To dislike my teenage daughter

[Iwishitwasdifferent]

Shes spoilt, rude and downright unkind to me. She can ruin any occasion with her behaviour and just doesn’t seem to care about me or the rest of her family.

Me, my DH (her dad) and her youngest sister who is 10 suffer as a result of her behaviour everyday and it’s getting to the point where we are all on countdown as to when she will leave home. She’s 17 so if she goes to university it will be in the next year or so.

I can see how this sounds and if I was reading it I would think what an awful thing for a parent to write. Background is she has always been a much loved child and DH and I have provided a loving secure home. DH and I both worked part time so there would always be a parent at home which meant DD always had friends back, was able to do lots of clubs and has an active social life. We have paid for her to attend clubs at school and this year are paying for her to go on a school trip to USA. We are not rich by any means so have explained to DD this will mean cutting back in other areas.

I don’t expect any praise or credit from DD for being a decent parent but I have told her I don’t expect to be treated like shit, which we all are.

Went to the theatre on Boxing Day and DD spent the whole time moaning about something or other, why had we got this train and not another one, why were our seats so crap, why couldn’t we pay £14 for a small coke for her, then moaning about the restaurant after, the food was crap, the service was crap etc etc My other DD and I needed the loo and she even moaned about that “why did we not have control of our bladder” this was our first trip to the loo in about 5 hours!

She insults my appearance asking why I don’t dye my hair, why I wasn’t wearing makeup, criticising my clothes and calling DH a “short man”. She feels it is ok to say all these hurtful things despite having parents who love her and try to do the best for her.

I just dislike her so much and am so concerned that this is who she is and will never change. Her personality is just awful. Friends tell me it’s because she’s a teenager but does this mean all teenagers are cruel?

There's definitely something not right here - the obsession with time, the not being able to have the radio on - that's not normal behaviour; there's something else going on with her @Iwishitwasdifferent and you need to get to the bottom of it, now, before she leaves home.

Plus I don't care how many times you've been told to cancel the US trip - don't do it! She will probably hold it against you for the rest of your lives if she doesn't get to go now. She should get a job though to fund the spending part of it at least. And please ignore all those who are telling you that your DD is a horrible person who needs to be punished! Yes, she needs boundaries but I really do feel from all you have said that she's felt pushed out by her younger sibling, and that there is something else going on with her. It's so sad for you, DD and your DH x

I think it’s unfair to blame you OP or say your DD is just a horrible person.
A lot of what you’ve spoken about sounds like insecurity which suggests something is going on despite her having a stable environment. Maybe it’s a good idea to quietly try talking to your DD and see if there’s something underlying which is worrying her or causing anxiety.
Reading your posts, I wouldn’t rule out autism either. I think I’m slightly on the spectrum and when I was younger I would sometimes lash out at those closest to me, particularly in social settings or where I didn’t feel in control. Girls are very good at hiding autism and are often not diagnosed until adulthood.

People like to blame MH/SEND for all sorts of bad behaviour. Sounds like the child has a normal and active social life at school and with friends but somehow Mumsnetters believe her SEND /MH problems only manifest at home. When a behaviour is not exhibited in all environments that’s clearly a behavioural problem as it confirms the child knows when and where to behave appropriately.

I think you’ve spoiled her but you don’t realise..
You think giving her what she wants is being a good parent
..
at 17
she sounds like a toddler refusing food offered…
if it was me I would say this is dinner
Only option
eat or starve !!
do you ever give any consequences
For her bad behaviour ?

Goodness this is really quite a spectacularly ignorant post.

Masking in autistic girls is really not uncommon, neither is autistic burnout.

You come across as such a supportive parent, and from your follow ups it really shows how you are there for her.

i’ll share the best piece of parenting advice i was given when mine were teens…
If they are behaving like a child, don’t go on to treat them like the child. This will just continue the cycle forever. Treat them like the adult they want to be and you want them to be, and the adult will emerge’

my nan told me this and i was like ‘no way! They aren’t ready! But low and behold it worked for me. i hope it works for you.

