To dislike my teenage daughter

[Iwishitwasdifferent]

Shes spoilt, rude and downright unkind to me. She can ruin any occasion with her behaviour and just doesn’t seem to care about me or the rest of her family.

Me, my DH (her dad) and her youngest sister who is 10 suffer as a result of her behaviour everyday and it’s getting to the point where we are all on countdown as to when she will leave home. She’s 17 so if she goes to university it will be in the next year or so.

I can see how this sounds and if I was reading it I would think what an awful thing for a parent to write. Background is she has always been a much loved child and DH and I have provided a loving secure home. DH and I both worked part time so there would always be a parent at home which meant DD always had friends back, was able to do lots of clubs and has an active social life. We have paid for her to attend clubs at school and this year are paying for her to go on a school trip to USA. We are not rich by any means so have explained to DD this will mean cutting back in other areas.

I don’t expect any praise or credit from DD for being a decent parent but I have told her I don’t expect to be treated like shit, which we all are.

Went to the theatre on Boxing Day and DD spent the whole time moaning about something or other, why had we got this train and not another one, why were our seats so crap, why couldn’t we pay £14 for a small coke for her, then moaning about the restaurant after, the food was crap, the service was crap etc etc My other DD and I needed the loo and she even moaned about that “why did we not have control of our bladder” this was our first trip to the loo in about 5 hours!

She insults my appearance asking why I don’t dye my hair, why I wasn’t wearing makeup, criticising my clothes and calling DH a “short man”. She feels it is ok to say all these hurtful things despite having parents who love her and try to do the best for her.

I just dislike her so much and am so concerned that this is who she is and will never change. Her personality is just awful. Friends tell me it’s because she’s a teenager but does this mean all teenagers are cruel?

I agree that you can't discipline a 17 year old by removing a Nintendo. She's too old for these sorts of punishments.

She doesn't want to eat the food you are making, she can cater for herself.
Does she want to go on the US trip? If so, she needs to get a part time job to pay for at least some of it.
She can't behave on family days out or theatre trips then she wouldn't be coming.

She may pull away further, but I don't think that's a worse outcome than her continuing on this path given the impact it her behaviour is having on you, your dh and your younger dd.

In a year or so, she'll likely be away at university, so controlling her own finances, cooking (and buying) her own food and arranging her own activities will be the norm. There won't be anyone to confiscate her electronics there.

Her behaviour is appalling. But she controls it at school and with her friends. Do you think she is happy at school? Could she be masking? If you think this is a possibility, make clear that there's always a way back to her being fully supported, embraced by you all. Does she have a relationship with any wider family who she will listen to - grandparents or an aunt? Could she stay with them for a while to see if her behaviour changes?

Physically pushing your mother and screaming you don’t want what’s on offer for dinner is not normal teenage behaviour!

Spot on!
I told my teenage son I made mistakes- it is often the family dynamic as a whole that is awry when one is behaving poorly.
Don’t scapegoat the older daughter.

Ask her what is wrong, how she feels?

No, you’ve got that completely backwards. There is zero point in waiting for the assault before acting out a punishment. A much better strategy is to work out why she feels that way in the first place - which then avoids the assault completely. Punishments will change absolutely nothing, because they ignore the cause of the behaviour.

And pls remember to praise good things she does so there's a balance.

You've just said you offer her alternative menu choices!

Sod that!

Theatre - if she was rude before you left I'd have left her at home

Lots of pandering going on here OP, stop facilitating her disrespectful behaviour, this should be addressed. You may have raised her to be kind but she’s choosing not to be and it shouldn’t be acceptable. One person doesn’t get to dictate the rest of the households happiness within the family home.

I wonder if she is jealous of the younger sister whom you seem to favour?

in what way has OP indicated the younger one is favoured. Which one is getting a trip to the US?

Most of the problems i saw in my DCs friends families with behaviour was because the parents refused or forgot to see they were growing up. So applied ridiculously childish rules on them. We used to keep an eye on what they were reading, watching and listening to to see what they were interested in, where their thoughts were going. We also had daily evening meals together where we all talked about our day, or what we were reading, or whatever.

This is how we kept track on their development, and could re-adjust our relationships. And sure there were some real ding-dongs. but we got over them. And all in all? our DCs are lovely adults now.

As you've said, she is spoilt. I was also a very spoilt nightmare 17 year old. I was really awful to my parents. I had no boundaries. I took what I wanted, I wasted my parents’ money, I blamed them for everything.
By 19, I was living at home, drinking their booze, spending their money, and even stealing things to sell, when they stopped giving me money. I was too lazy to get a job or even sign on. They finally threw me out. I thought they were the worst parents in the world.
Within 3 months, I had a job and a place to live and, gradually, I became a bearable human being.
Endless forgiveness and unconditional love has its place, I’m sure, but it certainly didn’t work for me. I needed some very tough love, and it sounds like your DD does too. Not paying the remainder for the trip to the US would probably be a good start.

I see your point here. I have this with my 17 year old.. ‘dd is the favourite child’, ‘you never tell HER off’ ‘dd,dd,dd’. However, like I’ve told my 17 year old, dd is not naughty, she’s polite, kind and caring, does her homework, tidies the house. I literally have nothing to tell her off for. They are polar opposite children. I wonder if that’s the same with your two OP? I think it makes it harder and the resentment sets in.

I have no answers, but I would stop jumping through hoops to get her on school trips and make her the dinner she wants every night.

I think she's trying to get a reaction from you. She screams at you, you offer her alternatives, she screams at you, you laugh. I would find that really frustrating and if my empathy was a little low, as it is with teens, I might wonder how far I would have to go before you displayed any emotion.

