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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect my DP to make some effort not to really dislike my dogs ?

195 replies

HaggisBurger · 01/01/2023 19:46

So, I say DP but we don’t live together. But in a serious relationship for last 18 months post my divorce. I have 4 kids fairly busy house and two dogs. Think standard issue smallish Cockapoo / non-yappy types.

Both are pretty well behaved I think in the scheme of things. Will happily go into their crate together when directed and curl up together. Easy to walk and past puppy stage of being mental.

They do however bark if they hear the doorbell / someone on the path. They don’t bark otherwise. They sit on the floor or dog beds never sofas or beds or bedrooms. My house does not smell of dogs at all. They don’t shed hair or slobber or fart 😂

i knew when we first met that BF was not a dog person - and that’s ok. In an ideal world he would be but I thought he doesn’t need to love them. I thought the logistics of my kids would be more of an issue tbh - he’s never been married has no kids though has had two long term partners. He’s used to a VERY quiet house and is quite noise sensitive - which I get - I am too.

But it feels like now that the relationship is very established he makes no effort to hide his utter dislike of them. Recoils when they bark at doorbell, when they brush past him. Won’t refer to them by name - just “that dog is at the dishwasher” and so on.

He will come on dog walks but I suppose under sufferance. I just find it really upsetting and hostile. I love him and lots about him - he is thoughtful kind and caring. He does get (and like) that having the dogs makes me feel safer when kids are with their dad and stepmum and im on my own.

I feel that were the situation reversed I’d make some effort to try and overcome this. Say if he had a cat (I’m not madly into cats but if he loved it …)

my dogs are likely to be around for another 5 years. The thought of being with someone who shudders each time they are being … just dogs makes me sad.

He mentioned it last night just after midnight and it kind of spoiled otherwise lovely evening. Would IBU to ask him to see if he could try a little more or AIBU?

OP posts:

Sausagelove · 02/01/2023 16:04

You should not be feeling on edge in your own home or tiptoeing round him explaining what’s normal dog behaviour. If they’re well behaved and not jumping on him he’s nothing to complain about.

Sorry op, I don’t think this is about your dogs. He sounds disrespectful and like he’s becoming a domineering presence in your own home.

Do you think he would comment as much in his male friends home about his dogs? Or openly dislike his male friends dogs? Do you think he would comment quite so openly if perhaps your brother was present?

Mischance · 02/01/2023 16:11

If he doesn't like dogs, he doesn't like dogs. It is not a diagnosis - just a preference. Only he can decide if he wants to live around them. It's OK to like them and OK not to - but if it is central to the OP's life, then her partner will have to decide how much dog smell/behaviour etc. he can cope with.

Sausagelove · 02/01/2023 16:24

It’s ok to not like dogs, cats or any other animal.

What isn’t ok is to go into someone’s home and openly express that dislike to the point you are making that person feel on edge in their own home. That’s really not ok.

This is not about whether he likes them or not. He doesn’t and that’s that.It’s about his disrespectful and rude behaviour. I’ve met many pets I don’t like, I think we probably all have. I have never expressed that dislike to the owner and I have never behaved in such a way as a guest that the owner has to justify them and feel uneasy in their own home.

What on earth has it got to do with him if the dogs near the dishwasher anyway?

Willyoujustbequiet · 02/01/2023 16:24

Yabu tbh. You cant force someone to like the same things you do. Its coercive and controlling. You just have to decide what is most important.

I say that as a dog owner.

Boomboom22 · 02/01/2023 16:30

Hooverthestairs · 02/01/2023 09:20

instead of saying 'Hi' or asking me to call him away, he said 'fuck off mutt'. And out the door he went.

I won't host my BIL in our home due to his lack of tolerance for our dog. Dog has only seen him about 3 times in 5 years so he is naturally an exciting and intriguing person, which BIL has no time for and usually says something like "fuck off you stupid dog".

If you speak about him like that, when he is doing absolutely nothing wrong, you can get out. It's his home and he brings me more joy than BIL does.

Well tbf most dog owners don't allow their dogs to jump up on you and be so out of control so I can't blame him there. Have a little consideration and train your mutt properly!

Original poster

HaggisBurger · 02/01/2023 16:38

@Sausagelove - he is genuinely not a domineering presence in any way. I don’t think this is about control or any weird thing like that. In fairness, I’ve been with him to one of his male friend’s house and they have three dogs. It was a topic of conversation there too about how much he disliked their dogs too.

@Willyoujustbequiet - I really don’t want or expect to force him to like dogs in general or my dogs in particular. That would indeed be coercive.

I’d just like him to be able to conceal his dislike a bit more out of concern for my feelings and acceptance of the fact that I had two petty well-behaved dogs when we met. I didn’t conceal that at all. It might even have been on my dating profile.

OP posts:

Original poster

HaggisBurger · 02/01/2023 16:40

Boomboom22 · 02/01/2023 16:30

Well tbf most dog owners don't allow their dogs to jump up on you and be so out of control so I can't blame him there. Have a little consideration and train your mutt properly!

