To dislike my teenage daughter

[Iwishitwasdifferent]

Shes spoilt, rude and downright unkind to me. She can ruin any occasion with her behaviour and just doesn’t seem to care about me or the rest of her family.

Me, my DH (her dad) and her youngest sister who is 10 suffer as a result of her behaviour everyday and it’s getting to the point where we are all on countdown as to when she will leave home. She’s 17 so if she goes to university it will be in the next year or so.

I can see how this sounds and if I was reading it I would think what an awful thing for a parent to write. Background is she has always been a much loved child and DH and I have provided a loving secure home. DH and I both worked part time so there would always be a parent at home which meant DD always had friends back, was able to do lots of clubs and has an active social life. We have paid for her to attend clubs at school and this year are paying for her to go on a school trip to USA. We are not rich by any means so have explained to DD this will mean cutting back in other areas.

I don’t expect any praise or credit from DD for being a decent parent but I have told her I don’t expect to be treated like shit, which we all are.

Went to the theatre on Boxing Day and DD spent the whole time moaning about something or other, why had we got this train and not another one, why were our seats so crap, why couldn’t we pay £14 for a small coke for her, then moaning about the restaurant after, the food was crap, the service was crap etc etc My other DD and I needed the loo and she even moaned about that “why did we not have control of our bladder” this was our first trip to the loo in about 5 hours!

She insults my appearance asking why I don’t dye my hair, why I wasn’t wearing makeup, criticising my clothes and calling DH a “short man”. She feels it is ok to say all these hurtful things despite having parents who love her and try to do the best for her.

I just dislike her so much and am so concerned that this is who she is and will never change. Her personality is just awful. Friends tell me it’s because she’s a teenager but does this mean all teenagers are cruel?

I really really hope you're not a parent... nasty, nasty, nasty!!!

I'd never speak to my parents like that. I was close to my mum at 17. There were things that irritated me about her. I'd argue but wouldn't be mean or say harsh things to upset her. But my mum did discipline us so we had boundaries.
Besides that I'd be grateful for anything that was given to me and id get a lot of things too.
Do you discipline her at all? I have a 4 year old daughter and i think I'd go beserk if she was older and thought saying these things are fine.

But it doesn’t sound like it’s emotional support that is being given, anyway - helping someone do revision timetables, prepare CVs, offering alternative meals, etc, is not emotional support, it’s not paying attention to the emotions at all and just focusing on achieving the parent’s desired end goal (and then shoving the child along the desired path by doing half the work yourself, rather than finding out why they appear to be incapable of doing it independently).

And your plan is.....?

I'm sorry but with a 4 year old, you have no idea how she will be when she's older. 4 year olds and 17 years are nothing like each other. I always tell my kids that, if I had spoken to my parents the way they have spoken to me at times, they would never have been here, because my parents would have killed me. Very different times. I'm very close to my kids and we have a close relationship but kids are more outspoken now than in the 60s-80s when I was growing up.

You can't start disciplining a 17 year old, but her actions should have consequences.

I'm sure the OP wishes she'd never posted, because no matter how hard parenting our children may be, it's really not pleasant to have them dissected for entertainment on social media!!

Mate, if you want to sacrifice yourself to the Moloch of Emotional Support for not liking a dinner menu or hotel room, go your absolute hardest.

Are you a keyboard warrior or do you throw terms like abusive and shitty parenting around at people who parent differently to you in real life? Because a hell of a lot of people have had actual abusive childhoods or know of children who did or who are going through it right now. And they are going to pull you up big time and it won’t be pretty for you.

@Iwishitwasdifferent basically a Wednesday Adams ?

I've already outlined it above, if you care to read back. I do speak from a place of experience. Like it or not, 17 is still really a child - they have so so much to learn in life, and the only people they can ever rely on to always have their backs are their parents.

I would kill for emotional support from my parents but I have been an elderly orphan for 17 years. I also have 3 grown up children of my own, and even though they've had their moments, they are my proudest achievement and I will never, ever push them away.

For sure. The root cause is her mother's lack of enforced consequences.

Sounds like she needs a good slap. She's 17 not 7!

Why the hell is she being rewarded with a trip to America?! Eff that! My parents would have cut their losses with the money already paid and I wouldn't be bloody going anywhere! Does she even appreciate that you're paying for this trip? Probably not.

