to expect my DP to make some effort not to really dislike my dogs ?

[HaggisBurger]

So, I say DP but we don’t live together. But in a serious relationship for last 18 months post my divorce. I have 4 kids fairly busy house and two dogs. Think standard issue smallish Cockapoo / non-yappy types.

Both are pretty well behaved I think in the scheme of things. Will happily go into their crate together when directed and curl up together. Easy to walk and past puppy stage of being mental.

They do however bark if they hear the doorbell / someone on the path. They don’t bark otherwise. They sit on the floor or dog beds never sofas or beds or bedrooms. My house does not smell of dogs at all. They don’t shed hair or slobber or fart 😂

i knew when we first met that BF was not a dog person - and that’s ok. In an ideal world he would be but I thought he doesn’t need to love them. I thought the logistics of my kids would be more of an issue tbh - he’s never been married has no kids though has had two long term partners. He’s used to a VERY quiet house and is quite noise sensitive - which I get - I am too.

But it feels like now that the relationship is very established he makes no effort to hide his utter dislike of them. Recoils when they bark at doorbell, when they brush past him. Won’t refer to them by name - just “that dog is at the dishwasher” and so on.

He will come on dog walks but I suppose under sufferance. I just find it really upsetting and hostile. I love him and lots about him - he is thoughtful kind and caring. He does get (and like) that having the dogs makes me feel safer when kids are with their dad and stepmum and im on my own.

I feel that were the situation reversed I’d make some effort to try and overcome this. Say if he had a cat (I’m not madly into cats but if he loved it …)

my dogs are likely to be around for another 5 years. The thought of being with someone who shudders each time they are being … just dogs makes me sad.

He mentioned it last night just after midnight and it kind of spoiled otherwise lovely evening. Would IBU to ask him to see if he could try a little more or AIBU?

Lol @Cassillero - indeed I did not. Seems I had far bigger problems than I realised!!

I’d get the Febreeze out tomorrow but I don’t want to get into how pet owners cause 96.7% of all plastics pollution in the world’s oceans …
But that’s AIBU for you 😄. It’s all good.

You can't get into a relationship with someone who has pets and then make it that persons issue that you don't like their pets. He either has to tolerate them or go, he's in their house not the other way round.

Well tbf it seems to me he is tolerating them. He's not cruel to them or giving you a hard time about them. So what if he doesn't refer to them by name, the dog isn't going to be offended.

You can't make someone who doesn't like dogs start to like them.

I don't mind dogs, but I don't love them. I grew up with dogs, but wouldn't want to own one. I love cats though.

My X was jealous of my dogs but it took me a while to recognise what was going on. He'd either ignore them or 'play' with them but get too rough. Pathetic specimen long banished.

Maybe jealousy isn't the case with your P but he is unwilling/unable to treat your beloved dogs without contempt. If he is unable, it needs to end for his sake, if he is unwilling, maybe try an ultimatum, but if not, end it for your (and the dogs') sake. I'm sorry, it's such a simple fix, but he needs to make it...and i've never seen much evidence of men changing :(

Apparently it’s also impossible to hate dogs and not be incredibly rude too. Some of the comments here, you all sound rabid.

Yup. Mn seems to have a sturdy population of canine-focused nutters. I like dogs to the extent that I walk a friend’s dog daily as we currently aren’t in circumstances where we can have a dog of our own, but I do understand that other people dislike and/or fear them without this saying anything about their character beyond the fact that they dislike dogs. OP, only you can decide if this is a deal-breaker for you.

you have dogs. He knew you had dogs. The dogs are not going anywhere. If he cannot change his attitude he needs to go

I just find it really upsetting and hostile. I love him and lots about him - he is thoughtful kind and caring.
those two sentences after each other. He upsets you with the hostility and is also thoughtful and kind. You can see why he cannot be and do both, cant you. If he is only thoughtful and kind when it suits him, and hostile and upsetting towards you when it doesnt, then he is not a nice person.

I couldn't be with someone who didn't like my dog, the dog is part of the family and I'd find it a massive turn off apart from anything else.

It would be s deal breaker for me.

It is possible to be totally ok with your children and not with dogs. No need to red flag it.

I don't like dogs in general, and I hate having to interact with one. From my point of view I just don't see any sign of open dislike in what you wrote.
My strategy about dogs I have to meet repeatedly is, that I am trying to be just very boring - I'd not touch them, feed them, just nothing which would encourage interaction. It works pretty well with some dogs.
I don't express dislike by that, I am trying to build mutual indifference. Thinking about it, I wouldn't use the dogs names either. Just it doesn't seem intuitively right to use them when the goal is neutrality, it sounds like engaging.

Of course his reasons might be different. I'm just saying that if the approach based on neutrality/tolerance is ok, maybe you just need to agree how the neutrality would look like, so it would work for both of you.

This would be a massive deal breaker for me. My partner loves my dogs and I honestly wouldn't have it any other way. Another 5 or so years of this just sounds tedious and wearing. Its a no from me.

I think the not liking dogs part is a misnomer. It sounds like there are some huge red flags here you think to think seriously about, including the awful way he talks about them but also the fact that he is someone who is older and set in his ways and used to getting his own way. He doesn’t come across as a particularly caring person. If you were to move on with him, I am willing to bet you would see another side of him, where he is very much the alpha in the relationship and you end up pandering to him.