Show quote history

I don’t think there is any description of @Hooverthestairs ’s dogs jumping up on the BIL or being out of control. The dog may just have been going up to the man and wagging his tail and saying hello.

OP posts:

AlmostAJillSandwich · 02/01/2023 16:55

I have severe OCD and my partners mums dogs semi regularly shit in the house. 3 Jack russels, like to lick hands and faces etc. They stress me out, but i love the little gits 18 months down the line and actually miss them when i've not seen them for a week!

realmsofglory · 02/01/2023 17:00

I think people can change in this respect. DS1 absolutely detested dogs until he was an adult and now has 2 of his own

whataboutsecondbreakfast · 02/01/2023 17:09

realmsofglory · 02/01/2023 17:00

I think people can change in this respect. DS1 absolutely detested dogs until he was an adult and now has 2 of his own

I don't think that's really comparable with what's happening here, though.

ZiriForEver · 02/01/2023 17:43

What is jokey on oi, they were here before you ?
It doesn't sound very friendly or really understanding the dog neutral position, it sounds like "I can't be arsed to make my dogs to behave and you are the only one expected to adjust".

Fingers crossed for your discussion. I suppose there will be a lot to say in both directions.

The positive thing here is, that if you manage it in a civilised way, hearing out each other and with some common understanding and further approach, it would be a great asset to your relationship.

Sausagelove · 02/01/2023 19:40

I’ve been with him to one of his male friend’s house and they have three dogs. It was a topic of conversation there too about how much he disliked their dogs too.

Oh. So he’s rude to other people then. I’d have told him to fuck off out. I wouldn’t tolerate a guest going on about how they dislike my pets. Off you fuck, problem solved.

warmeduppizza · 02/01/2023 21:19

HaggisBurger · 02/01/2023 12:02

@warmeduppizza - that sounds like quite a mature middle ground. Does your DH ever suggest getting a dog now or is it just a non-issue?

No, it’s as if we’ve just moved into a different stage of life now - a bit like when kids fly the nest, I suppose 😌

Original poster

HaggisBurger · 03/01/2023 12:20

@warmeduppizza - I get that. I love my dogs but there is a degree of freedom in not worrying about them when you want to go away, have greater flexibility etc

OP posts:

Overandunderit · 03/01/2023 13:15

Some of the suggestions that your DP isn't a caring or good person for not liking dogs is ridiculous as are the suggestions he's being controlling - these character assassinations of men based on very little evidence is so typical of MN.

Admittedly, he could temper how much he expresses how much he dislikes them to respect your feelings but he's not wrong to refer to them as your dogs, they are -he's being clear that he has no interest in them.

Does he make you happy in every other way? If yes, then just try and get by it.

Mischance · 03/01/2023 14:18

'fuck off mutt' - I have frequently wanted to say just that when out walking! - I am far too polite of course.

Creescendo · 03/01/2023 15:20

Yes, he needs to make an effort to at least tolerate your dogs. As long as they are well behaved and don't bark at him/jump up on him or pester him.
It's your house and they are your dogs and if he wants to visit or stay at yours, then he needs to shut up about the dogs.
You should not have to defend your dogs or justify their existence to him.
Can he at least give you a reason why he doesn't like them?

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 03/01/2023 16:17

I agree with people who don't think that this is all about the dogs.

It seems that the inconvenience of sharing housespace with your dogs is more important to him than your happiness.
You can see how important (or unimportant) you are to him and how far he rates his preferences over your happiness.

Are you being unreasonable and not taking account of his needs/wants on this?

I think not.
You have arranged things so that he doesn't have to take care of them and they are not badly behaved or intrusive - so even if he is not especially keen to have dogs about, they do not cause a particular problem for your DP.

If they were pestering him and you were demanding that he cleans up after them or walks them or cuddles them on the sofa - then I would question whether you really care all that much for him. However it seems that you have been careful to take account of his preference to not have much to do with them.

Should you differ on other matters in future - how will he react?

ZiriForEver · 03/01/2023 21:43

Creescendo · 03/01/2023 15:20

I don't think disliking dogs have to have a reason. There isn't any reason why some like them, someone just do and someone doesn't.

He is performing quite a lot of tolerance already and will over the time. If the dogs start barking loudly everytime someone gets close to the house, it objectively is annoying. Probably it is annoying and still worth having them. Maybe if the fact that it is kind of annoying gets acknowledged, it would be easier for him to accept it.
Of course the OP can ask him to talk about them using names as acknowledgement of her wish (understanding that it doesn't mean he likes them, but him being polite).

XanaduKira · 03/01/2023 21:58

Glitterandcard · 01/01/2023 20:06

He’s unreasonable because he’s making you uncomfortable in your own home. I hate dogs, wouldn’t live with one, wouldn’t even “try” to like them - but I’d never be in a relationship or even go on a date with someone who had one. I mean you’ve got them now, they’re not going anywhere so what is him displaying his dislike for them going to achieve?

I completely agree with this.

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