To regret having children?

[Cinderellasslipper]

Anyone else miss being childfree?

YABU - no way

YANBU - yes I have regrets too

@BlueHorse88
It was me who said that women with older children don't complain as much as those with younger kids because the whole experience has floored them to some extent. Not all women obviously.

Yes, I think a lot of us become institutionised by the unrelenting rhythms of caring and mothering. It wears some of us down so much that there is a loss of a sense of self along with a great deal of suffering.

Yet, we can't get off the bus...

I agree but I also think parenting in the past was much more hands off and I’d argue less pressure in a way.

One parent (the mother) was much less likely to work, I don’t think I can overestimate how difficult we are finding working full time (well DH works an 80% week) with keeping a house clean, quality meals cooked and a child fulfilled and happy. It was so much easier when I was on maternity leave. Unfortunately we can’t afford us both not to work.

You are also expected to be much more engaged and present with your child than in the past. Not saying that’s wrong but it’s a lot more pressure. You are expected to go to child lead activities and days out, do sensory activities etc. I’m early 30s and it felt normal to me and my friends then to just be dragged along to whatever my parents wanted to do. I want to be better for my own child but it’s a lot to take on.

@Flapjackquack Yes exactly that!! I always felt like I fitted into my parent's lives, not the other way around. They didn't go around kids stuff, they just took me to museums and attractions they were interested in - and they also both worked part time and could still easily afford everything. They cooked meals they wanted to eat and if I didn't like it, well, "you won't starve" and that was the end of the conversation! I mostly find parenting depressing because I have no time.

@Cherryblossoms85 - Yes completely agree with everything you’ve said! I had one parent at home and one at work in a blue collar role but we still lived fine in a 3 bed house in the Home Counties, had 1 UK or European holiday a year (normally driving to France). We were often taken to things my Dad was interested in and would be sent to bed early when they wanted friends round for a dinner party. No real discussion of what we wanted for dinner or thoughts about going somewhere for us specifically. Parents always got a much nicer dinner than us in terms of nice steak etc. Softplay (or the ball park as we used to call it!) was a twice a year treat.

My childhood was not pleasant for many reasons but the bit I’ve written above was definitely a normal shared experience with my friends.

I don't have any children, not through choice it just didn't happen. I never had a huge drive though and so didn't go down the IVF route etc. It almost felt like a sub-conscious relief every month when my period came. That wrestling with the feeling I was missing out, falling behind and that one day I would come to regret it if I never had children. The ship has long since sailed.

I think it does a disservice to some childless women to say it is all about the lifestyles, holidays etc. For me it was not that at all. I think my greatest fear of having children was anxiety. I suffered badly from anxiety as a child based around people I loved being hurt or dying. The anxiety has stayed with me on and off throughout life. Fingers crossed I cope with it a little better now.

I think the anxiety of being responsible for a child's life would have probably killed me - or at the very least had a detrimental impact upon the child. I honestly have no how idea how parents cope with it all sometimes.

I love my children and now I know them I'd miss them but I wish I hadn't have had them. I wouldn't have known what I was missing. My body is broken. I'm unbearably tired. I miss my hobbies and my old relationship with my husband. We are still in love but we just co-exist in some kind of crazy sleep deprived bubble

I put YANBU because you're not being unreasonable. I don't regret having mine, at all. One of the best things I've ever done etc. But I know enough people who do regret having had their kid/s to know that's it's perfectly normal to feel that way, it's just such a taboo people rarely talk about it.

Think about anything else in life that requires an immense amount of physical change, pain, physical trauma, lack of sleep for months on end, huge financial commitment, loss of opportunities and income, less freedom, and you'd soon see why it's normal to have regrets!

When my mum was alive her biggest piece of advice for life was 'don't have kids'.

She had three, first when she was barely into her twenties. It was an enormous amount of pressure on her and she got married and had kids early without much choice in the matter because that was just what you did in those days. I feel so thankful to live in a time and location where I could choose whether I wanted to try for a child or not, and when. I think waiting until you're more established is much more common and leads to people having kids they really want and are ready for rather than just popping them out in early adulthood because it's the default and hard to go against the grain. My mother had a child before she even knew what she wanted from life.

