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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To dislike my teenage daughter

808 replies

Iwishitwasdifferent · 01/01/2023 18:23

Shes spoilt, rude and downright unkind to me. She can ruin any occasion with her behaviour and just doesn’t seem to care about me or the rest of her family.

Me, my DH (her dad) and her youngest sister who is 10 suffer as a result of her behaviour everyday and it’s getting to the point where we are all on countdown as to when she will leave home. She’s 17 so if she goes to university it will be in the next year or so.

I can see how this sounds and if I was reading it I would think what an awful thing for a parent to write. Background is she has always been a much loved child and DH and I have provided a loving secure home. DH and I both worked part time so there would always be a parent at home which meant DD always had friends back, was able to do lots of clubs and has an active social life. We have paid for her to attend clubs at school and this year are paying for her to go on a school trip to USA. We are not rich by any means so have explained to DD this will mean cutting back in other areas.

I don’t expect any praise or credit from DD for being a decent parent but I have told her I don’t expect to be treated like shit, which we all are.

Went to the theatre on Boxing Day and DD spent the whole time moaning about something or other, why had we got this train and not another one, why were our seats so crap, why couldn’t we pay £14 for a small coke for her, then moaning about the restaurant after, the food was crap, the service was crap etc etc My other DD and I needed the loo and she even moaned about that “why did we not have control of our bladder” this was our first trip to the loo in about 5 hours!

She insults my appearance asking why I don’t dye my hair, why I wasn’t wearing makeup, criticising my clothes and calling DH a “short man”. She feels it is ok to say all these hurtful things despite having parents who love her and try to do the best for her.

I just dislike her so much and am so concerned that this is who she is and will never change. Her personality is just awful. Friends tell me it’s because she’s a teenager but does this mean all teenagers are cruel?

OP posts:
Catproblem · 01/01/2023 19:46

I had one of those from about 13. She was an absolute nightmare. These posts about how their children aren’t like this, and it’s your fault - I had those too

I’m happy to tell you that it didn’t last. I’m still amazed, but she just…grew up I guess? She’s 21 now and fantastic company

Im really sorry you’re going through this, I know how perplexed, heartbroken, confused, angry, and downright sick and tired you must feel. I once read that teenagers go through this phase so we don’t miss them when they leave. Apparently kittens are the same!

Pumperthepumper · 01/01/2023 19:47

itsgettingweird · 01/01/2023 19:45

Please ignore this abusive advice. She’s unhappy - don’t make her life more shit.

It's not abusive shit.

Children who are unhappy are often unhappy because they don't know the boundaries which creates a feeling of insecurity. Putting in boundaries can help build attachment where there is none.

Putting in boundaries and giving consequences doesn't equal abuse or showing a lack of care. It shows love, wanting the child to feel safe and secure and showing the child that you love them despite their behaviour and want them to be a better person.

Thats not what that post said though. It said to punish her, and that’s abusive, shit advice. The kid will not feel more loved with more punishments, and it’s ridiculous to pretend otherwise.

BellePeppa · 01/01/2023 19:47

Iwishitwasdifferent · 01/01/2023 18:31

She has always been the same. At home she is awful but at school and with her friends she’s different. We’ve just had a blazing row about dinner. I tell her what I’m cooking and she screams she won’t eat that. I suggest an alternative. She screams no. I then ask her what will she eat. As always, she is quick to dismiss mine and DH dinner options but never suggests her own.

She used to eat more meals but I can count on one hand now what she considers an “acceptable” dinner. She shoved me out of the way in the kitchen and I have just told her I can’t wait for her to leave. Immature I know but I’ve just had enough of her.

I wouldn’t engage with her about what she wants. She gets what she’s given and if she doesn’t like it tough. Sounds like you are far too accommodating of her obnoxious behaviour.

