I'd assume she was annoyed.
But even so, if it was only audible to you then it's not rude it's an observation. Ignoring her because you decided she shouldn't have said it is rude and patronising and how we treat children.

Rude and weird to repeat it.

Maybe explain to dp that if they say something rude or inappropriate you will ignore the comment, as you did this time, so no need to repeat.

Maybe they thought you had forgotten this was the 3rd time to having this dish?

Even if her tone was happy, it's still rude

Yes this rude; very thoughtless to the cook

It was pretty rude to say it in front of the host, and then to repeat it, like he thought it was witty/funny is doubleplus rude.

However, who the fork serves a roast dinner without roast spuds? Your boss is definitely being unreasonable! I suppose you should be grateful it wasn’t just boiled potatoes.

First time sounds like one of those things it’s all too easy to blurt out without thinking (and instantly regret). To repeat it though and expect a reaction is really rude.

One things for sure, he won’t cook it if he ever invites you both round again.

Really surprised by these responses as I don’t think it’s rude at all, and as a host I wouldn’t be offended, I’d think nothing more than ‘haha what are the chances of me cooking the same thing they’ve eaten two days in a row’

Yes it’s rude. If your partner is autistic what you need to explain to her is that most hosts would try to make an effort and go to the trouble of cooking something delicious and maybe even a treat (ie something rarely served). If she then tells him she’s been eating it for days she risks expressing that he’s failed as a host. SHE may know she’s happy to eat the same thing 3 days in a row but he probably doesn’t know that and assumes it’s displeasing.

Even then it’s not great as the host probably went out of their way to make something they thought was a bit different. The remark implies that however much the DP likes it, it is pretty standard for her.

Honestly as a host I’d be pissed off to spend half the morning thinly slicing potatoes and layering them only to be told it’s as exciting as cold sick.

I do wonder if your partner is one of those quiet people who only occasionally speaks up and then comes out with something like this. I’ve got a friend with one of these and I’ve watched her squirm on occasion as the comments are then even more noticeable.

Rude.

I agree with pp who're saying that this is the sort of thing an autistic person (not just a child) would say; it's simply making an observation rather than passing judgement.

However, OP hasn't said her dp is autistic.

Either way, it is rude and your dp has to know they were rude so as not to repeat such remark. Even autistic people have to learn that regardless of intention, some things are not to be said/done.

It was thoughtless in a 'foot in mouth' type of way. He needs to think before he opens his mouth.

Thank god! I thought I was the only one utterly confused by the replies.

OP, I don't see this as rude, it was just a fact. If I'd overheard (did the host hear?) It, I'd have laughed about what a coincidence it was, and how we hardly ever have gratin and now it's like waiting for a bus etc etc.

I don't know why you ignored her, I find that ruder to be honest, plus telling her what she can and can't say is rather controlling, unless of course she's asked you to help her with her social skills for some reason?

Tricky. Sort of the king my autistic sister would say and not really mean it in a bad or good way. Just a factual observation. Depends if your boss knows her and her ways?

However, who the fork serves a roast dinner without roast spuds? Your boss is definitely being unreasonable! I suppose you should be grateful it wasn’t just boiled potatoes.

It wasn’t roast spuds, it was potato gratin which is far more effort than sticking cut up spuds in fat.

On a other note, OP played this well by not explicitly stating 'her' and it got the usual "he's an idiot" type of response before OP started adding "her" to posts. I wonder if it was intentional on OP's part?

Either way, well played. Lol

Rude!

we’d had Shepard’s pie the night before, then had the rest for lunch, went to a friends that evening and got it for dinner.

never ever would we have mentioned it. Must admit it was a month or more before we had it again 🤣