To dislike my teenage daughter

[Iwishitwasdifferent]

Shes spoilt, rude and downright unkind to me. She can ruin any occasion with her behaviour and just doesn’t seem to care about me or the rest of her family.

Me, my DH (her dad) and her youngest sister who is 10 suffer as a result of her behaviour everyday and it’s getting to the point where we are all on countdown as to when she will leave home. She’s 17 so if she goes to university it will be in the next year or so.

I can see how this sounds and if I was reading it I would think what an awful thing for a parent to write. Background is she has always been a much loved child and DH and I have provided a loving secure home. DH and I both worked part time so there would always be a parent at home which meant DD always had friends back, was able to do lots of clubs and has an active social life. We have paid for her to attend clubs at school and this year are paying for her to go on a school trip to USA. We are not rich by any means so have explained to DD this will mean cutting back in other areas.

I don’t expect any praise or credit from DD for being a decent parent but I have told her I don’t expect to be treated like shit, which we all are.

Went to the theatre on Boxing Day and DD spent the whole time moaning about something or other, why had we got this train and not another one, why were our seats so crap, why couldn’t we pay £14 for a small coke for her, then moaning about the restaurant after, the food was crap, the service was crap etc etc My other DD and I needed the loo and she even moaned about that “why did we not have control of our bladder” this was our first trip to the loo in about 5 hours!

She insults my appearance asking why I don’t dye my hair, why I wasn’t wearing makeup, criticising my clothes and calling DH a “short man”. She feels it is ok to say all these hurtful things despite having parents who love her and try to do the best for her.

I just dislike her so much and am so concerned that this is who she is and will never change. Her personality is just awful. Friends tell me it’s because she’s a teenager but does this mean all teenagers are cruel?

Don't cancel the American trip. A. it will give you a break, B. Good independence for her, C. you would create huge resentment for years if you cancelled.

But do have a conversation with her that she could do her own cooking/food prep. Give her independence. Cook for the rest of you.

I also agree with you, no whole family holidays. Take younger DD to the restaurant next time. You can also do a one to one trip out/ activity with older DD but if there's just two of you there could be less stress. Or just leave her out of all trips out for a while.

Sorry to say it but you are just too nice, too soft, you love her and don’t want to hurt her or give her a reason to think you don’t, I did the same to my daughter and she was absolutely vile to me, so now you have to, absolutely HAVE to put a stop to this behaviour, contact the school about the USA trip and see if there’s a more deserving student that can’t afford to go? Don’t let it be about money when she’s in desperate need of boundaries and discipline, especially after she rules the roost and dictates every last detail. Pushing you is not on, how would you deal with a stranger or friend that behaved like her?

This happened to a friend of mine!
Mum asked her daughter to make a list of what she would eat.. Mum then worked out the cost and gave the daughter the money to get all her food for her weekly meals. When daughter came home, mum told her to put the food away. Huge strop and screaming from the daughter. Mu. said she didn't care because not only did she jave to put the food away but she also had to cook her own meals! It's been like this for a couple of months. Daughter IS invited to family events/meals but if she strops or moans she is uninvited straight away. Her behaviour was affecting the happiness and mental well being of the other children who prefer it if she doesn't attend family events.

Maybe this could work for you ?

I have a 17yr old who very seldom eats what my husband or I cook and he is a chef. I just say well get your own dinner then. Ignore it. Don't invite her to any more family outings tell her she obviously doesn't like going so you won't make her. Let her have her US trip it will give you a break. Arrange somewhere nice for the rest of you to enjoy while she is away. I was told some kids behave this way as their frontal lobes are not developing at the same pace as the rest of the brain but it sorts out in the end. My dad always said don't look at your kids till they're 21 then you will know what you have. If the arguing is getting the family down don't respond. Just walk away. Let her stomp to her room and slam the door. You then do what you want.

What she said .🔝I’m sure you’ve had years of bargaining with her , ‘If you want to do that, would you do this for me and your dad,etc., etc. Andbthe minute she has got it mum and dad can go fuck themselves . Sorry, I know it will be one of the hardest things you have done and, for a while, she’ll treat you all just that bit shittier. Has to be done or else how will she learn. She can still go her trip, your just not paying for it . Good luck, and give your younger one a cuddle of appreciation.

*you’re not paying …

I think I was your daughter a long time ago. I don’t think any of the threats / restrictions would have remotely worked for me. I pushed against my parents as I loved them and they were ‘safe’ to push against. Please bear with your daughter, she’ll be ok. Twenty years on I have a fantastic relationship with my parents albeit with longstanding horrendous guilt about how I behaved towards them.

She needs a job to learn the value of money,

I am so so so sorry you had to go through this.

A parent should have their child’s back even when the child is “bad”.

Your reaction is a normal human reaction.
There will be underlying reasons for her acting out. She may be in emotional pain and lashing out where she feels safe…eg with her family. The tricky thing is to find out what the issues are. Have her friends changed recently? Is she being bullied? Broken up with boyfriend? Feeling anxious about something? You need to connect to her to find out what is going on in her world and from her perspective. Once yoh know more you have a better chance of improving the situation.

