To dislike my teenage daughter

[Iwishitwasdifferent]

Shes spoilt, rude and downright unkind to me. She can ruin any occasion with her behaviour and just doesn’t seem to care about me or the rest of her family.

Me, my DH (her dad) and her youngest sister who is 10 suffer as a result of her behaviour everyday and it’s getting to the point where we are all on countdown as to when she will leave home. She’s 17 so if she goes to university it will be in the next year or so.

I can see how this sounds and if I was reading it I would think what an awful thing for a parent to write. Background is she has always been a much loved child and DH and I have provided a loving secure home. DH and I both worked part time so there would always be a parent at home which meant DD always had friends back, was able to do lots of clubs and has an active social life. We have paid for her to attend clubs at school and this year are paying for her to go on a school trip to USA. We are not rich by any means so have explained to DD this will mean cutting back in other areas.

I don’t expect any praise or credit from DD for being a decent parent but I have told her I don’t expect to be treated like shit, which we all are.

Went to the theatre on Boxing Day and DD spent the whole time moaning about something or other, why had we got this train and not another one, why were our seats so crap, why couldn’t we pay £14 for a small coke for her, then moaning about the restaurant after, the food was crap, the service was crap etc etc My other DD and I needed the loo and she even moaned about that “why did we not have control of our bladder” this was our first trip to the loo in about 5 hours!

She insults my appearance asking why I don’t dye my hair, why I wasn’t wearing makeup, criticising my clothes and calling DH a “short man”. She feels it is ok to say all these hurtful things despite having parents who love her and try to do the best for her.

I just dislike her so much and am so concerned that this is who she is and will never change. Her personality is just awful. Friends tell me it’s because she’s a teenager but does this mean all teenagers are cruel?

@AcerbicColleague the “child” is months away from being an adult. And yet acting as a spoiled 12 year old. At what age does this behaviour become unacceptable? is it ok for a 17 year old to scream and push her mother because she is still a child and,
“communicating through behaviour”
it is not “shite” to ask these questions because people are treating this young woman like a little girl.
Do you really think she can go out into the world and act like this and it be excused as she is only young or still learning how to act in public? No she is going to be absolutely torn to pieces in the workplace or uni.

winningeasy - completely agree
The OP hasn't been back for a while - I guess she's got a lot to read with lots of divergent views so lots to digest. I hope she comes back and I hope she accesses some professional help for her daughter and for herself.

We all want to be the best parent we can be and so I can understand how frustrating and exhausting this is for her. I hope she realises that behaviours - and I know that many won't agree with this but will add behaviours on both sides - seem to have become too entrenched for her and her DH to continue without support.

It's going to be a long haul but escalating punishments which has not worked is an unimaginative and reductive way to move forward with a long term entrenched pattern. If on the off chance this method "works" it will have only bought temporary superficial compliance, and whatever her issues are will get stuffed down into her subconscious where it will come out in her 20s in ways she has no control over - anxiety , depression, OCD etc.

At least her DD feels safe enough with her parents to "act out" - so am optimistic if they get good professional help ( and it shouldn't be plaster type help like cat, it really needs to be an adolescent psychotherapist probably for 1-2 years - there's a great chance that her DD will get the support she needs and the family also , moving to a more happy family dynamic. The 17 year old daughter is just as much a part of this family as the - so far - well behaved 10 year old.

Just cancelling the usa trip, that would just be taking revenge on her for her behaviour so far, a horrible family dynamic.

But, you can tell her that the trip will depend on her respect and consideration towards you from this point forward. Three chances and then she’s lost it, perhaps?

Op I've read a good deal of your comments, but not all and it seems every time you react to her and challenge her.

Have you tried the other way and ignored it. She's rude don't react just ignore? Carry on..oh you don't like dinner that's a Shame can someone pass the water please .

Start talking about how polite she is when you get the chance... it may be too late but I've seen DC get stuck in a rut that's verbally backed up by parents eg child is rude then called rude so they start to act more rude.

I've seen a tactical move to stop calling child rude, ignoring the bad behaviour and then re settings the reaction by gradually trying to improve the self image.
So she over heard you say one day.....DH.... did you hear/see ddd she's so kind/intelligent etc... give her a ladder to climb out of this.

Oh I see the mood of posting has changed away from the stick route ^.

Totally agree that merely beating her with the proverbial stick won't achieve anything expect more misery.

