To dislike my teenage daughter

[Iwishitwasdifferent]

Shes spoilt, rude and downright unkind to me. She can ruin any occasion with her behaviour and just doesn’t seem to care about me or the rest of her family.

Me, my DH (her dad) and her youngest sister who is 10 suffer as a result of her behaviour everyday and it’s getting to the point where we are all on countdown as to when she will leave home. She’s 17 so if she goes to university it will be in the next year or so.

I can see how this sounds and if I was reading it I would think what an awful thing for a parent to write. Background is she has always been a much loved child and DH and I have provided a loving secure home. DH and I both worked part time so there would always be a parent at home which meant DD always had friends back, was able to do lots of clubs and has an active social life. We have paid for her to attend clubs at school and this year are paying for her to go on a school trip to USA. We are not rich by any means so have explained to DD this will mean cutting back in other areas.

I don’t expect any praise or credit from DD for being a decent parent but I have told her I don’t expect to be treated like shit, which we all are.

Went to the theatre on Boxing Day and DD spent the whole time moaning about something or other, why had we got this train and not another one, why were our seats so crap, why couldn’t we pay £14 for a small coke for her, then moaning about the restaurant after, the food was crap, the service was crap etc etc My other DD and I needed the loo and she even moaned about that “why did we not have control of our bladder” this was our first trip to the loo in about 5 hours!

She insults my appearance asking why I don’t dye my hair, why I wasn’t wearing makeup, criticising my clothes and calling DH a “short man”. She feels it is ok to say all these hurtful things despite having parents who love her and try to do the best for her.

I just dislike her so much and am so concerned that this is who she is and will never change. Her personality is just awful. Friends tell me it’s because she’s a teenager but does this mean all teenagers are cruel?

Instead of thinking that you have lost the money, I would see it as an investment in your daughters character. People treat us however we allow them to, and its really that simple.

I agree with this. Here's another way of looking at the same thing:

The 60% is money that is gone, whether or not she goes on the trip or not. There's no need to fall for the sunk cost fallacy.

If you pay the remaining 40% plus a lot of spending money, you'll still have a spoilt whingey teenager for whom still nothing will ever be good enough. There will be whinging about you not giving her enough spending money on the trip, not buying her a stretch limo to the airport, etc. Nothing changes. Worse, if you've remotely ever hinted or threatened to take the trip away for bad behaviour, she will have reinforced her belief that there are no enforced consequences for her behaviour.

If you warn her that if her behaviour doesn't match standards that you clearly set and she continues to be a brat you will cancel the trip AND you go through with the consequences and actually cancel the trip, she learns that you do mean it, that there ARE consequences to her actions, and that if she is nasty to people there are unpleasant consequences for her. I think her peers all going without her would be a very effective natural consequence for her to experience. Of course she is going to try every trick in the book to manipulate you. Of course she is going to escalate. Your job is to stay calm and stand firm: The trip was cancelled because she failed to meet a very basic set of behavioural standards that you expect from everybody in the house. DO NOT get drawn into "this proves you love my sister more than me," shouting, or any other bullshit; you need to behave smarter than a manipulative 17 year old.

Bitchy comment. Why comment at all, just go . . .🙄

This x 10000! ☝
She can't self regulate because you go fix stuff and cave in,offer choices and placate - just refuse to discuss and remove yourself from the room.

I did not say not to bother with emotional support. I said to provide it for crisis situations, not everyday upsets and situations.

Feel free to argue with this but don’t deliberately misquote.

Absolutely spot on BenCooper. Anecdotally those parents we know who are super loving supportive and indulgent have utterly dreadful teens. They become nicer eventually but my god.

If you let your child talk to you like shit from when they are young this is the end result. We have always been firm no one least of all bloody kids gets to be rude to us. Ours now 17 and 14 not perfect but always polite. They need that underlying respect and maybe not fear but close to it. If I had spoken to my parents like that well I shudder to think. Being nicey matey mum doesn’t work.

Go back to basics an treat her as you would do for an "explosive" younger child. Praise anything nice or good that she does and "count to ten" and don't be drawn into arguments by the provocations. If she is rude breathe in and say low and slow, "don't talk to me like that." Pick your battles and "don't sweat he small stuff.

I disagree with those saying she shouldn't go on the school trip. It's linked to her Geography course work. It's an educational experience, although I am questioning why the fuck a school is going to the US for this rather than the UK.

I also wouldn't bother taking a teen to the theatre unless they really wanted to go. Did you ask her or just buy the tickets?

Don't take her phone. It won't make her behave any better in the long run and will just cause resentment.

Do give natural consequences. If she wants a £14 coke she can pay for it herself. If she doesn't like your meal choice there is always bread and butter (I lost count of how many times my mother told me this) She doesn't like your hair? Have a discussion on what she thinks you should do with it then ignore her advice she doesn't like your lack of make up? Ask her what she suggests for you.

It's time to stop fighting over things that really don't matter and time for her to experience natural consequences.

@RambamThankyouMam what an utterly vile comment. Do you get off on being so nasty? You do realise that you can’t completely control the behaviour of another person, and people have choices in how they behave, don’t you?

OP you need to sit her down when she’s in one of her better moods and tell her things can’t go on like this. Tell her the impact it’s having on the family. Tell her there needs to be give and take. Otherwise she won’t be going on that trip, and other privileges will disappear.

I was about to say this ^.

