To dislike my teenage daughter

[Iwishitwasdifferent]

Shes spoilt, rude and downright unkind to me. She can ruin any occasion with her behaviour and just doesn’t seem to care about me or the rest of her family.

Me, my DH (her dad) and her youngest sister who is 10 suffer as a result of her behaviour everyday and it’s getting to the point where we are all on countdown as to when she will leave home. She’s 17 so if she goes to university it will be in the next year or so.

I can see how this sounds and if I was reading it I would think what an awful thing for a parent to write. Background is she has always been a much loved child and DH and I have provided a loving secure home. DH and I both worked part time so there would always be a parent at home which meant DD always had friends back, was able to do lots of clubs and has an active social life. We have paid for her to attend clubs at school and this year are paying for her to go on a school trip to USA. We are not rich by any means so have explained to DD this will mean cutting back in other areas.

I don’t expect any praise or credit from DD for being a decent parent but I have told her I don’t expect to be treated like shit, which we all are.

Went to the theatre on Boxing Day and DD spent the whole time moaning about something or other, why had we got this train and not another one, why were our seats so crap, why couldn’t we pay £14 for a small coke for her, then moaning about the restaurant after, the food was crap, the service was crap etc etc My other DD and I needed the loo and she even moaned about that “why did we not have control of our bladder” this was our first trip to the loo in about 5 hours!

She insults my appearance asking why I don’t dye my hair, why I wasn’t wearing makeup, criticising my clothes and calling DH a “short man”. She feels it is ok to say all these hurtful things despite having parents who love her and try to do the best for her.

I just dislike her so much and am so concerned that this is who she is and will never change. Her personality is just awful. Friends tell me it’s because she’s a teenager but does this mean all teenagers are cruel?

No suggestions I’m afraid but I can relate to literally everything you said. My eldest is 13 and sounds exactly like your daughter. He speaks to me with such dislike, calls me names, some being disgusting words and sometimes about my appearance. He goes against everything I ask of him. Complains about everything. He’s decided he doesn’t like my side of the family (which is very small now as I’ve lost my mum and dad so his only close relative on my side is my sister who has no family of her own.) He’s adamant he’s moving to his Nana’s house when he’s 14 in the summer. He shouts at me about anything and everything, I stay as calm as I can until I can’t anymore and start yelling back. My youngest then hates hearing us. His dad and I don’t live together and his dad doesn’t have his own house but he comes round regularly. Things are usually amicable between his dad and I except occasionally I get wound up and frustrated having him here. And as for a school holiday, like you I’ve signed him up to a school holiday to Malaysia. We never go on holiday abroad and I feel this is a wonderful opportunity for him and am willing to pay to send him. I’m not well-off at all, a single parent with a part-time job in a school so not well paid in the slightest. His dad isn't keen on him going as he hates the idea of him being on the other side of the world and on a plane. Who’s the parent sending him? Me! Who’s the parents he detests? Me!

He’s currently having counselling to try to help our relationship as none of us think this is regular teenage behaviour. I cry a lot and at weekends I wake up and wonder what’s the point in getting up as I’ll just be verbally attacked and miserable once we’re together. If I saw another child like this I’d really dislike them but this is my own!

I struggle to discipline now as I feel things have gone too far. I used to do my best at it but often if I punished him he’d punish be back! He controls me and knows it. His dad is a waste of space when it comes to discipline, he’s so soft, easy going, has no rules and ignores mine. That won’t have helped my case all these years.

I totally feel for you.

Did she really say 'this isn't a 5 star'? She sounds like she had no concept of money and a bit of a snob. I would have never expected a 5 star hotel growing up. Do all her friends come from money? Maybe she doesn't realise how much things cost especially now.

I think university would be good for her, especially if she moves away from home and learns to pay for things herself and if she asks you to pay for everything say no.

University was a huge wake up call for myself. I got a part time job and saved to travel the world. Me and my mam didn't get on when I lived at home but now we are really close. We clashed on everything as we were constantly seeing each other. Maybe some distance will make her appreciate you more.

I remember being a teen and not proud of some of my behaviour, including moaning to my friend that I was upset at missing a party due to my grannies funeral. I was being an arse and think I turned out ok when I grew up a bit.

Regarding cooking - I would defo change the response. Hand the choice over to her for her to cook her own tea in the future. I sometimes think when teens are using boundaries to push back, being more helpful as a parent annoys them even more....😂

At 17 my son was moaning about dinner choices and said to me - why can't I cook myself. So I said fine. He sorted his own tea majority of time since, unless we were doing something he really liked, or having a take away treat. He was then really grateful when we supplied tea. By the time he left for Uni he was really a competent cook.

