To dislike my teenage daughter

[Iwishitwasdifferent]

Shes spoilt, rude and downright unkind to me. She can ruin any occasion with her behaviour and just doesn’t seem to care about me or the rest of her family.

Me, my DH (her dad) and her youngest sister who is 10 suffer as a result of her behaviour everyday and it’s getting to the point where we are all on countdown as to when she will leave home. She’s 17 so if she goes to university it will be in the next year or so.

I can see how this sounds and if I was reading it I would think what an awful thing for a parent to write. Background is she has always been a much loved child and DH and I have provided a loving secure home. DH and I both worked part time so there would always be a parent at home which meant DD always had friends back, was able to do lots of clubs and has an active social life. We have paid for her to attend clubs at school and this year are paying for her to go on a school trip to USA. We are not rich by any means so have explained to DD this will mean cutting back in other areas.

I don’t expect any praise or credit from DD for being a decent parent but I have told her I don’t expect to be treated like shit, which we all are.

Went to the theatre on Boxing Day and DD spent the whole time moaning about something or other, why had we got this train and not another one, why were our seats so crap, why couldn’t we pay £14 for a small coke for her, then moaning about the restaurant after, the food was crap, the service was crap etc etc My other DD and I needed the loo and she even moaned about that “why did we not have control of our bladder” this was our first trip to the loo in about 5 hours!

She insults my appearance asking why I don’t dye my hair, why I wasn’t wearing makeup, criticising my clothes and calling DH a “short man”. She feels it is ok to say all these hurtful things despite having parents who love her and try to do the best for her.

I just dislike her so much and am so concerned that this is who she is and will never change. Her personality is just awful. Friends tell me it’s because she’s a teenager but does this mean all teenagers are cruel?

If she was nearly 13 or 14 I would say this could be normal behaviour. But 17!!!??? No way, she needs to grow up. Don't understand why you would bother to take her places with you as a family if this is the way she acts, leave her at home and tell her if her attitude continues you will not be allowing her to go to USA and explain to her how much it is costing you and that it is a struggle.

I like to think of myself as a nice person, but god how I hope this comes back to bite you

I don’t favour her sister although I tell DD that the reason there are no screaming matches with her sister is that her sister is nice to us all! She’s a kind gentle girl who gets upset with the way her sister acts.

@Iwishitwasdifferent I know you think this sounds rational but I 100% guarantee that she will not be hearing it how you intended it to be heard. As @Adultchildofelderlyparents said earlier - parent the individual child. "You need to stop comparing your two children and parent appropriately for the child."

They literally (especially if ND, which girls who have emotional dysregulation often are) cannot hear the whole sentence. It's a bit like when people used to recommend saying 'I love you, but I don't like you rn'. All the child hears is "i love you, but I dont' or 'I don't like you.'

Your other DD, from her perspective, is simply the recipient of the love that she thinks you've removed from her. It's obviously more complex than that - but not for her. Plus you're telling her she's only worthy of love if she fulfils certain conditions and - well, that's not unconditional love, is it?'

Question: have you tried therapy, either for you and maybe your husband, to help you develop strategies for dealing with her, or for her, to understand why she is so angry and aggressive?

OP you should follow totes inappropres on FB for tips.

Has she really always been like this? Since birth? If not, when did it change?

She sounds angry and unhappy. I have a 17yo and a 15yo and they have their moments of being rude, self-absorbed, whingey etc, but they're moments - the consistency of this behaviour and the extremity of some of it (criticising your appearance? Physical aggression?) are beyond normal, to an extent that makes me think the very obvious-seeming 'get tough' approach isn't the whole answer here. I certainly wouldn't be cooking alternative meals or going without to pay for US trips, though.

With DS we said we expected him to pay something towards his expensive A Level geography trip (thought it ended up cancelled due to Covid). Though probably too late for that now, but certainly you can ask that she self funds stuff over the summer.

I'm surprised she is not finding a job. My teen DCs and their friends basically are walking into retail/hospitality jobs for the asking. Do you think she could be sabotaging her chances? If she's got exams in the summer, it might not be the best time to start anyway tbh.

I second advice that you only do things like go to the theatre if she is onboard with it. Then if her behviour is appalling just leave her at home.

The answer to "I don't want to eat this" is to say she can get something for herself then, and cook for the family on the following day.

do you do much with her 1:1? You've not really mentioned that in your posts.

I have a DS who, I promise you, has more excuses to be vile than 99% of other kids.

I say to my sister frequently that I can't believe he's not taken the path of lashing out to all and sundry. It truly flabbergasts me. The circumstances of his life as a consequence of my husbands actions 3 years ago would explain anything he could ever throw.

So, hormones and psychological issues notwithstanding, I think it does boil down to choice and the parent/s left standing.

Your DD is choosing to behave in this obnoxious manner. If reason doesn't work you have to, for the sake of her and your family, put your bloody foot down in teamwork with your husband.

No, she does not go on the field trip. Talk to her HOY and explain why.

No, she doesn't get to yell or throw her weight around unsanctioned. Everyone pulls together and enforces this.

No, she doesn't get a privilege unless she earns it. She has her room, she can stay in it with sufficient WIFI access to complete studies and after that it's down to her.

If she were a friend, a colleague or anyone really you'd be exiting this behaviour from your life. Granted you love her, you always will, but for gods own sake call time on this now.

No, it isn’t. Kids shouldn’t have to be grateful that their parents aren’t abusive, and having a countdown to their kid leaving absolutely is abusive.

I remember acting up as a teenager and my mother saying 'you're 18, not 8. Are you going to go to uni and act like this? '

And also, don't forget this is my house, you just happen to live here'.

There needs to be consequences. She seems to want attention all the time.

