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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To dislike my teenage daughter

808 replies

Iwishitwasdifferent · 01/01/2023 18:23

Shes spoilt, rude and downright unkind to me. She can ruin any occasion with her behaviour and just doesn’t seem to care about me or the rest of her family.

Me, my DH (her dad) and her youngest sister who is 10 suffer as a result of her behaviour everyday and it’s getting to the point where we are all on countdown as to when she will leave home. She’s 17 so if she goes to university it will be in the next year or so.

I can see how this sounds and if I was reading it I would think what an awful thing for a parent to write. Background is she has always been a much loved child and DH and I have provided a loving secure home. DH and I both worked part time so there would always be a parent at home which meant DD always had friends back, was able to do lots of clubs and has an active social life. We have paid for her to attend clubs at school and this year are paying for her to go on a school trip to USA. We are not rich by any means so have explained to DD this will mean cutting back in other areas.

I don’t expect any praise or credit from DD for being a decent parent but I have told her I don’t expect to be treated like shit, which we all are.

Went to the theatre on Boxing Day and DD spent the whole time moaning about something or other, why had we got this train and not another one, why were our seats so crap, why couldn’t we pay £14 for a small coke for her, then moaning about the restaurant after, the food was crap, the service was crap etc etc My other DD and I needed the loo and she even moaned about that “why did we not have control of our bladder” this was our first trip to the loo in about 5 hours!

She insults my appearance asking why I don’t dye my hair, why I wasn’t wearing makeup, criticising my clothes and calling DH a “short man”. She feels it is ok to say all these hurtful things despite having parents who love her and try to do the best for her.

I just dislike her so much and am so concerned that this is who she is and will never change. Her personality is just awful. Friends tell me it’s because she’s a teenager but does this mean all teenagers are cruel?

OP posts:
Thinking2022 · 02/01/2023 17:20

also think this will help

33JM · 02/01/2023 17:22

So sorry to hear that and I do really feel for you. I have one of those. Feels like he ruins everything - he is like a dark cloud in our family. He has been diagnosed with autism with pda traits (pathological demand avoidance). Most of his day to day behaviour is oppositional and hard to live with. Happy to chat if you would like any support? X

Jackster11 · 02/01/2023 17:23

Hormones- get her some help

MustWeDoThis · 02/01/2023 17:26

Iwishitwasdifferent · 01/01/2023 18:23

Shes spoilt, rude and downright unkind to me. She can ruin any occasion with her behaviour and just doesn’t seem to care about me or the rest of her family.

Me, my DH (her dad) and her youngest sister who is 10 suffer as a result of her behaviour everyday and it’s getting to the point where we are all on countdown as to when she will leave home. She’s 17 so if she goes to university it will be in the next year or so.

I can see how this sounds and if I was reading it I would think what an awful thing for a parent to write. Background is she has always been a much loved child and DH and I have provided a loving secure home. DH and I both worked part time so there would always be a parent at home which meant DD always had friends back, was able to do lots of clubs and has an active social life. We have paid for her to attend clubs at school and this year are paying for her to go on a school trip to USA. We are not rich by any means so have explained to DD this will mean cutting back in other areas.

I don’t expect any praise or credit from DD for being a decent parent but I have told her I don’t expect to be treated like shit, which we all are.

Went to the theatre on Boxing Day and DD spent the whole time moaning about something or other, why had we got this train and not another one, why were our seats so crap, why couldn’t we pay £14 for a small coke for her, then moaning about the restaurant after, the food was crap, the service was crap etc etc My other DD and I needed the loo and she even moaned about that “why did we not have control of our bladder” this was our first trip to the loo in about 5 hours!

She insults my appearance asking why I don’t dye my hair, why I wasn’t wearing makeup, criticising my clothes and calling DH a “short man”. She feels it is ok to say all these hurtful things despite having parents who love her and try to do the best for her.

I just dislike her so much and am so concerned that this is who she is and will never change. Her personality is just awful. Friends tell me it’s because she’s a teenager but does this mean all teenagers are cruel?

Why are you still paying for her trip to the USA? I wouldn't let her go. Even if it is a once in a life time opportunity. Something drastic is needed to wake her up. Stop paying for things, stop taking her anywhere, cut off her privileges in the house such as Internet, mobile phone, TV etc. Tell her respect and privilege is earned.

MrsPetty · 02/01/2023 17:27

I have a teen DD and a tween DD and I totally feel your pain! I’ve found the easiest way to address the teens shit behaviour is simply to agree with her. ‘Yes you’re 💯 right, we should have gone to the other restaurant, this one is rubbish’ etc. It annoys the life out of her … Honestly she’s found buttons to push that I didn’t even know that I had. But I do know that’s what she’s doing - testing boundaries, spoiling for an argument and I simply choose not to engage with it. I think it is a phase. Like teething, potty training, terrible twos etc - they were shit too but she grew out of them…I attended two parenting courses - they’ve been really helpful with things like stay calm plans, individual safe spaces etc. Like you OP I’ve raised my DDs in a respectful, loving home and I’m determined that all my work building a strong foundation and attempting to be a positive role model won’t have been a waste of time.

