To dislike my teenage daughter

[Iwishitwasdifferent]

Shes spoilt, rude and downright unkind to me. She can ruin any occasion with her behaviour and just doesn’t seem to care about me or the rest of her family.

Me, my DH (her dad) and her youngest sister who is 10 suffer as a result of her behaviour everyday and it’s getting to the point where we are all on countdown as to when she will leave home. She’s 17 so if she goes to university it will be in the next year or so.

I can see how this sounds and if I was reading it I would think what an awful thing for a parent to write. Background is she has always been a much loved child and DH and I have provided a loving secure home. DH and I both worked part time so there would always be a parent at home which meant DD always had friends back, was able to do lots of clubs and has an active social life. We have paid for her to attend clubs at school and this year are paying for her to go on a school trip to USA. We are not rich by any means so have explained to DD this will mean cutting back in other areas.

I don’t expect any praise or credit from DD for being a decent parent but I have told her I don’t expect to be treated like shit, which we all are.

Went to the theatre on Boxing Day and DD spent the whole time moaning about something or other, why had we got this train and not another one, why were our seats so crap, why couldn’t we pay £14 for a small coke for her, then moaning about the restaurant after, the food was crap, the service was crap etc etc My other DD and I needed the loo and she even moaned about that “why did we not have control of our bladder” this was our first trip to the loo in about 5 hours!

She insults my appearance asking why I don’t dye my hair, why I wasn’t wearing makeup, criticising my clothes and calling DH a “short man”. She feels it is ok to say all these hurtful things despite having parents who love her and try to do the best for her.

I just dislike her so much and am so concerned that this is who she is and will never change. Her personality is just awful. Friends tell me it’s because she’s a teenager but does this mean all teenagers are cruel?

There’s no consequences for her behaviour . If anything you start suggesting different stuff

once she started screaming at me I’d ignore and ignore. Wants food. Tough she’ll have to make it. Wants something. The only way she can get a response or anything From me is to treat me with respect!

I volunteer with the homeless so I’d make them go and work there etc to see real life….

Girls (and also some autistic boys) are masters of masking!

much of what you say here about sensory overload, car radio, compulsive time keeping etc, all could point towards SEND difficulties.

I really think it would be worth speaking to CAMHS and trying to get an assessment before she’s 18 and won’t then be eligible for children’s services.

I have an 18 year old DD. Never been like that although can be stroppy or moody. She has a part time job which has to subsidise her social life. I appreciate the USA trip is difficult pull out of but your DD doesn't deserve it. My DH always says 'hit them whete it hurts - in their pocket'...it's difficult to know what to say, only that I hope she grows out of it. I also have 2 older sons, who at times were difficult, but are now fab...everyone is different, so I don't like people judging you, as a parent, but you've got to get tougher tbh. Abd rudeness is NOT allowed, ever.

Take away her trip? Or at least make her think so

taking away her console obviously isn’t doing it and you are pandering to her. You’re asking her what else she wants to eat!!!!!!!

CAMHS have a three year wait any which point she’ll be an adult!

Rather alarmed at those saying 'kick her out!' so flippantly.

I was a 'difficult' teenager, in the fact I talked back and had an attitude. From years of experience, I know realise I was pretty normal!

I also had a 'difficult' mum (I'm not saying you are!)

I was kicked out at 16 and went from being a grammar-school girl to living in a string of homeless-hostels (one was opposite where Fred West used to live), then getting involved in all sorts of substances, then getting council funding to go to rehab at 18. Number in a few sexual assaults amongst all of this.

I wasn't that bad to warrant all this.

I'm now a (really good!) mum and a teacher.

Don't kick your daughter out.

she doesn’t crawl under the covers, she abuses her parents. She is capable of behaving herself

Not in our county they don’t….fortunately.

If you’re really concerned about losing your money and you love her sister more

od tell her fine. You can go. However you must find it and you’ll only get us to pay the rest with good behaviour. There’s £400 to pay? Right you get £25 a week for days you’re good

take it back to basics and be really firm. Treat her like a toddler as such.

I’d tell her that the trip is off for a start.
It’s all very well ‘talking to her’, you need to start initiating some tough sanctions pdq.
My DD wasn’t easy but my god, she wouldn’t have h dared to behave like yours!

She simply needs to understand that every action has a consequence and this will be the case throughout her life. You seem to be trying to justify your own response by offering alternatives to her, continuing to support the USA trip etc. All would stop immediately unless a change in behaviour can be demonstrated - your daughter can then see there's a choice to be made and the consequence of that. It may cost a bit short term, financial and emotional but longer term it's being cruel to be kind. How long before daughter #2 realises there's something to be gained from such behaviour.

Mental health issues show themselves in many different ways. I've already written my sister's story on here but she was raped as a teenager, didn't tell anyone, and them 'acted out' a lot like this until it all came out in counselling later.

