To dislike my teenage daughter

[Iwishitwasdifferent]

Shes spoilt, rude and downright unkind to me. She can ruin any occasion with her behaviour and just doesn’t seem to care about me or the rest of her family.

Me, my DH (her dad) and her youngest sister who is 10 suffer as a result of her behaviour everyday and it’s getting to the point where we are all on countdown as to when she will leave home. She’s 17 so if she goes to university it will be in the next year or so.

I can see how this sounds and if I was reading it I would think what an awful thing for a parent to write. Background is she has always been a much loved child and DH and I have provided a loving secure home. DH and I both worked part time so there would always be a parent at home which meant DD always had friends back, was able to do lots of clubs and has an active social life. We have paid for her to attend clubs at school and this year are paying for her to go on a school trip to USA. We are not rich by any means so have explained to DD this will mean cutting back in other areas.

I don’t expect any praise or credit from DD for being a decent parent but I have told her I don’t expect to be treated like shit, which we all are.

Went to the theatre on Boxing Day and DD spent the whole time moaning about something or other, why had we got this train and not another one, why were our seats so crap, why couldn’t we pay £14 for a small coke for her, then moaning about the restaurant after, the food was crap, the service was crap etc etc My other DD and I needed the loo and she even moaned about that “why did we not have control of our bladder” this was our first trip to the loo in about 5 hours!

She insults my appearance asking why I don’t dye my hair, why I wasn’t wearing makeup, criticising my clothes and calling DH a “short man”. She feels it is ok to say all these hurtful things despite having parents who love her and try to do the best for her.

I just dislike her so much and am so concerned that this is who she is and will never change. Her personality is just awful. Friends tell me it’s because she’s a teenager but does this mean all teenagers are cruel?

I feel your pain. My son who is now 34 had a very good upbringing, like your daughter, but from 18 onwards started treating me (his mum, single parent) like dirt to the point I took us to counselling to try and work out why he was treating me so badly. A total waste of time, since 2020 we have had no contact at his request. I hope your situation doesn’t end like mine but it’s very common for adult children to abandon their parents, it’s even happened to my friend ☹️☹️☹️.

the not buying presents thing or not making a cup of tea etc sound fairly normal
Really? My mother thought that making tea and bringing it on a tray was the sole purpose of teenage daughters. 😂

this is, I agree awful. Yes, she needs consequences. But also maybe some help to get out of a situation while saving face. So, insulting your appearance- not every thought she has in her head has to come out of her mouth. What could she, should she say instead? The word you are looking for is ‘sorry/thank you’ etc. I am going through this with my tweens right now- she does seem a bit old for this, but not hopefully not too late to change. Teach how adults interact.

Or if you say, she does know how to be thoughtful and nice to her friends, then it is frustration with her family personally and it is time she left, there is not much that can be done about that.

I'm sorry OP, this must be so horrible and you are not being unreasonable.

I do have a few suggestions.

The US trip. I wouldn't be letting her go, you're losing more money by spending 100% of the money on it with her being so horrible and undeserving than not letting her go having paid 60%. If that makes sense haha! I'm not sure when the trip is but I'd say if you want to go, you change your attitude and get a job to earn the rest, or offer her chores to earn it.

I'd be taking all of her luxuries away indefinitely and she has to earn them back.

Only cook one meal and if she doesn't want to eat it then she's old enough to cook for herself. Stop offering her alternatives.

Don't invite her to family outings if she's just going to ruin it.

She can say you love her sister more until she's blue in the face but your actions would be entirely justified and she only has her self to blame even if she tries to shift it onto you.

I know you don't think you're pandering to her but I think you are in many aspects. Whatever you're doing isn't enough and you should step it up another level and be consistent with her otherwise she's old enough and intelligent enough to be able to manipulate you and find your weak spots.

She will, hopefully, grow out of it and until then the best thing you can do for her is to be firm!

You are not on your own with this.
My own DD(15) is horrendous. I love her dearly, and deeply, but she is an absolute f*cking nightmare!
She lives with her father now, which I realise isn't an option for you, but it means we are slowly rebuilding.
I got physically and verbally abused, and called the worst names

At 17 I moved out of home to work in a residential home for children. We all behaved like responsible adults. Not one girl who worked there behaved like your daughter does. If any of us had tried it, the others would not have put up with it and she'd have been told in no uncertain manner! I agree with the poster who said she needs consequences for her behaviour. She sounds very unpleasant.

I hear you!!

Our DD is now 24. We had issues from the age of 15-16. Everything you said to her she just said “I don’t care”.

