To dislike my teenage daughter

[Iwishitwasdifferent]

Shes spoilt, rude and downright unkind to me. She can ruin any occasion with her behaviour and just doesn’t seem to care about me or the rest of her family.

Me, my DH (her dad) and her youngest sister who is 10 suffer as a result of her behaviour everyday and it’s getting to the point where we are all on countdown as to when she will leave home. She’s 17 so if she goes to university it will be in the next year or so.

I can see how this sounds and if I was reading it I would think what an awful thing for a parent to write. Background is she has always been a much loved child and DH and I have provided a loving secure home. DH and I both worked part time so there would always be a parent at home which meant DD always had friends back, was able to do lots of clubs and has an active social life. We have paid for her to attend clubs at school and this year are paying for her to go on a school trip to USA. We are not rich by any means so have explained to DD this will mean cutting back in other areas.

I don’t expect any praise or credit from DD for being a decent parent but I have told her I don’t expect to be treated like shit, which we all are.

Went to the theatre on Boxing Day and DD spent the whole time moaning about something or other, why had we got this train and not another one, why were our seats so crap, why couldn’t we pay £14 for a small coke for her, then moaning about the restaurant after, the food was crap, the service was crap etc etc My other DD and I needed the loo and she even moaned about that “why did we not have control of our bladder” this was our first trip to the loo in about 5 hours!

She insults my appearance asking why I don’t dye my hair, why I wasn’t wearing makeup, criticising my clothes and calling DH a “short man”. She feels it is ok to say all these hurtful things despite having parents who love her and try to do the best for her.

I just dislike her so much and am so concerned that this is who she is and will never change. Her personality is just awful. Friends tell me it’s because she’s a teenager but does this mean all teenagers are cruel?

Exactly the above.

if she’s pleasant she earns back something. Like her phone. Grotty shitbag it goes again.

if she wants to behave worse than a toddler treat her like it.

As far as the USA trip- I’d be making her earn the money for spends and she only goes if there’s a massive shift in behaviour and she does jobs around the house/for you so she earns it. Tell her she will not go unless her behaviour changes. Stick to it!

Mine are trying to push boundaries but a simple no football training/ no drama club/ friends over stops it after a minor tantrum in their bedroom. Fine!

Mine offer to help with dinner, make hot drinks, help with younger sibling, help out day to day. As they should so they are fully aware of how a household runs smoothly. That washing needs to be done and how for example- how to cook meals They are prepared and ready for a time when they choose to move out.

Would your dd know how to use a washer?

I agree with a part time job too. It will give her independence and self worth, as well as a way to save for her trip. No pocket money or spends from you or dh.

As far as her attitude towards your Christmas gift. That’s utterly appalling.
Dont waste your money on her until there’s drastic improvement! Not just for a day. A few months. Then I may consider paying for phone contracts etc.

Tell her she needs to sort out her attitude, learn to have/show respect for other people and get a job if she wants to go to America, she needs to pay a percentage of the outstanding balance or she simply doesn’t go because you’ve had enough and you’re not putting up with it anymore. Well this is what I would do anyway.

This.

she is so awful because you allowed her to. Stop cutting benefits until she realises that families are meant to be teams not servants and that everyone deserves respect.

Also agree with msbonz. The other teen excusing this by saying how “stressed “ the girl may be - don’t care you are you don’t treat anyone least of all a loving mother like that. Not acceptable.