She sounds like a much younger teen to me. I would be questioning mental health issues or neurodiversity if she had been like this for a long time - get help ASAP if you have any suspicions.

The trip to USA I wouldn't pay anymore- she can use the money from the job she needs to get. If she can't get a job she can start doing jobs around your house to earn the money and use that.

I would explain to her you won't be inviting her to the next theatre trip/ outing as she was so ungrateful and you won't be hosting sleepovers. Taking her phone away at 17yo when she is an adult next year? None of this sounds age appropriate. You are treating her like a child and she is responding like one. Start treating her like an adult. Sit her down and talk about how exciting it is to think about uni next year and starting to prepare for it, e.g. learning to cook, do her own laundry so she's ready to go.

Your comment about her saying younger sister is favoured needs addressing. Lay it on the line - you love them both. There is an expectation of being respectful and kind and that includes everyone in your house - adult or child. You will likely have different expectation due to age - that's not favouring.

@Pumperthepumper

you keep talking about “emotional support”

that’s a very vague term…like what do you actually mean by that? What does it look like? So in the instance where OP’s daughter starts screaming at her that she doesn’t want what has been cooked for, how should op respond in a way that would constitute “emotional support”? (In your book)

great post @Walkaround

The emotional support theory wasn’t mine, but to me it would look like finding why she felt that was an appropriate response. Or why she feels behaving like that is her only option. The opposite of grey rock.

Having emotionally unavailable parents is known to cause problems in adulthood.

I think your definition of crisis must be different to mine. Other than sadly losing someone close to them, I'm not sure that the average UK child will go through any crises, so it sounds like you are saying that most UK parents should not support their children emotionally.

If you consider a "crisis" to be things like falling out with long term best friend, body image issues, worries about failing at school, experiencing bullying - things where emotional support from a parent would be helpful, then I agree with you. Though if parents are telling their children these things are crises rather than just difficult periods that are do happen in most people's lives ... then this is possibly part of the issue with teenagers not coping.

Op, you talk about taking away her phone an Nintendo.

In the kindest way she is 17 not 10.

• Stop paying for her phone contract.
• Change the WiFi password
• If she doesn't like what your cooking she doesn't eat or she makes herself a sandwich.
• Insist she get a job to pay the rest of the US trip or she doesn't go.
• No spending money beyond the basics (travel card to get to school)
• Packed lunches for school that she makes herself or she doesn't eat.

Get tough woman

She's a teenager.It's her job. She will have lots of worries

@realmsofglory

yup. Doesn’t mean she can go round pushing and shoving her mother though does it?!

And it’s the mothers job to push back and not to suck up rude behaviour with a beatific smile. If she is going to be vile the additional extra nice stuff stops. She’s obviously slow on the uptake about this life lesson because of the indulgent parenting style here.

I don’t think what you advised is shitty or abusive. I think you talk a lot of sense. I was brought up in 60s/70s and this is how I brought up. By sixteen I was working full time, was financially independent (though living at home, paying ‘keep’) and I would never have dated treated my parents the way this girl is. Parenting is so different nowadays but I’m not convinced it’s nurturing robust, resilient youngsters. 🤷‍♀️

Dated should read dared!

I do wonder if her feeling her younger sister was the ‘favourite’ is at the core of all this? Parents should never make a child feel they are less loved or liked or needing attention than another. That can really scar a person. Maybe this is what you should be addressing OP?

@Pumperthepumper

Well, the thing is though this young person will soon be off to uni wherein she will not be able to access such intensive emotional support (for the smallest of matters) on tap. She will need to be able to regulate herself to some degree. Op is not doing her any favours by not facilitating that now.

But she’s unhappy now. Now is the time to support, not withdraw.

I seriously very much doubt this young lady thinks her appalling behavior is her only option. It is a choice that she is making, as she doesn't pull this crap at school or with her friends.

Do you know what masking is?

@Pumperthepumper

not all behaviour is linked to neurodiversity

I didn’t say it was. She could easily be pretending everything is fine at school and reacting at home.

Yes, I do, and I don't use it as an excuse to be abusive to family.

my guess is that she is trying desperately hard to fit into a group at school in which she does not feel she can be herself. Apparently there is a study on behaviour like this and usually explained by fact the person behaving badly is deeply dissatisfied with themselves. May be worth sending her to see a counsellor