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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To dislike my teenage daughter

808 replies

Iwishitwasdifferent · 01/01/2023 18:23

Shes spoilt, rude and downright unkind to me. She can ruin any occasion with her behaviour and just doesn’t seem to care about me or the rest of her family.

Me, my DH (her dad) and her youngest sister who is 10 suffer as a result of her behaviour everyday and it’s getting to the point where we are all on countdown as to when she will leave home. She’s 17 so if she goes to university it will be in the next year or so.

I can see how this sounds and if I was reading it I would think what an awful thing for a parent to write. Background is she has always been a much loved child and DH and I have provided a loving secure home. DH and I both worked part time so there would always be a parent at home which meant DD always had friends back, was able to do lots of clubs and has an active social life. We have paid for her to attend clubs at school and this year are paying for her to go on a school trip to USA. We are not rich by any means so have explained to DD this will mean cutting back in other areas.

I don’t expect any praise or credit from DD for being a decent parent but I have told her I don’t expect to be treated like shit, which we all are.

Went to the theatre on Boxing Day and DD spent the whole time moaning about something or other, why had we got this train and not another one, why were our seats so crap, why couldn’t we pay £14 for a small coke for her, then moaning about the restaurant after, the food was crap, the service was crap etc etc My other DD and I needed the loo and she even moaned about that “why did we not have control of our bladder” this was our first trip to the loo in about 5 hours!

She insults my appearance asking why I don’t dye my hair, why I wasn’t wearing makeup, criticising my clothes and calling DH a “short man”. She feels it is ok to say all these hurtful things despite having parents who love her and try to do the best for her.

I just dislike her so much and am so concerned that this is who she is and will never change. Her personality is just awful. Friends tell me it’s because she’s a teenager but does this mean all teenagers are cruel?

OP posts:
Harls1969 · 02/01/2023 18:24

Hi OP, I haven't read the whole thread but I have read your posts. Sounds like absolute hell, but dodgy behaviour is always to get a need met. If she doesn't like what you're cooking - that's tough. Don't offer alternatives, eat it or go without - don't back down but if she wants to make some toast etc she can. You don't make it for her. Outings - you give her the choice to go or not go - if she wants to go, she is not to moan. If she does start moaning - ignore it but make sure she gets plenty of attention if she's being positive or just not moaning. Try to have a laugh with her and talk to her as another adult. Try not to react when she's being nasty and certainly don't tell her you can't wait for her to leave - she's already feeling insecure and probably scared about leaving home. Make sure you tell her you love her often, even when she's being a cow. She calls you names or is rude, you respond with 'That's fine, but I still love you.' Kill her with kindness, have firm boundaries, make sure she always has a choice (to eat the meal or not to eat it). Please don't take things off her, she's 17 not 7, it will just make her misbehave more. Good luck, it will pass

Sillyname63 · 02/01/2023 18:24

It could be hormonal, they are raging at that age but you and your husband definitely need to take a firm stand with her set boundaries and say this is what is for food if it doesn't suit you you can either suggest something or cook your own but you have to clear up the kitchen after. Days out say this were we are going if you want to come no moaning while we are there . I would also suggest a visit to her GP, to discuss her anger issues say you will go with her but stay outside for her to talk to the doctor alone . She needs to be feel supported but not pandered to.

Fairfatandforty · 02/01/2023 18:25

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myblackboots · 02/01/2023 18:27

In some ways the behaviour you've described is typical teenager but in your DD's case it sounds particularly intense. Can you remember if there's an age when it suddenly got worse? Could she be having issues that she manages to control at school, then you're on the receiving end at the end of day when she gets home? My DD started suffering with anxiety around age 13, triggered by a house break-in at night. She can get really snappy and intolerant when her stress levels rise and I try to focus my comments on her behaviour - what's unacceptable and hurtful - rather than making it personal. So I'd say something like 'I'm here for you if you want to talk when you calm down but I'm not prepared to listen when you talk to me like that.'
Staying calm is hard, I've learnt to walk away when she is rude and won't listen to reason. I do something mindless like the ironing until I calm down. Usually she comes to find me and apologises. And if she doesn't like what's on the family menu, I tell her to make herself something else but the rest of us sit down and eat. These occasions are now few and far between.
Often teenagers decide to open up at inconvenient times like late evening. Do you get much one-to-one time with her? I can understand why you may want to avoid this at the moment but maybe it would be an opportunity for her to open up if something's going on. Often a good time to talk is when you're in the car as you're not face-to-face and it's easier somehow. The US trip is a tough one as it's already cost you so much. Personally I wouldn't cancel but I would sit down with DD and explain why the thought has crossed your mind and what you expect from her behaviour when she gets back. And I wouldn't be shelling out for any more treats until you see consistently better behaviour.

Beckknowsbest · 02/01/2023 18:28

Talk to the organiser of the trip and cancel the USA trip immediately. Her tantrums and physical actions are unreal. She eats the food you make or nothin at all (unless she can get it herself)

Does she work? Do you give her an allowance? I would not be giving in to her whether she believes you love her sister more or not. Her sister is not the one acting like a tool.

Juststopamoment · 02/01/2023 18:29

I really think you should cancel her US trip.

Happinessislife · 02/01/2023 18:29

The fact that your DD is different with friends suggests that she is accommodating their needs, yet reacting to yours. It's lovely that you're so supportive of her, so considerate, but since it does not mirror real life she may struggle when she leaves home and faces the challenges that we all must face in order to fully participate independently. In short, she seems to need some tough love. My advice, remove the focus on her behaviours. Let her rant but live your lives without much her influence. Obviously listen to her, show affection and consideration but for anything that is outrageous or irrelevant just rise above it and let it be. It may pass. There's a story of the bad wolf and the good wolf, the one that grows strong is the one we feed. So it is with behaviours. Its not easy though.

