to expect my DP to make some effort not to really dislike my dogs ?

[HaggisBurger]

So, I say DP but we don’t live together. But in a serious relationship for last 18 months post my divorce. I have 4 kids fairly busy house and two dogs. Think standard issue smallish Cockapoo / non-yappy types.

Both are pretty well behaved I think in the scheme of things. Will happily go into their crate together when directed and curl up together. Easy to walk and past puppy stage of being mental.

They do however bark if they hear the doorbell / someone on the path. They don’t bark otherwise. They sit on the floor or dog beds never sofas or beds or bedrooms. My house does not smell of dogs at all. They don’t shed hair or slobber or fart 😂

i knew when we first met that BF was not a dog person - and that’s ok. In an ideal world he would be but I thought he doesn’t need to love them. I thought the logistics of my kids would be more of an issue tbh - he’s never been married has no kids though has had two long term partners. He’s used to a VERY quiet house and is quite noise sensitive - which I get - I am too.

But it feels like now that the relationship is very established he makes no effort to hide his utter dislike of them. Recoils when they bark at doorbell, when they brush past him. Won’t refer to them by name - just “that dog is at the dishwasher” and so on.

He will come on dog walks but I suppose under sufferance. I just find it really upsetting and hostile. I love him and lots about him - he is thoughtful kind and caring. He does get (and like) that having the dogs makes me feel safer when kids are with their dad and stepmum and im on my own.

I feel that were the situation reversed I’d make some effort to try and overcome this. Say if he had a cat (I’m not madly into cats but if he loved it …)

my dogs are likely to be around for another 5 years. The thought of being with someone who shudders each time they are being … just dogs makes me sad.

He mentioned it last night just after midnight and it kind of spoiled otherwise lovely evening. Would IBU to ask him to see if he could try a little more or AIBU?

Interestingly when I sold my home last year neither the estate agent who first came to value it nor the photographer who did the photos could tell we had dogs. (We had hidden their crate in the shed and did no additional cleaning beyond my usual twice weekly hoover. They don’t shed and I think that’s what creates a smell - having owned smelly dogs before. Put your nose in their mouth and I grant you it’s a bit grim but my house has no dog smell).

But I believe @hulahoop (not beef flavour) who has personally inspected the home of every dog owner across the world 😉

Anyway, BF has never mentioned my house smelling of dogs as one of his objections about them.

Never seen a child with a streaming cold at the end of the day after playing in the garden? My dogs get in the shower with me every day, they chose to and enjoy it. I have a health condition and hygiene is an extremely important part of self care for it so I would never discourage it.

An alternative suggestion. He may say “the dog” trying to be calm and “your dogs”because he doesn’t feel able to say, “Away from the dishwasher and get on your bed,” to your dogs? Disciplining other peoples children and dogs is always fraught with difficulty.

But he deliberately makes a choice to not say ‘Freddie is at the dishwasher’ and says ‘that dog’ instead. It’s cold and upsets OP. It’s very telling that he keeps doing it despite knowing it makes OP on edge.

DP tolerates my dog.
Although he does walk her, fills her bowls up, and puts her nappies on.
He has asked if we can have a dog-free life once she goes. That's what annoys him the most wherever we go the dog comes too. And the smell, the hair, the cost.😆

This is good balanced advice. Thank you.

What exactly do you expect him to do? Do you want him to pretend to like your dogs?

it doesn’t sound like he is being cruel to the dogs, just indifferent. If you were in the hospital or otherwise unable to care for the dogs for a brief period, would he step in and take care of them for you?

it’s ok to say that loving your dogs is a deal breaker. Just don’t say that he should have to pretend. It either comes naturally or it doesn’t

I sympathise with your DP. I can't stand dogs either. It's just awful. Going t@o a house ringing the door bell and then the manic barking.

You fool only yourself, and I think you know really that you aren't an animal lover.

We don't need to eat animals. Therefore killing them is an unnecessary cruelty.

Use their name maybe? Instead of ‘that dog’. He may not ever like dogs and can’t help his natural reactions, but he can choose to not deliberately show his dislike of them....by saying things like ‘that dog’. Just as easy to use their name, I stress he’s choosing to make a point and make OP feel on edge.

Living/staying up close and personal with dogs is very different to being outside walking with them.

It sounds like an irritant in your relationship OP. If it’s otherwise good how about you talk about him using their names as they are part of the family and you trying to notice and stop them licking gravy off the plates?

Or whatever you need to do to try to see if you can manage this.

If the conversation goes well then perhaps progress to future visions of family life.

We are planning to take a break in dog ownership when we lose this one. Although I’ll be heartbroken when she goes. It’s not that I’m a bad person or don’t love my dog. I want to do some travelling and sensitive sight hounds don’t do kennels or sitters. I’m sure we’ll have another dog in the future though.