Both my kids did their own clothes washing by age of 16. (Helps I would lose their stuff in ironing piles in laundry baskets...) Again when I offered if I was doing a particular wash it was more appreciated.

Sell it as a positive - help her prepare for uni and that she can then cook what she wants - just needs to add a list for your shop and be competent with laundry.

Good luck.

There is light at the end of the tunnel I promise you. We found ourselves in exactly the same position, our home was a miserable, stressful place with our teenage daughter there and we were also counting the days until she started university. She had a complete personality change when she was 13, it was so extreme that we were blindsided at a parents evening where we were used to glowing reports but her behaviour and attitude change in class was so bad we were asked if anything significant had happened at home! Despite being raised in a loving home with respect, manners, unwavering support and endless opportunities she became sulky, rude, distant, dirty, lazy and lied to us constantly. This continued throughout senior school and in to college. We were at our wits end, you love your children but nobody talks about the guilt you feel when you don’t particularly like them. We are big talkers in our family so constantly sat her down to discuss any problems, bullying, drugs, sexuality, etc and made it clear time after time that there was nothing we couldn’t handle as a family but she needed to open up and tell us. We tried punishing her bad behaviour, incentivising her, rewarding good behaviour etc. we also considered addictions to gaming so removed the console from her room and also confiscated her mobile phone but she just smuggled a friends spare one in to her bedroom. She never once opened up and continued to lie, right to our faces, to the extent that we can no longer believe a word that she says. She left home last September and since she has gone it’s like a huge black storm cloud has lifted and home is delightful once more. We, like you, wish things were different but they aren’t, she has to take responsibility for the way she treats you and others eventually and learn that there are consequences. I hope this helps you a little.

@rachellovesdouglas

just tell your daughters they’re not invited when you go out with your pals!

you’re right - it’s your time now!

I would try to cancel that trip unless she sorts herself out. I was out in the big wide world at that age. She needs to be more respectful of her parents firstly!

Have you considered either talking to CAMHS,or family therapy? This isn't normal stroppy behaviour

This

I think one thing that is important is that you and your husband need to be on the same hymn sheet . You need to get your heads together and decide on what is acceptable and what is not and then clamp down . If you feel you can not back out of the USA trip now make sure she knows in no uncertain terms that this is the last time you will pay for anything including family holidays or meals because she is ungrateful so she can earn her own money and only come if she pays . Perhaps that I might sharpen her behaviour if she has to pay . No pandering to meals. If she carries on making a fuss give her a weekly allowance and she can buy and cook all her own meals .

Her behaviour may well be simply teenager as hormones - but h as e you ever considered whether she might be neurodiverse? Some of her behaviours sound like a fundamental lack of empathy an DM her rig Doty I’ve RD wha
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Yeah - that trip to the USA should be off the table. Immediately.

There's got to be an underlying cause for her behaviour. It sounds like she needs help. This is defintitely more than teenage behaviour. Could even be a hormone imbalance. Please try and get her some help. She's unhappy.

Next time she starts just calmly point out that she’s embarrassing herself then just ignore any further comments. Disengage from this behaviour and don't be pulled into her unnecessary drama. No one needs it, ignore it. No audience, no show.

Sorry sent too soon - her rigidity over what she will eat is a classic ASD symptom… it might be worth getting her some therapy sessions to see whether you need to drill down what is going on in her head.. maybe she’s depressed and acting out to try to
get your attention… sometimes the kids who act in the most unlovable ways are the ones most in need of love x

Sorry op - she does sound spoilt - you need much firmer consequences than taking away phone - no trip for a start and no money, no lifts, nothing extra. She needs to know she can’t behave like this

Show her this thread - let her see how many people think she is a totally ungrateful spoilt little Princess !

failing that both you and your DH need to distance yourselves from her - talk to her when only absolutely necessary. Stop cooking for her, stop doing her washing (its in preparation for her going to uni) stop giving lifts, in general stop doing things for her. This is for your own mental health and the other members of your family, she has to learn actions have consequences. Another suggestion she goes to live with another family member.

good luck.

I had a step-daughter who went like that at about the same age. We longed for her to go to uni and give us some peace - she did, then she came back even worse; entitled, super full of her own importance having gained a 2:1 (much of the work done by her mother!) and bought so much misery to our lives that it was either walk away from the love of my life, or take my own life ( I was DESPERATE!).
I packed everything up and filed for divorce, naming my step-daughter in the petition.
it broke my heart to leave her mum, and I would never have done so had her narcissist/sociopath daughter not worked so hard, cool, calculated and full of hatred, to drive a wedge between us.
I miss my ex-wife EVERY day, but have a wonderful life with my second wife, after a LOT of counselling.
Had I stayed I dread to think of what I may have been driven to.

