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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect my DP to make some effort not to really dislike my dogs ?

195 replies

HaggisBurger · 01/01/2023 19:46

So, I say DP but we don’t live together. But in a serious relationship for last 18 months post my divorce. I have 4 kids fairly busy house and two dogs. Think standard issue smallish Cockapoo / non-yappy types.

Both are pretty well behaved I think in the scheme of things. Will happily go into their crate together when directed and curl up together. Easy to walk and past puppy stage of being mental.

They do however bark if they hear the doorbell / someone on the path. They don’t bark otherwise. They sit on the floor or dog beds never sofas or beds or bedrooms. My house does not smell of dogs at all. They don’t shed hair or slobber or fart 😂

i knew when we first met that BF was not a dog person - and that’s ok. In an ideal world he would be but I thought he doesn’t need to love them. I thought the logistics of my kids would be more of an issue tbh - he’s never been married has no kids though has had two long term partners. He’s used to a VERY quiet house and is quite noise sensitive - which I get - I am too.

But it feels like now that the relationship is very established he makes no effort to hide his utter dislike of them. Recoils when they bark at doorbell, when they brush past him. Won’t refer to them by name - just “that dog is at the dishwasher” and so on.

He will come on dog walks but I suppose under sufferance. I just find it really upsetting and hostile. I love him and lots about him - he is thoughtful kind and caring. He does get (and like) that having the dogs makes me feel safer when kids are with their dad and stepmum and im on my own.

I feel that were the situation reversed I’d make some effort to try and overcome this. Say if he had a cat (I’m not madly into cats but if he loved it …)

my dogs are likely to be around for another 5 years. The thought of being with someone who shudders each time they are being … just dogs makes me sad.

He mentioned it last night just after midnight and it kind of spoiled otherwise lovely evening. Would IBU to ask him to see if he could try a little more or AIBU?

OP posts:
KarmaStar · 01/01/2023 20:28

Yanbu.
Dogs come first every time.
Ditch the bloke.

OrlandointheWilderness · 01/01/2023 20:28

Really it depends on how important they are in your life. Can you see your life without having them?

Glitterandcard · 01/01/2023 20:29

janeeyreair · 01/01/2023 20:21

If you are a dog lover but not dogs are my life person, then I guess you either put up with his attitude until yours dogs die and you don't get another dog again. Or, you have to end the relationship, as it doesn't sound like he is going to change.

For me the big question mark is why can't he feign interest? If my partner was into train spotting I would ask a few questions and support him even though I can't think of anything more boring.

Same if my partner liked pet lizards, can't think of anything worse, weird slimy things. But I would learn how to look after them and help him.

Maybe im thinking too deeply, but by continuing to act disparagingly towards the dogs, it sounds like he is using it as a way to get at you.

Put it this way, if you knew there was one thing that upset your partner, and very easily you could stop this thing happening, wouldn't you do that?

I could feign interest in my partners dog as in we could talk about it and he could show me photos - but I couldn’t ever live with one, have it in my home, go on dog walks, touch it, clean up after it or be able to smell dog on my partner…

This situation is much more akin to your partner having a child than a trainspotting hobby.

Perriewinkle · 01/01/2023 20:30

My gorgeous dog doesnt smell neither does my house keep your dogs and get rid of him

Original poster
HaggisBurger · 01/01/2023 20:30

janeeyreair · 01/01/2023 20:21

If you are a dog lover but not dogs are my life person, then I guess you either put up with his attitude until yours dogs die and you don't get another dog again. Or, you have to end the relationship, as it doesn't sound like he is going to change.

For me the big question mark is why can't he feign interest? If my partner was into train spotting I would ask a few questions and support him even though I can't think of anything more boring.

Same if my partner liked pet lizards, can't think of anything worse, weird slimy things. But I would learn how to look after them and help him.

Maybe im thinking too deeply, but by continuing to act disparagingly towards the dogs, it sounds like he is using it as a way to get at you.

Put it this way, if you knew there was one thing that upset your partner, and very easily you could stop this thing happening, wouldn't you do that?

Yes @janeeyreair that’s what I think. Maybe women are programmed to do that. God, who knows.

But yes he knows it upsets me.

I guess the only comparison I can come up with is I have a client whose home I have to go into and she does have a dog I deeply dislike (and feel v sorry for too) I feel really terribly saying that as most dogs I like. But it’s a grossly obese little pug and basically does this awful high pitched screaming/snorting continuously when anyone is in the house. Non stop. I am of course very polite and they are v embarrassed by the poor dog but maybe this is what it feels like for my bf?

OP posts:
Whydidimarrythis · 01/01/2023 20:31

I think you’re both just fundamentally incompatible. It would be a deal breaker for me and I find it very unattractive when people have disdain for animals like this - it’d give me the ick. I don’t like cats but I know if my DP had one then I’d make an effort and I’d definitely get there with it if the effort were made - he’s choosing not to make the effort and you cannot force him. Having said that, I’ve never met a cockerpoo that isn’t yappy (including mine). Given how unyappy cocker spaniels are, it’s actually quite astounding how yappy cockerpoos are. I can understand why he recoils when I they bark, I recoil too - and I’m a massive dog lover.

janeeyreair · 01/01/2023 20:31

@Glitterandcard yes thats a fair point, I guess if you just hate dog hair etc etc then it would be harder. But I don't get the impression the OP is expecting practical help, just for her partner to not be so off and dismissive of the dogs.

janeeyreair · 01/01/2023 20:35

@HaggisBurger Oh god that Pug sounds awful! Yes I would be the same in that situation.

I think your right about women being programmed to be more like that too.

No easy solution and a very difficult situation for you.