Oh my goodness. Doesn't like what you're making for supper? There's that or nothing. Going to America? Not on my watch. So you lose some money. Of course you love her sister more. There's nothing to like about This DD. Screaming. Tell her to go away. Talks nastily and unkindly? Tell her you're not interested in her rubbish. I'd have wacked her by now. I wish you luck in the future with her.

This is not necessarily true. Girls in particular are very good at masking ASD for example and can appear model students at school/in-front of friends but display different behaviour at home when they are in their safe zone. I speak from experience. Also one of my children has sensory processing disorder and now at high school does a good job of holding it together there (is very good academically and even socially now) but can still be challenging at home.

Does she have a part time job? Maybe this would help to learn about interacting with other people outside of the family. She would have to take directions and would have consequences for her actions. customer service would be a huge learning curve. Id stop paying for her phone or other small items that aren’t a necessity and make her earn it. She would have more of an appreciation for what’s provided.

I was your daughter 20 years ago - horrendous behaviour towards my parents. I was very unhappy but didn't know why.

Looking back, I can see I was terrified of being an adult because I knew I wasn't ready for adulthood - my parents treated me like a child: I needed help with washing, I couldn't cook, I couldn't create CV and find work on my own. They never let me do things for myself by myself, always with their help. However, I always knew their behaviour was with good intentions and they were kind, loving and caring parents, just highly overbearing.

A lot of previous posters asked if you baby your DD. Have you prepared her for the real world?

If you were my parent I'd wish you would start treating me like a grown up. I wish you would expect me to wash my own clothes, cook my own (and some family!) meals, do a part time job that has no parental involvement, respect my opinion and think I was capable of all these thinks. I would also crave for clear boundaries.

didn’t include before sorry, but with the part time job I would include a list of daily jobs at home. My 9 and 5 year old have basic tasks like helping with dishes each day, cleaning their room before bed each night. Its just learning some responsibility. It sounds like she doesnt have to contribute much and rrally doesn’t appreciate what you do for her.
as far as her complaining. Maybe try shutting it down instead of arguing. Tell her you wont listen to rude whining as thats what toddlers do and will speak to her when she talks politely. completely ignore her until she does speak nice. Arguing feeds the attention she wants.
you could always tell her too that her behaviour is causing concern and as a family you will all attend counselling. Just sending her singles her out but she still get help this way.
I know its hard. Our family has had its own struggles too. Just try to stay calm and don’t react. Kids cant control their emotions very well and it can escalate quickly.
good luck

Haven’t read the whole thread but wonder if you’ve considered treating this like toddler tantrums and just ignoring what you don’t like rather than engaging… that doesn’t mean don’t set any limits but try to be matter of fact and consistent about them.

Not in any way implying that’s an easy route to take, but reminds me more of my three year old than anything else! A PP said it sounds like she feels safe enough to behave horribly with you, so let that be true and just see if it blows itself out without any oxygen. Can it be harder than constantly engaging and escalating the problem?

eg. What’s for dinner? / X is for dinner/ shouty hissy fit / ignore, call her for dinner, she doesn’t eat it, ignore, she asks what else there is - let her know what’s available that she could make herself without getting aerated about it. If she asks why you won’t “discuss” dinner options with her say you don’t engage when being spoken to like that and go about your business.

eg. why don’t you dye your hair like X’s mum? /
I prefer not to because I don’t want the expense or hassle of maintaining it.
Or, I don’t believe in perpetuating the belief that a women’s value lies in looking youthful.
Or, I like it the way it is

ie. Dad’s so short /
Yes he is.
Or, he’s average height.

sounds like a nightmare though - you have my sympathies 💐

What an entitled little brat.. Bin America. She does not deserve to go. That'll make her think...

You say you don't pander to her, but you give her 3 meal options? She's 17, and is more than capable of cooking herself a meal (and cleaning up after) if she doesn't what you are offering. Tough love is needed (tougher than taking away an Xbox or Nintendo) give her real world tough love. She wants to go out with mates? She pays, from a job that she has to find herself. She wants to go somewhere, she gets a bus herself, no more mums taxi. If she then starts to behave and stops being such a brat, maybe you can help her out occasionally!