I’d advise: make a plan on which you both agree. Never back down from that plan - Go in hard, and be prepared to chuck her out after uni if she doesn’t toe the line!

Maybe she is just stroppy teenager but maybe she is struggling with mental health. This behaviour can be part of Borderline Personality Disorder, if she has always been like this she may have been born with it (not common but possible). Something that might be worth looking into.

Really sounds like there's something more going on here whatever that may be. Have you fully explored all possibilities that she's struggling emotionally with a situation or general anxiety for some reason?

Have you considered all possibilities that there MAY be a neurodivergence of some sort? These things are most definitely NOT always blindingly obvious, especially with females. Many females go their entire lives as undiagnosed neurodivergent. This may not be the case at all and it may be hormonal./teenage rebellion. I'm putting all this to you so that you consider every possibility beyond letting people on here blame you for not being firm enough. Boundaries may be part of it but I sense there's more.

If things are as disruptive as they sound I'd ask if she wants o see a counsellor and pay privately for her to see one. That may help with whatever the cause is.

Definitely a spoilt brat she didn't want what you where cooking for dinner so you offered alternatives. Your doing her cv taking her to job interviews when was the last time you told her no ? As for chucking the card that you live her sister more thats just a tactic to make you change your mind. Got to admit if I had a kid I didn't like in my house and was shoving me noway would I be paying for a school trip to USA. Tell her she has to pay the rest or change her attitude.

Nothing about this is helpful at all. Children are not all the same and you are not( helping the Op in any way

Lots of responses already and I've not read them all - apologies. I had a very rough time with my teenage daughter for about a year, so I sympathise! You sound like a loving parent doing some rather advanced parenting. I'd try two things. First approach is to scale back your involvement and accept that a 17 year old needs different parenting to a 10y old - for example, a 17 year old should be able to cook their own meal if they don't fancy what's on offer. They should keep their room tidy (or else live in a pigsty - their choice). They don't need to be involved in family events anymore if they don't want to, etc. Parenting is more about explaining and enforcing teenager's responsibilities and helping them only when they ask for help or there is a life-or-death risk at play. My second thought is: could this be autism and inability to read social cues, express feelings and generally get on with people? Autistic people often come across as rude when they're simply unable to do better - they need lots of gentle support not criticism to become better with social interactions. I know because my daughter is autistic.

Last but not least, make sure you look after yourself. If you're not in a good place yourself (drained, frustrated etc) you won't be able to be a good parent. Try some parenting classes for support perhaps? (I have.) Remember the basics too - good sleep, good exercise, positive social interactions (with your own friends).

All the best 💐

Tough love needed.
She may decide to leave home. So be it. At present you are rewarding even encouraging inappropriate behaviour.

She may have MH problems or something you as a Mum are not privy to - Boy friend or girlfriend crushes perhaps?
Could contact childrens mental health but the wait is long and they’ll not work with her at 18 as she’s then considered to be an adult.
I do hope you’re getting some support for yourself.

Sometimes when children behave like this, if they do eventually open up, they’ll say things like they think they have a personality disorder and don’t understand why they feel the way they do or say the things they do. What they mean is, they don’t really understand their own feelings and are unhappy - they are feeling bad about themselves, or out of control (or controlled by others’ expectations), and are lashing out. I think, given the way she is getting underneath your skin so that you lash out in turn and say the things she is expecting to hear (that you hate holidaying with her and can’t wait for her to leave home), it is not a good idea just to go cancelling things and punishing her, because that’s what she is angling for you to do, to prove to herself that she is right to be feeling at best tolerated, angry and unloved. I think maybe you do need to find a third party therapist of some sort, if you can find someone you trust to recommend one and if you can persuade her to see one. They can then be a neutral sounding board who can help her understand her thought processes better and learn alternatives to ingrained behaviours without feeling judged and maybe give you some pointers on how not to make her feel smothered and controlled, or judged and disapproved of, or whatever it is that is making her so angry.

hello!
teenage daughter here. (18)
it’s perfectly normal to act out during one’s teenage years, young people are programmed to push boundaries in order to figure out their place in society. but this is that step too far.
if she’s complaining about money, and how you won’t buy her a £14 coke, (understandable, that’s way too expensive) i suggest she learns the value of money herself. she should get a job. when she learns just how hard it is to earn a fiver, she’ll calm down.
im also wondering about her mental health. have you noticed her struggling at all? quite often people will isolate themselves and push away those they love when they’re going through something. maybe see if she’s interested in therapy? it might be difficult if she’s not listening to you, but looking into some external support can’t hurt.
and yes, she should calm down soon. 17 is a difficult age, school is hard and applying for university is stressful.
hope all goes well!