She’s just being a rude obnoxious teenager and it’s a bloody nightmare when it happens to you - my son was the golden child, bright, kind, funny, then he turned 16 and an absolute angry monster took his place - he’d argue black was white and vice versa, a rude party boy on speed etc… but weirdly still managed to stay charming to his teachers and met his educational goals etc. Family members reassured me etc and said he will come out if it and sure enough he has - he’s 21 finished Uni now and back to normal. Stay strong, hormones are at play

I'm so sorry to hear you're having such problems. Your DD's behaviour reminds me of my older brother when he was a child and into teen years. Our parents were 'challenging' (that's a whole new thread!) however his behaviour towards the rest of the family throughout the time he was growing up was just dreadful. He ended up leaving home age 17 and didn't have contact with the rest of the family until he was about 30.
When he did get back in contact, it turned out that his behaviour was due to his being so miserably unhappy throughout his childhood. He said he was just not a happy kid, he hated where the family lived, hated the family lifestyle, hated the school he went to etc.. and as a child, he was unable to articulate what was making him so upset.
If your DD has always behaved badly towards you and the family I wonder whether your DD has a similar problem and doesn't yet have the maturity or ability to articulate just 'what' is making her so upset/angry.
I hope for her sake as much as yours that between you, you are able to find our the root cause of her problems and find some agreeable solution so that you are all able to live happily together.
Good luck!

Awww it’s hard isn’t it - but please don’t tell her you can’t wait for her to leave.

stop rewards…
ask her for help with cooking !
get her to do her washing, hoover etc…
she needs boundries; imagine if she doesn’t get into Uni or doesn’t want to go down that path, don’t make her feel pushed out (easy to say)…
tough love is what’s needed I hope it works out.
my Teen was a nightmare but us the most loving Daughter now and a super Mum and business woman - good luck xxx happy new year xxx

My daughter acts like this and she is autistic. Not saying that is what is happening, but girls do present differently many times and it is much harder for them to get diagnosed. And just because she has a social life doesn't mean she treats them much better. She probably does to a point, but if she is on the spectrum, she is masking with them a lot and then she stops when she gets home, because that is her safe space. How much warning did she get before the boxing day trip? Even if you told her a week before, she may not have remembered, so it may have felt like you just announced that everyone was going out and she was caught off guard. For introverts, autistic, ADHD, depression, etc this sort of thing will put you in extreme anxiety. Not saying it is any one thing or the other, but there is something going on. Also, being social at school doesn't mean she is not bullied. you can have friends, go to clubs, sports, and still be bullied. Sometimes even in the friend group.
And some of it is just regular teenage behavior.

It's also a symptom of a parent who's willing to be your butler. Not everything has or needs a label.

I'm not so sure that this is MH issues. She behaves well at school and with her friends? This is a girl who knows how to behave and is choosing to abuse you.

Are you ok, do you need adult duly to hold your hand and teach you some kindness and empathy? You seem to be lacking!

The book ‘how to talk so kids will listen’ get the book and the workbook and do it with your husband so you are both talking the same language. You will see results from the first lesson. This is no way to live and your daughter will feel loads better about herself when she’s not being so horrible.

You should have nipped it in the bud ages ago when she started. It sounds to have snowballed and is now pretty extreme. You need to take control, tell her her behaviour isn't acceptable, and impose consequences on her. Stop being a pushover and grow a pair.

Have you ever considered her behaviours are a communication for something deeper? There is a deeper problem here which won’t be fixed with consequences. Talk to her and ask her is there a reason why she is the way she is. maybe it’s something to do with her sister? Do you spend more time with her? Is she resentful of her?

is there anything else that’s going on?

I’ve come out of probably a 10 year break from mumsnet just to say wow, this sounds EXACTLY like our family life. I feel exactly the same about everything you’ve said but it makes me so sad to see it written down. We are thinking of trying to get our DD tested for ADHD/ASD as we’ve been wondering if that may be a factor. Seeing so many comments supporting that theory in your situation surprises me as I thought we may be grasping at straws. No advice other than hope you find peace with whatever the outcome.

Taking away her phone at 17 won’t help

She needs real consequences- I would for every time she’s rude - say NO to the next three requests.

If she doesn’t want what you cook - tell her to cook her own.

I have for the past 3 years refused to take my teens on holiday - between them they ruined the last expensive holiday we were on. I said no more and meant it - stop taking her she can save and go with friends.

Thought the exact same as you..

@Snowpixi

who does?