Bleachmycloths · 02/01/2023 18:29

I am genuinely surprised that she agrees to join you on outings like the Boxing Day trip.I would have expected her to stay at home and do her own thing, have the house to herself etc. but she chooses to accompany you and complain.
has she had counselling?

rachellovesdouglas · 02/01/2023 18:30

having had 3 girls go through teenage years i can honestly say that teenage girls are on the whole vile. My youngest DD being the worst, it seemed like each one tried to be worse than the one before. They are all in their 20’s now and a delight to be around. In fact they enjoy hanging out with DH and myself and that in itself is irritating at times as we feel that now is our time. We want to go out with our friends and not take them, but our friends love them all as well ! Guess it took awhile to realise we are fun. Ignore her and pick your battles wisely.

EarthlyNightshade · 02/01/2023 18:32

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Don't do this, OP, it's all kinds of messed up.

Trishthedish · 02/01/2023 18:33

But she has raised her.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 02/01/2023 18:34

I tell her what I’m cooking and she screams she won’t eat that. I suggest an alternative. She screams no. I then ask her what will she eat.

Tell her to cook her own stuff from now on. Sounds like my niece, to be honest.

ConferencePear · 02/01/2023 18:35

As someone who has organised a number of overseas educational visits ………….

I think it wolud be worth getting in touch with whoever is organising the trip - I often had a list of people who were hoping for someone to drop out.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 02/01/2023 18:35

She screams no

This is a tantrum of a two-year old. Put her on the naughty step next time.

niugboo · 02/01/2023 18:36

I don’t like that dinner.

ok. You’re 17. Cook your own.

That’s how you deal with it. You’re pandering. Taking away a switch is ridiculous and will just cause resentment.

Bleachmycloths · 02/01/2023 18:37

NutellaEllaElla · 01/01/2023 18:45

You've paid 60% so don't go believing that you have to pay the other 40%. That's still a lot of money. Sunk cost fallacy.

I am going to Google’ sunk cost fallacy.’ I’ve never heard of it. 😊
but they will get a few days peace when the daughter is in USA. During which time they can perhaps work out some strategies like getting a counsellor, speaking to teachers at her school, arranging for her to stay with a grandparent or aunt for a while if possible?

charlesdontyouevercrave · 02/01/2023 18:38

I was like this as a teenager. I might have even been worse. I also had a younger sister whom my parents seemed to prefer. I agree with posters saying she’s probably dealing with something outside the home and expressing it where she feels safe. Look at her friends: what are they like? How stable are her friendships? Where is her place in the pecking order? Some of the worst bullying can go on within female friendships, rather than coming from outside. Also, does she have a boyfriend? You haven’t mentioned one so I’m guessing not but if she does it’s also something to look at. When I was 15-16 I had an abusive boyfriend and my friends (who were also his friends) were nasty to me. It was incredibly stressful so I acted out at home. At 17, I dumped him and got a new group of friends. My behaviour improved overnight. It really does sound like there is something else going on and for whatever reason she feels like she can’t tell you. Posters telling you to withdraw all privileges and come down hard are addressing the symptoms but not the cause.

Deathraystare · 02/01/2023 18:41

Small crumb of comfort but it might be a time of peace when/if she goes to Uni! Plus she might appreciate you more. Here's hoping!!.......

Thisisnotreallymyname · 02/01/2023 18:41

Why not show her this thread ?

Madamum18 · 02/01/2023 18:42

We’ve just had a blazing row about dinner. I tell her what I’m cooking and she screams she won’t eat that. I suggest an alternative...

So she gets a reaction. I would look at her , say "Oh ok, up to you" plonk the food on the table, all of you eat it, she eats it or she doesnt. She screams and rants you just say Up to you, if you don't want it fine etc etc! Unemotional!

The arguments are created by the way you react. The consequences need to be directly linked to the behaviour (ie this dinner or no dinner) or at the very least be that she doesn't get a reaction

She complains the Hotel is 4* ...you say "Yup its this or nothing" and JUST DON'T ENGAGE. .

I really think this is about getting a reaction (typical rebellious teenager choosing to flex their "independence" ) and you are feeding it rather than starving it!

BTW my son was a total teenage nightmare and an awful lot worse than you describe ...20 years later he is lovely!!

Stressedmum2017 · 02/01/2023 18:45

I wouldn't even bother trying to take her out anywhere any more. Just go out as a 3 and let her do her own thing. I was an absolute cunt at her age to anyone that wasn't either my boyfriend or my best friend. I did grow out of it but it took moving out and being responsible for myself completely to mature and grow a bit of respect back. I have a fantastic relationship with my parents now, we are really close which is unbelievable really to compare to my teen years.

CPez · 02/01/2023 18:46

That"s a stupid and hurtful comment. You're an idiot.

EarthlyNightshade · 02/01/2023 18:47

threatmatrix · 02/01/2023 18:20

She’s not only a teenager but a spoilt brat.

Do you think this is a supportive comment?

Michelle1964 · 02/01/2023 18:49

Your first two words - “she’s spoilt” - who spoilt her, I wonder? Looks like you’ve only yourself to blame.

threatmatrix · 02/01/2023 18:49

EarthlyNightshade · 02/01/2023 18:47

Do you think this is a supportive comment?

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the truth hurts sometimes. Maybe they will realise to withdraw some support to make her realise her attitude stinks.

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