I can understand why you’re upset. It isn’t because he isn’t a dog lover, you’re ok with that, but because he’s unkind in the way he speaks about the dogs you have, which you had when he first met you.

My DH wasn’t a cat person when we first got together, but accepted that he would be sharing a house with my then single cat. It was an adjustment, to be sure, but he was never unkind about her, he referred to her by her name, never ‘that cat’. It would have upset me if he had done that, especially as he knew how much she meant to me.

Now, 20 years on, we have 3 furry friends and he’s grown to really like them. 😄

I think you're going to have to have a chat with him about the way it makes you feel when he is so detached about your dogs. I had a colleague who would never call me by name or use my name, she would just stand there silently until I looked up. It was very very unpleasant as it told me just what a lesser specimen she thought I was. And although your dogs won't understand this, you do and it's causing you distress. If he does this knowing it will cause you upset and continues all the same, it might be time to start seeing him only outside your home so he doesn't see them at all. I doubt he'd like that, but if the alternative is to upset you by treating your dogs with discernible distain, maybe it's the only way to go?

It's a bit embarrassing because on the whole I really like animals, but if your pets were those bald cats or naked mole rats or something, I'd find it really difficult to
refer to them in any way too. Sorry, but I'd be trying to block out awareness of their existence (and probably would avoid going to your house at all). So maybe it does indicate his level of tolerance is getting very low indeed.

I'm a dog person. So is DH. Never would have worked if he wasn't. I couldn't be with someone who doesn't love our dogs.

Dump him,keep the dogs.He sounds very rude and selfish.He will try to hide his true colors at the moment but just be vigilant.
He is disrespecting you and your home.

When DH and I decided to get married and live together, we agreed that I would be kind to his dog for the rest of its life (compromise on my part) and we wouldn’t have any more pets after that (compromise on his part). The dog lived for another 7 years, and no we live without pets. It’s been difficult at times, but it’s worked out well. We both knew what we were getting into and made our choice, so no need for passive aggressive behaviour and all that.

Courtesy/manners towards a dog... speak the way you would wish to be spoken to, use their name, ask rather than order..

Basic stuff really, someone who treats my dog like shit is revealing an unpleasant element of their personality in my mind.

I kicked a guy out of my house once, years ago, because when my dog wandered up with toy in mouth to say hi (he didn't even want it throwing it was just a 'hi I have a great toy nice to see you' thing), instead of saying 'Hi' or asking me to call him away, he said 'fuck off mutt'. And out the door he went.

I've smelled enough dog homes to know. They all smell, zero exception. Perhaps your partner doesn't have a good sense of smell. You obviously don't either. But for those of us who do, all dog homes smell.

The way you're going on about this is making you sound like a nutter. You've smelled enough dog homes to know. Are you the dog home FBI?

FWIW, I go in to about 15 homes with dogs per week due to my job. I can't think of a single one that smells. One of them actually smells amazing every time I go in and I always comment on it.

My MILs house stinks of dog because she has too much dog for her house (small house, two large dogs) and a thick double coated breed that she doesn't bath or brush. So I'm not blind to it.

instead of saying 'Hi' or asking me to call him away, he said 'fuck off mutt'. And out the door he went.

I won't host my BIL in our home due to his lack of tolerance for our dog. Dog has only seen him about 3 times in 5 years so he is naturally an exciting and intriguing person, which BIL has no time for and usually says something like "fuck off you stupid dog".

If you speak about him like that, when he is doing absolutely nothing wrong, you can get out. It's his home and he brings me more joy than BIL does.

@HuIaHoop Well your (extreme) reaction to dogs isn't relevant here is it? If you're so massively antidogs you presumably wouldn't start a relationship with someone who has dogs in the first place. Presumably OP's partner isn't as extreme as you and if he is he shouldn't have got with her in the first place.

”naturally an exciting and intriguing person” = uncontrollable dog jumps up and harasses BIL

Control your dog and you won’t get reactions like that.

@Hooverthestairs lol at dog home fbi!
Your Bil sounds awful. Good for you for not allowing him into your home.

Obviously my DP has never said anything close to that or no way would I be with him. Or the PP who had someone who said fuck off mutt.

I’ve reread my OP and looking at word hostile. I wonder where the boundary between tolerance / indifference / hostility lies. It’s hard to gauge but it does feel different than when he first started coming to my house.

And I know I feel on edge for anything they do - which probably makes me quite sensitive to anything I gauge in him as being negative about them. I spend a lot of time justifying them and telling him how this is normal dog behaviour, they are pretty well behaved blah blah. I need to stop doing that. We’ve only really had jokey conversations before when I say things like “oi, they were here before you!”

I defo need to have a proper adult conversation with him about how it makes me feel and see if we can find a middle ground and agree what tolerance looks like and respect for what I entail.

@warmeduppizza - that sounds like quite a mature middle ground. Does your DH ever suggest getting a dog now or is it just a non-issue?

They don’t shed hair or slobber or fart - I think you should take them to the vet - or are they avatars?

My sympathy is all with your partner - he is tolerating the dogs, but not liking them - he deserves a medal.