Boomboom22 · 01/01/2023 20:41

It's his natural reaction to be disgusted by them so I don't think he will learn to love them or ever want one himself. If my husband wanted a dog he'd have to leave

SirenSays · 01/01/2023 20:41

I will always have foster/rescue dogs. They're a part of my family. Is he expecting you to be dog free one day? How would you feel about that?

Original poster
HaggisBurger · 01/01/2023 20:43

OrlandointheWilderness · 01/01/2023 20:28

Really it depends on how important they are in your life. Can you see your life without having them?

I guess I could just about manage in future life without dogs but I couldn’t have these dogs go and live elsewhere - eg with my ex. He loves them dearly but is an irresponsible dog owner (doesn’t walk them, let’s them on the kids beds etc).

OP posts:
Original poster
HaggisBurger · 01/01/2023 20:45

@Boomboom22 yes I expect you’re right. My sis married someone who has never had dogs as a kids, didn’t like dogs in general. They got one as a puppy and he’s grown into a dog person. A big thing was though that his son wanted one as well as my sister.

@SirenSays i think that is definitely part of the conversation I need to have with him.

OP posts:
Cassillero · 01/01/2023 20:45

janeeyreair · 01/01/2023 20:28

@Cassillero thats a really nice post, was your ex DH ok with you keeping the puppy?

Yes he was. I got him when he was already toilet trained so I had it very easy. My exes house purchase got delayed again and again and again, so the "couple of weeks" ended up as a good 6 months. He came with a crate because my ex wanted him (not unreasonably) crate trained and sleeping in his crate at night.

After 6 months with me though, with him sleeping in my bed on a night, me changing his diet, his water, his entire routine, it wasn't really possible for him to go back. I didn't do it deliberately, I just kinda had to feel my way through dog ownership as a novice and they way I've raised him wasn't what my ex wanted. He very graciously signed everything over to me so I could insure him. And he still has him when we go away on holiday. We see the dog and our daughter as joint responsibility now 😂

ChristmasCakeAndStilton · 01/01/2023 20:47

I think you are incompatible.
Honestly, I dislike many dogs (and have stitches in my face as a reason why). Any dog that barks at me, or runs towards me, puts me on instant alert. It's not something I can control. I think he needs to accept that a fundamental part of your life isn't acceptable to him, and therefore you both need to move on.

Cassillero · 01/01/2023 20:49

HuIaHoop · 01/01/2023 20:20

Do you like animals, or just dogs? What about the billions of animals killed to feed dogs. Do they matter?
People who truly like animals don't support the pet industry.

Show quote history

So given your bold statement I'm assuming you are vegan? Hope you don't consume dairy, otherwise you'd be a massive hypocrite.

Glitterandcard · 01/01/2023 20:50

janeeyreair · 01/01/2023 20:31

@Glitterandcard yes thats a fair point, I guess if you just hate dog hair etc etc then it would be harder. But I don't get the impression the OP is expecting practical help, just for her partner to not be so off and dismissive of the dogs.

It’s not even about practical help. I don’t even want to be in the same room as a dog if I can help it. Obviously there’s times you just have to tolerate a dog being around in public spaces but I wouldn’t want it around while I was relaxing at home. I wouldn’t be cruel to a dog or wish harm on it, but I just really hate dogs - everything about it, from hearing it breathe/wander about, having it look at me, smelling it, the fur, the barking, the bowls on the floor, even if my partner did 100% of the actual work everything about the dog would wind me up. Which is why I wouldn’t have gone on a first date with someone who has a dog or ever wanted one. No amount of effort/feigning interest/“trying” would ever change how I feel about them.

I can see why OPs partner might have thought he could get over it/gave it a try, but it sounds like it’s not going to work - and he should break it off rather than be nasty about the dogs or make OP feel bad. It’s her home, the dogs were already there, so he needs to take responsibility for how he feels about them.

Chickoletta · 01/01/2023 20:51

Would be a deal breaker for me.

janeeyreair · 01/01/2023 20:52

@Glitterandcard oh fair enough, at least you are sensible about it and upfront.

janeeyreair · 01/01/2023 20:53

@Cassillero sounds like it worked perfectly for all!

Original poster
HaggisBurger · 01/01/2023 20:53

@Glitterandcard I think you’ve kind of summed up how it appears to me he feels. Which makes me so sad.

I hate the thought of him being so uncomfortable in my home - which is otherwise a lovely place. But I am also pissed that I should be made to feel on edge about my dogs in my own (and their own!) home.

OP posts:
Original poster
HaggisBurger · 01/01/2023 20:55

@Cassillero that’s a great outcome and I’m glad it worked out.

OP posts:
echt · 01/01/2023 20:57

Just even the way he says “your dogs” rather than “the dogs” or their names sounds quite cold and dismissive

There you go. The word choice, and it is a choice, tells you everything you need to know. He is being deliberately unpleasant, and in your home. Cheeky sod.
Don't let him move in.

whataboutsecondbreakfast · 01/01/2023 20:57

Did you not discuss any of this before you got to this stage of the relationship?

Personally speaking, I couldn't be with someone who didn't like or want animals - it's such a big dealbreaker for me that we wouldn't have got past the first date, so I it genuinely baffles me that you've lasted this long, lol.

You say you love dogs an he clearly hates them - so how do you see this working in the future? You can't compromise on half an animal - either you have to give up pet ownership or he has to spend his life living with animals he openly dislikes - it's a recipe for disaster.

AlwaysGinPlease · 01/01/2023 20:59

Why would you get together with someone that dislikes dogs? Baffling.

SirMingeALot · 01/01/2023 20:59

Tbh I think you're both exactly what the other one knew you were at the start. You've got dogs, he doesn't care for dogs, neither of you are going to change that and it's not reasonable to expect that either. I agree with a pp it's a compatibility issue.