Coming from a younger sibling who had a "difficult" older sibling... stick to your guns and put your foot down.
Teenage years are tricky but there is no need for rudeness and that needs to be nipped in the bud immediately. It sounds like you have cared for your child fantastically on a number of levels, so there really is no excuse.
I missed out once on a trip of a lifetime and it didn't kill me... through no fault of my own either.
Allowing this behaviour to continue will only provide a bad example for your younger child, thankfully sounds like they have different personalities but nonetheless would be good to set the groundwork now.
Hope this struggle doesn't continue for too long.
Xx

@LardiLaLardiLi really interesting post. May I ask what turned things around for you?

This sounds so familiar. I was at my wits end with my DD. She was hurtful and cruel, violent and frightening. I expect that your DDs trip to USA will be a relief for you. But just to let you know, that perseverance will win, you are there for her and that’s all she needs to know. My teenage nightmare is now a caring, respectful, considerate and mature young woman in her 20’s and I couldn’t be prouder of her.

PS, I did take her bedroom door off and leave it at a friends house as she had slammed it just once too often! It stayed off for two months.

Not read all the posts but you said you talk to her all the time about her poor behaviour. Do you ever talk to her about anything else? Also her comment about you liking her sister more is very telling. She knows you don't like her, that you think she's rude etc so she's just living up to your expectations of her.

I think my daughter got a bit like this but not so consistently. My instinctive answer is that whatever the reason she is doing this being “on her” too much would be feeding this anger and you will be in a constant war. I don’t mean to let her get away with it exactly but have you tried ignoring this behaviour but not be passive? Just don’t pick her up on it every time. It’ll be wearing but she might calm down and get bored if it isn’t fed by disapproval. Just ignore don’t comment walk away etc. so eg at the theatre just refuse to rise to any of it. Ignore. Sorry if you are already doing this. She may come back from US trip a different person. Re personal insults Id definitely show complete lack of interest it’s very common and they stop.

Yes this. I didn’t pick up the sister comparing that’s very not on for any reason.

She will grow out of it I was a “see u next Tuesday” as a teen

This.
OP , My DC behaves in a very similar way, In school DC is a perfectly behaved child but on coming home from school everything that has been building up all day is taken out on us in the form of rudeness and awful / upsetting behaviour. My DC is ND, has ADHD and anxiety disorder (all diagnosed between age 8 and 10) DC is now 13.
Also gets upset and obsessive about timekeeping / being late (even when we are not) and also obsessive about other things which has changed over time. I do think that some of it comes from not being in control of certain situations. I think your DD may have some issues OP as I’d say what you describe is pretty extreme behaviour for a NT 17 year old. Please don’t rule Autism or some other issue out. Perhaps a chat to your GP for a potential referral / assessment to figure out what is going on and a quiet chat with her (if you can) to try and understand why she is so angry. Are there any triggers / patterns that you can identify ? Like what is happening immediately before the bad behaviour / rudeness occurs.
Best wishes OP

Hi Op This situation sounds so stressful and hard for everyone, including your daughter. I strongly suggest you need professional help from a family practitioner as behaviours and responses have become so engrained.
There’s a distinction between disliking someone’s behaviour and them as a person and as a parent it’s so important it’s made and communicated.
She sounds like she is in a very sad place and is acting down to your perceived low expectations of her.
Really helpful for me were the books How to Talk so Teens will Listen and Listen so Teens will Talk and Nonviolent Communication - A Language of Life.
Good luck I hope you can turn things around.

Please listen to posts like these op. I was nowhere near as difficult as you teen dd. I was horrendously depressed and full of angst. I was the family scapegoat and needed years of therapy.

I am doing it so differently with my teen dd. A battle of wills never works because whoever wins, everyone loses. The relationship, unity, love, all diminished. Your dd is telling you over and over she is unhappy and prepared to fight. If you continue to fight, she will fight her until there is nothing else for her to lose and your relationship in tatters.

You want your dd to be closer to you. Fighting is in opposition to the goal.