Cranberrysauce3 · 02/01/2023 17:28

I do think she will change with age to be honest. Some teenagers are worse than others. It sounds difficult to live with, I empathise with you, however sometimes life experience and learning/different experiences will help change attitudes and views.
I do think she will be different in her early 20s after working/studying/losing friends or gaining new friends/health issues.

Try and have an adult chat with her, let her know you're feelings. It will resonate at some point. Or, yes cut down on her expenditure so she understands there are consequences.

Mumof32017 · 02/01/2023 17:29

I can completely see where you’re coming from. I’m already feeling like this with my just turned 5 year old son. He’s hit teenage attitude soooo early. He’s rude, ungrateful and very selfish. Like you, we work to be around for them. He has things like swimming lessons, football and martial arts, has nice clothes, goes on days trips and holidays. Nothing ever matters tho, if he doesn’t get his way he tantrums and screams I hate you 😞

Mollymoostoo · 02/01/2023 17:31

From a mum of three, I really feel your struggle. My middle child is like this, he feels the world owes him and is so nasty sometimes. He has MH issues and we have had to set boundaries and just let him rage like a baby. Otherwise we are enabling him.
I know you feel like you qre showing love, but you need to stop giving options and trying to placate her. If you don't, this will not change or could get worse. You and DH need to decide what things are unacceptable and what is annoying but you can let go of. If you are criticising everything she says or does, she is going to react in kind. Sadly going to uni doesn't help because the chaos comes back in the holidays.

Cazzie1206 · 02/01/2023 17:32

Hang tight, set your boundaries, don’t take it to heart. It will get better ❤️‍🩹

My daughter was a nightmare between the ages of 14-19. I was in despair with her behaviour, she was expelled from 2 schools, was deemed unteachable, took drugs and was appallingly behaved at home - destroying things (mainly mine) she was aggressive and abusive. She used to run away and the police regularly brought her home. She had zero regard for authority or consequences.

She’s 24 now, has a job, owns her own home, runs a car and goes to university. She works as a volunteer supporting young people struggling with life. She is a wonderful, kind young woman. She still doesn’t know why she behaved as she did and is apologetic and appalled by her behaviour.

takethattastic · 02/01/2023 17:32

This sounds very tough for you all. My advice would be to take a step back. I thibk she is looking for an argument for whatever reason despite the fact that you clearly have given her a great life. Hard to do it however no reaction might throw ger off

Ellflet · 02/01/2023 17:32

I have to say I feel sorry for the OP, but ut does look like it's as a result of their own pandering and leniency. I only have one child and she was a breeze as a toddler all the way through to now at 24. She was no hassle as a teenager, although I did see other people's children acting up and counted myself very fortunate. I tell her any time the topic comes up that she was amazingly easy, but we have always had a close relationship.

Jasmine59 · 02/01/2023 17:33

Could be undiagnosed ADHD which can include oppositional behaviour. Worth checking it out

Tahlbias · 02/01/2023 17:34

Sounds like there is something else going on mentally. Like, with your appearance, she commented on it. Maybe, she doesn't like her appearance? Do you think, because there is so much friction, that you respond to her negatively and she reacts? I don't mean that in a bad way, it's easy to get pulled into the negative. With dinner, could you ask her to help you choose? Include her in decision making? I work with children, and I think it might be worth sitting down with your daughter and asking her, 'what you have done wrong? What could you do to make things better for her? See what she says!

stevec711 · 02/01/2023 17:34

For Pete's sake, what have you done to discipline her? At this point, I would look at your parenting.

Whatsr · 02/01/2023 17:34

Have you thought she may be Autistic?

Has she ever been tested?

There are about 100,000 children in the UK who are on the autistic spectrum. Each child is different. But in general terms your child might have problems relating to other people or find it tricky to feel part of everyday life. The range of abilities, skills, brilliance and need is so different for every child on the spectrum.

Yeh, at this age it might be difficult especially given the current breakdown in discussion to get her some help or assessment.

But worth considering.

There are online tests too.

joewe41 · 02/01/2023 17:35

I know the others have already said, but the trip to USA should be cancelled. It's rewarding her behaviour and it sounds like the rest of you could do more with a treat. Why should the rest of you suffer to enable her.

Sisterwinter1969 · 02/01/2023 17:37

Unfortunately, despite a great upbringing, some people are just not very pleasant. She may well change, but she may also be like that for the rest of her life.

