To dislike my teenage daughter

[Iwishitwasdifferent]

Shes spoilt, rude and downright unkind to me. She can ruin any occasion with her behaviour and just doesn’t seem to care about me or the rest of her family.

Me, my DH (her dad) and her youngest sister who is 10 suffer as a result of her behaviour everyday and it’s getting to the point where we are all on countdown as to when she will leave home. She’s 17 so if she goes to university it will be in the next year or so.

I can see how this sounds and if I was reading it I would think what an awful thing for a parent to write. Background is she has always been a much loved child and DH and I have provided a loving secure home. DH and I both worked part time so there would always be a parent at home which meant DD always had friends back, was able to do lots of clubs and has an active social life. We have paid for her to attend clubs at school and this year are paying for her to go on a school trip to USA. We are not rich by any means so have explained to DD this will mean cutting back in other areas.

I don’t expect any praise or credit from DD for being a decent parent but I have told her I don’t expect to be treated like shit, which we all are.

Went to the theatre on Boxing Day and DD spent the whole time moaning about something or other, why had we got this train and not another one, why were our seats so crap, why couldn’t we pay £14 for a small coke for her, then moaning about the restaurant after, the food was crap, the service was crap etc etc My other DD and I needed the loo and she even moaned about that “why did we not have control of our bladder” this was our first trip to the loo in about 5 hours!

She insults my appearance asking why I don’t dye my hair, why I wasn’t wearing makeup, criticising my clothes and calling DH a “short man”. She feels it is ok to say all these hurtful things despite having parents who love her and try to do the best for her.

I just dislike her so much and am so concerned that this is who she is and will never change. Her personality is just awful. Friends tell me it’s because she’s a teenager but does this mean all teenagers are cruel?

This…my son does this too and it’s very very hard. Only to me, he’s generally polite and respectful to others. But I get an almost incessant level of moaning / criticism/ snarking/ verbal abuse about my weight/ clothes/ imperfections.. All the traditional methods of dealing with a child with challenging behaviour with it have failed. He’s Under care of CAMHS who say it’s his anxiety manifesting as controlling and abusive behaviour towards his safe person (me, as he knows I’ll never leave him etc). Not saying it’s the same at all but just sharing in case it helps. sending a hug x

I am absolutely certain you will be able to go back into the thread and quote me where I said “parents shouldn’t emotionally support their children as a control tactic?”

I wait with bated breath for you to quote me saying this. You can use the search button and search my username to make it easier for you to find my posts so you can quote where I said this.

It’s 9.27am in Australia on a public holiday so I really do have all day.

I read it as parents shouldn’t over control / hover / be a snow plough parent so the child doesn’t have space to develop their own coping mechanisms or indeed personality as mummy is always there sorting everything

More miserable? She's hardly a Ray of sunshine as it is, is she? So, to be clear you think she should be able to behave as badly as she likes with no consequences?

Ah, I don’t. You said they shouldn’t provide emotional support daily. Which is, as I said: shit parenting, and control tactics.

Nope, she's not a child, nearly adult.
This young adult clearly never had consequences and so has to learn them at this late stage.

No. I think her parents should find out why she’s so unhappy, without completely controlling and limiting her whole life. Punishing her when she’s already this unhappy won’t work.

I haven’t read the whole thread. No one is rotten to the core. That makes you into the victim.

It. Won’t. Work. She’s not a happy young adult. They need to find out why. She will not learn anything without the root cause being addressed.

We’ve just had a blazing row about dinner. I tell her what I’m cooking and she screams she won’t eat that. I suggest an alternative. She screams no. I then ask her what will she eat.

Why don’t you refuse to engage with this behaviour? She screams? She is out of the room and you will not engage or talk to her about dinner. The end of.
Suggesting an alternative is saying ‘it’s okay to scream at me if you don’t want the dinner’.

If your DH screamed at you because he didn’t like the dinner? I don’t think so. And you wouldn’t suggest an alternative.

