To dislike my teenage daughter

[Iwishitwasdifferent]

Shes spoilt, rude and downright unkind to me. She can ruin any occasion with her behaviour and just doesn’t seem to care about me or the rest of her family.

Me, my DH (her dad) and her youngest sister who is 10 suffer as a result of her behaviour everyday and it’s getting to the point where we are all on countdown as to when she will leave home. She’s 17 so if she goes to university it will be in the next year or so.

I can see how this sounds and if I was reading it I would think what an awful thing for a parent to write. Background is she has always been a much loved child and DH and I have provided a loving secure home. DH and I both worked part time so there would always be a parent at home which meant DD always had friends back, was able to do lots of clubs and has an active social life. We have paid for her to attend clubs at school and this year are paying for her to go on a school trip to USA. We are not rich by any means so have explained to DD this will mean cutting back in other areas.

I don’t expect any praise or credit from DD for being a decent parent but I have told her I don’t expect to be treated like shit, which we all are.

Went to the theatre on Boxing Day and DD spent the whole time moaning about something or other, why had we got this train and not another one, why were our seats so crap, why couldn’t we pay £14 for a small coke for her, then moaning about the restaurant after, the food was crap, the service was crap etc etc My other DD and I needed the loo and she even moaned about that “why did we not have control of our bladder” this was our first trip to the loo in about 5 hours!

She insults my appearance asking why I don’t dye my hair, why I wasn’t wearing makeup, criticising my clothes and calling DH a “short man”. She feels it is ok to say all these hurtful things despite having parents who love her and try to do the best for her.

I just dislike her so much and am so concerned that this is who she is and will never change. Her personality is just awful. Friends tell me it’s because she’s a teenager but does this mean all teenagers are cruel?

I just wanted to add maybe a slightly different perspective.

When I was a teenager I could be quite rude to my parents, and mean too. I was really snappy and as a child was quite bratty. I am 28 now and feel horrible and soo guilty about my behaviour growing up. I don't know why I was like that. There is no excuse especially if you've been raised in a loving home.

If there's nothing going on behind the scenes, I expect that she will grow out of it and by the time she's 25 she will be a whole different person.

Throw her out now, write a letter kicking her out and drop her on the doorstep of your local council and stand firm when the council calls you asking to have her home say no they have to house her.

Sorry you’ve got this situation. It’s hard to know what to do as you’re clearly loving parents. It’s easy to judge from the outside but I can guess that you must feel so sad and tired with your daughter’s attitude. Hopefully, this won’t be her personality forever but it is her now. Would some counselling for her help? Perhaps you could explain to her that without working through these behaviours that she is displaying towards you as parents, there will be no trips or privileges. Lack of respect is painful to take from your children. I know how it feels as I’ve had some significant issues with my 12 year old daughter. A harder ‘tough love’ line may work, although that might feel unnatural to you as a parent. I hope you find a way forward and your daughter’s attitude towards her whole family improves. x

It doesn’t matter if you have paid 100% of the trip. The point is she 100% should not be going . I would even turn round at the airport and not let her check in if she was like this . Totally entitled and her behaviour has become a habit that you need to break.
she should come down to dinner and within reason eat what you have cooked when you have cooked it, her phone would be gone and so would all the privileges - she is taking you guys for a ride and treating you like fools.
She is emotionally controlling you and you seem to be letting guilt allow this to continue.
Stroppy behaviour is normal but this is wild and out of control.

I’m afraid it sounds pretty normal, shit, but par for the course!

There is a particular time when when even the sweetest kids turn into monsters. It is a phase, you will all get through to the other side.

See it as a way to prepare you for them flying the nest!

It certainly doesn’t mean the rest of the family are a push over though, just pick your battles. When she has calmed down and you are making future family plans I’d mentioned it didn’t seem to be her thing last time… give her the choice. “These treats are costly so don’t feel you have to come if you don’t want to? “
I she says she does want to come you’ve “got her!”

Good luck

I remember being at a foster parent assessment meeting saying how I always loved my children but sometimes they are just not very likeable - gasps of horror from those with no children!

Your daughter’s behaviour is only adversely affecting you. Remember that, it isn’t hurting her, she is behaving dreadfully and so far it’s resulted in absolutely ZERO sanctions, and in real world she will face sanctions, after all she’s the young person who is pleasant outside of home. So she has the ability to be well mannered and co-operative elsewhere. The first thing I would do, is ask to see the Head teacher and explain that you are not sending her on the school jolly to the USA. Ask for their support and do not back down. Then tell her it’s cancelled and that you were making a real sacrifice to pay for this trip, but actions have consequences and the school understand the position. Inform her that mealtimes are mealtimes, you are not running a restaurant. There are rules which she needs to learn and respect. You are not staff, this isn’t Downtown Abbey…and make sure that you mean what you say. Buckle up, it’ll be a bumpy ride for a bit, but worth it because what’s the alternative?

As much as it would probably cause me physical pain to pay for 60% of a trip and then not send my child on it, NOT paying for the last 40% will be the best money you didn't spend. I still cringe at the memory of telling my mum to fuck off at about that age, but that was an isolated incident, and not my general behaviour. I imagine it has been tough reading these posts, but hopefully you are able to follow through on the advice given and things improve.