NeelyOHara1 · 01/01/2023 19:47

Perhaps ask her why she is so unhappy?

ivykaty44 · 01/01/2023 19:48

I work in a setting with many 6th formers, they are a varied bunch, they work well and do quite a bit of work between them to earn some dosh for spending. They go on to university and when back home work again.

I think working at this stage is really important, as it brings them into a different world where they can't get away with stuff they would at hoe or school and more importanlty gives them responsibility. They will also get treated as an adult not a school student or teenager. Their peers at work will also not put up with any shit in the team.

Id strongly suggest getting her out to find a job rather than punishing her - also the advantage is you get some time with her out of the house... which for your younger dc will be a positive for now

CharlotteStreetW1 · 01/01/2023 19:48

I went through a gobby phase in my teens and after a while my mother read me the riot act. It worked.

HowDoYouOwnDisorder · 01/01/2023 19:48

I have 2 teens btw (17/19) and we get on well. Though sometimes we/they shout. But they know where they stand with us.

WinterDeWinter · 01/01/2023 19:48

OP, you're not giving much attention to her belief that you love her sister more.

It's possible to be very caring parents who do the right thing re school trips and everything else, and for there nevertheless to be some dynamics which you don't even notice but which children do.

They may not be intentional, they may not even be 'real' - but that doesn't mean that she's not feeling them and you need to get to the bottom of what is going on.

Iloveacurry · 01/01/2023 19:49

Cancel her place from the trip for a start. She shouldn’t be rewarded for her bad behaviour.

pinkfondu · 01/01/2023 19:49

I would rather cancel the trip

toastofthetown · 01/01/2023 19:50

Could you and her arrange a few sessions with a family therapist to see if you can open up communication again between the two of you? It sounds like the relationship has totally broken and even if it's her fault, living in a house where everyone else is counting down the days until you leave is a horrible experience. Having a neutral party there can help with steering conversations and stopping it getting too heated.

LuckySantangelo35 · 01/01/2023 19:50

Exasperatednow · 01/01/2023 19:36

Completely agree.

Show quote history

@Exasperatednow
@Pumperthepumper

having some boundaries and not buying her a trip to the USA is not being abusive

what would you suggest OP does?

Smile indulgently and buy her a takeaway when she’s screaming she doesn’t want to eat what’s been cooked for her?

Or perhaps at the restaurant after the theatre when she was complaining about her mum going to the toilet, perhaps op could have just not gone and pissed herself?

BurbageBrook · 01/01/2023 19:51

I think the USA trip is a red herring. What matters is how she speaks to you day to day and how you respond to her. I think you need to push back with FIRM boundaries and firm words when she speaks to you like crap. Every single time.

SheilaFromTheFuture · 01/01/2023 19:51

Other than criticism of her behaviour do you actually talk to her, ask her what bands she likes, how her studies are doing? Are you interested in her? Think about today, how many negative things and how many positive things has she heard? You say she moans but is moaning all she hears herself?

Has spending money been sorted for the trip? Maybe she can start doing her own laundry or cook dinner for everyone a couple of nights a week to earn her spending money. You’re paying for the trip she can sort her spending money. Maybe she should get a job for some independence.

WinterDeWinter · 01/01/2023 19:51

I firmly believe that when family stuff gets difficult the best thing we can all do is acknowledge our failings - because we will all fail in one way or another - to the child, and understand that many things can be true at the same time. It feels very hard to feel 'blamed' but once you've acknowledged that, through her prism, you are responsible for <whatever> it it's liberating.

Feetupteashot · 01/01/2023 19:52

She sounds difficult.

I would not be taking her out for treats and meals if she treated me like that

I cook healthy tasty meals daily which can be eaten or left but that's it.

oakleaffy · 01/01/2023 19:52

@Iwishitwasdifferent You definitely need to toughen up.
I wonder if she is jealous of the younger sister whom you seem to favour?

The older girl sounds like she’s screaming out for boundaries and firmness.

