To dislike my teenage daughter

[Iwishitwasdifferent]

Shes spoilt, rude and downright unkind to me. She can ruin any occasion with her behaviour and just doesn’t seem to care about me or the rest of her family.

Me, my DH (her dad) and her youngest sister who is 10 suffer as a result of her behaviour everyday and it’s getting to the point where we are all on countdown as to when she will leave home. She’s 17 so if she goes to university it will be in the next year or so.

I can see how this sounds and if I was reading it I would think what an awful thing for a parent to write. Background is she has always been a much loved child and DH and I have provided a loving secure home. DH and I both worked part time so there would always be a parent at home which meant DD always had friends back, was able to do lots of clubs and has an active social life. We have paid for her to attend clubs at school and this year are paying for her to go on a school trip to USA. We are not rich by any means so have explained to DD this will mean cutting back in other areas.

I don’t expect any praise or credit from DD for being a decent parent but I have told her I don’t expect to be treated like shit, which we all are.

Went to the theatre on Boxing Day and DD spent the whole time moaning about something or other, why had we got this train and not another one, why were our seats so crap, why couldn’t we pay £14 for a small coke for her, then moaning about the restaurant after, the food was crap, the service was crap etc etc My other DD and I needed the loo and she even moaned about that “why did we not have control of our bladder” this was our first trip to the loo in about 5 hours!

She insults my appearance asking why I don’t dye my hair, why I wasn’t wearing makeup, criticising my clothes and calling DH a “short man”. She feels it is ok to say all these hurtful things despite having parents who love her and try to do the best for her.

I just dislike her so much and am so concerned that this is who she is and will never change. Her personality is just awful. Friends tell me it’s because she’s a teenager but does this mean all teenagers are cruel?

Such terrible advice. All she will do is fake suck-up to you to get her stuff back. And she’ll hate you the whole time. This isn’t parenting.

You poor thing OP, her behaviour sounds really mean. I would feel the same as you do. I mean this kindly but you need to get much stricter with her. Why would you offer her alternative food when she complains about dinner in such a rude way. Why are you paying for an expensive trip when she is utterly ungrateful and insults you and your husband in such a personal way? I think it is probably her personality but you need to respond firmly to her bullying, not respond with laid back kindness.

Jesus that's awful.

OP I was a bit of a shitty teen but this behaviour absolutely takes the piss. She doesn't want what you're cooking? She makes her own (when you've finished cooking the family meal) or she's goes hungry. She's ungrateful during trips out? She doesn't come next time. And that USA trip? Don't fall foul of the sunken costs fallacy.

Teenagers actually want you to be firm and have clear boundaries. Especially anxious teenagers as it makes them secure.

you have my sympathy OP. She sounds like my teenage daughter of the same age. She is not spoiled although she acts like a spoiled child. I pull her up on her behaviour every single time and there are consequences to it but God, it's a constant battle and hugely frustrating .

I agree with @itsgettingweird 's method for establishing boundaries at the same time as acknowledging what she feels and why she feels it.

I've done this OP and it's actually weirdly empowering. Everyhting shifted once I acknowledged my part at the same time as limiting choice but (crucially) not enforcing my 'way of life' stuff (eg forget 'we're having a family meal, you WILL sit down with us' and go for 'this is for dinner, nothing else is on offer. It's fine for you to make something else later but there is no junk food and you can't eat it in your room because mice.')

Mine’s 16 and no not like that, neither are her friends. Obviously they have their moments but overall we all enjoy each other’s company. We go out and she’s always appreciative of trips, meals etc.
Does she work? Mine has a pt job at McDonald’s only a few hours but has done her good.
I’d also encourage a volunteer role.

And OP, I’d be telling her that unless her behaviour improves drastically and immediately from now on, I’ll be cancelling the USA trip - even though I’ll lose the hefty deposit.

And I’d bloody well mean it.
At least you’d be saving her spending money as well as the 40%.

Such terrible advice. All she will do is fake suck-up to you to get her stuff back. And she’ll hate you the whole time. This isn’t parenting.

Strong agree with @Pumperthepumper

Even as good parents we've all experienced this type of behaviour to some degree. As others have said, when our kids behave like this we need to tell them it's unacceptable, and when it becomes a 'pattern' of negative behaviour there should always be consequences even if they say they're sorry because in life if we make mistakes there are consequences...that's how life works, so this trip should be 'off the cards' because despite you speaking to her about her behaviour and withholding her phone etc, there has been no change in attitude. In future when she expects favours from you she should also be told a firm 'no' until she realises you have taken back control. She is old enough to get a job and cook for herself. Speak to the school about getting your deposit back for the trip. Despite you speaking to her many times she still thinks that it's okay to behave like this and it's definitely not OK.

You say she's always been like this, but that can't be true. She wasn't born like this? When did she change?
You need to stop comparing your two children and parent appropriately for the child. The consequences you are using, removing phone or nintendo have not worked.
Work with her, get her inside to agree and practice the behaviour you want, set the tone and expectations together. Look into family therapy for you, DH and her, or at least some counselling for her, because she's clearly experiencing some life difficulties.
There's no way I'd be sending her on a trip to the US without seeing improvement, regardless of how much you have already paid.