FWIW, I'm not saying you'll necessarily ever tell your kids your feelings, but as a child of a parent who wishes they hadn't had kids I understood and it didn't cause me any harm, she was still an incredible mother and I loved her even more for learning that she was the mother she was despite having regrets about entering into it. Made me realise just how much she sacrificed to do a good job of it.

@PurpleButterflyWings
I also can't get my head around people not wanting children. They bring so much to your life, and give you feelings and emotions you never knew existed.
I really do feel a bit sad for those who don't experience it because they chose not to have children (or they can't have them.) Sad

Well don't bother feeling sad for me or for my friends and family who have chosen to be childfree. We are all extremely happy thank you.

Why can you not understand people not wanting children? What an incredibly narrowminded view.

Personally I am amazed so many people do want children.

I didn't want my body or my marriage ruined by a child. I didn't want years and years of stress and worry about any children. The world is overpopulated and not a particularly nice place (only going to get a lot worse with climate change, rising sea levels, food shortages etc) so why on earth would I want to bring yet more humans into it?

I am pretty sure it is not coincidence that most of my friends with children are divorced and yet none of my childfree friends are. All of us have long happy marriages of at least 25 years.

Amazed that someone can go from infertility/IVF to regretting having a child. Careful what you wish for as they say I guess, but still

Well I went from infertility/IVF to being relieved I never had a child and being more than OK with it. I truly feel it was for the best. 20 years ago I never imagined that I would be feeling this OK with it.

And I totally respect @TotallyAverage for being so honest.

Having IVF doesn't prevent parenthood from being much more difficult and all encompassing than you could imagine.

@DHbillyNoMates

I was just going to post to take issue with point 3 raised by @PuttingOnTheKitsch if you have a Child with any sort of Disabilities you do not get downtime.

I Love my DD and don't regret having her, but my god it is so hard.

I don’t mind being asked at all. I found the antagonistic Ex the hardest, that really got to me and I did have several periods of feeling quite down. Struggling with money and no support.

I think one of the main ways I coped was by realising I couldn’t do it all, I tried holding up the big career, single mum, mortgage and keeping everyone happy for a few years. Realised I was going to break. I thought about what was really important to me. I swapped the big career for a lower paid job term time only, that allowed me to drop off and pick up the kids every day. I stopped most contact with the Ex, simplified the arrangements. I moved nearer family, and got out and got more of a life for myself with fantastic friends. So I gave up career, money and pleasing everyone for feeling better as a parent, closer to my kids, more time, better family relationships and also became a musician again so I had something else to fulfill me.

I’m still broke. If I hadn’t given up my career I’d have paid off my mortgage, had a fantastic pension and be quite respected. But you know what I don’t regret it at all. My kids and me are very close, we have a great relationship and my child with SEN is doing really well. We are all quite close to my family. We’ve loads of great memories to look back on. I will just have to get used to porridge and soup and working into my 70s, but for the emotional security it’s worth it!

This is really interesting to hear as I'm currently grappling with this. My children have SEN and hate change, and have been through a lot already in that regard. I've been lone parenting them since they were babies (ex-H has no contact due to his behaviour). I have moved them to a nice home but have a huge mortgage.

My work is flexible and secure and due to working so hard before I had them I earn six figures. BUT I have physical disabilities which are gradually getting worse because I cannot prioritise my health and am constantly exhausted, not "present" enough with them, and feel like I'm missing out on a lot of time with them. But now both are at school, I am not sure how much benefit there would be to me cutting back work and moving to another area and causing them upheaval. I'm also autistic myself so not sure I could cope with that as for the first time in my life I feel settled and have great local friends and support and love where we are.

We don't live near my family but even if we did they wouldn't help, they never have even on visits or joint holidays etc, so that isn't an option for me. And they're settled at school, have great friends and support here as do I. I'm not sure what the answer is but between the mortgage, being taxed way more than a two parent family with the same income and having to pay for specialist childcare for wrap around (after school clubs/ holiday clubs aren't appropriate for them and I cannot work full time and cover it all).