The best advice I ever heard about dealing with adolescents is that as the whole of their world seems to turn upside down with their bodies changing, their mental transition from childhood to adulthood, and learning how to navigate relationships.... they push the hardest against the people they love and trust the most (you) to test how unchanging they are. And your role is to be as rock solid as a tree when they push you. You need to try to not overreact and just give her lots of hugs and reassurance. The last thing she needs to hear is that you want her out. Difficult as that might be sometimes. Things will get better.

Are there consequences for her behaviour? I have always made my DCs pay the price for any rude or disrespectful behaviour and restrictions on their mobile phone was the most successful. Look at an app called OurPact...every time she is rude, spoilt or disrespectful show you mean business by restricting her phone for 24 hrs. as she improves you can reduce the time restraints, when the app is installed on your phone and hers there is nothing she can do to stop it, except have quiet time to reflect on her behaviour and the outcome! You are her mother not her friend, she needs to learn some respect or how will she ever cope at uni or in the workplace?

I think you could step back a bit further. When my 17 year old has mates over they cook their own pizzas, she applied for her own jobs (but does rely on me for lifts).
There are so many ways to develop her independence but as the close friend of someone who babies their child that's now struggling as a young adult it's important to step back wherever you can

I don’t mean for this to upset you but have you considered having her screened by a GP and then mental health specialist?
I hate labels but getting a diagnosis means getting treatment. You say she has been like this a long time. Please look up Oppositional Defiant Disorder - she is showing many symptoms and could be an explanation?
I wish you well but also I wish your daughter well. It sounds mental health related to me. Sometimes kids just grow up to be unkind and do bad things but in this case, if you haven’t already, a trip to your GP may be in order? Xx

Here is one example of your pandering to her. There should be no alternative offers. I think you are too prepared to bend to what she wants.

Sounds EXACTLY like my daughter!!!😵‍💫

YANBU OP. Parenting teenagers is always challenging but I'm afraid your daughter needs pulling up. Speaking as someone who has raised two daughters to adulthood I'm afraid her trip to the USA - and any other treats - would be dependent on her behaviour. Let her try treating anyone else like this and they'd soon give her the cold shoulder.

Is she hoping to go to Uni in a different town/city from where you live - with you and her dad financially supporting her to some extent? That too is a privilege and not one she'd be getting from me unless she sorted her attitude out.

This!! DD was so rude to us on new years day. She didn't get to go to a sleepover because of it. A trip to the USA is my child was treating me like that!...not a chance.

My youngest was atrocious as a teenager. She was a downright aggressive bully.She would blow up over the most minor disagreement.
We spelt it out to her that everytime she lost her temper that she would consistently get a reaction (punishment)off us. It takes time but you have to be strong with her to make hr think is it worth it.

Im a bit baffled. She’s almost an adult. I’d be telling her that she either needs to change her ways or find somewhere else to live the minute she turns 18.

I do think a lot of teenagers are selfish and the not buying presents thing or not making a cup of tea etc sound fairly normal, but the aggressive behaviour, no, and certainly not at 17. I would expect that from a really hormonal 13 year old, but not a neatly adult.

She sounds very spoilt and resentful of her younger sister. OK thanks the trip to the US is paid for, enjoy the time she's away. But TBH I'd cut the lot from her until she learns to behave. She's making all your lives a misery and she knows she can get away with it. Have you thought about taking her to a psychiatrist? I'm not being mean but she might just be a nasty cow. If she was 18. I'd kick her out TBH.

*nearly

My eldest was like this , possibly not as bad. She did improve at around 17, so maybe yours will turn a corner soon.
I would try to get her cooking her own food , at least some of the time, she will have to once she leaves home anyway.

The 'this isn't 5 star' does make her sound truly obnoxious. As pp have said, you need to go without her on trips. My dd had certain ideas as a mid teen that turned not to be the case. She was convinced, for example, that everyone would have their own car, from 17yo. Not at all the case.
She got a summer job at 18 and that did help her realise that there are other teens out there working all hours (2 jobs) to be able to afford what they want.

Not half as fucking annoying as you with your shitty ‘advice’! Crawl back under your rock 🤐

Sorry but stop oussy footing around her and bowing to her, here's yer supper eat it or go hungr, she ain't a child anymore and this pandering to her is nit doing you any favours. The next time she speaks out of tuen tell her she ain't going to the US and mean it, if she acts up remove her phone, then any other electrics, remove her designer clothes, her music whatever it takes to make her realise her behaviour socks, yer biggest problem is you have let this go on way too long and it's gonna be tough sorting it but it can be sorted if yer willing to put in the work

'Already in your example you noted several times she was disrespectful and rude and yet the day carried on. So she has learnt that she can say what she wants and moan as much as she likes and all that happens is she gets attention. If mine had been rude on the train, they wouldn’t be going to the theatre, if they were rude at the theatre they wouldn’t be going out for a meal, and if they were rude at the meal they would be leaving.'

This. You need zero tolerance, as soon as she kicks off stop what you're doing
and go home. If she shouts at you grab her phone send her to her room, hide house keys etc so she can't leave and repeat ad nauseam until the penny drops you are in charge. Don't argue don't get into screaming matches just remove pocket money and phone, trips etc until she starts showing some respect.

Sounds harsh but needs must. Take control.