to expect my DP to make some effort not to really dislike my dogs ?

[HaggisBurger]

So, I say DP but we don’t live together. But in a serious relationship for last 18 months post my divorce. I have 4 kids fairly busy house and two dogs. Think standard issue smallish Cockapoo / non-yappy types.

Both are pretty well behaved I think in the scheme of things. Will happily go into their crate together when directed and curl up together. Easy to walk and past puppy stage of being mental.

They do however bark if they hear the doorbell / someone on the path. They don’t bark otherwise. They sit on the floor or dog beds never sofas or beds or bedrooms. My house does not smell of dogs at all. They don’t shed hair or slobber or fart 😂

i knew when we first met that BF was not a dog person - and that’s ok. In an ideal world he would be but I thought he doesn’t need to love them. I thought the logistics of my kids would be more of an issue tbh - he’s never been married has no kids though has had two long term partners. He’s used to a VERY quiet house and is quite noise sensitive - which I get - I am too.

But it feels like now that the relationship is very established he makes no effort to hide his utter dislike of them. Recoils when they bark at doorbell, when they brush past him. Won’t refer to them by name - just “that dog is at the dishwasher” and so on.

He will come on dog walks but I suppose under sufferance. I just find it really upsetting and hostile. I love him and lots about him - he is thoughtful kind and caring. He does get (and like) that having the dogs makes me feel safer when kids are with their dad and stepmum and im on my own.

I feel that were the situation reversed I’d make some effort to try and overcome this. Say if he had a cat (I’m not madly into cats but if he loved it …)

my dogs are likely to be around for another 5 years. The thought of being with someone who shudders each time they are being … just dogs makes me sad.

He mentioned it last night just after midnight and it kind of spoiled otherwise lovely evening. Would IBU to ask him to see if he could try a little more or AIBU?

Seems like this relationship isn't going anywhere. I hate dogs and could not be in a relationship with a dog owner. Amazed it's lasted so long. You would clearly both be better off out of this. And sorry OP but dogs always make a house smelly to some degree, not discernible to the owner.

Not helpful, I know, but very surprised he got into a relationship with you, knowing you own dogs.

My reaction would probably be similar to his but there’s no way I’d get into a relationship with a dog owner in the first place. He should’ve known all these things were possibilities?

You can’t force him to live them more. The recoil, etc sounds like reflect actions tbf.

Personally I find the type of people who say they like animals more than people to be horrible or not understand humans. Even worse I don't get how anyone could give their money to an animal charity over one for children, it seriously makes me question them as a person and their morals so I couldn't be with someone like that.

Posters who haven't been in the OP's house and that would be all of them, should really stop saying the house smells. Think about it, wouldn't this dog-hostile man have said something about the smell?

I don't think he is a nice guy if he can disrespect your canine family members AND you, in your/their own home.

Either he is polite and makes an effort to be nice (I do not mean walks them/trains them/feeds them! Just uses their names, isn't rude to them or about them, will open the door if they want to go out and no one else is about), or he'd have to fuck off out of it for me.

I don't expect people to adore my dogs - I do expect them to treat them with common courtesy and good manners, not because I think dogs particularly care about the words used, but they DO understand tone and living with someone who is derogatory and snipey towards the dogs is fucking hard work and creates an unpleasant atmosphere (which is not nice for anyone and can contribute to behaviour issues in the dogs!).

Someone upthread said they cared more about their dog than a child that is not theirs. I find that kind of attitude disturbing. I would hope that in a rescue situation anyone would save any child over their own dog, obviously.

I’d have dumped him well before now. Refusing to use your dogs names and saying ‘that’ dog is horrible and shows a very cold side to him. How odd that he doesn’t feel uncomfortable enough around dogs to not be in your home but he can’t use their name. 🤔 It’s cold and makes you feel sad. That’s a choice he’s making. And it’s horrible. I bet you don’t know the real him at all yet.

You’re only 18 months in, not long at all. I’d get rid.

Brilliant second paragraph

I can't stand dogs. We had to look after my father in law's for a few hours and I thought I could tolerate them until then. It didn't even bark. It was just always there looking at me and wanting attention and getting under my feet. I don't think I could be with someone with a dog, I definitely couldn't live with one.