But as I stated previously how many positive interactions are there from the OP, she’s moaning all the time probably because all she hears is negativity. We had a similar situation with our son and for his behaviour to change we had to look at ourselves.

To be honest, I would see the cost of the trip as an investment in getting some time for yourselves. Perhaps buy yourself a calendar and takeoff the days until she leaves home! It wouldn't hurt if she saw that.

A friend of mine had a daughter, a bit like this and got herself a box. Every time her daughter kicked off or was a pain in the neck, my friend would buy something for uni that she would put it in the box. The daughter was convinced she was doing it for her, but actually my friend was doing it to reassure herself that soon she would be free!

Me too. The knowledge of that might have some impact on the brat.

I don’t think she has mental health issues, she has lots of friends, doing well
at school, outside hobbies etc I know she is worried about mock exams and I have spent a lot of time with her, reassuring her about the exams, helping her with a revision timetable etc

She has applied for a few jobs but nothing so far. I have helped with her CV, applying for jobs, taken her to interviews etc

I feel I provide her with a lot of emotional
support. I take an interest in school and her friends and let her have 3 friends over for a sleepover last night and cooked them all pizzas. I try my best.

I don’t favour her sister although I tell DD that the reason there are no screaming matches with her sister is that her sister is nice to us all! She’s a kind gentle girl who gets upset with the way her sister acts.

Some useful advice which I’ve taken on board. Yes to the going out without her. It really is miserable when we take her with us. We went away a few months ago and as soon as we arrived at our hotel she started up with the moaning, “ this isn’t 5 star” (it was 4 star!!) and complained about everything. I told her how ungrateful she was and that it would be our last holiday as a family. I didn’t mean it then but I think I mean it now!

Of course that would hurt. That’s absolutely shitty behaviour.

This is a great post and I feel for you @floofyhouse. Usually, it doesn't come from nowhere. That doesn't mean it can't have a severe impoact on the rest of the family and particularly on younger siblings. You need to act, and dominance isn't working so you need to try, not submission, but neutrality.

And when you said that to her, did it help?

I think there are a lot of judgeypants on this thread who are lucky enough not to have experienced challenging teenagers who as far as I can see are largely the luck of the draw. Some teenagers are just more horrible than others. Mine can both be like this at times, though probably not to the extent you describe and my 17 yr old is definitely growing out of it now. I can only say with confidence that as you are good parents she will change, probably quite soon and solidarity in the meantime

Don't blame yourself op, it sounds like you've done and are doing your best. Nature plays a significant part and there's only so much nurture can do.

As a younger sister who had a nightmare older sister though, I would say please try to protect the younger dd as much as you can. She needs a calm home to grow up in. I do appreciate this isn't easy for you to achieve but please prioritise it when you can.

Do you think it’s possible she has an eating disorder? A lot of this conflict seems to be around mealtimes?

Hi OP, I think that you have just gotten into a bad habit of pandering to your teen and now she think she can treat you abysmally and get away with it, she should know better at 17 but unfortunately she is behaving like a toddler and therefore she should be treated like one.

Where does her money come from? Cut off the source, no pocket money. Cut off her phone plan. Do not offer alternatives for dinner. She is 17 and can make toast if necessary.

Definitely do not pay any more money for her trip. Tell her now that you are done pandering to her. Be very clear that you do not love her sister more, and her attempt to emotionally blackmail you by saying this doesn't make it true and will not result in any favourable treatment for her. Also, if her behaviour does not improve her trip to the US is gone. You don't care that you've paid 60% you're not paying one more penny to reward an ungrateful child who acts like a toddler.

Set out your expectations:
1 do not disrespect your family
2 if you don't like dinner you can make something yourself
3 etc.

If all of the above are not stuck to consistently the punishments kick in and no US trip. How could you reward her with this? She Will never respect you again.

Behaviour is communication.

Getting to the bottom of what is in your Dd's head is tricky. Have you had a girlie day out together? It may be something to consider.

In the meantime she needs to get a p/to job to help pay for her trip or not go at all. Don't go down the sunken cost mindset.

Are you and your Dh on the same page?

Regardless, she needs to know her behaviour is unacceptable and one meal is on offer, not a choice. Does she get involved in the kitchen or has chores?

Bottom line is I'm sure she'll "come back" but you need to be firm but loving in the meantime.

She probably feels out of control in her head, so needs proper structure.

No...it isnt shitty behaviour and I am quite sure than OPs daughter would see it as her DM just being over excited for her. Lets clarify here, OP isnt the bad guy, she is doing her best and going above and beyond what many DMs would be willing to do. Parenting is a two way street.

I don't see the issue with her choosing her dinner.

She is being rude. Maybe she is having issues elsewhere & taking it out on you all at home.

I would use the USA trip as a reward - so if she carries on being horrible she can't go.

Could she work a bit towards it herself - babysitting, dog walking, glass collecting. She may feel more invested in the trip that way.

She shouldn't be making nasty personal remarks about anyone's appearance. That's not ok. She won't have any friends if she carries on like this.