Again no right or wrong. Of course if he’s rude, dismissive or mean to you that’s a different story.

I stress = INSTEAD

I've smelled enough dog homes to know. They all smell, zero exception. Perhaps your partner doesn't have a good sense of smell. You obviously don't either. But for those of us who do, all dog homes smell.

My STBXH grew up without dogs. His father actively disliked dogs and called them ‘brown extruders’. I consigned myself to never having dogs.

When my DD was 7 she desperately wanted a dog and my husband said let’s get a dog. He said it, not me.

Our dog was lovely. I did all the care, training, grooming, feeding, walking, vet visits, insurance and poo pick ups.

My then husband didn’t dislike the dog, he just about tolerated her but never stopped moaning every time she did something normal for a dog. He had no understanding of dog behaviour, and an overriding obsession about dirt and hygiene.

It never got better. As time went on, it annoyed me more and more. I thought less of him for it. When she died of old age as 14, he seemed to think that as a dog lover I would want to go out and get another dog. I think he thought that just by letting me have a dog that was as much as I could reasonably ask of him.

I didn’t want another dog while I was still with him. It was too miserable and disheartening. But now I’m finally getting away from him, I cant bloody wait get another dog.

He didn’t like the cat either.

Although he was never actively unkind to the dog, he made the whole experience of owning a dog less pleasurable. I used to be so jealous when I saw couples who both really enjoyed owning and loving dogs.

I think it’s highly possible that it will be the same for you as time goes by. Your DP needs to adjust his attitude and at least try and fake some affection. Any less, won’t be enough to stop you resenting him in the end.

Someone once said that people who can’t love animals have something missing in them. I didn’t use to believe that, but I’ve since changed my mind.

Give it a rest.

And? So fucking what. All homes smell of something. So our homes smell of dog. Oh how awful they don't smell of fresh cookies. How will we ever cope

I once broke up with someone because I couldn’t stand his cat. I couldn’t hide my dislike of it so I removed myself from its life

Fuck me. I bet when you posted you never realised you'd have to defend your position over the cleanliness of your home, the ethical issues regarding owning a pet, veganism, and whether you even deserve a pet in the first place 🤣🤣🤣

How will he cope as the dogs get older? With aging they can become needy, bark more, have health conditions, dementia, incontinence...

They might take up more of your time, increased vet visits & generally more attention. Our elderly dog gets anxious if left on her own & will follow us constantly/ bark if she can't see us. It's not easy even as a dog-lover!

Well you obviously would not like me or my DH. We have no children and have left our house and money to 6 animal charities and a homeless charity.

Judging by the anti dog comments on here, a lot of dog haters are nasty, miserable people.

I don't expect everyone to like dogs or cats (although the few people I have met who don't like them have been pretty odd and cold) but to hate them so much that they have to spout rubbish is ridiculous and pretty sad.

NOT EVERY HOUSE WITH A DOG SMELLS. All you know it all dog haters are wrong. Some breeds just do not smell.

I have dogs and most of my friends have dogs. Some of my friends' houses smell of dog, not that it bothers me, but the ones with the same breed as mine do not smell.

My MIL loved to criticise our house, my supposed lack of cleaning etc. When we had a cat she was forever telling us our house stunk of it even though there was no litter tray in the house.

We then got a dog and she said nothing. Then 2 dogs, still nothing. Then 3 and she actually admitted she could not smell them

@HuIaHoop My house smells of dog probably - who cares, it's my house - don't like it, don't come round.

Better than smelling of preachy, sanctimonious vegan 🙄🥱

I could never be with someone who didn’t love my dog! It’s such a red flag in my opinion. I can’t see how someone can be a nice kind compassionate person and hate dogs, they are literally creatures bred over Millenia for humans to find endearing! Especially spaniels who have such an instinct to please. I would wonder what dark heart secrets the person had if they couldn’t love a dog.

I am scared of dogs and animals in general due to being bitten, thus I could never be in relationship with an animal lover. It would be a dealbreaker as I wouldn't be able to cope with living with an animal.

I don't think not liking animals make you a bad person. Nor do I think being animal lover means you're a kinder person. I think we are all different and should respect those differences. I think the key thing here to find someone you are compatible with. Animal lovers should ideally be with someone who shares their interest vice versa.

i just don’t know how you can have a serious future with someone who doesn’t like dogs (at all, by the sound of it) when you’re a dog lover. Nobody is right or wrong. You’re just not really compatible.

Another one.

Is it actually possible to love dogs and not be so incredibly rude about others who don’t share your views?

“I would wonder what dark heart secrets the person had if they couldn’t love a dog” - this just makes you sound completely unhinged.