What do you consider “good manners” towards a dog?

You should believe those people. They’re serious 🧐

Er....I beg to differ.

HulaHoop hasn't been to the OP's house, so what do they know?

Where have people raved about being animal lovers while caring only for dogs? Not here. Again, irrelevant matter and the "ability" to read others' minds.

Brilliant

You sound like a lovely, considerate partner OP and I'm afraid I couldn't put up with this disdain towards your dogs.
My dog sleeps on my bed and I am currently single. If I do meet someone in due course, they will be told that if they don't accept and love my dog, then it's game over.

For me it’s not as clear cut as that. I don’t think people all have to be animal lovers at all.

But someone who is actively cruel or hurts animals is a different thing. He’s not that obvs.

He does actually like cats

We had dogs for years and I consider myself a dog person. However I'd never have another one as I find a dog free life so much better for us. I found the dog far more needy than a toddler retrospectively. So I'd never live with someone who had a dog again.

But he’s hurting you, making you sad, by calling your dogs, ‘that dog’. He puts you on edge and he’s aware yet isn’t even willing to use their name when in your house to try to make you feel less on edge. That says a lot about him. Fuck that.

All houses with dogs smell. Owners seem to think their dog is immune. It's boring. Accept a dog home smells. I accept many owners can't detect it. But that doesn't mean it doesn't smell.

Some of the comments here won’t be helping. That doesn’t imply at all that they wouldn’t save a child over a dog just that they care about their dog more than some random child. I care more about my dog that some random child, I don’t particularly like a lot of other peoples children, to me they’re as dirty and smelly as you think dogs are, with the added bonus of often being rude and out of parental control, wmd covered in a crust of dried snot. Nothing loveable there. But I’d still try and save them.

I love my children and my friends children, and I would never be rude to either the random child or their parents. That’s the difference, tolerance and manners. I’d also never suggest someone’s house smells either because it’s rude and ignorant. I also love all animals, including rats and spiders. We have a saying up here, it’s nice to be nice. Some people should try it.

There you again

You can't know this as a fact.
Blanket statement about dog owners - not true.

This is a fair point. I guess in my defence there was some mild likelihood of him growing to like my dogs, but no real likelihood of my dogs disappearing into thin air.

But as many PP have said we should have discussed this more to begin with. But the way the time we spent together (as I explained up thread) initially meant I don’t think it was apparent to either of us how much of an issue this would be. 😢

I totally respect people’s rights not to be dog lovers.

Who cares? This isn’t the issue for OPs partner as he does go in the house with her dogs. If he couldn’t stand their smell, they could choose to work around that or not. This is about him refusing to use their name etc when he is in OPs house when he knows that makes her sad and on edge and they’ve spoken about it.

Some people just don’t like dogs 🤷‍♀️ It’s not a character flaw- you can love dogs and be an absolute rotter or dislike them and be lovely.

I don’t think you’re going to be able to make him like your dogs and it’s not reasonable to expect that (I could never like a tarantula however much I tried). What you can do is draw his attention to the things he does that bother you- I suspect he’s barely aware that he’s visibly reacting or that the way he refers to the dogs bothers you. It’s not unreasonable at all to explain how it makes you feel and ask him to try not to do those things. Then take it from there. Worth also talking seriously about each of your expectations for the future and any future dogs.

So ignoring the people vs kids vs dogs vs cats bs any other animal debate.

Dog owner and lover here but dogs barking and in the bloody dishwasher are annoying. Many people find dogs licking cutlery and crockery absolutely gross.

An alternative suggestion. He may say “the dog” trying to be calm and “your dogs”because he doesn’t feel able to say, “Away from the dishwasher and get on your bed,” to your dogs? Disciplining other peoples children and dogs is always fraught with difficulty.

I’ve had my lovely old whippet for 8 years since she was 5. We had her and her brother and early on I mentioned to the vet that she smelled more than her brother. The vet laughed saying she is not a smelly dog. 8 years later I think she smells lovely.

Interesting take. You must know some extremely neglected children or some extremely hygienic dogs…

I and other dog owners on this thread have had admitted this. Yes, our houses undoubtedly smell of dogs. We don't care. We clean and attempt to minimise this smell but obviously we don't care or we wouldn't own dogs. What is your actual point?