At 18 we could no longer cope and told her to leave as it was so awful. Like you we tried all sorts but nothing worked. She is from a stable, loving family. She accused us of abuse and all sorts. She got into drugs, you name it I think she did it. She lived quite a hard life between 18-23 years. Always had a job and sponging boyfriend.

6 months ago she asked to come home. She was told the rules if she wanted to come home and she has stuck to them although like you we didnt get a Christmas gift either although she did buy them for others. She has had an ADHD diagnosis recently. ADHD in girls does present itself differently to boys.

Finally a voice of reason among the asshole responses!

I have a teenager who behaves in a similar way. He’s a bit younger though but rude and lazy more times than not. Maybe go out as a family soon without her as a consequence of her awful behaviour at the theatre. She may need to miss out of something to realise you are taking action. Threaten to cancel the America trip if she doesn’t buck her ideas up and try writing a ‘contract’ with her. What you do ( feed, cloth, pay for things etc, and what you expect her to do. Make the targets simple and measurable. Eg clear up after dinner without any complaints. At meals I make it plain there is only one option although I try to make each child’s favourite meal once a week. Hope that helps. It’s tough though

As much as it would probably cause me physical pain to pay for 60% of a trip and then not send my child on it, NOT paying for the last 40% will be the best money you didn't spend

Totally agree with this….It will send the biggest message to her that you won’t be treated like this.

I don't mean this to sound rude, but she sounds like an intentional I'm sure, spoilt brat!!!!

Teens are tricky. I have a 17 year old son who is less than a delight to be around sometimes. However, being a teenager does not give her a free pass to be absolutely VILE to you all.

I'm afraid you could do with teaching her some harsh, but very necessary lessons. Before aspects stick to her personality and this will be the person you will all be stuck with.

Stay strong and stick to your guns xx

All teenagers can push boundaries but she’s being particularly full on . Remember her sister is taking all this in . It’s hard work but be consistent with how you treat them. If she doesn’t like it tough. They do usually pop out ok when they are older and feel awkward about past behaviour. I would sit down with her and ask her what’s going on . If sh s says everything is ok explain how her behaviour is negatively impacting all the other family members. I hope it’s soon resolved as dominant teens are draining

I had angst from my daughter, but always trusted her and brought her up streetwise. I let her go with friends to gigs, London on her own with friends. She got into strive once and we had to involve the police, but she did the sensible thing. She was left by her so called friends in the middle of a city she didn’t know, all because my dd didn’t do drugs or raves. She rang me at work about 2am, got the police involved to be with her until a train came.

with your daughter, 17 is a tricky age, I remember it well, but my parents were smothering me, or so I thought then.

Don’t take crap from her, if she kicks off, say what my parents said to me. “ if you think the grass is greener, you go”…. I never did, but did leave after I saved up a deposit.

This is your home, she is old enough to leave home, and classed as an adult, so maybe it’s time?

I always thought growing up that everything is unfair and whilst I was a teenager I rebelled against my parents due to their controlling behaviour in the past and not letting me go anywhere out with friends, including class trips in the same city which didn’t require any money. I was held back and on a short leash although I was a well behaved girl my parents justified this with “we are trying to keep you safe”. When I was 15 I started dating guys and from there on it was a rollercoaster and continuous rebellion against my parents and to this day I don’t like my own parents due to physical and mental abuse, profound neglect of my emotional and mental well being. They have provided financially for my nursing degree which I now use but can’t help feeling disconnected from them because they have never tried to understand me and the lack of words and actions of love from their side it indeed felt like I was alone in a big world and that angered me at that time and made me rebel even more. I hated them for them not showing love to me physically and emotionally hugs and kisses and telling me constantly that they love me rather than providing money and “safety”. I don’t know your teenage girl but I can almost say that she has gone through something traumatic that has shook her to the core and now she doesn’t know how to healthily express that anger and fear. Teenage years are always hard and difficult as the realisation kicks in that we are grown now and have to provide for ourselves when we are still not ready for it. By you saying that you can’t wait for her to leave you are reinforcing the idea that she is not good enough and that she can only count on herself and you will lose your little girl that way. Ask her to sit down with you and talk to you or to a therapist and reassure her that you really do want to know what’s going on with her and that you are not trying to fix her but want to understand what’s on her mind and her fears. And the bullying behaviour and that never is good enough it stems from inside of her that she is not good enough, her self esteem must be very low. Hope this helps. 🙂

What a hurtful and unhelpful comment

I have a rude teenage DD and experienced similar. Won't eat what I make often. Vegan but doesn't eat several types of veg🙄My DH is mild mannered and mostly says yes to everything. I have had to always be the one that argues with her. Matching rudeness with rudeness was not working and our relationship was deteriorating. I read a few books by Dr Shefali Tsabary Conscious Parenting and Awaked Family and it helped. Emotional maturity is key, saying or thinking you hate your daughter ( which I suspect is not how you really feel) will make her feel rejected. They can be awful but teenagers are also ultra sensitive. Say in a calm firm emotionless manner it is NOT OK to speak to anyone in that manner (It sometimes works) Reduce enforced family outings. Reduce material gifts and more quality time. I am sure she can sometimes be lovely.