Seriously, everyone who says 'my DD is also 17 and has never behaved like this' needs to have a word with themselves. There are a myriad reasons why that might be - from genetics, to trauma, to parenting, to developmental issues - but your norm does not matter one single iota to the OP's DD. She's in pain (barring PD, which I v much doubt).

I often think this delightful behaviour is nature's way of making the next stage of them leaving home a bit easier for parents to handle....

Exactly this.
I have a 22 and a 14 year old and I am not joking when I say that if either of mine behaved like this they would not be going on the school trip.
I would have absolutely no problem with pulling out and losing a deposit if a clear warning and a reminder that you should all be treated with respect is ignored.
You need to get tough with her by being deadly serious. It sounds like she is used to getting what she wants and she needs to learn a lesson.

I was an absolutely awful teenager and I’d say I was probably this bad. Oh the shame!

Can I suggest you look into the condition PMDD, Pre Menstrual Dysphoria Disorder. In it’s simplest terms it is extreme pre menstrual syndrome but a 1,000 times worse. It causes anger, irritability, confusion along with dozens of seemingly MH issues. You may recognise some of her behaviours and that they occur in a sequence. I struggled with PMDD from my first period aged 14. A slave to my hormones!

My DD14 uses an app to track her cycle and we recognise days when she’s feeling insecure, cannot make decisions and gets irritated with her friends or me.

DS17 and DD14 have weekly chores: make their beds every day, bring down washing 2x per week, do the bins 3 days each, cook dinner 1x per week each and are sent out to reflect on poor behaviour. DS has a p/t job.

I will absolutely not accept from my DC the awful behaviour that I demonstrated as a teenager. Without a doubt my PMDD was the driver of my behaviour but also a lack of boundaries from my single mother. My DC know that they have a good life; holidays, phones, clubs, etc but that their part of the deal is they contribute in the home, are polite and respectful and work hard at school. We have hiccups but generally they know where they stand and are well behaved.

Oh my god you poor things . I have 5 teens , well one just about to be 20 and NEVER have I tolerated anything like you describe .
It sounds like you are doing eveything you can.
Might there be some other issue? Depression/ anxiety ?? Maybe a trip to your GP , referral on to a psych maybe?
I hope this improves for you but please do not feel guilty .

Whilst I agree that hormones create unwanted behaviour - this could be more than that. However, I think you need to lay down simple rules

• if she wants a different meal then she should cook it. I never wanted to eat meat and so my mom said if I wanted different meals I had to cook them. I did that - albeit with hindsight I did not wash up!
• If she does not want to go out with you as a family then ask her before buying any tickets. At 17 she is old enough to be left alone
• it is too late to cancel the trip as you have paid money but for next time you need to remember treats should not be given for bad behaviour. There are no consequences?
• does your daughter have pocket money ? if so then tell her she can pay for her drinks as £14 is ridiculous.

Why doesn't your daughter have a part time job ?

In hindsight you have pampered her - in my opinion too much but then that is your choice. It is not too late to change your behaviour - tell her she should get a job ( paper round or weekend job) , pay for her own treats and then can then have a say in her future. Turn the tables on her and treat her as Sh*t - she may then realise how hurtful behaviour can be.

I'm more disturbed by the theatre charging £14 for a small coke

Sorry but BS. When my children reached 16 we would allow them a week camping at a sight for under 18s...they would go with their friends. It was a rite of passage. My kids were all pretty easy, I can remember once instance when my teenage daughter shouted at me....but she quickly scuttled off and it never happened again. My boys were ok. We had a count down to their camping trips... in part to make sure we got everything they needed before going...but it was a big thing at the time... no suggestion it was abusive FFS.

Of course you are pandering to her.. she screams that she isn't eating that for dinner so you offer an alternative .. what?! Why? You tell her straight. Sort yourself out then because that is what I'm making. I don't think it is typical teenage behavior. She's 17, not 13. (Not that it would be acceptable at 13) she criticises you, yous hate living with her, her sister hides away in her room and yous are rewarding her with a trip to the USA.. wtf! In the nicest way, yous are contributing the problem by pandering to her and rewarding her. Why would she want to change her behaviour when she is still being rewarded with a trip away depsite her behaviour or gets the dinner of her choosing. Shes not daft, she knows that she can behave however she wants because she will still get what she wants. Tell her straight up, this is how it will be in this house and if you don't like it, the door is that way ➡️ and btw forget your trip to the USA you don't get to treat us like shit and get rewarded with a trip. (I would be cancelling that trip if I were you)

"Parenting is a two way street." It's very much not until they are adults, and even then .. meh."

We all need to look ourselves in the eye. Literally, they didn't ask to be born. They're trapped with us for all time, no choice.

I'm not talking about pandering - I'm talking about understanding that we have had the most power it's possible to have over another human being, and that inevitably there will have been failures. That's fine. It's normal. The only really bad failure is the failure to be strong enough, adult enough, to tolerate that fact.

Wow, I feel for you. she sounds really mean. She sounds like she's trying to get a reaction out of you so I think you did the right thing laughing.
But agree with others that you could stop paying for things. And I'd tell her directly, I have stopped trying to please you. Dinner is beans on toast, or egg on toast, if you're hungry enough to bother.

Do you remember what age it began to turn around please?

She has applied for a few jobs but nothing so far. I have helped with her CV, applying for jobs, taken her to interviews etc

Attitude is all here!! - employers can pick up on teenagers attitudes so if she improves her attitude then future employers may look at her as having a pleasant demeanour and actually employ her!!

Ask the school what their cancellation policy is regarding school trip and refunding. You might well get part of it back if not all.

Right, so you have no experience of unhappy kids? A countdown to a camping trip is completely different - unless you were actually celebrating them being away from you, which is weird.