Not buying this suggested nonsense of rudeness to be expected at this age. I knew how to bloody respect my parents throighout my teens, despite not agreeing with some their decisions or wanting to partake in certain activities.

Time to get tough or she'll continue to walk all over you both.

No, I do. Abuse is a wide spectrum but ultimately the bottom line is ‘failing to adequately support your child’. And what about you, do you regularly send out advice in real life about the correct amount of emotional support to withhold from a struggling child?

No, it isn’t.

Well I would not be paying for meals out and theatre trips for her. Take her sister out and leave her at home until she acts like a decent human being. Is she stressed about exams or do you get this all the time?

I suggest you say if she does not eat what the rest of you eat she needs to cook her own meal.

I do think some teenagers are inherently selfish and most come out of it once they have to make their own way in the world and suddenly realise what their parents did for them. I would say though that if she is take, take and take more then maybe it is time to stop giving. As for wasting "her money", does she have a part time job? That often kicks selfish teenagers into touch as no one other than their parents will accommodate that sort of behaviour.

No. I don’t give out unsolicited advice or challenge people who I think are doing parenting wrong in real life. Because I am not so far up my own backside that I think I have all the answers.

”Failing to adequately support your child”. Why the quotes- are you reading from one of those parenting books where self-sacrificial and martyred parenting behaviour is lauded. That ends in madness you know!

What do you think failing to adequately support your child means? Because I don’t think it means micromanaging and intensely supporting everyday ups and downs and upsets. Is that what you actually think? Every little upset or sadness needs a parent hovering over providing intense support? Because that’s not healthy for the parent or child.

Why is she so angry and unhappy? Is she struggling socially or academically? Teenagers can be tricky but they don’t behave like this when everything is going well in their lives.

If I had spoken to my mother like that I would have been picking my teeth up off the floor. Yes I know times have changed blah blah but entitled spoilt teenagers grow up to be God awful people who make everyone’s life a misery, including their own. They are not happy themselves as you are finding out op. She does not need emotional support or a chat - what she needs is to learn there are serious consequences to her behaviour. There would be no fannying about with separate meals or pandering to any entitled behaviour if it was me. Draw a line and stick to your guns op. Next time she speaks to you like that don’t go all emotional or talk psycho babble. Put the fear of God into her and mean it.

Why are you still letting her go to the US if she treats you this way. Do you pay for her phone, clothes, treats etc. I'd be removing them straight away, yeh she'll get worse initially but if you stick to it she'll realise what she had and treat you with more respect!

IMO you are the one who "needs a good slap" for your crappy 'advice'!!

You do realise that's assault??!

Are you 100% certain there's no eating disorder going on? Sounds like she's very triggered/ angry around food & they can be absolutely vile when there is a ED going on.

Ugh she sounds like a brat.
Grey rock. Show passing interest in her, but as soon as she kicks off just walk away and ignore. She doesn't like the dinner you've cooked? Fine she can make her own. Doesn't like the hotel you've booked? Fine, she can stay home. Just don't go the extra mile (at all) to help 'make' her happy. You won't. And she has shown shes not worth the effort, at least for now.

Oh give it a bloody rest! I didn't mean literally! Why are some people so flipping predictable on here?!

You do realise you're being fucking annoying??!

I can’t believe how many people are excusing this behaviour! If it was the dh acting like this you lot would be up in arms saying ltb. She is acting like a little entitled shit and needs a wake up call. Otherwise the next few years are going to get very messy for her.
as an aside @BenCooperSuperTrouper as a fellow Aussie, I have been down the @Pumperthepumper rabbit hole before, 100% they are in it for the shits and
giggles just leave them to it.

Thanks for the tip Blackheath! I was beginning to wonder- no-one can be that obtuse and disingenuous surely! I’ll leave Pumper to it then.

• you say you pick her up on 'everything'; stop this and choose your battles. If she feels she is constantly being picked at, it won't help. Of course, pick her up on the rudeness etc.
• Give her a budget within the weekly food shop and she can choose ingredients and cook for herself. It'll be good practice for when/if she goes to uni.
• Cut/reduce her pocket money and make her get a part-time job. Stop helping her with applications and driving her to interviews, make her do it herself
• Does she do chores at home?

Sounds like something else is going on. Is she being bullied at school? Too much academic pressure? Fears about the future? She sounds like she is in “fight or flight” mode (mostly fight), she has extreme anxiety about something. She needs support. When our children are their hardest to love is when they need our love the most.