LuckySantangelo35 · 01/01/2023 19:52

WinterDeWinter · 01/01/2023 19:51

I firmly believe that when family stuff gets difficult the best thing we can all do is acknowledge our failings - because we will all fail in one way or another - to the child, and understand that many things can be true at the same time. It feels very hard to feel 'blamed' but once you've acknowledged that, through her prism, you are responsible for <whatever> it it's liberating.

@WinterDeWinter

no

sometimes the only person responsible for bad behaviour is the person behaving badly

it really is that simple sometimes

itsgettingweird · 01/01/2023 19:52

Pumper there needs to be natural consequence or some consequences to her behaviour. She's physically assaulted her mother. If she's that unhappy she's prone to physical assault then sending her to a foreign country at 17 is not a wise idea. (And I'm not even a poster who suggested stopping the trip!)

But yes she does need consequences.

She needs to feel the boundaries and feel her parents love her enough to put them in place and keep them in place.

Currently her behaviours show she doesn't feel secure. Doesn't want what is being cooked and actually doesn't know what she wants. Resulting in physical assault.

This is for dinner or make your own show you are respecting what they want (or don't want) but putting the boundary in place rather than never ending open choices.

OP - read up attachment difficulties and strategies to support that. I think your dd would really benefit from this approach. It'll mean that her behaviour isn't resulting in consequences as such - but rather you giver her very form boundaries that don't move and are tight so that whatever her behaviour they are always there.

Pumperthepumper · 01/01/2023 19:52

LuckySantangelo35 · 01/01/2023 19:52

@WinterDeWinter

no

sometimes the only person responsible for bad behaviour is the person behaving badly

it really is that simple sometimes

Show quote history

It really, really isn’t when that person is 17 and has been that way for a long time.

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 01/01/2023 19:53

RambamThankyouMam · 01/01/2023 18:29

Well, you raised her!

You sound nice.

Nanny0gg · 01/01/2023 19:54

Iwishitwasdifferent · 01/01/2023 18:31

She has always been the same. At home she is awful but at school and with her friends she’s different. We’ve just had a blazing row about dinner. I tell her what I’m cooking and she screams she won’t eat that. I suggest an alternative. She screams no. I then ask her what will she eat. As always, she is quick to dismiss mine and DH dinner options but never suggests her own.

She used to eat more meals but I can count on one hand now what she considers an “acceptable” dinner. She shoved me out of the way in the kitchen and I have just told her I can’t wait for her to leave. Immature I know but I’ve just had enough of her.

If you cook something you know she likes she either eats it or doesn't.

Alwaystoblame · 01/01/2023 19:54

I'm sorry you are going through this. I have a 16 yo like this. Today she called me a cunt and said several other hurtful things. She doesn't live with me and that was the final straw for me. I have two other dc who are very well behaved and would never dream of calling me names let alone a cunt.

Dibbydoos · 01/01/2023 19:54

Take her to the doctors, tell the doctor what's happening at home. It could be hormonal - have you heard of PMDD? I think I had it until I had a hysterectomy, then it was gone along with my periods! It can be controlled by the pill (and pregnancies as that means no periods too)!
Good luck OP, she's not listening and isn't bothered by the punishments.
Ref the school trip, make it clear she is going because you love her.

Deathclaw · 01/01/2023 19:54

I would have already cancelled that trip.

Stuff how much money you’ll lose, it’s better to pay that then the long term stigma and price of raising a spoilt, horrible family member.

You can talk to her about how she’s hurting all your feelings as much as you like, that will achieve precisely nothing as long as you keep failing to mete out the big consequences.

And please don’t tell yourself ‘all teenagers are like this’. They really aren’t. Grumpy, lazy and struggle to control their emotions sometimes, yes.

Screaming at their mother about dinner? Shoving? Making the family’s life a misery? No. Not normal.

Hell I was autistic and had a difficult time as a teenager, but never would have treated my family like that.