That's a fairly big age gap and I think that could well have triggered issues for your elder DD. A small baby needs more attention than a 7 year old and maybe over the years your 17 year old has felt second best? There seems to be a perception here - 10 year old = good, 17 year old = bad, and she may feel like there's no point in doing anything but acting to type?

Otherwise children are all different - I was always labelled as "defiant" because if I got into trouble, I argued back. I was beaten by parents who didn't know what else to do with me. I've always a huge sense of injustice and that is something that has stayed with me all my life. I wasn't doing anything that bad or saying anything that bad - they were just uber strict. They used to say they hoped I had a child as "defiant" as me - then said that my eldest was worse!! Just as I was, my children are all strong-willed and no doubt it will stand them in good stead in life, but it's not always easy to manage!

Could you talk to your DD, woman to woman, and try to ascertain why she feels the need to behave like this? Is she trying to punish you for what she perceives to be favouritism? Does she treat your DH as badly as you?

I think you need to delve more deeply into the behaviour to try to find answers. I've 3 early-mid 20s and her behaviour is neither normal or abnormal - all kids are different. Try to find a middle ground with her now, before she goes to uni.

Absolutely expect her to cook for herself, clean up after herself, wash her own clothes/bedding etc - all the thing she's going to have to be able to do when she moves away. I think cancelling the US trip is a step too far and she'd never forgive you for that - but put some conditions on it. It might be good for her. I'd also be pushing her to get a job and fund part of it all herself. Work experience would be good for her, good for her uni application, and maybe give her a window into how other people live. There's plenty of jobs out there, if she is willing to work. My youngest has had no trouble getting part-time work as a student - elder two found it a lot harder.

Time to come down like a ton of bricks. Enough of this shit. Stateside trip? In the bin.
Meals? Sort yourself out. Trips/days out/ lifts? Forget it. Nothing beyond the bare minimum, starting tomorrow.

Again: that’s abusive. And shitty parenting.

You must be confusing me with someone that gives a fuck about what you think.

No. I don’t give a shit about you. I do care that you’ve come on here to promote abuse.

Promote abuse? Show me anything I said which equates to "abuse".

All of this. Assert total control, rather than find the root of the problem. Abusive, shitty parenting.

Its very simple to me - you’ve spoiled and babied her. This jumped out at me:

We’ve just had a blazing row about dinner. I tell her what I’m cooking and she screams she won’t eat that. I suggest an alternative. She screams no. I then ask her what will she eat. As always, she is quick to dismiss mine and DH dinner options but never suggests her own.

Why are you pandering to this almost-adult like you’re a housekeeper? No wonder she acts like a spoiled diva. There should be no blazing rows… she either eats it or makes her own. Simple. I think you need to employ a bit more sangfroid and stop being such a wet wipe. She moans about the theatre? Fine, don’t come. Don’t like the hotel? Ok you pay for the upgrade. You are the one making the battleground. She’s nearly an adult. Time to start giving her a bit of the taste of adult independence and stop running around after her attending to her every whim and tantrum.

That said - stop saying you hate her and can’t wait for her to leave - the poster who said ‘well you raised her’ was right. You’ve created the monster by pandering and not giving her appropriate boundaries and independence. Being cruel to her now and comparing her unfavourably to her sibling is toxic and damaging. You may reap unintended consequences that you’ll regret.

You must reading something else, this delightful child is being given a fair degree of Agency.so what's your plan of action then?

Find out why she’s acting like this. Not: be an abusive prick because you can throw your weight around when she can’t.

OP, this thread reminds me of when parents of children who have always been good sleepers assume it is down to their superlative parenting, and give advice to parents of chronically poor sleepers. Yawn. Inappropriate and tone deaf.

Some teens are another level of challenging. I've got one like it. Something is definitely missing or as yet undeveloped; DD really has no sense of when enough is enough and despite having capacity for empathy, has zero qualms about overriding this in order to achieve maximum hurt, inconvenience and frustration. It's exhausting.

Posters here talking about consequences and boundaries as if OP has never imposed or asserted these before - you have no idea.

Professionally, I meet so many families whose caring, responsive parents raise beautifully caring and responsive DC throughout primary school, until the DC hit their (pre-) teens, and everything goes to pot. Like the OP, they've done so much right, and it definitely isn't all 'nurture'. I was a nightmare teen; not socially unpleasant per se, but pathologically thrill-seeking and always on the wrong side of the law, with no way of hitting the brakes in time, ever. My parents were amazing, and none of my shortcomings should be attributed to them.

"Why don't you just...", "What you need to do is...", "If I were you, I would just..." type comments are at best based on an assumption that the situation to which the advice refers is in some way similar to one experienced by the person offering the advice (which it rarely is) and at worst a sneaky way of brow-beating a fellow parent who is already struggling.

She can't throw her weight about? Are we reading the same thread?

Don’t worry Vipers. I have also been accused of abuse by Pumps for not being prepared to provide intense emotional support to my children for their small day to day upsets and ups and downs.

I don’t necessarily agree with your approach either, but it is far from abusive. Pumps keeps using that word so often that it’s lost all meaning in her hyperbole.

I agree with Lynette I would let her go on the trip. I would pull back concentrate on my own life and try to dial down the drama but try a collaborative approach “look this isn’t working all these rows we need to work together what do you think”. Pull back on on treats / family days out or even much interaction. Give her space be respectful but take no shit.

We are. You’re suggesting the adult makes the child’s life more miserable to assert control. It’s shitty, and abusive. And it ignores the cause of the behaviour in the first place.

Are you the one who said parents shouldn’t emotionally support their children as a control tactic? I stand by it, that’s shit parenting.