Sounds really hard. Especially after all you've done for her and how you've set up your working lives to be home with her over the years.

My strong suggestion is to spend some 1:1 time with her. Just you and her, doing something lovely together - something that she would enjoy. Enter into her world and hang out. Don't need to spend much / any money, but do something fun together.

When children behave this week (even teenage ones) it's a sign that they're unhappy and there's something going on for them.

So call a friend or therapist, vent & cry about how awful you're finding her. Get out your emotions so that you can be calmer when you're with her.

The more you can work on your relationship, the better. And then she will be less likely to behave this way, more likely to open up about what's going on for her, and your family life with her will improve.

If you just focus on punishments then things are not going to get better. So let her go on the holiday, but talk with her about how she can contribute towards it.

But definitely bring in limits / boundaries such as not cooking more than one meal, etc.

You need to bring a balance between limits and connection. But connection is always what's needed as a baseline. Good luck!

You say she is spoilt and rude and you dislike her. Who has spoiled her and has she been taught manners, but ignores them. Teenagers play up for certain, but boundaries need to be set and if they are broken there needs to be consequences. Parents are parents and not best friends. I don’t understand how you can dislike your own child.

I feel for you OP. I’ve got an arsehole teen too and its really bloody difficult.
what I’ve found most effective is to disengage. She complained about the timing of the family holiday this year so we went without her, she complains about the food we cook then she goes hungry or has to forage in the cupboards, complains in a shop, I walk out and leave her there. She wants a reaction

At her nicest she can be a delight so it shows she is choosing to behave like this. At her worst, I called the police.

CAMHS were involved for a little while but essentially they said she is a teenager. Some push the boundaries more than others.

I also have a 15 yr old who is the complete opposite, kind, helpful, studious, her sister’s behaviour affects us all and I’m holding onto the hope that she grows out of it soon 😩

A lot of people with MH issues are able to mask outside of the home and then fall to pieces at home. In the past when I've struggled, I've managed to maintain a completely normal life at work, my colleagues wouldn't have had a clue, then I'd go home and crawl under the covers and not be able to come out all evening. Doesn't mean I was faking it and actually fine.

I’ve been reading all the messages. Yes I have wondered if DD is autistic. However, she has always been social, lots of friends, lots of clubs and interests, popular at school and well liked. Doing well with her studies and teachers rave about her. She was chosen to represent her school for a major sporting event. Her friends when they have witnessed her awful behaviour at home are visibly shocked and some have even picked her up on it. I remember taking her and a friend out for a meal and the friend actually telling my dd not to be so rude to me!!

The trip on Boxing Day was to see a show she wanted to see. But as soon as we left the house her obsession with time keeping started up. I have learnt not to give specific times. If I said for example we’re leaving at 9 if we didn’t leave at 9 on the dot then she starts getting angrier and angrier. In the car even though we have plenty of time to drive to the venue she will go on and on and on about being late. We can’t have the radio on as she says it gives her “sensory overload” intact her behaviour just deteriorates and I have wondered if it is because we’re in unfamiliar surroundings and she can’t cope.

In terms of punishment and consequences I have just given one. DD had a huge pile of dirty washing in her room getting bigger and bigger. I’ve been asking her for days to put on a wash to which she screamed (and yes she does scream I’m not over exaggerating) NO GET OUT. So today I gave her one hour to put a wash on with the consequence that she can’t have any friends over unless she does this. She did it!

errrrr

it is unusual! I would never of spoken to my mother like that. Nor would my child!!

This a long thread which I can’t go through. But just to say to OP. I feel for you. Have been there with a vile male teenager, who put me through so many wringers, I went grey! It took him until 21 or so to grow up and stop being utterly obnoxious. There was a lot. Much more than your daughter is doing. But he did transform into a delightful young man with a job, girlfriend, own flat etc. Just try to pick your battles. And know that she will get better. My younger son was mainly an easy-going soul. So don’t think it was my poor parenting! Good luck. I will get better. Promise!