My initial reaction was she's spoilt, but then I've had similar behaviours from my daughter when she was this age. Incredibly unreasonable, mean, petty, downright nasty to her siblings. It took some very long conversations as well as me losing my temper a few times to get through it. She's now having treatment for anxiety, and some counselling, so whilst you do need to make it clear that you won't tolerate her behaviour, I think if you can get her to open up about stuff going on with school/exams/freinds/worries in general, you might find there's an issue that she needs help and support with.

Many children and young people with SEND difficulties would look like they were being abusive to onlookers who don’t live in that house day in day out.

Before our DS17 was diagnosed aged 10 as autistic with traits of PDA, he was pretty violent - mostly hurting himself but would go round the house pulling bedclothes off, throwing furniture, kicking out at me on the floor if I tried to move him, threatening to kill himself, refusing school and much more. However, once someone on mumsnet suggested we have him assessed for autism and specifically PDA, we were able to research and find alternative ways of parenting.

We went full steam ahead into ‘Zero demand parenting’ and although it was quite strange to get used to for us as parents, it worked 100%pretty much straight away and the meltdowns stopped.

When I say zero demand, I mean any perceived demand, including eating, sleeping and talking. And ‘zero demand parenting’ isn’t simply saying no to everything and not asking them to do anything, it’s about changing the way we told/asked him to do anything.
For our family, it worked and for many others it works.

I’m not assuming the OP’s DD is autistic or would benefit from zero demand parenting - I’m just saying she may just need a special needs assessment and a different way of parenting.

Give her an ultimatum about the foreign trip. Either do a, b & c all the time until the trip, or you will not be going. Then decide on future strategies with her to get you through sixth form!

People are talking about autism and SEND, which might be relevant in a very small number of cases , but let's not forget - teenagers are NUTS! Their brains are underdeveloped (until the age of 25) and they are biologically programmed to be selfish arseholes in order to separate from their parents. Unless they are psychopaths, give them a break.

If your DD is Neurodiverse then the 'exemplary' behaviour she displays at school might be masking. The explosive bheaivour at home could be as a result of her holding it in for hours at a time then it all spills out in her safe space. This doesn't make it acceptable but it might make it explainable. (Source: Lived it).

What @JustJustWhy said

I feel profoundly depressed by this thread. It makes me realise how many of us (and I definitely include my former self in this) lack even a basic understanding of how the human psyche works.

A child who is behaving unusually badly is in unusual amounts of pain.

That should be everyone's starting point.

As for those who see it as a battle to the death or 'if she's on top then I'm underneath' - honestly, have a think about the way you view the world. You don't lose when someone else wins, honestly. You all win. The goal is the maximum happiness for the maximum number.

Also OP - all those who recommend socking it to your DD are projecting their own pain. Most of them would not do the same to their own kids, and those that do are the kind of people that most of us would avoid in real life.

It is perfectly feasible for a child with ASD to do well in school, have friends, all of the above you mention because girls particularly are very good at masking and mimicking their friends - but this can leave them completely drained and have no resources left to ‘behave’ when at home, I’m no expert but having a teenager myself who has been recently diagnosed at 14, I am perhaps sensitive to these traits and behaviours, it does no harm to explore the possibility and rule it out - because once she is off at Uni or away from you, she will struggle and wonder why she is struggling, so many girls get missed with ASD particularly and I suppose I am sharing on here just to raise awareness. If it turns out that she is just being a typical teenager at least you have ruled it out? Taking an interest will at least tell your daughter that you care enough to wonder why she is acting up. It might even resolve the bad behaviour. Worth a try. Hope things improve for you soon, one way or another. X

Haven't RTFT but I would be ruling out an eating disorder and thinking about neurodiversity. Anxiety often presents as anger.

I like my teenagers! They are awesome people. I enjoy spending time with them. I admire them very much. They are human and sometimes get things a bit wrong, but they bring far more joy into my life than stress.

The behaviour OP is describing is NOT normal. Teenagers are just people. They are not somehow excused from being expected to act like people.

Hi
I would stop paying for her make up, clothes, paying for her phone and giving her pocket money.
Stop making separate meals.
Tell her that if she wants make up etc she needs to get a part time job. After she gets back from the USA. Tell her that you will not be paying for any school trips etc until her behaviour is 100 % better.
Good luck. Stay strong!

I had similar to you OP, with one of ours. Coming down firmly didn't work, nor did fighting it out, confrontation, laying down consequences. I'm an older parent now and see things retrospectively. Speaking for myself I wish I'd managed to 'simply' stop short and ask what was it really all about and what was it that I/we could do differently to support in a way that was needed rather than us firing off what little energy there was left. Needs weren't being met anywhere for anyone. It took leaving home and lots of time. Lots. No-one ever managed to make anything any easier for long. Getting along is two way and we ended up without even one so I'm blown away by the loving relationship we have now. Hold out OP