Applying consequences may help. Another option is counselling if she needs someone else to talk to.

Hang on in there, try to connect to her and if needed get some help.

best

One thing that jumps out at me from this thread - your 17 year old is not being treated like an almost-adult. If she doesn't like what's being cooked she gets offered something else, going to theatre at Christmas with 10 year old sister etc..

My approach with my 17 and 19 year old is eat what we make or make something yourself (+ clean up), come with us to events or stay home but no complaining when there. I also have a 14 year old and there aren't many events they would go to together (except holidays and extended family stuff).
You sound like a lovely mum and she is being shitty to you. Back off a bit, lay down some ground rules and try not to let her see her behavior is affecting you.

Take the phone away or stop.paying for it.

Aren't you a useless POS, I can only imagine in all walks of life miserable CF no doubt 🤮

i have every sympathy as my teens both shout at me, the girl more so than the boy. Well done for the win over the washing! I also make them do jobs by threatening them. It’s not great but it works. It’s miserable really but having seen my niece go through it, I know they will come out the other side as nicer human beings 🤞

OP when i was a teenager and was being rude my parents paid for the trip and still didn't let me go.

that is the value of the lesson, see if the school can donate the place to an underprivileged student, let her see you mean business.

Why should she benefit when she is being so horrid at home, absolutely not on and no way you should be paying for this trip for her. your paying either way, she doesn't deserve it.

I do feel for you.
My daughter was exactly like this and I used to cry everyday as I disliked her so much.
It’s taken a while but she is now 33 and 4 years ago she met the most wonderful man, he is the best thing that could have happened to her.

Last year they had a baby boy and they were married just after his 1st birthday.
I’m sure your daughter will turn a corner, just keep loving her.

we’re in unfamiliar surroundings and she can’t cope.

So how will she cope in USA?

I’ve read all op’s posts. She seems to only act that way at home or around her parents. Her teachers rave about her, her friends love her and are shocked if they see her acting differently at home. She was chosen to represent her school athletic sport. They wouldn’t have chosen such a stroppy rude person no matter how good they were at sport. So her behavior is good everywhere except around you and at home.

It must have something to do with you, op. There is no other explanation that I can think of.

Are you sure you don’t favor your other daughter? Because that would explain everything.

I'm not sure why the OP was insisting on the DD putting a wash on. It's really not worth a battle. My 17yo has a pile of clothes that need washing, in fact half her floor is covered with clothes. I'm not sure she has anything to wear tomorrow, but that's not my problem. I certainly wouldn't be saying no friends over until she'd put a wash on - if friends were coming over she'd make an effort so at least they could walk across her floor. The consequence of not putting a wash on is not having clean clothes, not not having friends over. The DD is 17, not 7.

It sounds like you are treating her like a toddler still - feeling responsible for making food she will eat etc. She’s far too old for it to be your problem if she doesn’t like the meal you have planned. You need to stop trying to appease her when she’s horrible to you. If she doesn’t want what you’re cooking, she can make her own food, not your problem. Before you leave for an outing, you make it clear that the moment she starts being rude and ruining it for everyone else, she is opting out and will have to leave immediately and make her own way home. Just stop accepting it all. She’s going to be fending for herself soon so this all needs to stop or she’ll be a helpless mess in the real world.

OP your posts are suggesting autism/ND to me too - doesn't negate the need for boundaries though.

I couldn't agree more. I don't think that most of these people would play hardball with their own kids - but then again the majority of them are superior parents, whose offspring don't act out...

Surely the starting point is to try to find out what is causing the child (and yes, she's still a child in so very many ways!) to behave like this - alongside of 'consequences' - like "you don't want to eat my dinner, then make your own". I wouldn't have turned a hair either at the pile of dirty laundry - her loss when she wanted to wear something in that pile! I just closed the door on teen bedrooms - if they wanted to live like pigs, then they could! Pick your battles... Also @Iwishitwasdifferent - have you ever told her how her behaviour makes you feel? How it's totally unacceptable for her to lay a hand on you?

She’s definitely spoilt. I’m sorry but this points to her upbringing. What do you do when she’s mean and rude? If you don’t discipline or draw boundaries, Then, She will continue to do worse. Eg, why is she still going on a trip to the US? There should be consequences for any bad behaviour and she should know that.

I have to say when I first read your post I immediately thought about my diagnosed autistic daughter and her behaviour is just like this when she has high anxiety and is masking in school or when being sociable. Autism in girls is very different and is often missed due to them being very adept at masking but it can cause long term issues with mental health. Please look into it, many women are now being diagnosed later in life and have missed out on the help they could have had if diagnosed earlier. Please don’t give up on her, big hugs to you all, I have another child and at times life literally is hell here, I honestly do understand.

I want to just ask a question here, and it’s no offence meant at all, genuine curiosity. And I appreciate we only have the OP story and no further context, but, is it possible that the OP’s daughter might just be immature/spoilt/have no boundaries? Does behaviour like this always have to indicate some kind of SEND?
I am genuinely asking because it won’t be a great deal of time until my own child is a teenager and I am wondering what is to come 🤣