She’s old enough to cook her own food if what’s on offer isn’t ‘good enough’ - let her know she’ll also need a job to pay for it too… as a mother of an entitled teenager with rudeness issues, I would tell her to fend for herself until she learns some manners and respect. I stopped doing things for my son until he learnt to speak to me better… I think they forget that we are people with our own feelings not just there for them to abuse…Do not reward her bad behaviour, it’s so hard especially when you’ve always given her the world but you have to for your own sake…. Stick it out and stand your ground - It does get better!!!

My younger brother was nowhere near this bad at 17 but was forever coming home plastered & doing as little as possible to act respectfully at all to my parents or their home. They gave him ultimatum after ultimatum & told him if he didn’t stop treating home like a doss house he’d be out. Of course he didn’t believe them but they did it. He ended up sofa surfing with mates then got a job & came to live with me for a few weeks but did end up moving back when he’d grown up.
I know it’s a drastic measure but she’s ruining your lives & is old enough to know better. Make her face some consequences, at the moment she knows she’ll get away with anything. You need to sit her down, tell her exactly what she’s doing to the family & if she doesn’t like it, she knows what to do.
Good luck with it all, you must be at your wit’s end.
Oh, and by the way, the US trip would be cancelled, you’re rewarding her crap behaviour right now with a massive treat.

I swear that on the eve of her 17th birthday someone stole my DD and replaced her with a monster. We had the development of what I call 'the face', she could be happy and pleasant but in an instant 'the face' would appear and we knew we were in for a blow out, instant sullen face, whch meant if we were on an outing it was game over and we might as well go home, the difference is she had previously been kind and caring, and we just held our breath and hope she would grow out of it, she did and is now settled and happy at uni, but that year was pure hell because we never knew which personality was coming down the stairs each morning
What I found useful was to let the blow up settle, often she would storm to her room,and then I would text her and have a discussion about her behaviour rather than a standing argument. This was actually very effective for us, and would avoid the shouting your younger daughter is distressed by. I put it down to hormones and exam stress, and 🤞🤞 it will pass for you and your DD too

This is not typical. I have a very close relationship with my 18 year old daughter. Why did you not stamp out this behaviour when it first started? Have you ever challenged or punished her? Is she unpleasant to grandparents too?
She needs a big reality check. Does she deserve the USA trip? Remember- your 10 year old is taking this all in. I wish you luck.

She’s not only a teenager but a spoilt brat.

We went through this with my son, to the point of us not wanting him to live at home anymore. He was spoilt, ungrateful and selfish. He continuously caused arguments with his arrogant behaviour.

Thankfully after a few years at uni and having to work to cover his outgoings as his student loan wasn’t enough, he seems to of grasped the cost of living and how easy he had it at home. He came back a different person and spending time with him is now enjoyable.

In a strange way this shows you have been a good parent. In my experience teenagers reach about 17 and feel confident (bordering on arrogance) as they are ready to fly the nest (they are not really). She feels confident because you have prepared her for adulthood.
Just keep to your standards and you know it will blow over… One day you and her will be close again.

How upsetting for you as her parents. Poor you! I do think teenage daughters (and often sons too) behind closed doors can be incredibly hard on their parents and siblings. This behaviour sounds particularly tough though and seems as though it’s coming from a very troubled girl who really doesn’t like herself and is perhaps projecting her self-dislike and poor confidence onto you. The more cruelly she does it, the more she diminishes her own self respect and then takes it out even more on you all. Have you considered family counselling? It might not be the silver bullet, but could offer tools for all to work towards a more tolerable relationship via a neutral interlocutor. At the very least, it would give you and her father some support. Sounds like you really need it. Good luck - you sound great parents who are doing their best!

Yes - but you’ll save 40% plus spending money. Think about how you want her to interact with you and the rest of the family unit and tell her that she needs to behave in that way. Be very clear. You can use the trip as a carrot if you want but you need to be prepared to walk away from the money. Consider it an investment to improving family dynamics. And certainly do not entertain funding her university. There are loans she can take out to pay for all of it and the repayment is very small once they start earning. She values nothing cos she’s had everything provided by yours and your DH efforts.