I don't know what the best thing I should do is but there's so little support and we're hugely penalised by the tax system for being a single parent single income household. A thread on here recently opened my eyes to the fact that due to our various disabilities, if I blew all the equity, gave up my job and rented we'd be significantly better off financially than we are with me making huge sacrifices in health and time with my children. It really doesn't seem fair.

At times yes I do regret it, especially now that my 2 adopted DDs have hit puberty (13 and 10). They’re very hard work right now. And DD1 has SEN as well.

It’s very hard to admit that when you fought so hard to be approved to adopt in the first place.

But it really is only at times, and not that I genuinely wish we hadn’t adopted at all. I don’t think it’s the case for my DH either. But it is a very hard slog at times, so I can definitely understand why some parents might regret their decisions to have their DC.

I also can't get my head around people not wanting children. They bring so much to your life, and give you feelings and emotions you never knew existed.

Part of the reason I'm on MN is to try to understand whether motherhood would be for me. So I can't understand how you can make this statement - this whole site is full of threads with people struggling with various aspects of parenting, some of which sound pretty desperate.

Given that it's probably one of the few decisions in life you absolutely can't undo, and you have absolutely no idea what kind of child you will have, I can't get my head around people claiming to know so wholeheartedly they absolutely want children, because how can they possibly know what that will actually mean in reality?

It just looks like an absolutely enormous gamble!

I think it could be harder in some ways, because people expect you to be grateful all the time. But you are still allowed to find it hard.

I don't have any difficulty seeing why someone would want to be childfree and I don't think it's a choice that needs justifying, but I do always raise my eyebrows at 'it would have ruined my marriage'. I really, really wouldn't want to grow old in a relationship that was weak enough that it couldn't have withstood having children.

Ps. You also won't be keeping your body as it is now as you age, whether or not you have children...

So you think children never destroy a marriage? Enough of my friends have said that having children destroyed theirs for me to believe it.

It is well known that children can, and so often do, cause problems in a relationship.

As I said, I don't think it coincidence that my childfree friends have happy marriages whereas so few of my friends with children do.

Of course it is possible to have children and still have a good happy loving marriage but children make it more difficult. Also look at how many couples find when their children move out they no longer have anything in common.

Obviously bodies change as you get older but the damage that can, and often is, caused by childbirth is not something I would want.

I am almost 70 and don't have to get up in the night to wee unlike all the woman I know that have had children. Nor do I need to go to the loo every 20 minutes thank goodness. More like every 5 hours

There is plenty of evidence on here that children alter the dynamic of a relationship profoundly and not always for the better.

I think that stressful situations can reveal existing weaknesses, which is different to creating them. It's true that the man who seems ok when he has no responsibility and a wife who always puts him first can be revealed as an arsehole due to the dynamics of having young children. But he'll be revealed to be one just as surely when something else means he has to step up a bit and that she focuses on something other than him, like if she develops chronic illness or loses a parent. I don't think being married to that man for longer before realising how selfish is he is a win, really.

Also, @mydogisthebest the statistics in your particular social group are indeed coincidence, because couples without children are actually more likely to divorce, not less. You could argue that this is because of logistics rather than greater happiness, but it certainly isn't representative if you know lots of divorced couples with children and no divorced couples who didn't have them.

Also, @mydogisthebest the statistics in your particular social group are indeed coincidence, because couples without children are actually more likely to divorce, not less. You could argue that this is because of logistics rather than greater happiness, but it certainly isn't representative if you know lots of divorced couples with children and no divorced couples who didn't have them.

or couples with children are more likely to stay married because they feel they have no choice but to stay.

Yes, as I said, logistics (plus people who are ideologically opposed to divorce are very unlikely to be childfree by choice). I wasn't trying to argue that children make marriages happier, I don't think they do, but nor do I think they make them worse. I think that, like all of life's ups and downs, how couples react to the joys and strains of children reflect what's already there.

I like that last sentence in particular, @TrippinEdBalls