It’s not too late to roll back a lot of the extremes of your DDs behaviour. You need to hold a line - a line that says any screaming, any meanness, all engagement stops. You dont’ look at her, you dont’ talk to her. This may well provoke more extreme behaviour from her for a short amount of time ‘extinction behaviour’ they call it in psychology. But it will pass if you are firm.

She moans about a theatre trip? She’s 17. Never take her out with you again, not until she can be nicer. She’s 17 she can find her own amusement. The fact that she did actually go to the theatre shows that she still does want to be with you all, it’s just the line where any other peer or person would say ‘no’ to her has not been drawn in her own family home so she thinks this is normal.

Oh sweetheart. I think you need to step away from this thread as there seem to be underlying issues where someone’s differing parenting style can trigger you so much that you throw around words like abuse, shitty parenting and control tactics with ease.

Are you pumping as your username suggests? I pumped for my first for over 12 months and it is difficult, thankless miserable and makes the world dark during the lonely night hours.

I do remember lashing out at my parents a bit, albeit as a younger teen.. I had incredibly low self esteem, didn’t really know who I was (so at times simply copied the way I’d seen teens behave in TV shows) and it was I think a symptom of poor mental health. So I would suggest seeing if she would consider counselling (obviously it’s not something you can force). But, you’re maybe treating her as a much younger teen and she’s reverting to type. So treat her as the young adult she is - so, does she want to come to the theatre? If not, fine! Don’t buy her a ticket. Does she fancy what you’re having for dinner? No? Then she can make something for herself. Remove some of the battlegrounds. Stop childish punishments (removing consoles etc) but let the natural consequences fall as they may (I certainly wouldn’t give a lift to someone belittling my appearance!)

Here’s your original post, if you’re struggling to remember.

She doesn’t need it and should be managing everyday upsets and situations herself. She may see you as her support human to be drained and disrespected

’Withhold support, because she should already know how to live without it, and it’s a personal slight on you if she doesn’t’.

She will not learn anything without the root cause being addressed.
The root cause of her behaviour is being allowed to have that behaviour.

However once that behaviour calms down, and it really can with firm boundaries from the parents (not punishment, boundaries of what is acceptable). Then the parents and child can get closer, and bond again in a healthy way. It’s not a bad idea to have counselling for her, and for the parents (separately). However the most sad consequence at the moment is that any 18 year old usually still needs their parents, to love and make them feel valued. But that can’t happen if the dynamics and boundaries are so unhealthy as in this situation.

No, it’s isn’t. The behaviour happened as a result of that root cause. No happy, well-adjusted 17 year old behaves like this.

It does sound as though your older dd feels like a misfit in the family and that she could never be the person you want her to be, even if she tried. The behaviour sounds a bit too extreme and deliberately designed to be very personally insulting to just be run of the mill spoilt, selfish brattiness. It comes across as sending you a message she doesn’t feel loved and accepted for who she is, so she’s telling you she doesn’t think much of you, either. Unfortunately, it’s a bit of a vicious cycle, as she pushes you until you snap and tell her what she’s been waiting to hear - that you can’t wait for her to go away and leave you all in peace.

Have you managed to have many conversations where you ask her what she wants from life or how she feels, or is it all focused on achieving good exam results, putting together a good CV and demonstrating the qualities you think are necessary to make her a person you would approve of? Does she feel able to share her feelings with you (other than anger and contempt, obviously, which are probably a mask for other feelings) and to explain why she is feeling those emotions?

Yes. A near-adult child should be managing everyday upsets and situations herself. Intense emotional support should not be provided for these everyday situations. Intense emotional support should be reserved for crises.

I stand by this.

But why on earth have you put this in quotation marks- “Withhold support, because she she should already know how to live without it, and it’s a personal slight on you if she doesn’t.”

Are you suggesting that I said this? Because I didn’t. Are you projecting and saying that’s what you think I think? Because I don’t.

Your posting style is hyperbolic, disingenuous and I think not in good faith.

Yes. A near-adult child should be managing everyday upsets and situations herself. Intense emotional support should not be provided for these everyday situations. Intense emotional support should be reserved for crises.