Also have a think, why did she behave so badly on the theatre trip? Was she hormonal? Did she want to be there? Could you have communicated better?

Yes pumper I'm fully aware that needing to find out why she's behaving that way is important.

All behaviour is communication.

However you don't loosen boundaries and give open ended choices whilst trying to work it out. As is proven here she's assaulted the mum.

It's a 2 pronged approach.

She needs to feel secure and loved whilst also being given a very form message the behaviour isn't acceptable

I do this all day long every day for very troubled teens who all turn out ok in the end. They always thank you for never giving up on them and it's always based on the fact you kept the boundaries firm and clear as well as helping them decipher whatever other feelings are contributing to it.

I don't think it's very helpful for everyone to come onto the thread and say this behaviour isn't normal and she's a little bitch.

I also don't think the answer is to take things away from her - ime that rarely works and will just push her more into defiance.

@Iwishitwasdifferent what is she like with her friends? With Teachers? With other adults? Is this behaviour limited to you and your family? Or is it more widespread? I think getting to the bottom of whether this is just her being horrible or something else (I remember looking up Oppositional Defiant Disorder with my dd when she was vile for example).

I'd also explore whether she's unhappy. Or hormonal - my dd is really really vile just before her period. (She's also 17).

And then I think incentives are much better than punishments - rewards not threats.

Oh I also looked up love bombing with my dd.

And I also have an older dd now 21 - she was so so nasty when she was in her early teens. Regularly used to reduce me to tears. She's a delight now! (But fwiw has also told me she was hugely anxious at the time and was struggling a lot).

I haven’t always agreed with @Pumperthepumper but she’s spot on here. This is a young woman who is unhappy and feels unloved. Hearing your parents say they can’t wait for you to move out must be horrible.

I had some lovely rows arguments with mine.
They never shoved me, behaved badly when out or screamed at me if they didn't get what they wanted.

This isn't 'normal'

From working with a vast majority of teenagers for many years it sounds like she has mental health issues/Self esteem issues that she is refusing to or finding it difficult to address therefore hence this behaviour. Have you asked her if she's happy? Anything that bothers her? Has there ever been a SEN concern?

This irritates me so much. I very much doubt that she has mental health issues or problems with self esteem. It seems as if all poor behaviour on Mumsnet has to be down to SEN.
From reading the OP's post, it's very clear that no boundaries or consequences have been put in place other than the parents wringing their hands and trying to make some sense of what is purely bratty behaviour from a teen.

@Pumperthepumper

there is never, EVER a cause for assault

whatever op has or hasn’t done it doesn’t give her daughter right to show that kind of behaviour towards her.

honestly some people on here are so desperate to vindicate young adults who are behaving horrendously and try to locate the blame within their mother

Lots of teenagers in my family. They’re hard work at times but nothing like this. Phone remove it immediately, take her privileges away , I rather lose the money than award rubbish behaviour and allow a USA trip. Time for tough love , you’re allowing this!

Sorry to be harsh but you are not picking her up at all. For example:

"We’ve just had a blazing row about dinner. I tell her what I’m cooking and she screams she won’t eat that. I suggest an alternative. She screams no. I then ask her what will she eat."

You are facilitating her bad behaviour. How about this instead?

"I tell her what I’m cooking and she screams she won’t eat that. I say "good, all the more for us. And as you are not having dinner, go to your room." THE END!

@SheilaFromTheFuture

her family are only being honest with her

she needs to know that her behaviour has an impact on others and that her family have emotions (as she’s behaving as if they don’t)

@LuckySantangelo35, she's a child. Even from a basic neurodevelopmental position, let alone thinking in terms of her emotional development, her brain is not yet in any way capable of sustained rationality in difficult circumstances. OP has a chance to lay the groundwork for a future relationship when her DD is matured... or not.

It's really not a zero sum game. OP can be accept some blame in a way that does not allow the child to have a terrifying (for them, not OP) amount of power. It's really difficult, but not impossible, to play the long game - good boundaries, coupled with an acknowledgment of the ways the child has been let down, even if only in her head.

Usually entitled brats are terrified.

My daughter was like this in her mid teens. She was very hostile to the whole family. It later became clear that there was bullying and sexual abuse going on at school that she was hiding from us and she was subsequently diagnosed as autistic. She had run out of runway at being able to cope. Her apparent loathing of us was coming from her horrible feelings about herself. Your daughter may be unhappy for reasons you don’t know, and taking it out on you all because she can. If so, coming down harder on her might not be the answer. Just sharing as I wish we could have understood my “horrible teen” daughter sooner, before her mental health became dangerously poor.

I think you’ve misunderstood. This is a very young person with little control over their emotions. The best way to deal with that is to work out why she feels her only option is to lash out. How you could say that’s a justification for assault is beyond me. Unless you’re picking for a fight.

We have 3 adult dd's and a dd17.
I'm absolutely appalled at your daughter's behaviour.

None of ours have ever shouted, shown such rudeness, disrespect and nastiness.

If I were you-
She'd eat what I was cooking or go without , no debate or pandering

Not be invited to anything else with the family until she changed her ways

Stop playing for anything for her until she wasn't so foul

Tell her how foul she is and to explain what was going on or move out

Not give her control- no options trying to please her, no discussion or debate,she lives in your house and needs to find some respect and be a decent family member

I'm sorry op , it won't be easy but my god you can't go on like she is for any of you.

Thats not honesty though. It’s vindictiveness. You’re saying they should hurt her to make a point.