ShimmeringShirts · 02/01/2023 17:37

I’d cancel the school trip, wasted money and all. If she kicks off about it tell her she can pay herself, you’re not funding a holiday for someone that’s as awful as her.

dylansss · 02/01/2023 17:37

The first thing I would do is stop arguing with her. An argument is a debate and implies she has options. She doesn't, not when she's acting up and being unreasonable.

She makes a fuss about dinner. Don't argue, just tell her its in the oven if she wants it or she can starve.

She is rude and mean. Don't argue just cancel something she likes

She won;t always be this way. She will grow up and I'm sure she will be a fine young woman who will look back and be deeply ashamed of her present behaviour. Until that time however, you don't get to be treated badly and she has to understand that if she does, then there are consequences

and you can start by cancelling that US trip right now. You are a mug if you allow that to continue until there is a change in behaviour.

angstridden2 · 02/01/2023 17:38

Efflet....
well done you. This is exactly the post OP needs to help her with what sounds like a really stroppy teenager. My own children were never rude, but were moody and at times very disengaged from family life. They grew into very nice young people. I really can’t claim any particular merit for this, I was lucky perhaps. There but for the grace of god etc.

H007 · 02/01/2023 17:39

I am sorry to be brutal but you have created this. Already in your example you noted several times she was disrespectful and rude and yet the day carried on. So she has learnt that she can say what she wants and moan as much as she likes and all that happens is she gets attention. If mine had been rude on the train, they wouldn’t be going to the theatre, if they were rude at the theatre they wouldn’t be going out for a meal, and if they were rude at the meal they would be leaving.

If this behaviour was ongoing they most definitely wouldn’t not be going on any school trip anywhere. Every thing would be stripped back and it would be fully explained why and could be earnt back. She is pushing her boundaries and you are letting her. Time to get tough OP.

pomers · 02/01/2023 17:39

Iwishitwasdifferent · 01/01/2023 18:56

Shes doing geography A Level hence the school trip. Not compulsory but the school said majority of class going and will help with coursework etc

As you say, not compulsory, so cancel the USA trip, but I am willing to bet you will find any excuse not to. This smacks of disguised compliance, you say you will toughen up, but when suggestions are made you find excuses to continue with your pandering, enabling behaviour. You give in because you don’t want to take her on. It’s hard work, but if you don’t set boundaries and stick to them nothing will change

pinkpantherpink · 02/01/2023 17:39

Iwishitwasdifferent · 01/01/2023 18:31

She has always been the same. At home she is awful but at school and with her friends she’s different. We’ve just had a blazing row about dinner. I tell her what I’m cooking and she screams she won’t eat that. I suggest an alternative. She screams no. I then ask her what will she eat. As always, she is quick to dismiss mine and DH dinner options but never suggests her own.

She used to eat more meals but I can count on one hand now what she considers an “acceptable” dinner. She shoved me out of the way in the kitchen and I have just told her I can’t wait for her to leave. Immature I know but I’ve just had enough of her.

Don't offer her alternatives.Tell her that's what you're cooking. If she d3oesnt want it she can go hungry

You need to retaliate in a thoughtful manner.

Does she earn £ outside the home?

I'd be hard pressed to send her to USA without her making some contributions to the household re chores and cooking meals, etc.

Are there any consequences for her behaviour?

What about your younger daughter? How does she feel?

Re the bladder thing I'd want to tell her to fxck off

Sooziewoozie · 02/01/2023 17:40

YANBU at all. I have had the same issues with my DD her whole life. To the point where recently I have been to see a psycho therapist. My DD is now in her late 20s. She has made things so difficult and consistently throws all my failings back at me. Turns out she is autistic (as am I) but she now uses that as an excuse for incredibly bad behaviour. She doesn’t live here now, hasn’t done since she left for uni but the difficulties don’t seem to diminish in spite of this. It’s got to the point where I have had to distance myself from her a bit as the stress of not knowing how she’ll behave is unbearable! I love her but I’m terrified of her. It’s a no win situation but I think you’ll find there are more parents who feel like you than you think. You’re very brave to admit how you feel as I’m not sure many would. I wish I had a magic answer for you but I think you need to stop giving her things and doing things for her. She is certainly old enough to realise the impact of her behaviour on the rest of her family. Good luck

MaggieMagpie357 · 02/01/2023 17:41

Alfiexx1 · 01/01/2023 18:51

Does anyone like their teenagers?

this is incredibly normal if not annoying to deal with

Yes! Sometimes I don’t like their behaviour, but on the whole they are funny, intelligent, interesting people who are great company.

And I say that as a parent of a child with multiple neurological conditions and mental health issues. We have spent a long time nurturing our relationship because the pre-diagnosis years were bloody awful. She would behave much like the OP’s teen and I could see we wouldn’t have survived the teenage years without intervention.

I’m inclined to think that people who behave like the OPs child have some issues going on that they’re not disclosing, whether it’s bullying, mental health, friendships, sexuality - surely no one chooses to behave like a total arse?