This 17 year old isn’t though. So to say the parents should withdraw emotional support until she magically learns how to go it alone is abusive. And terrible advice.

Please get the book You Don’t Understand Me by Dr Tara Porter.

My teen acts up when she is stressed. Could it be that? I would shut myself in her room and not leave until we get to the bottom of it. If she won’t listen, trip cancelled. Take pens/paper both you and her write out the issues and go from there. Communication is key. Not easy though is it.

Wow - I feel for you. You have a lot to digest.

you are one person and your DD is one person, and you have to consider your younger child.

your eldest presents like my half sister that age. Her behaviour and her parents’ acceptance of it means that although she’s now 30, her parents have no meaningful relationship with the children from their first marriages.

half sis also made my DF relationship with his only grandchild a dirty secret. I’m pretty much NC now as I can’t be bothered.

he was terrified of her. She showed some violence to him in front of me and my ds. So concerning. She just smirked.

her behaviour meant my father uninvited me from a family reunion as she was threatening to kick off. She was 16 and incensed I’d had a child - aka - our DF had a grandchild so she was no longer the youngest. I blame my father for not handling this well - I have no idea now who my relatives are. I now don’t consider myself part of his family at all. Just some ex daughter from a 20 year marriage 🙄 to be swept under the carpet.

there is talk that she is on the autistic spectrum but hey, it was her parents’ role to investigate this. She can do it herself now - she’s a married woman with a mortgage. She likes being the way she is. She is not suffering.

her parents (in their 80s) continue to be terrified of her and live off the attention she gives them both good and bad.

I wish you luck in getting to the bottom of this. Your DD is so very unhappy. There may be an underlying cause (I hope she can open up to you) or she may well continue this in adulthood if she thinks her behaviour is correct and everyone else is beneath her.

Please quote where I said parents should withdraw all emotional support.

I said background love should always be provided, emotional support should be provided for crises, but kids should manage every day ups and downs and upsets themselves, without their parents having to provide intense emotional support.

Crisis-If she’s been bullied, assaulted, had a bereavement, mental health crisis, relationship breakdown- intense emotional support.

Upset about hotel room or what’s been served for dinner- no emotional support.

If you call that abusive, there’s no helping you.

@Bertha21 I don’t know about that, that sounds quite intense and could put pressure on her to ‘come up’ with a reason. Sometimes there isn’t ONE big reason, sometimes it’s just feeling a bit crap because… just because! Teenage hood is tricky, hormones, growing identity, facing adulthood, peer pressure. Getting a kid to be able to articulate that clearly and objectively is too much I think.

I agree that the OP should still parent, which to me does mean being a rock, being there for your kid. But whilst they are caught up in extremely toxic dynamics of screaming, arguments, no good boundaries, I don’t think either the 17 year old is able to enjoy being with her parents, or her parents able to be that rock. Boundaries over the limits are really key. No screaming, no arguments. Only then will that family have a calm enough space for any good communication and good support be able to happen.

I already did, it’s here Yes. A near-adult child should be managing everyday upsets and situations herself. Intense emotional support should not be provided for these everyday situations. Intense emotional support should be reserved for crises

Limiting how much emotional support you provide for your kid (while blaming them because they shouldn’t need it) is: shit.

at school and with her friends she’s different. We’ve just had a blazing row about dinner. I tell her what I’m cooking and she screams she won’t eat that. I suggest an alternative. She screams no. I then ask her what will she eat.

I havent read the full thread op.. so apols if this is repeating stuff,already,said but,when you,say you call her out or talk to her all,the time about her behaviour it,doesn't sound as though you do anything,more rhan talk to,her. If she can talk to you like shit, and still get rewarded, how will she understand it is not,acceptable? You sound like a doormat .. and if thats both of you doing it, you,are not,teaching her any,boundaries at all. What is YOUR boundary?,how does she know it's not ok for her to treat you like shit ... and how does she know what really isn't ok???? So far ot sounds like it doesn't really matter how she treats you...